moreventsthanamongus
More vents than among us
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I can’t sleep
I feel simultaneously numb and overflowing with sadness and regret
I wish I never dated him
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It takes a month for the love of my life to get over me
Why am I still crying
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Happy Valentine’s Day to all the men who made me a victim in one way or another
Go fuck urselves
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big time vent
The first memory I have of my body is when I was 8. In year 4 we were learning about the different states, solid liquid gas. Miss Nolan handed around a bag of cholate buttons and asked us all to take one, hold it in your hand or place it on your tongue, and see what happens she said. I’ll hold mind in my hand I thought, then my classmates will know I’m not fat because I’m greedy, I just happen to look that way. No one else held theirs, I walk to the bathroom alone to wash my hands.
When I’m 10 I walk to school alone. I’ve only just started to be interested in boys, and I’m even more aware of how I look. I know I'm bigger than the other kids my age. A group of men in a car stop for me at the zebra crossing. They tell me I'll grow into my body soon. They tell me to give them a call. I'm only 10 I think, can't they see my school uniform? I'll never know their names.
When I'm 13 I have a friend named Luce. She's pretty and skinny. She's a vegetarian, so I become one, maybe I can be skinny too. She's anorexic, so I imitate it, maybe I can be skinny too. I starve myself when people can see, and I go home and eat. I develop binge eating disorder. My weight doesn't change. I'll never forget her name.
When I'm 14, we spend out time at sleepovers on Omegle. It's what everyone did. You laugh when old men flash you and ask how old you are. Something doesn't feel right, but everyone's doing it. I'll never know their names.
When I'm 15, I use Tagged. Everyone around me is in a relationship, and I think my chances are better online. I speak to all sorts of men from different ages. I'm not being groomed I think. I know what grooming is. These men are just kind to me when they talk about my body. A 21 year old man named Nick plans for me to visit him. I'll never forget his name.
When I'm 16, I loose my virginity to Jake. It wasn't special, or mind blowing. But I loved him, and it was intimate. I still remember small details, how we went to London and the science museum, my red lipstick, his blue camo coat, how we raced my parents home so we would have a free house. I consented, and he checked. I'll never forget his name.
When I'm 16, I start college. I meet Quaid. He tells me I'm pretty. He convinces me to send him photos of myself, I think he likes me. He shares the photos with his friends. I don't know the names of the men who have seen my breasts now. I cry because I'm a slut, I've only had sex with one man. I'll never forget his name.
When I'm 16, I date Julien. I think he loves me. He rapes me. It's not rape I tell myself, he thinks my no's are playing. Like when he tickles me. He leaves me and gets with another woman, and starts telling everyone about my saggy tits. I don't bother explaining gravity. I go to the youth centre in town, and the man tells me that it's hard to prove rape if he was my boyfriend. I steal ibuprofen from my nan, and swallow them. I get scared and call 999 for myself, dying is scary. I survive. I'll never forget his name.
When I'm 17, me and Ryan break up. I still have to stay at his house, as we made plans. He's drunk and he starts to touch me. I don't want him to, so I say no. I sleep on the floor that night. I know how to say no, and he respected it. He ends up cheating on me and getting chlamydia, I'll never forget his name.
When I'm 18, I start university. I haven't experience night life before this, except drinking in a field with friends. One night my friends go home early, they leave me with someone, I can't remember who. Another man wants to take me home, no-one checks what I want. I remember trying to stop him. I remember waking up and he was gone. I remember the comments from my flatmates about the good night I just had. I don't know if anything happened, what proof do I have if I don't even know what he looks like. I'll never know his name.
When I'm 18, My binge eating disorder gets worse. I plan it days ahead. I still do not know that I have an eating disorder. One cheat day won't hurt I tell myself.
When I'm 26, My boyfriend of 3 years sexually assaults me. I don't know that yet. I wake up from a nap with Liam. One of his hands were down my pants, and the other down his. He notices I wake up and he stops. Maybe he thought I was awake, I tell myself. He breaks up with me 6 months later, that was the last time he touched me. Maybe if I stayed asleep he would still love me I tell myself. Maybe if I let him he would still love me. It's not assault if he's my boyfriend right. It's not rape if he didn't use his penis. I bring it up the last time we speak, he doesn't remember it happening. Maybe I'm just making it up. I'll never forget his name.
When I'm 26, I am the most suicidal I've ever felt. I plan my suicide using tools from amazon. I stop working, I binge nearly every day. My boss buys me 6 hours of therapy. I start to realise that I was sexually assaulted. I was asleep, I could not consent. I did not consent. I realise that I have an eating disorder, and that every time I do it, I've been self harming. I continue therapy from my own wallet, until the desire to kill myself subsides.
My name is Ally and I'm 26 years old, and I start to wonder when I lost ownership of my own body. Was it when I was 8 and decided that my peers opinion of my body mattered more than mine? Was it when I was first catcalled or flashed. Was it when images of me were shared without my consent, or when sexual acts were taken from me without consent. Did I get ownership back when I said no, and proved I could say no, only to loose it again to the next man to take it?
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can i get waht i want. can i get what i want. can i get wat i want right now
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The regret stage has kicked in
What if I just didn’t open my heart to Steve
Maybe we’d still be friends
Maybe I’d still be delulu
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