morningmouse

[morningmouse]

Kulang rakog guts to face my feelings to him. I'm tired of acting that it's fine to be left on read, not being asked what's wrong, not making an effort of knowing me, and not communicating about our label. Kapoyan nako and I need to end this. Please let me have lakas ng loob to confront this guy.

[morningmouse]

11/25/23

Hello! It's been so long and now I'm here to rant again. I think I have eating disorder. Nag break rako sa fast and now nadaot nasad along tan aw sa akong sarili, nasamutan pa tong gitan aw nako ang pictures sa SLA. My hair idk how to grow it healthy. Nadagdagan pa sa akong katalk. Okay first, gababa nasad akong self-esteem because of eating too much and I don't look good in pictures. Pangetan kay ko sa akong sarili, taba and such but I want to eat food, good food. Ga-over eat nsad ko after months of fasting. I know pwede mag workout pero di nako mabuhat buhat. Next, gusto nako humanon ang tanan sa akong katalk kay di ko mentally healthy, I can't continue anymore. I'm insecure that's why di nako ganahan makig talk. I want to fix myself sa kay I don't want to worry what other's think. "Isabay diay nimo ang pag fix sa imo self while talking to someone?" it's easier said than done kay lisod kaayo patuohon ang self without worrying unsay iingon sa lain nimo. Lisod kalaban ang sarili that's why I want to focus on myself sa. Naa nako sa point na I know di ko muprogress if naa koy kastorya ron kaso maglisod kog cutoff kay we build emotional intimacy na. I don't want to wait for december pero I think I need to do cut off na jud. Mao rato. I'll try to be the better me.

[morningmouse]

8/7/2023

Hello! It's been months since I uploaded here and now I'm gonna talk about what happened so far in my life. My friends in college graduated already last June and it was a bittersweet feeling as I am happy for them but at the same time, I don't have anyone to rely on in my last year of college (hopefully) because they're not in school anymore. Also, last time when they are preparing for graduation I have this feeling of kasuya to them because they are graduating and I'm not. I kept on overthinking my past like regretting my actions before and thinking of the future. Pero karon kay medyo okay na akong feeling and ginatry nako mag focus sa present. I need to practice what I preach. I kept on saying na live on the present but somehow I find myself sometimes overthinking about the future. Well, I still sometimes worry about future but I'm working on the present me. I've been working on myself lately, minsan dinadalaw ng insecurities minsan naman hindi. The guy that I'm talking to last May kay gastorya gihapon mi now. I was asked by an acquaintance by "what was I holding to in your relationship?" I really don't know. Maybe I got attached to him kaya siguro maglisod ko ug end sa iya even though I want to end it. He's good but not for me. Nagsisi ko kay nag reply back ko sa iyang ily's na for me it's a big deal. Nadala jud ko sa emotions last time ayy. I don't really have a reason para iend kay gusto sad nako sya as pampalipas oras but he's kinda getting on my boundaries sometimes. Like we talked in mornings, afternoons, and evenings everyday and it's getting on my head sometimes. I need to clarify more about this relationship cause all I know murag di kaayo sya good sa ako. Well, magklase nami this 9th of August and wala koy ginalook forward jud sa college. I don't really have friends na nailook forward nga muadtog school. Kailangan na nako sanayon akong sarili nga mag isa. I'm gonna be greedy this year, like good greedy ig. Higher grades, higher good performance, passing thesis, passing all exams and subjects, getting into intern, having a high paying part time job, better me, declaring these in the universe✨✨✨

[morningmouse]

5/26/2023

I’m not doing good. I’m going back to the old me, the me who is lazy and tired. I’m sick of this feeling. I can’t get rid off it immediately. I can’t ask for help. I’m dying.

[morningmouse]

5/18/2023

Hello! It’s me again wanting to have chika with myself. I think I’m not suited for dating, I thought that I am capable of dating but it kinda drains me out. Before jumping on talking to someone, my mind is going strong and stable but when someone came in, I do think my mental health is deteriorating but not to the extent of what happened last last year. If I talked honestly, I’m insecure of myself but I’m working on that and at the same time I feel like I’m gonna get rejected because of the actions of this person. I should’ve played it cool however I think I’m catching feelings. I feel so bored when talking to others but gets excited when he chats me. However, I do really think that I can’t do relationships because of this feeling that I have. It’s not that I am scared of rejection nor commitment, it is because I jump into conclusions where I really feel it. I have this type of feeling, to be exact intuition, which usually is correct. I really feel that this person likes to talk to me however I also feel like it’s for his convenient. Also, I think that if we meet, he will not like me as I am not his type. I really do know it that is why I wanna end this talking with him. That’s it I wish to have a good exam scores tomorrow, goodnight.

[morningmouse]

4/4/2023

Hello! I don’t really have much problem about my acads but I do have in my life. Anxious lang for our thesis ‘cause I feel like di namo ma justify ang among study but we’ll gonna push it through. So for life, I feel like I’m behind of people as I don’t have a job and dili ko maka grad on time. However, I’m trying to pawala these kind of thoughts kay lahi lahi jud ang tao. I’m on the process of changing however I feel like walay fruit sa akong ginabuhat. But I’m gonna stay positive for what I do and I hope that I’ll find my path. Permi jud nako mahinumduman ang the mountain is you which is really true. I really need to work on myself to be satisfied enough of what I want to be. Another is lisod man diay makipag date if naa kay insecurities oy, you feel like you are not worthy of someone’s attention pero hello? If it doesn’t work then it will work the next time around. It’s not like I’ll focus on that person, tho kinda tiring but yeah. I realized na kapoyan sad kog entertain ug tao in the long run and nasanay kog ako ra isa. I want to get to know that person more but at the same time feel nako ga step kog boundaries which is I feel like kung nag step ko sa ilang boundaries kailangan sad nako sila pasudlon sa akoa. Which is again, narealize nasad nako nga di man nako need ipasulod or ipatamak sakong boundaries ba and it’s their choice nga gipapasulod ko nila sa ilang space, right? Basta yon na yon HAHAHHAH have a nice day everyone!

[morningmouse]

Odiba pag abot nila they demanded a food tas they wanted it my fault na wala ko nagluto. They know na way nagluto, why is it me na kailangan mag take ug action nanagaboang namo

3/16/2023

Kakamata lang na ako and I often wake uo at 10 in the morning which is usually the time for me to decide on what to cook for their lunch. Tapos karon it’s way past 10 nako nakamata so I thought naa na silay gipili na pagkaon which is wala daay gihapon naglihok. Dili ko magluto but why is it my fault na di ko magluto para sa ilahang food? Why do I feel bad nga dili ko magluto tas akong manghud is just like “nganong ako man?” so dili jud daay nako dapat i-take ang responsibility na magluto miskag magutom sila? I was practiced like this? Kaboang and everytime na mahitabo ning situation, it’s always my loss miskag di ko mukaon sa akong giluto kay akong giluto para ni nila. Kasuk.an pajud ko nganong di ko magluto para nila? Kamo diay? Wala moy kamot? Maybe dramatic lang kay ko but have you ever realized na pag di ko mutake ug action sa luto kay wala sad moy kaunon? Sige there are times na kamo magluto like sa akong igsuon it’s because maybe wala ko sa balay or giignan tamo nga kani ang lutua or whatnot. Kapoya ba. 

[morningmouse]

3/16/2023

Kakamata lang na ako and I often wake uo at 10 in the morning which is usually the time for me to decide on what to cook for their lunch. Tapos karon it’s way past 10 nako nakamata so I thought naa na silay gipili na pagkaon which is wala daay gihapon naglihok. Dili ko magluto but why is it my fault na di ko magluto para sa ilahang food? Why do I feel bad nga dili ko magluto tas akong manghud is just like “nganong ako man?” so dili jud daay nako dapat i-take ang responsibility na magluto miskag magutom sila? I was practiced like this? Kaboang and everytime na mahitabo ning situation, it’s always my loss miskag di ko mukaon sa akong giluto kay akong giluto para ni nila. Kasuk.an pajud ko nganong di ko magluto para nila? Kamo diay? Wala moy kamot? Maybe dramatic lang kay ko but have you ever realized na pag di ko mutake ug action sa luto kay wala sad moy kaunon? Sige there are times na kamo magluto like sa akong igsuon it’s because maybe wala ko sa balay or giignan tamo nga kani ang lutua or whatnot. Kapoya ba. 

[morningmouse]

3/8/2023

Hello! I’m not having a bad day but not a good day either. I just want to update here. These days, I find myself doing maladaptive daydreaming frequently. I can stop it but can’t control it on happening again. I also catch myself feeling down when I see students who are in their 4th year and people who succeeded at a young age. I wanted to cry when that thought is coming again which is thinking that I do not have a direction. I sometimes want to do that in order for me to calm my thoughts but I’m restraining myself as I promise that I’ll stop doing that. Last night was a hard night as I planned on sleeping early but what happened is that I’m having a hard time to fall asleep as I was thinking a lot. But yeah, I can do this I know that I can do this. I maybe get tired and lost but eventually I’ll come back. I’m starting to find my path. Finding on what I really want. I hope that I can be fine soon and people who are around me. Wish me luck and for the people I have! 

[morningmouse]

2/25/2023

Accept the fact that not everyone will like you. As you don’t like everybody, the same goes for most of the people to you. People come and go, they are not always there for you but yourself is always there for you. In the end, look out for yourself. It’s not selfish to prioritize yourself first before others. Remember what makes you happy and comfortable. Set your goals on what’s beneficial to you. Remember what’s beneficial to you. 

[morningmouse]

1/26/2023

grabe what are these emotions that I’m feeling? they moved on so I should too. I’m not in denial of what happened but what the fuck is this frustration that I’m feeling? SIguro tungod sa acads but also sa men na akong nakasalamuha? There’s no going back fuck men and women are fucking disappointing. Almost all people I’ve met are disappointing. I’m not talking about friends nor my family, I’m talking about people I’ve had something. At the same time, my feelings are mixed with disappointment of myself because of acads. I’m going thru at it again, the feeling of tiredness and being lazy. I need to get my shit together. Tarungi na dae kay hago na mubalik. Kaya na nimo gogogo

[morningmouse]

12/31/2022

Wow it’s the last day of december, I didn’t think na muabot kos new year but here I am alive and still kicking. These past few months was somewhat a cycle, sometimes good sometimes not. Karon kay I’m not feeling myself. Actually, I forgot na I have tumblr where I can vent out of my thought may nalang kay nahinumduman nako. I am stuck again with this problem kaning case like last school year na nakapa tungod nakog bagsak but surprisingly dili ko pressured or down like tung last time na nagbuhat ko ani. Tho I am still having problems on finishing it which is I hope I can finish this, I am trying and I should really finish this. I have another realization na which is katingalahan nako, why can’t I show my older pics and current photos to someone? Am I that insecure of myself? Ing ana jud ko ka way confidence sa sarili? I’m actually talking to someone right now and he asked for my face like selfie ba ganon for face reveal daw. It’s not just him ha pati yung pasts kausap ko, I always try to find good photos of myself but failing to found something that might pleases others pero wala sad koy intention na isend ang pic its just that while finding myself a pic to show myself to others, I find it very hard kay pangetan ko sa akong sarili. Why should I impress the others? Why should I look good for others? Bat ko kinakahiya sarili ko? Why do I keep wanting to please the others? Do I want validation? I thought kasi I love myself but it turns out di pa rin pala. I can’t face myself, so what if they don’t talk to you because of your appearance? so ing ana diay sila ka shallow, ing ana pud ka kashallow because gatan aw kas imong appearance. wag ganyan cleng hahahah. I hope na you’ll accept and love yourself. Happy New Year I wish you and all will have a good year!!!

[morningmouse]

10/23/2022

How to not give a fuck? I don’t really know either. Last night, I was out with my friends and some acquaintances in some places where there’s a lot of people, booze, and loud music. Imbes na having fun, puro insecurities ang naa sa akong hunahuna. I was so uncomfy of myself as well as the people around me. I know it’s because I’m not confident and started to compare myself to others, especially downgrading myself to my friends. It’s bad to compare but I can’t help myself. Gusto ko na mawala ni sakong feeling. I don’t like being like this. I hope that I’ll get there, where I can’t compare myself to others because I’m satisfied and contented on how I look. Confident and loving myself, I hope that I can attain that mentality. Please I’m tired of feeling pretty but feel ugly when I step out of our house. 

[morningmouse]

9/7/2022

Hello! I’m here again. My emotions and feelings are mixed right now. My mind is also going off these days as I don’t know what’s going on with me. Lately, my eating habit seems not to be good as I don’t like eating rice but still ate it even if I want to puke from it, I want to eat veggies but I find myself not to cook for myself, and I always in need of coffee even if I don’t drink as much as I used to. I’m going back to who I am last year, I think I’m relapsing, I started to care again of the things in the past even if it’s just simple things and overthink it and having the hard time to remind myself na it’s in the past already. Natrigger ko sa sky castle last time wherein naay suicidal part that’s why siguro na feel ko ni again. Wala pa nako gibuhat akong mga activities uban and mga gusto nako buhaton sa akong self. I feel like I’m not improving. They said na take it easy but I’m not even doing enough effort on the things I want to do. I’m talking to my friends online and to this guy which is I think distraction sa akin. Should I not talk to them? I mean it’s fine man siguro to not talk to them, referring to people from walkie talkie, naulaw ko last time sa akong gibuhat like dafaq. Pero I’m moving on from that man and they said na its fine lang lage daw soooo yeah that’s fine however this month man gud kay I have lots of plan with my friends. Meeting Hannah and Steph this 17 and 18, attending bday of Jenny sa 19 till 20, and meeting BJ  a week before his birthday. I think I can’t attend to BJ that’s why I’m having a hard time na bawion akong ingon from him kay I made a promise na and he has record pajud from it. Also, Steph next week pupunta samin to take an exam and me na di mafix ang akong self. Di man dapat ko loaded now ba but it seems na bug.atan nasad kos akong now kay permi rako seg ugma nalang oy. I should’ve made my works tanan before attending to my friends for fun, naboang najud ko. Survive ug ayo cleng!

[morningmouse]

I’m hoping na he’ll pansin me but at the end of the day he didn’t. Call me a fool but I’m assuming na those tweets were for me but I also am assuming na he has somebody else na. I always see him in discord, idk if ginatuyo niya i on iyang status or ana lang jud sya kay he’s not fond man ng dc but I’m bothered by his presence ddto. I accepted na the fact na we won’t talk na but if ever he’ll talk with me again then I’m open na. Jk, idk if ever mag talk syag balik basig di nako mu go and also he read na my message so I think he’s okay na.

[morningmouse]

8/12/2022

Hi! I’m alive and still kicking. I really don’t know how I got here, all I know is He gave me a chance to live. Actually, I was supposed to die but the sign that He gave me made my decision to take my life postponed. Now, I’m starting to notice changes in my behavior and also thinking although minsan sumasagi sa utak ko yung mga iniisip ko dati. I’m still in the process of healing and changing which is I’m hoping is for the better. Yun nga lang, galisod kog work sa akong self which is why I’m also here to think on what I really want to work on. First, my academics jud akong baguhon kay I promised myself to study and learn since nabagsak ko last time and I have the chance to be better at it. Second is my weight, my BMI kasi nung pre-pandemic is normal pero nung nag lockdown umabot ako ng obese 1, thankfully ngayon is bumaba although I’m overweight. I’m currently trying intermittent fasting kaso these days di nako mamaintain maintain because maattract and tempt na dayun ko sa foods, also I want to workout kaso tamad jud kay ko to research through things. I know kulang nalang jud nakog sugdon so hopefully soon masugdan na nako. Actually kana lang akong naisip na kaya nako baguhon pero gusto pa nako dagdagan especially ang sleep kaso for the sleep part man jud kay di pako sure if mabago dayun nako so I’m finding pa laing things na baguhon. Okay, I realize na di sa ko magdungag and focus sa ani akong duha ka goals since wa pajud nako nabuhat buhat. Naboang na kay now ko lang jud na narealize na if I want more things na ichange or iexplore sa akong self, I should start doing and working na sa duha ka butang na until now naa ra sa akong utok. See, writing things make my head clearer chos. I’ll come back here again puhon, hoping na buhi pa ko ana. Thank you.

-Cleah

[morningmouse]

6/1/2022

This time kay sure nako of ending my life. Whatever happens, happens. To my friends laban lang mo diha, live your life to the fullest and if you have problems don’t be afraid to share it or find a way to let it out. I’m sorry for my friends na nagapagawas ug ilang gibati sa ako kay I can’t listen to you guys anymore, gonna watch you from afar nalang jud labani nnyo, ayg sundog nako bawal na HAHAHHAHA. Sa akoang online friends diay, pasensya na guys I can’t play with you anymore sayang paparank up sana ako sa valo tas kay Ky from dc kay labani lang diha pre para makachill nakag ayo after grad nimo. For Julia and Cass, I hope na okay lang mo permi, do what you love miskag maabtan pamog pila ka years nga makita unsa juy gusto nnyo sa life, be yourself always, and alagai inyong sarili and atong parents. Ma and pa, ask your daughters if they are alright or okay ba ron, okay ra ba sila sa school, okay lang ba sila ron, or just pangutana lang sila musta ilang adlaw (pati pud kamo jul pangutana sila mama ani kay permi na sila kapoy gikan trabaho), alagai sad inyong sarili ma pa, ayaw mo seg lalis sa kwarta maniguwang mog samot ana char. Sa tinuod lang dili pako gusto mamatay pero wala koy makita nga future sa akong sarili, blangko tanan. Okay ra jud kos akong course pero ang kakapoy sa akong sarili ug wa kasabot unsa akong gibati kay di madala hahahaha. I’m sorry if I chose this way, kabalo ko nga selfish kaayo akong gibuhat pero dili najud ko, di nako kaya mahimong kahihiyan sa pamilya, I don’t know myself anymore, and I can’t see anymore what’s beyond me. I love you, thank you, and I’m sorry.