myaquariusheart

[myaquariusheart]

26/3

Hey, I've been AWOL. I'm currently on placement two and a lot has happened. The PGCE is going well even though the first placement was not easy it was my fault and has let me develop a lot. although I'm still finding it difficult to wake up on time and get to school early. I'm currently rotting Royas brain and making her chill and watch a YouTube video on mice that she needs to keep an eye on. She was enjoying it until she started biting my phone and I disturbed her. It's currently Ramadan and it is been good as well as stressful. Since we have been back from Umrah a lot has gone on. We've been mourning and there isn't a day where I don't think about Bubu's death and honestly, I think about it every day. I miss her and regret not keeping in touch as much as I should of and even cherishing the time we had as selfish enough I thought we would all be growing old together and we would all bring our children up being best friends. we can still do that but a piece is missing. It also makes me think about life and death more, and how easily life can be taken away. I'm always deep in thought and usually lie awake at night thinking Allah could take me any time and I should live each day but who's to know. Life, we only have one chance at it. I'm currently watching Gone Girl because I've actually never seen a Ben Aflek movie and I probably should as he's JLO's man. So far it's okay, his wife has gone missing and she's an author or writer or something. I'm going to finish this degree soon and I can't wait. there's so much paperwork to do with all of this and it's hard to keep up. I have an essay as well it's not done yet, but I'm just hoping it doesn't count toward our final grade. After the easter break, I have my formal observation with L and B and I am really nervous but I just need to crack down on the behavior of the class and the content that I'm teaching. just need to remember some simple things like don't talk until the class is quiet and all that kinda stuff so it's easy but I'm sure when someone is watching me it is more nerve-wracking. the last Geography lesson I did there was about 3 teachers in the classroom and I was so nervous but at the end of the lesson R said the lesson went really well so I was happy, she even said it in front of the head teacher but I doubt ill get a job there. I have been applying to some abroad like Abu Dhabi and Dubai but I need to take a professional picture soon so I can upload it onto my CV. unfortunately, I have been super ugly lately but I'm going to speak to the hairdresser tomorrow, my hair is still short but it's growing. really slowly though, I'm thinking of going back to orange or brown, I do not want to go back to black hair, it is too hard to change and dye over. We'll see, I'm kinda over this color now, I always feel like it doesn't compliment me and then a few months down the line, I'm going to look back on my pictures and then regret it. Look at me talking about stupid irrelevant shit that doesn't matter if I'm a good person or not, just superficial but i guess if I don't look good I don't feel good, but even when I do look good I still don't feel good. I don't know why I'm feeling so low and insecure lately. I and T have been hitting the gym but with everything going on its been really difficult as iftar is at 6 and that's when T gets to the gym. After Eid I'm sure everything will be back to normal.

[myaquariusheart]

19/10

WOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW, life does come at you fast when you don't write every day. I really need to start writing every day because too much is happening and I'm not documenting or even remembering things that are happening. I'm currently on the phone with S which is such a plot twist because my old diary entries about him were crazy but I'm happy we're so over that stage and all feelings are left behind. We've become really good friends and it's nice to have a perspective of a guy's opinion but god does he talk so much. I'm on week 3 of placement in school. My opinion? I'm happy to have the experience and the opportunity but I'm not getting paid so that's the only thing that's upsetting me because I'm spending money on travel and food and I don't know why I'm genuinely eating like a beast. I've been going gym a lot and I personally didn't see or feel any progress but today Cake said my body is bodying. So I'm just going to keep doing and do what I can do and not push myself to do too much and I'm proud of myself for making it there. It's half term next week but I'll be working in the Cafe 6 days as K is away. I'll be resting on Wednesday and Thursday and I need to catch up on all my uni week.

[myaquariusheart]

18/9

So, I am in university right now. I did my science GCSE last Thursday and I think I will pass it honestly. So I am feeling much better about this whole experience and it's looking more positive. This is the last week of uni and I really need to work on my timekeeping skills because it's disrupting my life, relationships, and my image as a person. I have no more sleeping tablets and I'm finding it really hard to sleep at night I find myself speaking to S all night as well and we stay up till 5 a.m. sometimes, really not good. Anyway, me and Cake are going to Magaluf next week and I am so excited to just relax and have the best time of my life. I really needed this and need to just do what makes me happy. All our clothes came just in time and will need to start packing by the end of the week. I think I was being a bit overly dramatic last time I wrote here, and honestly, I was getting onto my period and I had such a bad acne outburst but my skin is better now. I'm having such a hard time with my hair right now, its just short and so ugly but I know it will be long by next year which is fine, its all a waiting game so I just need to practice self-love and let time do its job. I really wanted to go back to Oxford just before we left for Maga, but I don't think its worth my time. Me and A are in a bad spot right now and it's just energy-draining and not even worth my time really. I feel like I've entered a completely new chapter in terms of life and even my personality. This feels like the real adult world, when I was in uni before I still felt immature and just young but this course is more serious and my classmates don't mess about. They're on a heads down and focus kinda vibe. I need to do the same but its honestly hard when all I want to do is be silly and have a laugh with Cake. It was so hot and sunny the first few weeks of September but as of Sunday its been raining like fucking crazy at night, there was even thunder. It's nearly winter and I can't wait but I need a new wardrobe for this vibe. All I have are summer clothes and hoe outfits. I need cute winter wonderland outfits.

[myaquariusheart]

5/9

Things are not going according to plan. I wanted to start my PGCE but I should have known what I was getting into when I lied about my grades so I respectfully did this all to myself now I am in an internal panic because what am I meant to do with myself. I don't care too much about it, it's just it was my escape plan and now that plan is over. I hope I am able to do the secondary course because then my plan will be in action again. I also just need something to do daily. I cannot stay at home doing nothing I will literally go insane, so I need to do something to help myself. I also need money because I have so many things to do and things to buy and I need to earn over 2k a month to fund my lifestyle. I hope the next time I write here I have something in order because right now my life is chaos. Visually it looks like a scribble and I need it to be a straight line. Thats mostly comes from the pressure from mum to have everything in order, but I think I need it for myself too. I need to do something and it needs to happen. Even if its a course not through a university or an agency. Just anything.

[myaquariusheart]

28/7

I have not written in so long I know. I haven't been motivated and just felt like a loser writing here but I feel like I'm going to miss the memories if I don't speak about them. I went to Portugal with T and it was honestly the best holiday ever, we went to the Algarve and had the most beautiful time and I will never forget it. I went on a jet ski and explored caves, we went out every night and met the most interesting people and made memories I will never forget. It was amazing and I just loved it. I also had my graduation a few days ago and I can't believe I did it. I was literally stressing that I didn't think I was going to graduate and I did it. The last few months have been good, I'm in a really good place right now and I am grateful for everything that's happening I'm just de-motivated and also am enjoying doing nothing but I need to get out of it and start living a little and be less lazy. I also went to Wireless with Cake and I saw 50 Cent live and I also saw DBE and it was just an amazing environment and concerts I've been to. I was singing my heart out and screaming tomorrow Me and Cake are going on a double date and then a Love Island event on Monday and I'm so excited. This is also the most broke I have ever been in my life but it's not that hard, I just have to survive the next 10 days and then I am treating myself to a nice Shien package and that's gonna be it. I cut my hair really short this month and I'm having mixed feelings about it. The first few days I was feeling really not confident and ugly but I'm getting used to it and it's looking better if I style it right. I'm planning to grow out my hair naturally, not dye it and then when it's long year I'm going to dye it all ginger and it's gonna look amazing because it's gonna be on my virgin hair. So I need to just wait and its an end of an era. Hair holds memory that's what I keep seeing and that hair has been through a lot, not going to lie. I didn't want to let go of that hair but that hair just reminds me of a insecure, messy time that I went through with like I, A, S and all of them. I need to just let go and now I have a new destiny and a new rosta which I could never have imagined. I have insta now and TikTok and its actually become really bad because I'm just addicted to TikTok and I need to get off it. I also really want to start going out more and dressing up and going to restaurants, I don't even need to buy a whole meal I just wanna look pretty and have a good night but unfortunately I'm not even allowed or even have friends to do it. T is going Italy for summer and Cake is busy most times. Maybe I need to make a new friend but where will I find her. I'm actually going to manifest a new friend that goes out with me and can always have fun, lets see if it happens Lmao. Anyway Z has also passed his driving and I'm so proud of him. I need to work on my CV and start applying to some teacher roles but like I said I just don't have any motivation and mostly just can't be bothered? That is my mood and I need to snap out of it. I almost forgot to mention that the Barbie movie finally came out and we all went to watch it. It was super cute, on TikTok and online everyone was raving about how it was so emotional but it didn't hit me like that mostly because I'm not a white blonde woman, and it just wasn't emotional for me. It was more funny than anything. Guardians of the Galaxy made me literally cry 6 times during that film so I'm not sure.

[myaquariusheart]

15/6

I am feeling really slumped, low mood, and down, but then again I am on my period so that's what I'm blaming it on and I'm just going through it. I've been working a lot actually I didn't realise until today that I've basically worked every day except Tuesday. It's okay though, something to keep me busy and occupied, feeling worth something, I do have hay fever though, and my nose is blocked, which also makes me feel like shit. I don't know how to get rid of it other than some meds and manifesting. Tuesday was lovely I spent the day with E and I feel like it made us closer and at the end of the day she said she was grateful to have a friend like me which I was really surprised about but it was sweet and I was grateful for her too. We ate at EL&N cafe which I'm obsessed with now, then we went Hyde Park then China Town. It was a good day out in London, and I appreciate being able to live somewhere where I have the freedom to do a lot of things and eat so much yummy food. I went gym today with Cake but I feel bad because I was being so lazy and not motivated but I know she is so I'm going to apologise later. We're going out on Saturday and I am excited about that tbh. My low mood is giving me brain fog but I'm rewatching Prison Break and that's making me happy. Love Island this year is so good too and I'm loving it, it's so interesting and everyone's hyping it up. I am also feeling to watch Euphoria but I know it's going to make me feel depressed with Rue and Maddy and make me crave drugs but other than that watching Maddy always makes me feel more confident and makes me want to dress up and just be that it girl without the bad bitch attitude. So maybe I should, I need a confidence boost. HELP ME MADDY

[myaquariusheart]

11/6

I've had the busiest and most fun weekend. It has been draining but at least today was somewhat relaxing. The weather in London has been so hot and everyone loves it. On Friday, had work, the short shift and I'm going to start recording Tiktoks for the Cafe to get some online attraction and clout. I've only uploaded one so far, the more the better, and hopefully we become famous LOL. After my shift, I went to the Gym with cake and decided to stay at hers for the weekend. We went to a rooftop restaurant in Peckham and it was so beautiful and we had the best night. We had so much fun and were laughing all night, defo want to do it again. On Saturday we went to a Lambeth Country Show, and it was so sunny and nice. It was a good day out and nice seeing everyone come together to celebrate black history in Brixton. Today we went to watch Transformers at the cinema. The trailer for the film looked really good and interesting but the actual film was brain damage. It was terrible in my own opinion, I just wanted it to end, and it was really cringe and they wanted to be the Avengers so bad and I really just wanted to end but I'm glad I watched it anyway. I don't think I would recommend it to anyone, and they kept saying cringe one-liners it was too much. Anyway, tomorrow I have work and will probably meet Cake again, I need to get a few shopping items from Primark like socks and sandals for the holiday most importantly, and maybe some shitty trainers that I can wear there when I'm not wearing heels or flip flops. I need to have a think about what job I want to do in September, I really wanted to be a probation officer but I don't think that vision is looking too clear. I might just have to go straight into teaching which I don't want to do but it might be my only option. Everyone who I have been speaking to me has recommended marketing which sounds interesting and pays good but I don't even know the first thing about it, to be honest. My mind is too much on going on holiday and wanting to fly out everywhere and anywhere but the only option is money. I need to find another job maybe so I can pay for all these things that my heart desires but I think my schedule will be too hectic if I do that and I won't be able to manage but life isn't meant to be easy.

[myaquariusheart]

7/6

I know I haven't written anything here in a long time. I've been avoiding it, I know no one is reading this, but I'm also embarrassed if someone does I just found my own journal and I'm so happy I wrote what I did to see how far I came and what I was thinking back then, and I love it and it actually inspired me to write now. I haven't written since I left for Oxford. Oxford was amazing, it was a good holiday for a few days spending time with Boyn and having a different atmosphere and experiences and I would love to go again and I probably will soon enough. I met interesting and new people, heartbreaks so many laughs and memories that I'll keep inside forever. I wish I stayed longer. Coming back I have had a weird experience things have not been good at home and that's why I've mostly been avoiding writing I know I'm vague but I also don't want to document parts of my life and leave out important bits but I'll probably write them in my diary. Anyway I have exciting news, I have passed all my modules, my results are not out yet but I just know I have, I also saw I passed my dissertation so I'm proud of myself and I can't believe I've done it but after so long I'm going to finally graduate. I'm over the moon and to spoil myself I booked a holiday with T. We're going to Portugal for 5 days, this is going to be my first abroad holiday, alone, just me and I am so so excited and so grateful for everything. Things in the Cafe have been good and more busy, I picked up a few extra shifts last week and although it was super tiring, I loved having this responsibility and routine of going to work. Today I did the long shift and it was really good even though I had 2 hours of sleep, I still managed to do everything even though it was really affecting my memory which was bad, I was forgetting things the moment people told me their coffee order. I literally made 11 crispy chickens, I didn't even realize how many I made until I saw the total at the end. I went to the gym with Cake, we were both tired but I'm proud of us for going. We've come a long way and have seen progress which I'm happy about and it's only time we do more and more and we will see more. We went to the Greyhound after and got some fish and chips and ran into T and C. It was nice catching up with C I was nervous at first but it was good. Now I'm home on Facetime with S and watching Love Island. I'm in a good mood even though me and cake was bitching all evening at dinner.

[myaquariusheart]

15/11

I am feeling extremely low right now, not even right now for the past few days actually. The last time I felt pure joy was when I was watching the previous few episodes of Ghost that got leaked. I wrote a review on it but saved it in drafts, it needs some work done honestly. I haven't felt that excited or happy in a long time and I just wonder why. I'm rewatching JoJo so I can understand it better, I'm always watching it and not paying attention, and then I'm about 50 episodes in and I don't know anyone's name, or what's even happening in the plot. I started from episode 3, as I've watched 1 and 2 so many times, and after that, everything becomes a blur. After Dio has the stone mask and kills Jonathan's dad my concentration just flutters away like a butterfly someplace else. Jonathan and his dad are such lovely and forgiving people, even after Dio stabbed his dad, George, he forgave Dio on his deathbed, only God and the writers know why because he doesn't even deserve it because he doesn't even care. Battle after battle Jonathan still forgives Dio and even grieves him, maybe because he does see him as his brother, but he killed your dad, what's the worth of forgiving him. Even in death, Dio doesn't want peace for you. Still to this day, I don't understand Dio's problem, they took you in after your dad died and you just want to do them dirty for what reason? If I also hear Hamon one more time I'm going to go crazy but at least that's done with after a few seasons. Anyway, today I had work around 11:30 and I don't know I how still managed to be late? I'm so awful and don't know how to fix this, I've always been at least 10 mins late to every single job, Hibagon, Well Being, even Cabana I was always there after the time I'm supposed to be, I don't know what's wrong with me or if I'm actually cursed with the late curse, even though I made that up. Even when I try to wake up early and do everything right something else happens to stop me. I remember during Jury Service I was always so late and the day I woke up extra early to be there on time, the bus was canceled and I had to get an Uber there which cost me so much and I never even got to get that money back. I even got scammed today but thankfully the bank gave me all my money back. I opened a Depop account to help out A, and some girl was interested in buying the glasses, I have no idea how to use Depop and stupidly gave her my details and she managed to scam me £400!!! I was sitting with A and he knew something was wrong, thankfully the bank saw it as something unusual and contacted me straight away, so I managed to report them, block my card and order a new one and get my money back. It was scary and so embarrassing I couldn't believe it. It's all dealt with and I managed to make a Paypal account that's connected to the Depop, just need to educate myself on online selling. I went to the gym after with Cake, it was a good session and we are trying our best to push each other, she has better resilience than me and I'm really proud of her progress. I just hope we can see more in the next few months, it's only been 1 month and the progress can properly be seen in about 6 months. So we need to keep pushing ourselves and go as much as possible. I'm planning to go to Oxford this weekend and spend some time with Boyn, literally got off the phone with her now and my tickets are all booked and I'm so excited to go!!!

[myaquariusheart]

"You can trust your own nature."

Are you looking for a distraction?

Today, you're scared of vulnerability. You want complete self knowledge yet you ignore the little compartments you stuff your peskier emotions into.

It's time to acknowledge how far you've come. First one foot. Then the other.

Do:

New book

Hall of mirrors

Splurging

Don't:

Posturing

Endless scroll

Portrait mode

You spend a lot of time thinking about your public identity, but right now you're questioning whether you're on the right path. Practice loving yourself with the same exhilaration as a new crush. Figure out the one thing you want most right now. Search your imagination as well as your intellect. Then go ahead and pursue it.

[myaquariusheart]

11/5

Today was nice but rainy. I woke up and did my laundry, it's honestly been sitting in the corner of my room for ages and just needed to be dealt with. I went to the National Art Gallery, I've been there 5 times now, twice alone. I love going alone, it's such an escape and somewhere to be alone and look at all the art. I love being in that kind of environment. Surrounded by priceless art, the quiet, listening to my music, and exploring all the rooms. I LOVE LOVE seeing all the tourists as well. I love seeing them because this gallery is just 40 mins away from me by bus but for other people, they've traveled from another country, city, or place just to come here and I just want to appreciate it with them and enjoy the mood. I also went to the British Museum. I don't remember the last time I went there, I just have a memory from my childhood with Cake and family going there. The only thing that made me remember it was the giant white halls in the place. It was amazing and honestly, I would go again. I saw so much stuff I'd never seen before and learned much. I went into the China area, Greek, and even the Islamic. I saw Mummys, the burial chambers, and so many beautiful statues. I took so many pictures and just couldn't believe where they came from and that I was able to see them. Something creepy though, I was followed today. Some young guy, I walked PAST him under some scaffolding and smiled at him. We were walking in different directions. I didn't think of it at first and then when I got to the traffic lights I noticed him behind me. I kept walking as I was following google maps to find the museum, so I quickly went into Primark and I'm not even kidding, he came to Primark. Just to be sure he was following me I stopped to look at some trousers, for him to follow me there and brush past me and touched my bum? I literally had a bad gut feeling and walked quickly out the door and literally walked so quickly followed google maps. This isn't even the first time I was followed this week? On my last day of uni, some guy followed me for about 10 mins walking behind me and beside me until he finally tapped my shoulder and said he wanted to get to know me? I literally gave a fake snap and moved forward with my life. I don't even like it, it's actually scary and creepy. I know I've fantasized about a Joe but it's horrible and so scary. I have never ever felt unsafe in London or being by myself. I am always going everywhere alone and I love it, I just don't understand what's been happening lately and why people have been following me. I know it's only two but it shouldn't be any at all? Anyway, I am so excited for tomorrow because I have work, then I am going to Bromley with Cake and I think I'm going to get my belly button pierced again. I know it got infected and rejected last time but I have lost weight and have learned not to over-clean it. that's what makes the healing worse and slower? I don't know why and how but I tried it with my new Superdrugs piercing. I hardly clean it and its healed so well and I've never had any discomfort or pain other than when my hair gets stuck. I am excited about my belly piercing but I'm not excited about uncomfortable sleeping and bending etc. I just hope it heals well and is amazing. I love having piercings and have learned how to deal with them when I wish I just learned the first time. I'm going to have my snacks and try and sleep.

[myaquariusheart]

Guardians of the Galaxy vol 3, so I watched this on Saturday and wow that was emotional as hell. I absolutely love every single one of the movies, I love them. They're so deep, emotional and so funny. I went into the film not watching any trailers beforehand or having any idea what it could even be about. Mum kept saying let's go watch Groot in the cinema and the whole time I thought she was saying Gru, as in the minions. Anyway, I am so happy I ended up watching it. When Kraglin was trying to control Yondu's arrow, I'm not even kidding I started tearing up, I don't know why it got to me so much? I think the cinema always makes me so emotional anyway. It was just so cute how he was trying to follow in Yondu's footsteps and I do really love Yondu as well. He was so funny and sweet even though he was meant to be a villain character he was really cute to me. Anyway, the whole movie was looking into Rocket's past, he got badly injured and they found he couldn't be helped medically because his heart had a built-in bomb inside his heart. Anyway, we found out everything, how he was made, how he was the smartest test subject that guy made. I hate that man, not even going to mention his name and I know he's not dead but he should be. He abused animals so badly just to make his perfect society, what was the need, what's going to come out of it? Every time rockets past came out my eyes were tearing up and I was about to cry every time but I stopped myself because common now, I'm not a pussy. It was just toooo emotional, everything, all the character development, I loved Mantis in this, she was so vocal and wanted to find her purpose by the end of the movie and I love that for her, she was always speaking up for herself and for Drax. The film had an amazing way of incorporating humor straight after such a heart-stabbing moment just happened. I literally forgot to mention Gamora was in it. I loved the way Quill was just outspoken about the way they were in love, I thought he was slowly going to flirt with her and make her fall in love with him in a natural way but he was super salty and obvious. It was hilarious for the audience but I also was really sad for him at the same time. I was surprised by the ending because I thought they were going to stay together? they went through all that trouble to save Rocket because he's family and then they separated. I also love that they all come from broken homes/ being alone for most of their lives and they came together and made their own family. Quill has a lot of love and he's such a great selfless leader, can he just marry me? There's just so much but my brain can't put everything together. The use of music as well was just fantastic. Whenever Quill would take out his headphones all the music would stop and we would be in the moment it was super cool, the soundtrack was good too, and loved the way Rocket played 'Come and Get Your Love' at the end, it really made my heart melt. It was overall such an amazing film and when I have some spare time I'm going to go watch it again I want to experience it all and possibly even cry if I need to. It was so good looking into Rocket's backstory, he's such a strong character and has been through so much loss and hardship. Quill gave him the role to be the leader and I know he is so honored because he came from a place where he was regarded as nothing. I'm sure he didn't expect what his life would be like this. The ferret thing Layla was so cute as well, I honestly thought all the other animals were going to survive and actually shocked me so much when all 3 of them died? That man is honestly such a monster and is probably worse than Thanos. Now that I have finished with uni, I might treat myself to a whole Avengers marathon and watch all the movies in order and I might review them on here and give my opinion.

[myaquariusheart]

8/5

OH MY GOd, I just submitted my Dissertation and I can't believe it, all my work is done!!!! I feel a sense of relief and just realised I have nothing else to do, other than my Plato essay, which I will do slowly when I'm bored. That's it, it's done, this is going to determine if I graduate, which I will. Sorry I have to graduate, I can just feel it. It's been a long few days, staying at uni and finishing my work but my hard work will pay off. Now it's my world and I can basically do whatever I want. I had a similarity of 20% but I don't really care, it's done and dusted now. I will focus on drawing, art, writing and playing Animal Crossing. I need to fix my island and make it so beautiful and I just can't wait for this freedom. I need to focus on making money and just keep manifesting, love, success, money, and happiness for myself and others around me. I feel happy and have a sense of sadness because I'm never going to Uni again or having that fun drama that goes on in the library. It was a fun experience and I've been such a messy bitch but I have to love myself for it. WOW just don't know what I'm feeling right now, I just can't wait to pick out my graduation dress and everything. Later on I'm heading to the gym with cake and tomorrow, I'm dropping off my books to uni, and a last goodbye to that place. I have collected so many stamps on my bubble tea card and tomorrow I'm going to redeem my two free drinks. I need to celebrate but there's no one to celebrate with me, and in the way I want to celebrate anyways. T is going on holiday tomorrow and I'm so happy for her she deserves the world and all the success too. I'm feeling an overall emotion of happiness and just hope all goes well because I did work hard on my disso even though I started so late. ANYWAY yeah over the moon and super proud of myself but I did say a huge thanks to R as well, I wouldn't have been able to do anything without him. I'm literally saying thank you to everyone before anything even happens but LOL today is such a big day for me and I cant believe I have done it. I have so many things I want to do, mostly just relax and work and earn so much money but let me not do it so quickly.

[myaquariusheart]

3/5

May May May, It's been a good start to the month. I'm mainly feeling positive and manifesting success, happiness, and a beauty aura. Monday's shift I was super late, it was nice and easy, I even managed to clean up and finish early as it was a bank holiday, I had some reflection, and wanted to change my ways so I needed to wake up early and get the work done. Honestly got to work at a good time and even managed to do a full glam which eventually wiped off throughout the day. Defo need to carry some setting spray with me.. For a disso update, I'm basically done, just finishing up the conclusion and I don't care for it to be perfect and the feedback I'm receiving from my supervisor is good and basic so I'm guessing my work isn't donkey shit. Just aiming to pass, don't know about the whole grading system, and right now I don't care, I just need to graduate that's my whole goal. I am speaking it into existence I know with my hard work, positive energy, and manifestations it will all happen and I'm going to be successful and make my family proud. I just need to think of a graduation outfit to wear, so I can't wait for that either. I managed to go the gym today as well, me and Cake spent a long time there literally 2 hours but its getting too much in there, the people are getting too comfortable and I need a new change of scene so we're going to one closer to Cakes house tomorrow. My day tomorrow is going to be crazy but productive, I got work in the morning, just the small shift, then I need to get to uni before 3 and then make my way to Number 10 and get a gym sesh in. I think no matter what I do I can't ignore the gym, it's healthy and a good habit and I will feel more confident in a few months with my new body I'm hoping. It's just all about being optimistic and positive right now, I literally can't stress myself and think of the worse or it's going to mentally stress me out and be awful. I know the vape is making me feel like shit but I just need to remember it's the vape and not me. Right now I'm going to try and do some work but I'm honestly not in the mood but its wasting time. I've been watching JoJo but it's confusing the fuck out of me honestly maybe after uni is all done I'm going to watch it properly. It was the Met Gala the other day and although I have never seen the actual Met Gala I love seeing everyone's outfit, Doja went as a beautiful Cat and she looked amazing, everyone online was hating on her though I don't get it. Mary J's outfit for me was clapped but I love her so I'm going to support her anyways. Kim's dress for me was underwhelming but I guess she looked pretty, who am I even to judge but it's all fun. I wish Ariana was there and Vanessa. "Today, you feel insulted and don't know how to respond and a deadline is approaching." Bruh like of course, this whole thing is consuming my personality and I don't know what I'm going to do once it's all over. I have so much in mind yet so little freedom and money. Can I please just win the lottery? I'll put it to good use.

[myaquariusheart]

"Getting what you want isn't more important than the way you get it."

Are you looking for delayed gratification?

Today you feel torn between discipline and hedonism. It's good to move at your own pace if that's what you need. Just make sure you're not doing that thing where you work yourself sick, and then tell yourself that it's wrong to ask for help. You learn more from failure than from success.

Do:

Naptime

Aromatherapy

Reading Aloud

Don't:

Escape plans

Vices

Overcompensating

[myaquariusheart]

30/4

It's Sunday and I woke up in a bad mood from an anxiety-induced dream. The dream was weird and I wanted to stop thinking about stuff so I sat down and thought to write as I've been avoiding doing so. I realized I haven't felt this shit in so long and it's because I haven't let a man have so much emotional control over me other than I. Maybe it's best if I get over him because he's not giving me anything I want and it's making me more miserable than happy. I need to just focus on myself but I'm bored!!! All I'm doing is focusing on myself, I want someone to focus on me, but someone who I want as well. Not a man I don't want and whos doing the most because then it's just uncomfortable and makes me feel worse about myself. Anyway maybe my time will come soon but I'm tired of waiting, I need a man now, and I want him to take me on holiday. I wanna wear summer dresses and have some coconut water at the beach while I'm reading a book. Yesterday was Simon Sasa's anniversary party and honestly, it was lovely and such an escape from reality. There was food and music and everyone was dancing. I haven't danced in so long and I miss it, I wish I could dance without my grandpas and uncles around though. I've been going gym but I just feel so sad, like I want to do something interesting with my life and something fun. I don't want to do the same thing over and over again for months, I need change, I need something. Can I be picked to be a superhero or something? I feel like I deserve a life of luxury which I've never had in my life. I just want to be picked at random to become a model or something and go shop at Gucci on the weekends. Or at least be like an Insta model and then an agency sees me and sees potential in me and wants me to be the next big thing. But how I have no opportunities to do anything with my life and I've just had enough! I need to do something and stop waiting for things to happen but honestly, I don't even know where to start or where to look. Maybe I can find a good job and make a life for myself. Once I have saved enough I can start the life I want and maybe meet the love of my life too. I don't want to be someone who complains though, no one is going to read this so I can complain to myself but hearing other people complain is so annoying and actually hurts my brain. So I don't want to be those types of people and actually, just work on myself. I need to do it, be positive, and make something of myself. I know I wasn't born onto this earth to be a stinking Bengali housewife, I was born for so much more excitement. I need to just believe in myself and push myself to get away from all of this. I know there's a whole world out there for me to explore, I don't want to waste my life in this place or this house. I need to get out. I'm going to have dinner with T and I can't wait, I haven't seen her in ages and haven't been out in ages too. I need to just have an evening with good vibes and hopefully holiday talk. From Monday, it's going to be my last week of Uni. 2 assignments are left and I need to put my head down to focus. This is for me, this is so I can get the future I want. So I really need to focus and not procrastinate. I will hate myself forever if I don't pass.

[myaquariusheart]

27/4

This month is coming to an end and it's pretty scary. I submitted my presentation and my philosophy essay. So they are totally out of the way. I now only have dissertation and my sports science essay and I'm nervous but I'm not. Then uni is finished forever. Yesterday, Wednesday, that night I only had 2 hours of sleep and then had work so early. I literally slept at 5am even later and got to work around 8.15. I finished at 5 almost because I didn't realise how long mopping took and had to wait for the dishwasher. Then Cake came and we went to the gym. It was a good sesh and I'm happy with the progress that we've been making so far. I then went to Sainsbury to pick up some ingredients to make Butter Chicken for the first time. It was so good and everyone enjoyed it. Then my night got ruined and that's why I didn't write anything yesterday but anyway, I had a good day today, got my stuff done, and spent some time with J. I came home and had dinner really. I have work tomorrow and probably will go gym too. Right now I'm feeling a little shitty but it's probably because I haven't brushed my teeth or washed my face. I have some snacks to eat and then I'll do it in a bit. I don't feel too tired either so we'll see when I fall asleep hopefully not too late. I finished all of Catfish UK, at first I was hesitant to watch it but honestly I loved it, it was so funny, fun, and interesting.