misssagustd

[misssagustd]

Unreleased (6)

Your car rolls to a stop at the gate of Nine One Hannam. Briefly, you recall the first time Joon brought you to his apartment, how you asked him if his driver can go slowly so you can marvel at the houses and apartments on both sides of the road. Every corner you passed, he ticked off names of idols and actors that lived on that block, and with each one your eyes widened with awe. 

“Name of resident?” the security asks. “Kim Namjoon,” you say from the backseat. He looks at his tablet then presses a button to raise the barrier. The neighborhood is quiet at 2AM. You pass by the park overlooking the Hann River and the highways below, which triggers flashbacks of when both of you would hang out here with bottles of sojus and homemade tteokboki - his compromise for your nagging to go to a pojangmacha in the middle of the night. The car turns to a corner and his apartment’s facade looms right in front of you. “I’ll see you at home,” he said at the party earlier. And home it really feels like.

“You can go now. You don’t need to wait for me and you don’t need to pick me up tomorrow. I’ll just call you if I need to go somewhere,” you tell your driver as you get off the car. You have no problem finding which elevator goes up to his floor and punching the code that only residents know. As you wait for the elevator you suddenly regret letting your driver go home. Where the hell did you get the confidence that you’ll be spending the night in his apartment? From that make out session that was most probably fuelled by alcohol and bad decisions? The elevator doors slide open, stressing the point that it’s too late to call your driver back. Worse comes to worst, you’ll sleep at the lobby and leave before the other residents start their day.

There are only two units occupying the whole floor, and Joon’s is located on the west side. You stare at the keypad of the electronic lock, suddenly not sure if you should key in the old passcode that you know. 94-97-09. You try, anyway. There’s a click, and the lock chimes letting you know that the code is correct. The apartment looks and feels exactly the way you remember it. His shoes are all still neatly arranged in the hallway by the door, though you note that there’s now a painting hanging on the wall above them. Your hand traces the wall to turn on the main switch, which instantly lights up the living room and the other hallway leading to his bedroom. The centralized airconditioning begins to hum as you make your way to the kitchen to look for snacks you can eat while waiting for him to get home. 

Munching on the banana cupcakes you found in the fridge, you make your way to the living room and plop yourself on the sofa. You were about to reach for the remote control when you hear the keypad and the chime unlock. “Y/N?” he calls out from the hallway. He peeks his head and sees you on the sofa. “You’ve been here long? I got held up at the party just as I was leaving. I’m sorry.” He looks at the box of cupcakes on the center table then at you, so you stop mid-bite, making you spill crumbs all over your lap. “I was hungry,” you say, making more crumbs fall from your mouth. “Were you gonna give this to someone? Oh shit!” He lets out a laugh - the high-pitched one where his eyes are reduced to just slits and he throws his head back - so you know it’s okay that you ate the cupcakes and he finds you hilarious at the moment. “Do you want wine to go with that? Whiskey?” You shake your head so he stops midway to the kitchen. “I’ve had enough alcohol already,” you say. He walks over to join you on the sofa instead. Silence suddenly falls between you and you start fidgeting on a loose thread on the hem of your top. 

“Joon…” you start off tentatively. When he just looks at you waiting for you to go on, you take a deep breath and finally get the words off your chest, the ones you’ve been meaning to tell him all these years but just couldn’t get the courage to do so. 

“I’m sorry. Really, that’s all I can say after what I did because - because that’s really how I feel. But just because I was in the wrong, doesn’t mean I didn’t suffer the consequences of my mistake.” You couldn’t bring yourself to look at him, so you focus on the box of banana cupcakes in front of you. “There wasn’t a day I didn’t think of you, didn’t look you up on social media and news just to see your face. There wasn’t a night I didn’t think of you before I slept, hoping that you’re doing far better than me. Because you don’t deserve to be hurt.” 

Tears started welling up in your eyes. “I wanted so bad to chase you down for forgiveness and beg to get back together. But after some time, I realized, it’s not easy to forgive what I did. It’s not that I gave up or didn’t love you anymore or started dating the other guy - no. That’s why I left. It was so hard for me to do, but I have no reason to be here anymore. So since then… since then, all I ever prayed for was that you can forgive me someday. You don’t have to tell me. It doesn’t have to be now. Or in a few months. Just… in your heart, you know you’ve forgiven me. That’s good enough for me.” 

You wipe your tears with the back of your hand. “I love you,” your voice cracks and you just completely lose it. You finally bring yourself to look at him and you see that he’s crying, too. 

“Y/N…” He reaches for your hand and squeezes it. 

“I love you, Namjoon. Doesn’t matter if you don’t believe me. Just let me say it now because I never had the chance to before I left.” 

Joon gets up and goes to the kitchen to get you a glass of water because you’ve  been reduced to a sobbing mess in his living room. After you gulp half the contents in one go, he takes you into his arms and shushes you to calm you down. He rubs your back with his hand and gently rocks you back and forth. “Y/N…stop. Stop blaming yourself for everything. I am to blame, too.” You wriggle out of his grasp to look at him like he just said he wanted to retire already. 

“I thought about what you said, too, you know. Like, what made you do it. At that time you did sound selfish. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that in a way, I understood why you did it. I…I’m not perfect. In spite of who I am, what I do for a living, what I can give you…I know I lack A LOT in other things.” He pauses to look at you. “I understood you, but it still doesn’t justify what you did. Because…I wish you had told me. Didn’t we say that if there’s a problem, we’d always talk it out? If we feel something’s wrong, we’d tell each other, right? I guess that’s what hurt me, too. I don’t understand why you chose to bottle everything up and just…” His voice trails off and he makes an exploding motion with his hands. 

“But I love you more than you hurt me. The four years we were together, you always put me first. My work, my schedule, my restrictions - you made your decisions around me. It even came to a point that the guys were jealous of me because how did I get a girlfriend who rarely threw tantrums when her boyfriend bails out on their date because of a music video shoot?” You had to laugh at this because you do remember Hobi telling you the exact same words when his girlfriend, Irene, broke up with him for what seemed like the 498th time in a month. 

He takes you into his arms again and kisses you on the forehead. “You sacrificed so much for me,” his voice suddenly drops to a gentle whisper. “And I have forgiven you. You know why the passcode hasn’t changed? Because there’s that part of me that still wishes you’d come back. Or that if you need a place to go to, you can always go here. This will always be your home.” He cups your face in his hands and kisses you on the lips. “I will always be your home.”

[misssagustd]

Unreleased (5)

You see familiar faces at the after-party because Yoongi had introduced you to them back when you were still living in Seoul. Some of them also knew you and Joon dated, so naturally they were curious if you’ve met up with him already. “Yeah, we did. He’s busy, so it was just a quick hi-hello-what’s up,” you tell them for the sake of indulging their curiosity. Since Yoongi couldn’t stay long, JK took over the emcee-ing and sometimes DJ-ing with Yi Jeong. He had guests cracking up when he caught Yoongi exiting and shouted “YOONGI!!!!” 

The vibe of the party changed from rave to chill. The guests were now in small groups with a few drifting from one to another, and one of them was Joon. You watch him from across the room giving high-five’s to those he knew and a small bow or handshake to those he just met. You wonder if you can even manage a “hi” to him, given that he’s being his social butterfly self tonight. Your eyes scan the room for Yi Jeong or JK, hoping to say goodbye and thank you for the invitation, but they met Joon’s instead. He raises his eyebrows and his right hand does a small wave, which you knew too well as the code for “Wait for me.” You shift your eyes to the balcony then back to him, and he nods in understanding. You can’t deny the little satisfaction in the fact that your body language for each other still works. 

The sliding door to the balcony opens and Joon comes in, two drinks in hand. He offers you the gin and tonic. “Have you seen JK or Yi Jeong? I wanted to say thanks before leaving,” you say as you take the drink from his hand. “You’re leaving already? Good thing I caught you then.” He takes a seat beside you on the couch. “Listen, Y/N, I’m really sorry for what happened back there at my studio. I.. I.. It didn’t go as I thought it would,” he said with a sheepish smile. “Why? How did you imagine it would go?” you ask. “You know what? Nothing. I was waiting there for you at the lobby and my mind was absolutely blank.” 

You laugh at the idea that Kim Namjoon actually admitted to not have anything prepared. “You? Blank? Okay, that’s new.” You roll your eyes and laugh. “You know you’re the only who can do that to me,” Joon says softly. You shift in your seat just as he slings his left arm on the couch’s backrest. “Can we start over? I don’t want to mess up this time. Please?” He looks at you hopefully. Now that you’re looking at him with less post-breakup angst you realize that you really miss his company. How many times did you come home from work so stressed out that you almost caved into calling him just so you have someone to vent to? Joon listened to and understood you more than any of your friends - even more than Yoongi - so him not being there for you to save you from your mental breakdowns was really difficult. 

The conversation flows easily from what you’ve been up to since you left Korea, to him working on Indigo, to how Yoongi managed to drag your ass to Korea, to asking each other how your families have been. “Eun-Ji is in London right now for an exchange program that her university offered,” he says when you ask about his sister. “I was planning on visiting her for a few weeks but I don’t know…I’m kinda running out of time all of a sudden.” You stay quiet for a while, debating with yourself if you should bring up his looming enlistment. “I know what you’re thinking,” he laughs. “Yeah…that, and the album I’m releasing before I go.” 

The alcohol starts to kick and Joon notices this so he puts your glass away from your reach. “I’m not done yet!” you protest. “Stop it, you’re drunk. Stay here, I’ll get you a soda.” You slouch back and give him a pout. “Okay, that’s not gonna work until I’m your boyfriend again,” he winks and laughs playfully when he sees the expression on your face. 

He comes back with a can of Coke and glass with ice. “Apparently, JK’s gone home and I can’t find Yi Jeong anywhere. You can just text them.” Joon looks at you while pouring the Coke to the glass. “Do you need a ride back to your hotel? I can drive you,” he volunteers. You remember the driver was just waiting for your go signal to pick you up. “Oh no, it’s okay. Yoongi hired a driver for me. I can just text him to come pick me up here.” Joon suddenly leans towards you and plants a soft kiss near the corner of your lips. “I missed you, Y/N. I thought I’d never see you again.”

It felt like the earth dropped from your feet and everything around you started spinning and you’re 100% sure it was not because of the alcohol. The way his lips felt on your cheeks, his familiar scent, the way his body leaned against you naturally - you’ve been craving this and now that you’re feeling it again, all the hurt, hesitation, and bitterness have been thrown out the window. “I’m sorry, I just -” he says, but you cut him off with a kiss straight to his lips. You feel his body tense, most probably because he was not expecting that from you. But fuck it, you think. It feels like your first kiss all over again - unsure but natural at the same time. 

Joon pulls back to take a good look at you and brush the hair away from your face. He’s waiting for you to say something, anything, but words fail you already. Instead, you wrap your arms around his neck to bring him closer and you kiss him again, deeper this time. He, in turn, puts his hands on your waist and gently guides you to lean further back into the couch. The tip of his tongue lightly grazes your lower lip, and you open your mouth further so it slips effortlessly in. He sucks your lower lip before moving to the back of your left ear, then down to the crook of your neck, his lips never leaving your skin. Just as his hands started moving underneath your top, a crash followed by loud laughter from the party jolts both of you back to reality. You both open your eyes at the same time and laugh upon seeing the compromising position you were in. He gets off you and downs the remainder of your gin and tonic. Beads of sweat have formed on his forehead and temple. Out of instinct you wipe it off with your hand. 

“You should probably be calling your driver now,” Joon says. “Hmmm-hmm,” you say as you reach for your purse. “You still know my address, right?”, he suddenly asks, making you freeze mid-way into getting your phone. “Uhm, yes? Why’d you ask?” He hesitates for a bit. “Then tell him to drop you off there.” He stands up and walks towards the sliding door. You’re not quite sure if you heard him right, but there’s something about his commanding tone that’s just… hot. The look on your face must have been enough to tell him how confused you were, because he walks back to you and leans down to level with your face. “I’ll see you at home.”

[misssagustd]

Unreleased (4)

"The fuck happened?" You haven't even left the building yet but Yoongi's been calling you nonstop. "You went to his studio? Are you out of your fucking mind? Why did you do that?" "Because he asked me to!!" you screamed into your phone. Yoongi was too stunned to speak. "He what?" You stop at the first bench you see to calm your nerves. "He called me the other day, on my way home from our dinner. He said he can't believe I'm in Korea and asked how long was I staying. He asked if I didn't have plans today can I come over? So..." Your voice trails off, and Yoongi understands that it was at this point that you let your love for Joon take over your rational thinking so off you went to his studio. He sighs. "Do you need me?" You close your eyes. You want to run as far away as possible from HYBE, from anyone that's BTS. "No," you say. "I want to be alone."

Back in HYBE, Yoongi walks over to Joon's studio and presses the buzzer. Once. Twice. Thrice. He was about to leave after the third try when the door opens. Yoongi gives Joon an exasperated look. "Why did you have to do that?" Joon shakes his head. "I didn't mean for it to be this way, hyung. Honestly, I didn't have plans for how to go about it. Up to the last minute I was waiting for her in the lobby I kept thinking how to approach her. The last time we spoke to each other I was too harsh, so I thought I'd try to show her this time I'm no longer mad at her. I didn't know she'd take it the wrong way. I'm really sorry." 

Yoongi knew Joon well enough to know when he was truly sorry, and this was one of those times. It was Yoongi's turn to shake his head. He'll give it to Joon to be the brains of BTS, but he really needs help in handling matters that involve the heart. "I'll be in my studio if you need me."

"Hyung, didn't we both like her before? Why didn't you shoot your shot when we broke up?" Joon was on his fifth bottle of soju and was already slurring his words. "Shut up, Namjoon," Yoongi retorted. It was something Yoongi already buried at the back of his mind. What Joon said was true, but he valued their friendship - no, their brotherhood - so much that he stepped back, under the pretense that he "realized she's not my type." "She's hurting now - I hurt her. Why aren't you with her?" Joon presses on. It takes all of Yoongi's strength not to hit Joon with the soju bottle he was holding. He wasn't even supposed to be drinking; he has a concert tomorrow. "Because she said she wanted to be alone. Of course, I'm bothered that she's not okay. But I'm respecting her space," Yoongi said. 

Joon nods and takes another sip from his glass. "Do you think we'd ever get back together, hyung?" he asks. "If you get your shit together, yes," Yoongi says in a heartbeat. "You're getting her all wrong, Joon. It's like you didn't spend four years of your life with her. Do you think she's gotten over you, and what she did, that easily?  You think she didn't miss you and think of you every single day for the past three years?" Yoongi exhales loudly. "Then how can I start over again? I just gave her another reason to stay away," Joon says sadly. Yoongi looks at him with the pity and annoyance of an older brother to his younger brother. "I'll talk to her."

It's the first day of Yoongi's "The Final". You woke up to your phone vibrating incessantly. The caller ID read "Yoongs", so you pick up after what seemed like his 35th call. "Shibal, you're alive," Yoongi says. "Fuck you, too. What do you want? It's - " You look at the clock on your phone. "It's 7 fucking AM." You roll over to your back. "I'm already actually late for a meeting with my team. But that's not the point. I have an extra QR ticket for tonight because one of my cousins couldn't make it. You have plans tonight? JK's my guest, he's gonna do Seven." His offer didn't sound bad at all. "Hmmm, sure." "You don't sound so excited," Yoongi says. "I have a hangover, Yoongi. But I'm in my right mind enough to understand that I'll be watching your concert tonight. Send me the QR later." "Y/N!" Yoongi says before you end the call. "Yeah?" Yoongi hesitated for a bit, as if unsure if he should be saying something or not. "I was with Joon last night, he wanted to drink. I'm seeing post-breakup Namjoon all over again, Y/N. He was in such a long slump after you broke up that our manager had to drag him out of bed just to get him to the studio or go to our shoots." He pauses for a few seconds. "What I'm trying to say is, I just don't want him to go back to that dark phase. I don't know how he went through it, exactly, but I'm really happy the Namjoon we know is back. He needs to be in his right mind now that we're doing solos. The seven of us aren't always together physically anymore, we can't watch out for him all the time. I'm not asking you to get back together. I just want you to give him a chance," Yoongi finishes breathlessly. Damn that tongue technology. "I have to go, my manager's here. See you tonight."

In the shower, you think about what Yoongi said. He knows you well enough to understand that you were hurt by what happened yesterday, but also shows how much he loves Joon by asking you to do the least you can do - which is to try talking to him again. Yoongi never fails to knock some sense into your head. The question left for you now is - how do you talk to Joon?

To say that "The Final-Day 1" was a success was an understatement. ARMY went wild when JK showed up on stage for Burn It and Seven. Seeing JK up there doing his own thing made your heart swell with pride. When you met him years back, his wide-eyed innocence really got you. It's like you wanted to protect him from everything that will hurt him. Now, he's a grown-ass 26-year-old muscle bunny who can probably take down anyone who dares lay his eyes on you. 

Security escorts you backstage after the concert. You stay in the holding area until one of the assistants fetches you and leads you to the green room, where Yoongi, Yi Jeong (El Capitan to ARMY), and the band were hanging out. "Y/N!!! You made it!" You hug him tightly. "Congratulations, Yoongi! I'm so, so, so proud of you!" You choke on your words as you start to cry. Yoongi pulls back and looks at you. "Yah! Don't cry! There are two more days left!" You laugh as you wipe away your tears. "This is the ARMY in me crying!" Yoongi laughs, too. "Come on, Yi Jeong's hosting a private after-party. I can't stay long 'coz I have to rest. But you'll be in good hands. Also," his voice drops in a whisper. "Joon will be there."

[misssagustd]

Unreleased (3)

HYBE security waves you in after you sign the guest log. Out of habit, you head straight to the turnstile to swipe your card pass, only to realize that of course, you don't have it anymore.

Joon was waiting for you by the couches near the elevator. He wasn't on his phone or flipping through one of the magazines on the table. He was just staring ahead at the floor-to-ceiling window at the other end of the hallway, absent-mindedly cracking his knuckles. Obviously, he hasn't noticed your arrival. You take a deep breath and call him out. "Hey, Joon." His eyes shift towards the direction where your voice came from. He looks at you and a small smile plays on the corner of his lips, his dimple slightly denting his right cheek. He stands up, and you resist the urge to give him a running hug. You suddenly want nothing else but to bury your face in his chest and feel his arms around you. "Y/N. Wow. Uh, wow. You're really - you're really here." You've forgotten how cute he is when he stutters.

Now that you've gotten a full view of him, you noticed that like Jimin, he has bulked up, highlighted by the buzz cut he's sporting. He runs a hand through his short hair and smiles sheepishly when he sees your wide, questioning eyes. "No, no... nothing to do with enlistment. Not soon, anyway. It's hot, and my hair's just giving me a hard time." Is this the "mess" of a Namjoon that Jimin and Yoongi were talking about the other day? Because you see no mess. He looks...fine. It's the same Joon you woke up with and spent the day with for a good four years of your life.

But the minute you enter rkive, you see the mess. Sheets of papers were scattered on the console, on the floor, and some on the couch. It seems that he was eating before he met you on the ground floor. There's a half-finished sandwich and a can of Sprite beside it. He puts aside two pillows to give you space to sit on the couch. You settle on the familiar softness of the cushion. It still fits your frame the way it did when you slept there while Joon was working his ass off Indigo. When it was time to eat or go home, he'd rub the tip of his nose on yours to wake you up, and you'd open your eyes to his dimpled smile lovingly gazing down at you.

Joon pulls his desk chair towards the couch so he's sitting right across you. "You left without telling me," were the first words he said. But his tone was soft rather than sounding like he wants to pick a fight. "I'm sorryyyy..." you roll the last syllable because your mind was racing thinking of what to say next. You were still gauging his mood based on his stance, which seems quite relaxed considering how things went down three years ago. At some point, you felt more tense than you were supposed to. "I just knew you were in the middle of promotions and other things. And I had to get out before the travel lockdown," you recall. Come to think of it, 2020 was a chaotic year for the whole world.

"You could've at least texted me. Or left a voice message. Even before your plane took off." Again, his tone was soft. You were not prepared for this softness because this was not the last image of Joon in your head. "I know. I'm really sorry," was all you could say. He shifts in his seat so he's leaning forward, elbows on his knees. You avoid making eye contact but you can feel he's looking at you intently. "How are you, Y/N?" Then he reaches for your hand and holds it. You stare at both of your hands on your lap, tears springing from your eyes. You suddenly feel all the bottled-up emotions from the past three years coming to the surface. Does he have any idea of the hell you went through? The nights you cried yourself to sleep? The guilt you have to live with for the rest of your life? How dare he hold your hand like the past three years were nothing?!

You jerk his hand away and give the most hurtful look you could muster. This startles him so he rolls his chair further back to his console. He sees your tears and a look of worry washes over his face. "Y/N. Y/N. Oh god, you're crying. I'm sorry, I don't know how to go through with this. I - I - oh god this is going all wrong." He's no longer cute when he's stuttering.

Your sobs have spiraled out of control to full-blown crying. You wanted to do so many things at once - get up and leave, stop crying, hurl the nearest hard object at him - but you remain frozen on the couch bawling your eyes out. He tentatively puts a box of tissue on the table in front of you, together with a bottle of room temp water. You open the bottle and take a long sip. Once you felt that you've gathered enough wits, you stand up and head for the door but turn around to face him before opening it.

"How can you act as if the past three years have been nothing? Oh, I get it. I'm the only one who's supposed to suffer because I was the one who cheated. I was the one who wronged you and will bear the guilt for the rest of my life. So, how has it been for you, huh? You seem fine! Otherwise, you wouldn't be this relaxed and soft and calm! I guess you've moved on, huh? OF COURSE, YOU HAVE! It's always the dumper who gets the upper hand, anyway. Well just for you to know, Kim Namjoon, I HAVEN'T! I'm still stuck in that memory of you telling me to get the hell out of your apartment! Do you know why I never told you I was leaving for good? Because I know you wouldn't care! What difference will it make? Will you storm through the gates of Incheon to stop me? I know you won't! You wouldn't let a normal girl like me ruin the image of a perfect idol like you."

Okay. That last sentence was not necessary. You know that would sting Joon the most. But you blurted it out already and Joon is a firm believer of what's done is done. There's no point in retracting your words. And sting, they did. By the time you finished your outburst, Joon winced and slumped back in his chair. He opened his mouth to say something but you stopped him before he could get them out. "It was a bad decision for me to come over. I honestly thought it was gonna be awkward for both of us. I did not expect you to act this way. AT ALL." You storm out of his studio, and down the hall to the elevator. Yoongi was just stepping out of it but before he can even say hello, you've already punched the button for the ground floor and the doors slid close.

[misssagustd]

Unreleased (2)

"Noona, I had concerts in three countries in Asia and you never went to one of them. I told you just email me and I'll send you the QR tickets." Yoongi would not let you off the hook for ditching his offer to watch one of his shows. He's now pulling the noona-dongsaeng card to get you to watch one of the Korea legs of his tour. "Come to the last day! The final final!" This got you confused as fuck. "The last final final?! Jesus Christ, Yoongi, get the name of your tour right." You can tell he was laughing silently by the short gasps of air he was taking. "The announced dates are just two - June 24 and 25. But the other three I'll announce on the 25th. Surprise!" You roll your eyes at his humor. "Noona, you said I'm your bias even if you dated Namjoon! Come on, I promise it will be worth the flight to Korea. Don't you miss us?! The maknaes do - more than Joon!" This concert means so much to your bestest friend in the world, so how can you say no? One of the things you feared you'd lose when you and Joon broke up was your friendship with Yoongi. After all, they've been literally together more than half their lives. Thankfully, Yoongi was the kind of person who can balance friendships no matter how complicated they seemed.

You left Korea a month after you broke up with Joon. Yoongi and the rest of the guys kept in touch, but they were careful not to mention Joon or any of his whereabouts. Yoongi did say that Joon had a complete signed set of his album, Indigo, ready for you, but they were now stuck in Genius Lab because Joon didn't know you'd left for good. "Get your albums when you come here. There's a vinyl, too. The white boxes look so out of place in my studio," he complained. "So when is the final final final?" you ask. "August 6! But stay longer after the concert. I don't have much time to go out between June and August. Hyung's getting married and I've other stuff planned. We miss you, stay with us a bit longer." Hearing Yoongi say that suddenly made you miss them all, too. "Hmmmkay. How about August 1 to 10? Or 12? Two weeks should be enough! I might not have a job waiting for me when I get back." Yoongi was so happy, you can imagine him happy-dancing all over his studio. "See you, noona!!! I'll get the team to send you the QR ticket for August 6. Wooohhhoooo!!!"

It's been three years. Everything felt familiar, yet also new. You were surprised you still knew how to navigate your way around Incheon's arrival area, and even more surprised that you can still carry a decent conversation in Korean with someone who's not Yoongi. Normally you would've just taken the shuttle bus or taxi to your hotel, but Yoongi sent a car for you, which was already waiting at the exit bay. You drive through familiar buildings, streets, malls, and restaurants. On the flight here you were expecting to be flooded by unpleasant memories, but they seemed distant and nonexistent as Korea's rush hour welcomed you back.

Your phone rings. It's Yoongi video-calling you from his studio. "Are you here already?" He asks as he lowers the volume of the music. He was obviously working on something. "Yeah, maybe 15 more minutes to the hotel." He looks at the clock on his desk. "Cool. Jimin's coming off from rehearsal in an hour. You up for dinner with us?" Honestly, you just wanted to sleep because your supposed to be early-morning flight from Manila was pushed back to the afternoon, but dinner sounds good, too. "Your treat?" Yoongi scrunches his nose at your question. "I know you'll say yes if I say yes, so yes."

After checking in and unpacking some of the clothes you brought, you realize you have time to spare so you take a quick shower before heading out to dinner. Yoongi already texted you the name of the restaurant, and the same car that fetched you from the airport will bring you there. Apparently, he hired it for your entire stay here. "So I wouldn't have to think how you'll get back to your hotel in case I can't drive you," he said.

When you got to the restaurant Yoongi and Jimin were already there. You've video-called Yoongi frequently over the years so you already knew what he looks like, but seeing Jimin's built for the first time took you by surprise. "Jimin-ah!!! You've been working out!" He looks up from his phone and gives his signature eye-smile laugh. "Yaaaaaah! So good to see you again, Y/N!" He stands up and gives you a tight hug. "We thought you forgot about us already. Good thing Yoongi-hyung has these concerts otherwise we'd have to find a reason to go to you to Manila." Yoongi motions to the empty seat beside Jimin. "Are we waiting for someone else?" you ask as you take a seat. You catch Yoongi and Jimin exchanging a quick uncomfortable look with each other, then Yoongi looks at you. "Nope, just the three of us."

You catch up mostly with Jimin and how he's been doing since his Billboard feat. Yoongi was silent most of the time that you and Jimin were talking, but you notice him glancing anxiously at his phone several times. "Yoongi, you okay? Are you waiting for someone?" He looks at Jimin again, then the latter shakes his head as if to say, "Give it up, hyung." Yoongi sighs and leans back in his seat. "We asked Joon if he could come and join us - just me and Jimin. But Tae slipped in our group chat that you arrived today, so..." Jimin sighs. "So he hasn't been replying to us for the past two hours." He continues after taking a swig of his beer. "We just thought it was a good idea for him to see you again. He was a mess after your breakup. Wouldn't leave the studio, wouldn't go out with us. It's like he was on auto-pilot, only smiled and talked and socialized when needed at work." "Otherwise, he's dead," Yoongi added.

You wanted to hit Yoongi and Jimin on the head. Of course, Joon would back out the minute he knew you were joining them for dinner. It was not a "good idea" at all to set him up like that with his ex after not seeing her for three years. But you say nothing and just shake your head. "Don't bug him. If he doesn't want to see me, it's okay. He's not what I'm here for, anyway, right?" You raise your glass for a toast and smile widely at Yoongi.

On the ride back to the hotel, you think about how Jimin and Yoongi described Joon post-breakup. This is the first time they've talked about Joon openly - mostly it's about his album or upcoming projects. You can't imagine Joon being a mess because, between you, he's always the composed one. He isn't easily fazed by chaos and would still manage to have time to hear out your problems even if he's got a million things running in his head already. You admired this about him, but he said he only became like that because he was exposed to pressure at a very young age.

Your phone buzzes and a familiar number flashes on the screen. You blink once, twice. The call was about to end when you slide the green icon to accept it.

"Hey." There's no mistaking that deep voice, almost talking in a whisper. "Are you really here?"

[misssagustd]

Unreleased (1)

When you close your eyes the memory of that day is crystal clear. The shouting. The accusations. The hurtful words you hurled at each other thoughtlessly. Next thing you both know, your luggage was by the door. Him in the living room busy on his laptop, not even sparing you a glance as the door to his apartment opens and shuts. But you do look at him - the man you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. The man you lost.

It's not like you didn't try to work things out. Joon, being the calm, rational thinker that he's always been, one day called you to come over to his place to talk. To you, even if every fiber of your being wanted to be with him, the breakup was justified. What woman in her right mind would cheat on him? Joon had every right in the world to be mad at you.

"I just want to know...why. What did I do too much? Or didn't do at all? What made you unhappy? What..." his voice hitches. He looks down at his hands, fingers fidgeting as he tries to get a grip on himself. You look at the ceiling and close your eyes, wishing you didn't have to go through this at all. Wasn't it enough for him that you weren't chasing him down for his forgiveness? You stayed away from him - changed your number, moved out of Seoul, and blocked every common friend you have on social media.

"You never said why. Out of all the things we said that day, you never said WHY," his frustration emphasized on the last word.

"Joon, I told you, it was a one-time thing and -" "No, it wasn't!" his low, booming voice echoes throughout his apartment. "You said - you said - you've gone out a couple of times before you slept with him. Maybe somewhere in the grand scheme of things I should be thankful that you came out clean to me instead of me finding out from other people, but I don't want to go there yet. Right now, the only question I want to ask is WHY."

If you were going to be completely honest, you can tell him why. But the problem is, the reason was stupid. So stupid, that it would tear Joon apart.

"He's normal." You finally say. Now that you got it out of your system, it seemed that the words won't stop flowing. "I got to do normal stuff with him. We watched movies and ate at restaurants without having to lock the whole place down for ourselves. We went strolling in Myeongdong and no one took videos and pictures of us together. We went to Everland -"

Joon lost it at the mention of Everland. Back when you started dating, you told him that you wanted to celebrate your birthdays (which were just days apart) in Everland. You finally did after two years of dating, but you never got to enjoy it because people started recognizing him when his hoodie was blown over by the wind. Some girls started approaching with cameras aimed at him, while some started shouting "RM! It's RM! BTS!" When more people started gathering around, security had to whisk you both all the way to the private exit and into the waiting van. All that chaos in under two hours. So much for celebrating your birthdays. Joon apologized profusely when you got home, but you assured him it was okay. However, deep inside, he knew it was an incident that would leave a scar on your relationship.

"You know who I am when we met, what I do for a living. All the rules and shit surrounding me. You know what you signed up for, Y/N!!" "I know, Joon. And I love you. Otherwise, we wouldn't have made it to four years. It's just that..." Your voice trails off. You can feel the tears coming. "It's just that what?" "It's just that I realized there's this huge gap I've been trying to fill by simply accepting and being satisfied with the limited things we can do as a couple. I know you can take me to Paris or Switzerland or Spain at this instant if I wanted to, but that's not what I want. I'm a normal girl, Joon. I'm not from your world. I just want simple things."

Joon was quiet for a few minutes, trying to process your reasoning and thinking if it was enough to justify your cheating. You, on the other hand, were feeling guilty over the relief you felt when you got those feelings out. Everything about this situation was unfair to him.

"Do you love him? Are you in love with him?" Joon finally breaks the silence between you. "Now that you've had a taste of the 'normal' you've been looking for, would you rather have that than what we have?" "No. And I won't go running to him because we've broken up." You say this with conviction because you are 100% sure of how you feel. "It was a stupid mistake and I'm paying for it!" You finally break down. "I did experience the ordinary things I wanted to do with you, but everything reminded me of you. I kept on thinking how much you'd enjoy this, how much I'd rather be there with you than him. At the end of the day, it's still you I want to be with. I love you." You say the last words almost quietly, laced with guilt and resentment.

"You wouldn't cheat on me if you did." He stood up, put on the jacket that was hanging on the couch, and put his phone in his pocket. "I'm giving you until tonight to pack the rest of your stuff that's left here. I'll spend the night in my studio. I want you gone in the morning."

[misssagustd]

Fire Exit in 5 - 3

You wrap your arms around Yoongi's neck so he leans in further to kiss your lips. Thanks to the stilettos' height advantage, he has no trouble pulling back from the kiss to snake his way to the crook of your neck. "God you smell so good", he half-whispers, half-growls into your ears. Yoongi knew he found the sweet spot behind your left ear when you bucked and suddenly tightened your grip on him.

A sudden rush of air hits your thighs as he lifts your dress up to your waist. He takes a half-step back to admire the view. You are, after all, wearing his favorite black lace thong. The bulge on the front of his pants looks like his cock is begging to be set free. You reach for it but he swats your hand away. "Nah-uh. Not until I have my dessert." He hooks his two index fingers onto the barely-there garter of your thongs and yanks it down, letting the fabric fall helplessly to your feet. 

You instinctively open your legs a little wider, which Yoongi takes as his cue to start trailing hungry kisses from your neck to your breasts, where he stops to suck your nipples that are already hard from the over-stimulation. As he does, you slip the straps of your dress off your shoulders so it also falls on the floor. 

"You have no idea how much I want to fuck you right now," Yoongi again half-growls as he plays with your breasts in his hands.

"Then fuck me, Yoongi, plea- aaaahhhh!!" It took all of what's left of your wits not to scream because the next thing you feel is his tongue tracing 8s on your clit. Having no sheets to hold on to, you grab his hair instead. You grind your hips to match the rhythm of his tongue, which illicits a moan from Yoongi. The vibration from his throat almost throws you into climax, but Yoongi sensed this and dug his fingers on your thighs to take you back to your senses. He stands up and kisses you hungrily, his tongue dancing with yours as you taste your juice on his mouth. Your hips start to grind against his completely hard cock, while your pussy aches for it to be inside you already.

[misssagustd]

Fire Exit in 5 - 2

You mumble a quick goodbye to his cousin, who waves you off with a buss on your cheek. What Yoongi wants, Yoongi gets and you know better not to delay.

The way to the exit at the far back of the reception hall felt like a maze as you weaved through relatives, friends, colleagues, and even waiters offering you cocktails from a tray. Finally, you reach the almost empty hallway where one of his bodyguards gives you a quick nod of recognition.

You don't know why you're nervous - this isn't the first time you've fucked. But as the door to the fire exit looms, you realize it's because this is the first time you're doing it - whatever this rendezvous ends up in - in public. Yoongi has always been careful about your relationship, so this side of him tonight really took you by surprise.

You were beginning to doubt if he was even at the other side of the door when you notice it's already ajar. Taking a deep breath you pushed the door further open to be greeted by a Yoongi decked in head-to-toe Valentino, leaning casually on the railing with cigarette in hand. He flicks it to the ground when he sees you then, without a word, pulls you to him with his left hand while the right closes the door with a rather loud click.

"Yoongi!!!", you exclaim breathlessly. "Someone might -" He goes straight for your lips, cutting you off mid-sentence. "What are my bodyguards for?", he says with that smirk that makes you visibly melt. Yoongi does not miss this and uses the opportunity to pin you against the wall. He cages you with both his hands, his face centimeters away from yours. The mix of whiskey and cigarette in his breath was more than enough to send your senses into overdrive. 

Yoongi's index finger traces your jaw down to where the V of your dress ends. You let out a small whimper at the touch of his finger, and you feel your breath quicken as it went lower. Yoongi likes this, so he presses his body closer to you. "I've been thinking about this all night", he whispers, "and all the things I want to do to you here."

#fireexitin5

[misssagustd]

Fire Exit in 5 - 1

You drift away from Yoongi as more and more guests gather around the newly-wed's family. Some approach the couple, take pictures, while some shake hands with their parents.

You were sharing a recent overseas trip with one of Yoongi's cousins when you suddenly feel like you were being observed. A quick glance to your right and left, but all you see are guests mingling with each other. As you turn your attention back to his cousin, a pair of eyes catches your attention. 

He was bent over a chair, seemingly talking to someone, but his gaze never dropped yours. He subtly raises an eyebrow, and oh so slowly, his eyes move down to your neck then settles at the deep V of your little black dress. He tilts his head a little to the right to admire your exposed legs, down to your ankles framed perfectly by the stilletos you've chosen to wear. He plays with his tongue a little bit - that thing he does which makes you wet and insane.

Yoongi's eyes shift back to yours. He takes out his phone from his pocket, types something really quick, then puts it back. One of the guests clap him on his shoulder which startles him. Meanwhile, the vibration of your phone in your pouch snaps you back to reality. You look at the screen. There's a short message from Yoongi:

"Fire exit in 5".

#fireexitin5