my-worst-nightmare-is-you - Tumblr blog

my-worst-nightmare-is-you · 4 years

Text

I broke my glasses on Saturday, 13th July. No, not the lenses. The frame. Still, my heart scattered into pieces when I found out I clumsily broke the frame.

This is the fifth year I have been together with my glasses, the frame I meant since I have changed the lenses some times but let’s just call it glasses as a whole. I remember I bought it in an optik somewhere in Panjer with my best friend. We were in the last semester in high school, being busy preparing ourselves for the final exams. I remember we went there during the extra lessons break, along with finding lunch.

This frame was the one I immediately fell in love with, I remember there was another frame, similar, really similar, but the color was matte black. I liked them both just the same, leaving me for a while before booking and ordering it to have the lenses, which fit to my sight. I remember I took selfies wearing both of them, or was it my best friend taking the pictures? I remember I sent those selfies to my friends and my family, not really but I remember I asked my dad’s opinion about it. The price wasn’t cheap actually. I don’t remember the exact price but I am sure the frame combined with the lenses cost more than Rp 1.000.000. It wasn’t cheap for glasses, especially back then in 2015.

Thinking about how long have we been through together broke my heart so bad, this is not exaggerating but if you wear glasses almost 24/7 you would understand that better. Five years isn’t a short time. My glasses have been with me through the ups and downs, been with me while I prepared so hard for the final exams, being rejected in my dream university, studying hard again to get into public university that I never really planned to get in to, being accepted in uni, freshman year, even until right now that I’m struggling writing my bachelor thesis. Even in between my uni years I had been using several other glasses, but in the end I came back to you again. Because after all this time, you are still so far the most comfortable to be with. I could spend my 24/7 with you without even feeling like I am with you. It is how much I like to be with you.

I am still so broken hearted that I failed you. I thought I was a keeper, that I could take care of you for five years and more. But it turned out that my clumsiness is way over it. I really didn’t plan us to end like this. The day will be always remembered, it was 16:08. I just finished applying clay mask on my face, the clay mask I just bought for so cheap because of the discount, the clay mask which I hope would help me getting rid of the sebums on my face. I wanted to write a review about this clay mask, I took pictures of the clay mask and everything. I wanted to take pictures of me wearing the clay mask on my face, that’s the start of the disaster. I didn’t wear my glasses, hell who even wore glasses when wearing facial mask – no offense it just doesn’t make sense, I tried to reach for my phone, I thought my glasses was still laying somewhere across me, in another bed next to the bed I’m sitting on. Guess what, my glasses was just laying next to my phone, without me realizing, that’s when I accidentally put my left hand on the bed and lay it just like that. Exactly. On the top of my glasses.

I heard a crack and I was panicking. I threw my phone away – still on the bed though, and looked for the source of the sound. It came from my glasses. It feels like a lightning just strikes me.. I was just there, holding my broken glasses, staring blankly, feeling broken hearted.

I felt like I hated myself at that time. How could you be that clumsy?

I texted my boyfriend and my bestfriends and my brother. I told them all the exact same thing, that I broke my glasses. With capslock.

This is just not about how I could easily change my glasses and go buy a new one. I mean, yes, if I have the money, sure. But it is more than that. I haven’t planned to changed my glasses, the frame, the lenses yes because my sight is getting worse. It just hurts so bad I have to change my whole glasses and get a new one. It’s not that I don’t want to, but it’s just.. I don’t know how to explain it.

As someone with minus of more than 5,00- it’s really hard to not have glasses with you. It’s most likely the first thing I am looking for every single morning. My phone might be my best friend, but my glasses is like my soul mate. I just can’t live without my glasses.

Later in the same day I broke my glasses, I grabbed a tape. I put the tape and stick the broken glasses together again. While on the other hand, I’m also searching for another new glasses, to help me continue living normally. It’s after some hours I had spent crying and whining about my stupidity. Yes, I cried. A lot. A lot until my eyes felt so numb. I also lost motivation to be productive for some days.

Even when the sadness is still here, and it’s really hard to say good bye, it’s really hard to bid a sudden farewell, but I had to. Until next time, sister!

Love,

Zhinta.

written on Monday, 15th June 2020.

A Farewell to the Old Friend I broke my glasses on Saturday, 13th July. No, not the lenses. The frame. Still, my heart scattered into pieces when I found out I clumsily broke the frame.

0 notes

my-worst-nightmare-is-you · 4 years

Text

If you know me well, you would know how much I dislike doing sport. It’s because I am so not used of doing it and having big body makes me feel more insecure of doing any kind of sport. When someone asks me what my favorite sport is, I would proudly say, none. Not even running, it’s one of the sports that I hate the most, actually.

It’s not that I don’t like moving my a$$, it’s just I don’t know. I have asthma since I was a small kid, when I’m running I kinda started to have difficulties with my breathe. Back then in junior high school and senior high school, in sport we did running as warm up exercise, or even “exam” and get scores based on how fast we could run. I remember, me and some of my girl friends ended up failing and tried more than three times to achieve the minimum score, because we ran that slow. And that, almost always happened. Up until now I still don’t fancy running, which makes some of my friends in uni wondered why, because I always said no when they invited me to go jog together.

Probably the only sport that I like is swimming. But also back then in school, I don’t really like that either. I wasn’t excellent, but also not that bad. I mean I could swim, I could say. My favorite style is the one where you just floats and swim around on your back, I forgot what it’s called. It just makes me feel so peaceful and I could enjoy. It’s just.. when we’re talking about swimming, it reminds me of the public swimming pool. I really dislike it, if I don’t have to go, I’d rather not go. I dislike the feeling after you left the pool. My body feels like it’s dry, but it’s wet. Not to mention you also have to wait most of the time to use the shower and changing room. I remember in the last year of high school we went to the swimming pool nearby my house, I almost always went back home to shower and get properly changed immediately. So I left the swimming pool just dry myself out a little bit using the towel, wore back my used clothes, and drove back home.

There are only two kind of sports that I have mentioned above. You could see from that how I really am not a fan of sport. Not doing any kind of exercise daily makes my body just grow bigger and bigger, because on the other side I also love to eat and snack a lot. It has been more than a decade since the last time I am on my “normal” weight. Yes, I am overweight. Not that over, but still over my suggested weight (based on my height). I was like, meh, I don’t care about how I look as long as I feel comfortable and I love myself. I mean, that is true, too.

I started to panic over my weight like a month ago. I was trying to take proper selfies and none of them turned out to be how I wanted it to be. Because of the angle I used to really like of my face was no longer good. I don’t even need to look down to have visible double (or triple?!) chins. At that time, I told myself, I need to lose weight!

Things are easier to be said than to be done, right? Yes. The losing weight journey lasted for only two or three days. I cut down my calories intake for almost a half, I stopped eating snack, I stopped consuming rice and only consumed less less carbs. I counted what goes inside my body and how much calories I burnt. It was interestingly frustrating. It was also hard since it costs a lot too, for me. So I stopped there.

Even when I stopped, it got me thinking. I have diabetic history from my Dad, he passed away due to complications and I believed it all started with the diabetes. He told me back in his younger times, he really liked to consume sweets, everything with more sugar. It frightens me, I looked back on how careless I could be about what goes inside my body. Sometimes when things are really tasty, I just wouldn’t care how much I eat (or drink) as long as I still can consume them, which is not good for my health, actually. Then I also remember how my best friend told me she once got taken to the emergency unit after eating seafood recklessly and it turned out she has cholesterol, and as far as I know she has healthier lifestyle than I do. Thinking about it frightens me, to be really honest.

Because I know it would be hard for me to control my eating habit for now, because I still like to snack a lot (and healthy yummy snacks are more expensive, for me) and I don’t have my own money and my own kitchen yet, I would just stick to the same one, but of course a better one. I still eat Indomie in the middle of the night when I suddenly get hungry and a lot of deep fried foods, for example. But in return, I have been eating less rice than I normally did and I have been drinking more and more water everyday than usual. Also I have been trying to control myself more when it comes to tasty food (and drinks). Not bad.

And… believe it or not, I have been doing exercise for about half and a month! For me, it’s an achievement! Not that extreme, I have been doing cardio dance. I know I am not flexible enough in dancing, I know that for sure. But doing the dancing is just easier than normal work out for me, rather than the doing push ups, sit ups, planks, jumping jacks, etc. Beside, the music got me more enjoying the work out session. I know I might not burn a lot of calories doing the dance, but still, I moved my a$$ and it helped me a lot in not being easily tired when doing something physical.

I enjoy the “me time” while doing the work out, I can’t believe I say this myself but, it also makes me happier. I can’t explain why. I also appreciate my body more by working out, like how my hips move and shake, how my legs feel like burning when I am doing squats, how the sweats feel down on my cheeks which is questionable if it’s sweat or tears, how the air feels inside my lungs when I inhale and exhale, everything. It just feels good. I don’t care about the fat on my belly, it just makes me happy.

I had been doing the cardio dance following the video I found on YouTube, in the first two weeks I danced along with Sunny Funny Fitness videos and later I found out another channel from Pamela Reif. Pamela is a German, as far as I saw on her Instagram, she is the most followed German fitness influencer. Since she’s a German, I felt more connection to her rather than Sunny Funny and others. More than that, I turned out also really liking the dancing workout videos she made, aesthetically speaking it’s really pleasant to just watch the video, beginner talking it’s also easy to follow, what a perfect combo.

So I had been dancing with Pamela for maybe two or three weeks. I usually take two days rest in a week, depends on when I remember and when my work out clothes are on the laundry, so I have nothing to wear and can’t work out hahahaha most of the times, here’s how I do my current daily work out plan:

Warm up : I usually repeat this video two times

Dance : These two are the videos I mostly did the whole time. I like the Happy Dance more more more than the Cardio Dance, because for me it is way easier and I like the songs used there more. I mostly repeated the Happy Dance two times, or one time Happy Dance one time Cardio Dance. When I was too tired or unmotivated, I would just dance along with the Happy Dance and repeat the video only to dance one more song.

Cool down : I usually stopped after the first song is finished and repeat it again once more.

That routine was fun. But I got bored easily, I need more variations. It was really hard for me to find another dance workout that I really like, beside from Pamela’s. I like Sunny’s but the poses are mostly too hard for me to follow and the rhythm is too fast. And others really like to talk in their videos, which I don’t really fancy.

After a long time of consideration I finally got myself a yoga mat to support me in doing more variations of work outs. Of course I ended up buying it because it was on sale, thanks Shopee. It arrived yesterday and I finally am able to use it today in the afternoon. I was soooo excited. I had saved the weekly work out plans Pamela made on her Instagram since yesterday as soon as my yoga mat arrived.

I am currently on the first week, duh, and boom the workouts are so much harder than I thought it would be. So difficult and different comparing to the dancing workouts I had been doing for more than a month. It got me sweating more and faster. While I’m writing this, I still feel like my whole body is aching and burning from the workout I did at 16:00. Maybe because I had the idea of adding more exercise than it was already on the plan hahaha so as you can see below that is the work out plan Pamela made for the beginner in week 1, go on the first day, only two videos. I impulsively did almost 4. So before I did the work outs in the plan, I added my usual warm up routine as before. Then I did the two videos mentioned in the plan. Because the twenty minutes felt so fast, and I didn’t really do all the exercises perfectly (I was trying!) and I still had enough energy left, I told myself, why not go for another one? And I ended up trying the Yoga Flow for about 17 minutes! So it was, let’s say, 3 minutes + 10 minutes + 10 minutes + 17 minutes, in total 40 minutes! Holy moly…

It’s not that big progress, I’m doing baby steps. But I am happy and so proud of doing this so far! Let’s just hope I would be consistently doing this for the rest of my life, I mean, you know what I mean. Fingers crossed!

To close this, I would like to remind you all to stay healthy and stay safe, please drink more water and take care of yourself!

Love,

Zhinta.

written on Monday, 15th June 2020.

Happy Sweaty! If you know me well, you would know how much I dislike doing sport. It’s because I am so not used of doing it and having big body makes me feel more insecure of doing any kind of sport.

0 notes

my-worst-nightmare-is-you · 4 years

Text

A Piece of Love; a Point of View from an Amateur

These past weeks, I have been listening to some of my girl friends’ problems. Mostly about their relationships, as a newbie in romance, I could only offer ears to listen. I mean, what else can I do if I barely have any experience myself?

From those I could have one summary, which makes me sad and hurt at the same time, how we are here surrounded by unhealthy relationships and how I grow up seeing…

View On WordPress

0 notes

my-worst-nightmare-is-you · 4 years

Text

Me and The Sims

This is quarantine day I don’t know anymore. This world is currently facing a virus outbreak since months ago. Not as bad as apocalypse movies you might have seen, but also not any better. It sucks.

As a person who loves staying inside home, I have no problem at all to be told to stay at home. It is just so frustrating because I have to do this not because I want to, but I have to, due to not…

View On WordPress

0 notes

my-worst-nightmare-is-you · 4 years

Text

Brife an Papa (3); 10. März 2020

Hey, Pa.

Ever since you left, life has been rough and rougher and rougher each day. It’s not only that I lost my number one support system, but also a home. I mean, home is a feeling, right? Bali feels different without you. There’s always something missing in our family, that we would never find a replacement to fill the missing space. Not only that, but also my soul feels incomplete. It’s…

View On WordPress

0 notes

my-worst-nightmare-is-you · 4 years

Text

I just need to let this out.

The world currently is facing a virus outbreak, literally the whole world. As you might already know with that, the novel Coronavirus or what it is called officially, the COVID-19. I am writing this as I just knew from my friends, the government declared that there have been two positive cases in Indonesia. Finally. After our neighbor countries, mostly, already have ones before us, Singapore,…

View On WordPress

0 notes

my-worst-nightmare-is-you · 5 years

Text

Buat Visa Schengen Hochschulsommerkurs DAAD 2018

Oy, Schätze.

14 Maret 2018 08:37, ada surel masuk. Pengirimnya bernama Lidya, karena aku pikir undangan pertemanan di LinkedIn, aku biarkan, tidak kubuka. Aku melanjutkan main Instagram karena kelas hari itu ditiadakan, sampai akhirnya ada pesan masuk dari seorang kawan di LINE. Ia menanyakan apakah aku sudah cek surel atau belum, walau baru bangun tidur dan belum cuci muka, aku paham betul…

View On WordPress

#beasiswa daad #buat visa schengen #daad #daad hochschulsommerkurs #visa schengen kedutaan jerman

0 notes

my-worst-nightmare-is-you · 5 years

Text

triple double u dot bluradio je te er dot com

BLURadio

blur but sure

I seriously am gonna miss miss miss miss saying that as an opening and closing during on airing. For those who might not know what that is, that’s a station call from BLURadio Jatinangor, a community (well, I ain’t sure what’s the English word for UKM, tho) in my faculty, where I joined since I was a freshman.

Or a place where I learned a lot.

A place where I got out of my comfort zone.

A place where I learned to grow.

A place that actually led me to who I am right now.

And I am not exaggerating.

It all started on one of my very first days in college. I once promised to myself, that I am not gonna take any part on anything at all, to pursue my dream, to be the best one. No, I wasn’t that ambitious person, I was simply just a broken hearted young girl, who got rejected in her dream university. I thought about having a revenge, that I wanted to show them, who rejected me, that it wasn’t me who “loses”, but them. If you know what I mean.

But this one person, a member of BLUR, was really really good at persuading. Her skill in negotiating was excellent and her public speaking was too, she spoke in a really well confidence and manner, I just couldn’t lie that I dreamed about being like her, somehow. A well dressed person, who could speak in front of people in such a confidence and manner. That was really not the Zhinta back then in 2015, a girl who had no confidence at all, was awkward, didn’t care about how she looks at all, and never had the guts to speak in public.

She told me, that BLUR would taught me to change to a better version of me, a person I dreamed to be. Doesn’t matter if I had no experience at all. So yeah, she – or BLUR – basically just got me that time. I bought the registration form, filled it, and made a creative CV. That was probably the very first time I heard about non paper CV. I remember, I made a vase of flowers, from a cup of instant cereal and cartons, etc, took me maybe 3 days to finish it. It turned out not as I expected, but it wasn’t that bad and embarassing at all.

Don’t think after registrating and voila I’m a member now, welcome to the club. Nuh uh. I also had to pass the interviews. Three interviews. I was interviewed by the first division I chose – On Air, and the second – Reporter, and also by the General Manager or commonly known like the HRD part. On Air team asked me to show my ability in announcing off, that was meh! I mean, I couldn’t even speak properly, what did you expect.. and the Reporter team, of course, asked me to write a report about an event, that wasn’t bad at all for me, since I always love to write. Then, the interesting part was that in the HRD with the GM interview. The current GM, Kak Mamet, asked me why I chose On Air division as an announcer (not producer) as my first choice, when I always love to write, not to speak. So I told him the truth, how I wanted to get out of my comfort zone, that I wanted to learn another skill. I bet, I impressed him with my answer, because the next interesting question that I remember was about how often I listen to radio. Which I answered honestly too, which was quite silly because I don’t listen to radio. He ended up laughing formally to my answer.

Nevertheless, I passed the interview part. Yeay to me and my honesty, haha.

I honestly couldn’t believe, since there were just too many people who also registered, but only a few passed the interview! And I was one of the chosen ones.

That was actually just the beginning of the story yet I already wrote a lot, but it’s okay.

So, here’s how the journey actually began.

Next part is that I have to pass the training, which happened to be around one month. Two times a week, Monday and Wednesday. On the same time, I also took a part to organize a theatrical event, called Theatron, and our weekly meeting was also on Monday, on the same time, at 16:00. How great! I haven’t even learned how to organize my time, and didn’t know how to deal with stuffs like this. It was hard, you know, on the other side I have been chosen first by Theatron, but it was only an event, and here is this BLUR, which I would actually be a part of (if accepted) till the rest of my years here. Thank God, I found the answer to that, and that was the first thing I learned.

On the training I was taught how to be both a producer and announcer. As a producer, obviously we learned how to produce a program, how to handle the announcer(s), how to create a creative scripts, etc. I got no big problem with the script part but I had no idea how to handle people! Basically being a producer also taught me to be a leader of something, in this case the program I produce. As an announcer, I thought they only talk and talk and talk, but turns out talking is really hard, especially for me. Eventhough we got the script from the producer, we also had to figure other things out, how to correctly pronounce the name or whatever’s written there, we also had to find other interesting stuffs, we had to think quickly because sometimes the script is only written on points, we had to speak in smiling voice and pretend that we’re always happy with no problem to solve, etc. There’s just too much. I thought it wouldn’t be this hard though.

The trainers were Kak April for the producing, the current Program Director (PD), and Kak Jeje, the soon to be PD, for the announcing. Frankly saying, they were really strict, but they taught me and others really well, too. I learned a loooot. I also started to gain my self confidence there. There was a time when Kak Jeje was so mad at me, because I basically had zero confidence and I almost gave up everytime I made mistakes and didn’t want to continue and my voice became shaky, like I wanted to cry a river. She told me, “If you wanted to be an announcer, you have to have confidence and train your mental to be stronger. You can’t show and be broken when your, let’s just say producer started to point out your mistakes, and whine and cry. No. Move on and learn from your mistake. Be confident, you got that bomb voice and speaking skill inside you, ready to be exposed.”

Damn, that hit hard.

There was also a broadcasting seminar held by BLUR and the speakers were well known public speakers. I still got a note on my phone, written on Nov 5 2015, which has “Sosok utuh penyiar” as the title. Let me summarize what I wrote there, but in Bahasa because too lazy.

How : menguasai bahasa verbal, ekspresi, artikulasi, intonasi, visi.

Apa yang harus dimiliki penyiar : mental, faktor X, good looking, profil, ciri khas suara

Modal lain : wawasan, menyukai musik, kurangi ego, karakter

Cara terpilih jadi penyiar versi Program Director : CV yang baik, pengalaman, influence, minat dan bakat

You know what hit me hard again? The good looking part, because I always knew I don’t have that. Then the speaker said, it wasn’t the how pretty you are but how attractive. That’s different. How you look presentable in front of others. And… since that day I tried to present attractively and look good.

Mistakes by more mistakes, I learned. Until the day of the concert, the time where the Cafren (Calon Frenkuensi) had to show off their skill and what have they learned from the training in front of the whole members of BLUR. Ugh you didn’t know how nervous I was! We also had to wear a Minion theme outfit, just for fun. My part wasn’t that bad, I guess, I got some positive comments about my announcing performance and the sudden script I made, but still got critics on my self confidence, again.

The last part was the inauguration, it was basically just to get to know others, learned about the teamwork, etc. We ended up getting a letter of acceptance, which got me on tears, because it took me 3-4 months for everything.

Long story short, my work in On Air division began.

I worked as an announcer of BLUR Belajar Budaya on my first semester, together with Nisuy and produced by Ima. Moved to Ladies Parking on my second semester, together with Sarrah, and Bainal, produced by Kintan. Then moved to BLUR vs Mereka from March 2017 till September 2018, that was the most fun program I’ve been! It’s a game- and talkshow, where the announcer is the host of the program, so I got to meet a lot of new people or the guest stars. It’s the most tiring, too. Because I have to work harder, as the guest stars have to see me announcing, so both of my voice and face have to be “smiling”.

And as a producer, I worked on Diorama, from February 2016 until September 2017. The program was about love and love and love. If you know, how clueless I am about that!

Other than that I also took a part in events held by BLUR, like the Creativepreneur seminar, etc.

What’s funny is that, like I said, this is where all of my other stories in college began. On my second year, I joined the students’ council, for the Media and Information department, I had no experience in that. My “boss” told me, she accepted me because she likes how attractive I was during the interview, and thought I fitted in the place to be the video presenter of the report news. Being on the social medias, made me kinda well known, thanks to that ha. And during my work there, I got offered to be the head of Public Relations department in a national organization. I believe it wouldn’t happen just like that, it’s a butterfly effect, from me joining BLUR on my freshman year.

I also joined the theatre club. I gained more confidence to speak and to be shown in front of public, expressing myself.

The more I learned, the more self confidence I have. Doing presentations in front of the class becomes the thing I love to do, getting to know new people becomes way easier for me right now, I finally knew how to look presentable in front of others, to be the face of an organization.

I received a couple of offers to be a moderator, a master of ceremony, and event as a speaker on events at the campus. Those were the things I couldn’t even dare to imagine in my past years.

On my third year, BLUR believed in me to be the Program Director. It’s unbelievably fast how years could pass without us realizing. I still think of me being a newbie, started my very first time announcing, moving to another programs, the time came when I have to train other people, until the time I have to say good bye and become a passive member.

Time flies, they say.

I could only say thank you for all the things these past three years. I have never ever in my life regretted being a part of BLUR, through the ups and the downs. Maybe I have complained a little bit too much, but yeah.

I’m sure everyting I have learned in BLUR will be useful for my future, for me to pursue my dreams.

Last but not least, thank you for making me the BLUR but sure version of myself.

Wah, sayang banget nih temen ngeBLUR tampaknya waktu sudah memaksa kita untuk berpisah. Tapi gpp, jangan khawatir, karena temen ngeBLUR masih bakal ditemenin sama Frenkuensi-Frenkuensi baru BLURadio yang nggak kalah seru dan asiknya kayak Zhinta. So, Zhinta pamit undur diri, sampai bertemu lagi di lain waktu. Tschüss!

BLUR but sure triple double u dot bluradio je te er dot com BLURadio blur but sure I seriously am gonna miss miss miss miss saying that as an opening and closing during on airing.

#bluradio jatinangor #bluradiojtr #radio jatinangor #ukm fib unpad

0 notes