motherofbleps

[motherofbleps]

Here I sit. Once more. Waiting, hoping, longing for the best outcome. I can hear him crying out just beyond the door. Just out of reach.

For now, I wait. And sit. And listen to the quiet hum of the soda machine. Wait. Wait. Wait.

[motherofbleps]

Existing is weird and I don’t want to do it anymore

[motherofbleps]

Hey there. I forgot you existed. My body and my mind are becoming one again but I’ve been kneecapped.

“I watched you down half of a container of Oreos in one sitting.” “I’m not shaming you, I’m just worried about your health.”

You could have fooled me. You could have fooled me.

[motherofbleps]

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like had you not died the way you did. He already had the cancer, we just didn’t know. Is it better that you didn’t have to live through that? Would you be living in CA by now? Would you have withered away and died of a broken heart?

I’m not sure and I will never be certain. But I do know that where ever your souls are, they are together. You taught me what true love is and I thank you for that.

[motherofbleps]

I come for the ice and happen to get my hair done at the same time!! They don’t have any ice!!!! AUUUUGH

[motherofbleps]

My insecurities are loud today. I hate every single particle of my being. I just want to feel normal for one fucking second.

[motherofbleps]

Scott Cutler

[motherofbleps]

PANSYBEAST

[motherofbleps]

I really hope I’m about to start my period and not a depressive episode. I’m tired.

[motherofbleps]

Why do I even care? What does it change? Nothing.

Nothing.

[motherofbleps]

O N E H O U R

T W E N T Y E I G H T M I N U T E S

[motherofbleps]

ovvvo / gouache and digital

[motherofbleps]

It’s Monday. It is a very Monday Monday. I’m still not convinced that she doesn’t hate my fucking guts. Especially now that she’s been in town a week, hasn’t come to see me, and is talking about just wanting to go home. I’m so tired. I’m exhausted. I just wanna go home, curl up, and cry myself to sleep. Fucking idiot. You’re a fucking idiot.

[motherofbleps]

I have approximately three friends and I’m pretty sure I like them more than they like me. I feel like I’m 10 again and everyone is making fun of my comfort sweatshirt.

I don’t know how to verbalize this without sounding like a needy fucking idiot. If I’m like “hey I know we’re adults but do you like me?” They will feel required to say yes. But I just. Maybe one day I will have a friend that wants to see me as much as I wanna see them and they aren’t a psychopath piece of shit.

I hope I’m wrong. I hope I’m wrong.

[motherofbleps]

[motherofbleps]

PTSD? This song made my whole body convulse. Fighting off a memory just behind the wall. This song made me immediately sick to my stomach. I have no idea what the memory is. Maybe it’ll come to me in a dream but god I hope not. The way I felt was bad so it must have been even worse.

[motherofbleps]

I know dying is a part of life. It is the one thing every single person will do. I understand that. But seeing your house listed for sale. The idea of someone else owning it. The concept that I will never be inside those walls again. The fact that I won’t get to smell the inside one last time. It’s too much. It makes the grief feel overwhelming all over again.

You never got to see the house we bought. You never met 3 out of 5 of our babies. You would love them. I’m sure you would send them gifts like you did your human babies. I know you’re still here. I know you see the house and the animals and the progress we are making. I know you’re here. I love you.