mnemyyy

[mnemyyy]

“When others asked the truth of me, I was convinced it was not the truth they wanted, but an illusion they could bear to live with.”

— Anaïs Nin

[mnemyyy]

““You’ll be okay. Storms don’t last forever.” Unknown”

—

[mnemyyy]

“When others asked the truth of me, I was convinced it was not the truth they wanted, but an illusion they could bear to live with.”

— Anaïs Nin

[mnemyyy]

So, here's the thing...

I'm in the middle of crushing on someone that should not be. I mean, I just had this crazy thoughts and sudden feelings for someone unexpectedly fleeting. It's sound cringy, and I think it is too I know but I'm gonna tell it anyway here to realize something and probably wake up my senses. Although I already know I should.

Well, I know myself that I get easily flattered when I've found or felt something what I'm looking for to someone. It's not everyday I get the chance to meet someone and meet my expectations. That is why sometimes, I have this thing in my head like I am attracted to this person something like that. Then my mind will go wild and overthink things like, "oh I think he'll be a good partner" and then imagine romantic things and including him in my future, like how nice would it be to do these things with him everyday and so on. See, that's my problem and I don't know what to do about it. But then again sometimes I know. So yeah, I know I'm a bit chaotic and confusing.

So, I had this guy and he is my classmate. Actually,I have already noticed him since day 1 but I disregarded it because I don't know,I was so immensed at the nows of my daily college life that everything I experienced were all normal things and they were'nt big deals to think and write of. And actually it's my first time writing again about how I feel since first day of Baguio.

So going back...well, this guy is someone I can fight like a little kid with. immature fights (but not intentionally). We're just acting like that so I get used to it, and it didn't mean anything.

Until....

one night, I saw him in my dreams, weirdly. I mean, why would he appear in my dreams? he is the least I expect to dream of. really. I didnt mind it at first because It was merely a dream and I even told it to my friend.

This week gone in a glimpse and then Thursday came and we had ftf class. We were groupmates in one of our subjects and I had a nice, unexpected and very open conversation with him. It was really a good conversation with him and I like talking to him that lab period. I really didn't expect him to ask a lot of questions about me and I didn't expect to be curious about him. I didn't really want to talk to him because he had to finish his part on our group activity and I didn't want to share who I am personally to him. Like why would I? we're not even that close to share my likes and me as a person to him.

But he was just so stubborn to ask so I myself didn't expect to share my thoughts and about me to him. I got to know him, but not very much. He was very talkative, yes. but he is also a good listener. I mean he's good at conversing to someone like me who hardly talk and share. He can notice and pictures who I am witbout even telling him. I mean how did he know me. He's just guessing but how come he is right about me. Like how I like classics, aesthetic, strong independent woman, paris, simple things...etc. Maybe that is why I like talking to him because he seems interested in me and I know he will listen...I really admire our conversation because we talked about ourselves and our thoughts openly...we got to know each other, or at least I have.

Nevertheless, I am

[mnemyyy]

I don’t easily get scared because I’m the kind of girl who loves to explore more than being afraid. However, one thing that really frightens me is when there will come a time that I’ll be lost sight of my dream. Time where I’ll doubt myself if that is really what I want. Time when I am not sure anymore if that’s the path I really want to take. I am also scared when there will come a time that I wish I can go back to a moment but couldn’t anymore. So, I really hope that I can do things that I love and be myself.

[mnemyyy]

I’ve been thinking this for a while and I have realized that I don’t have the mood for long term serious romantic relationships anymore. I just want meet random men, no commitment, no strings attached, just making friends and all. I’m too tired of complicated connections. I want something straightforward, honest, and fun to goof around with. Life is short and the world is wide. 

[mnemyyy]

I was having my afternoon nap when my friend drop by and gave me something. He knows that I love shawarma and he bought two for me. I’m so happy because it was so thoughtful and sweet. I can’t help but to brag it to my sister that I have such a nice friend hahaha

[mnemyyy]

I had a lot of laughter today despite the stress caused by my homework. Gratitude to my dear friend who makes me laugh hard on my tough days. He’s so one in a million. A definite reason to smile even in just little things, he makes me happy and hopeful.

I like it when this friend of mine talks too much to me and we end up prolonging our conversation when it should end because we say so. but we keep on replying to each other and no one would want to end the convo because we still had a lot to say 😅 it's like there's no other day for it. 😂🤣

[mnemyyy]

No. I’m wrong. I matter to them and they just proved it today. A simple “sorry” from them makes my heart happy. I can’t help but smile in tears.

It seems just I’m not important to my friends. 

[mnemyyy]

I guess guys nowadays loves attractive, pretty girls. I’m not pretty enough to make a guy stay in love with me. Their feelings change no matter how long it was. They’ll realize how ugly I am if they saw a more beautiful girl and more attractive ones. In the end, they’ll just leave me dumbfounded but it’s okay even if it hurts, I understand now.

[mnemyyy]

It seems just I’m not important to my friends. 

[mnemyyy]

A lot of thoughts are clouding my mind right now. Well, I feel restless thinking of our financial problems. As I was talking to my mom how many debts we have and not having enough money, I feel awfully sad and feel like crying. You see, I am the eldest daughter and I am next reliable person aside mom and dad. I am thinking of my responsibilities and the things I need to do and sacrifice for our family. It may looks like we’re not struggling on the outside, but we are. We really are right now. If only we are rich, would our problems been solved already? If only I could work and earn money now, I could help in paying our debts. I feel sad seeing my mom having insomnia because of her worries and my papa looking tired and all. Thinking about how they work hard just to support us and make my dreams come which still has a long way, I imagine how many more sacrifices before I get to make my family live comfortably as others live in rn. It hurts here you know. it pains me. 

Still, I am happy spending my time with them and laugh a lot. I should not be even thinking of my childhood love. It’s so stupid of me. How can I still think that we’re the same 11 years ago? I didn’t realize how foolish I am to not be able to imagine things and people change including feelings. I did not think that he could met more beautiful girls than me in a big city. I don’t know why he still gives me butterflies in my stomach after all the long years we didn’t had communication. there’s me again, foolishly hoping and flattering herself unreasonbly. I think I should just stop the thoughts of him here. I’ll do my best not to look for him and just focus on my studies like before. but infairness, how can he still give me that effect? he’s even younger than me by 2 years. (sigh) Therefore, starting tomorrow, I will do priorities first. One at a time. Slowly with my own pace. 

Also, I’m happy hanging out with my friends today and with my neighbors. I had a lot of fun with them and I am thankful for their heartwarming kindness to me. 

[mnemyyy]

It’s Father’s day today and I greeted my papa and he hugged me. I’m happy because it was the first time I hugged him like that at my age and heard him say that I am his favorite son. hahaha, my father is indeed drunk, still, I love you pa. Tonight, I feel joy in my heart how I bonded with my mom and dad this father’s day. although we may not be able to celebrate big, I am happy about how my mom and dad tease each other and thinking of those lots of hugs and kisses. It’s enough for me. Honestly, I felt envious of the other families who go to restaurants, cook dishes, and celebrate but I hope Someday, we could also celebrate special days with my family. Still, I love my family and I couldn’t wish for more than their health and safety. 

#06/20/21

[mnemyyy]

Forgotten Love...

Well, I had to tell you something that’s bothering me. I still couldn’t believe that I had a childhood sweetheart. I wished for it like those in movies. I just realized that now I’m already 19. It was way back 2011 where I was still 8 years old. OMG! I really can’t believe it. Now he’s going to study here for a while and of course, I get excited and I don’t know why. Everyday, I wish to see him and wait for him to look at me again like old days. They said he fell in love with me at first sight and I fell eventually. I don’t know why I’m acting like an 8-year old girl. I really need to stop imagining, right? Well, I’m not going to assume anymore and just go with the flow.  We’re still young and we have a long way to go.

#rrma

[mnemyyy]

Well, I can still imagine that perfect moment with my mom and dad, where they are drinking beer together like teenage couple and arguing over little things. I was so happy watching them with my sister. We listen to their stories and talked about things. We imagined that in the future all of us will sit in one place, drinking together where me and my siblings are all professionals someday. I wish for that day to come.

#06.12.21

[mnemyyy]

It’s been days since the last time I share and there are so many moments that I need to write. Unforgettable ones. Well, I still remember how I was so scared at that moment thinking that I might get really drowned for the first time. But I was saved by my friend. He pushed me up and I finally breathe. You see many attempted to save us but only he did. I couldn’t imagine that He was always there when I need someone. He really cares. Where will I ever find a such a true friend like Him? He’s a gift to me and I love him and I couldn’t find the right words. 

#06/11/21

[mnemyyy]

True friend.

I just want to share that I can’t lose this friend. I feel loved and happy knowing that there is someone who can feel that something’s unusual with me and that I’m not okay deep inside without even telling him. He just know me that well that he knows that it was long time I last heard comforting words and that I need it. I’m so happy that I have someone who cares for me, who tells that I’m tired and thinks that my feelings matter. It’s very rare to have someone who really genuinely there in your down moments. I am so blessed to have him and I thank God for giving me such a friend. I promise to be there for him no matter what especially in his down moments. 

Always.

#06/18/21