missdazednconfused

[missdazednconfused]

Life is grand!

Okay, well let's say today I feel like a damn gem today. So far it's a wonderful day and I'm feeling good about it. I even got my arm poked to get blood from me to yet again (third time) for confirmation that I am actually baring my husband's child in my body. And damn it hurts that they had to pull blood for me but I felt that I took it like a champ. Probably not something to be proud of because the shit these addicts go through. That was probably something I should say.

Anyways, it could honestly be the alone time I'm having by myself in the car and listening to music that fills my soul. I also have been up for hours and got my shower, did my make up, and dressed decently cute. It's the little things, I guess. I wish there were more days like this for me. This morning has me feeling empowered with me wanting to be more ultimate and have the power within me to take care of everything in my life without a damn struggle and no ficks given to people that don't mean shit.

I've been feeling really lit up with some bitch who talks mad....crap about everything and anything. Then wants to play all sweet and innocent and as she's a damn victim. She starts drama between my husband and me. I'll believe that he's doing something bad and turns it into some major dilemma. It makes me angry and makes me shook. I've been feeling so many ways about it. Last week I got so shook. Angry shook because this girl did something pretty harmless of asking my husband for something. Which makes me utterly disturbed and angry. In the very beginning she was always bitching about him and he spent hundreds of dollars on her when it came to food and her expected Child. I am not exaggerating about the hundreds on someone who is best friends with HER guy. Well WAS best friends. Regardless. It has me furious with how selfish and ungrateful she is. I want no part of it. So im trying to do what I should do best as a classy adult instead of being a brat. Ignoring her shit and be done with it. Because to me, she is nothing but toxic. I simply have no time for it and there is no reason why I should pay mind and spend my emotions and heart on something/ someone meaningless to me.

[missdazednconfused]

Not sure how i ever get so tired before bed when these meds get me sleepy for like an hour and then im tossing and turning all night long. I see the doctor tomorrow and looking forward to expressing these things. I dont like being on meds. Its pretty damn shitty but this one isn't so bad, I guess. Im just tired and can't really enjoy certain parts of my life. So whatever, I guess. Im an affectionate person and would like to have that desire in my life.

Originally, I wanted to write in my journal but....my hand is tired from writing a letter to my fiance so...anyways....

Well my dad is legit dying. He seems to be quite happy about it and im just so confused. Like I care but I dont care. Hes the same selfish person as hes always been. He has no plans for my mom when he's the one who's always cared for her. Im literally shocked that its him dying first but I should've seen it coming. He's a heavy smoker that smoked like a damn chimney and put everything and anything in a cigarette. He would use anything he could find or use to make a cigarette. Its really crazy to me that he's dying. He has maybe a few weeks left. That's their estimated time and im assuming soon since he's not eating and only taking medicine with soda. I feel bad for my mom because...this man is her "best friend" and she's watching him die and it hurts her heart. She's hurting and im what she has left to keep the pieces together. Im just pretty shocked that this is all happening. I took pictures of him when I went over last and i keep having to look back to see that. Holy shit, hes really dying. He doesnt seem to be unhappy about it. He seems relieved of it, honestly. Its pretty sad but hey, some people just want to die i guess.

Its just unreal its happening.

[missdazednconfused]

Marilyn Monroe and Arthur Miller photographed by Sam Shaw, 1957.

[missdazednconfused]

Long time no talk. Its been a damn long time because I forgot about this app...maybe it hasn't been long. I've been writing a lot more in my journal. I've been feeling sadness in my heart. My soul has been feeling heavy. Lately I've been even more heavy than normal. Everything is so up and down.

Some days I feel great and other days I feel like shit. I have a boyfriend who means the absolute universe to me. Hes so damn good to me and the kids. Never did I believe I'd meet anyone to love us the way he loves us. I absolutely adore him and i dont even believe that most days. Hes so sweet and kind to me. He thinks he's obsessed or thinks he's creepy with me but i don't believe that at all. He cooks and cleans for me. He brings me flowers. He loves bringing me things to surprise me . Hes always wanting to help. Hes just better than i ever deserve.

Hes insecure and thinks he doesnt deserve anything but he truly deserves the world. Hes such a great person and I feel guilty sometimes that hes with me. I think im so mean and not worthy of everything he offers. I dont know how to feel better about it.

I can only hope that maybe one day I can give him what he deserves. I know i don't always give him everything he wants....

[missdazednconfused]

Heaviness rolling in.

My heart is heavy. Life is so hard right now. I’m honestly tired of crying about everything. This whole situation w/ the virus is sad. It’s heart breaking to watch people break. It’s so hard for me w/ all this. I’m really fucking sad. It’s sad watching how this virus is turning everyone paranoid and scared of the world around them. 

[missdazednconfused]

It’s not them, it’s me.

It really fucking figures. I feel again that I’ve lost that person I want and at the same timeI do I really lose sight of what I want. I want this person and the next minute something else happens and then I don’t think I want them. It’s such an up and down thing. It’s clearly me because it’s the minute I don’t get attention....I get upset the moment I don’t hear from them. I get fucking obsessed when someone isn’t giving me attention. I get crazy and it’s like I don’t understand it. It makes me confused when I am trying to find something different to do to keep myself busy so I’m not so obsessed at waiting for them to get back to me. It makes me question what’s wrong with me. 

I don’t like when another attractive man gives me attention and I get all like, “Oooo, ahhh...” that’s not cool. I really want to be married to someone I love and want to be with for the rest of my life but I fucking don’t see that anytime soon in my life. There are things where I’m like, “I don’t know if this is okay to do.” Because well, this guy I want to be with....he considers me his...girlfriend... and now it’s stuff like, I’ll be talking to an ex...My only ex I’m actually friends with...he plays guitar and I asked him for some tips on how to start guitar...he asked me about doing facetime/video for it. And I was like, “uhhhh...I don’t know how appropriate that is.” I’m just like not even sure. I trust my ex with the guitar situation but I also don’t want to upset this dude...I still don’t know because I feel so awful.. It’s like shitty situations like this where I wonder if I’ll ever be ready to be in something...I’m probably rushing shit again and it’s not a good thing. I want things to all fall as they should be. I guess I’m not a completely done product of being where I should be. 

Sometimes I do feel like I’m far behind everyone else around my age but I know everyone grows differently. I just want to be further ahead on that but...Im kind of sad with myself, I guess. I’m really trying though, I really am...I feel like I’m going right back to who I was before. Being sad & shit. I feel like I’m getting dark and all that shit. I’m angry w/ the world again but it’s probably this whole damn pandemic going on. That’s making me extra angry. I am trying to breathe. I really don’t know what’s going to happen. I really hope in the next few years I’ll be at a spot in my life to get married to someone. I want to have love in my life. I want to be with someone truly. I get terrified sometimes when I’m actually cool with my kid’s dad because then I think he’s thinking that we’re going to get back together but I just want to go on with my life. It’s hard for me to get passed it. I feel so bad because I like him as a person and he’s cool to speak with but I don’t want to be with him anymore. He broke my heart showing me he couldn’t be the man I needed him to be and I also broke his heart not being able to be the woman he needed me to be. He was right when he said he counted on me to be his wife but I wasn’t able to give that to him. Which at the same time I’m glad it fucking happened. Because I couldn’t be with him when I know I wasn’t ready and didn’t want him. I’m ready for him to be done with me. I’m ready to be able to not feel that I have to worry about his well being or about him trying to be with me anymore. I’m ready to not having to worry. I’m ready to actually marry someone. I don’t want a divorce. I want my forever love. I really have a hard time expecting someone to ever love someone like me when I’m like this and I have kids. I truly feel bad for my kids sometimes because their parents are separated....it’s definitely my mistake for rushing it like this. I’m sorry to the both of them because I definitely love them with all my heart and I wish I could give them more than they deserve. I unfortunately took away what they deserve to have and I’m sorry to them that I did this. I love them to death and I truly hope one day I can make it up to them for breaking their family apart. Regardless of how shitty the circumstances have been. I hope one day they realize I did it to show them what happiness really is. Without them being broken apart watching 2 unhappy people together thinking this is what love is because it absolutely is not. I am truly sorry my 2 little loves. I love you both so much and I didn’t break up this family to hurt you or to be selfish. I did it for myself and for you. I did it so you didn’t see two people be wrong to each other, for your emotions to be completely broken apart. I did it because I love you guys most and I also know for myself I need to love myself and do what is best for myself as well. I hope one day I can show to both of you little ones how this was only for the best and one day I can bring someone in my life that you can love and you will love as well.

[missdazednconfused]

I’m speaking about this person once more. They really have a hold on me. They make me hella laugh, hearing their voice over the phone has been amazing for me. He actually wants to speak to me every fucking day. But how? It’s crazy. I am scared that I’m going to fuck it up somehow. I’ve been scared of how I’m going to be the closer we get and I know I definitely don’t want to push him away. I’ve been wanting to have this with him. I’ve always wanted him and I’m so excited to see him again. 

With this COVID virus going on...it has me scared I might not be able to see him when I want to be with him. 

[missdazednconfused]

This is something real concerning and I'm seeing it. Wont let me in and I cant think of how to bring any type of light into this familiar world. I know that this is going to be a frightening world of figuring what I can offer to ease this.

[missdazednconfused]

My heart.

My heart has been feeling a little heavy today. I feel so dumb because my family was over because they’re speaking their language and I can’t speak it. I want to be able to connect with my family without it even being an issue but here I am not knowing what they’re speaking about. 

I’m sad because I got upset w/ the person I care for because I didn’t hear from them and it makes me angry that I’m letting myself feel a certain way. They’re not even here and I’m making it seem as if we’re together when we’re not at that part yet. Maybe because I’m letting my head because that we’re so much more when we’re not. In my mind, I’m in this world that “hey, I can picture a world with them. I can picture us actually living in a happy world.” 

[missdazednconfused]

My thoughts have been all over the place with everything that’s been going on. There’s so much craziness in regards of this whole corona virus bs. I don’t like putting any thought into the bs of it. The government literally took fucking control of everyone and is letting it take over their sanity. I absolutely fucking refuse it to let it do so. The only thing that’s driving me crazy is watching everyone let it get to them. We’re on fucking shortage of everything. People are isolating themselves at home with fucking toilet paper, food, medicine, and paper towels. It’s fucking insanity. I went to the store just to get my normal stock of things but nah. We’re even limited to how much toilet paper we can buy so people can buy stuff. It’s insanity. I refuse to let that shit take over me. It’s not happening and I’m so good on it. I’m not letting it take over me. I refuse to let it define the way I live. I will live as I wish to live. I guess the only thing I can do is keep moving forward and be prepared for these shitty type of situations. I personally don’t believe in this whole viral bullshit we’re living in currently because it’s truly the government trying to gain control on our lives and it’s not cool. Let us live freely. I refuse and will stand my ground to live as I wish. 

[missdazednconfused]

I really hope of good things coming along my way because I’m just freaking out about my job. I’m trying so hard to try and fit in. I’m trying so hard to show that I can do this, show that I am a part of this team, but I just don’t feel it there. I don’t know what more to offer or what more I can do. I just pray that this place will keep me and they’ll eventually approve of my abilities of how hard I’m trying to work. I really am trying and sometimes I really wonder if it is me that’s absolutely fucking delusional that needs to medicate on this shit. Sometimes I just want to cry because of how difficult it is for me to grasp myself in this. I feel like the girls hate me there. Like I’m just not fitting in with them at all no matter how much I try to connect with them. It is what it is though. I’m just really trying to pull through this and gain experience in a new place. 

[missdazednconfused]

What do I know about anything? Really nothing....I've been waiting for this world to being me good things. I like to think that I do good things to bring good karma my way but idk. I could be doing bad things that I dont even know. Probably sounds stupid but I feel like I'm absolutely clueless when I'm doing something wrong. I refuse to speak to my children's dad because he's so cruel and disrespectful and that's the closest thing I know I could be doing wrong because he should be helping the kids and more supportive of the kids. Mentally, physically, and financially but for some reason he thinks it's limited to what he's responsible for. Whatever. That's fine. I hope the kids realize this one day how unsupportive their dad is. Considering he cant even reach out to them when he was gone for months.

Regardless, I like to think I can be with someone who I can trust one day and actually want to spend my life wxxv m.jith. With my kids. My kids need someone good in their life. That's what my kids deserve but I truly feel I only fall for jerks, the mentally disturbed, or drug users. Like what the fuck am I doing? Is it me or am I just a sucker for looking at someone and thinking, "oh I can make them a better person and turn their life around. I can build them up."

In reality, nah. You can't change anyone or make someone they dont want to be. I want to think that I can bring the good out of some people. But that's not really the case...the person I've been speaking to....I guess was an ex user and in my head I'm thinking, can I trust them? Will they manipulate me? Are they true? Are they someone that will stick through?

I'm tired of the whole dating bs thing. The thing with this person, I've known them since we were both 15/16 years old and always wanted to date them. Now were both actually available and they're trying to move back to my state again. So...It kind of keeps me from wanting to go around and date because I just want to hang with my friends and have fun until they get their ass down here...I only hope I feel the same for them when i see them. I hope that they aren't going to fuck with me. I hope that it's exactly what we both want and need. No repeats of our ex's bullshit. What we both need to keep our heads above water. I'm asking for some natural peace in my life.

They started getting all cute with me last night and I honestly started feeling like, "omg....I'm scared. They're into me...I'm going to fuck this up." Because I always fucking do .

[missdazednconfused]

This & that & other things

I kind of brought myself to be in a mind set...at least pushing towards it...I’ve told myself, 

“Your job is to be a mother to your two amazing babies, you’re going to fucking fight for them without ever backing down. Your job is to protect them and make sure they’re happy. They forever come first no matter what. You should forever hope to defeat any obstacle that comes passing through our world. The children and you are more family than their dad is to them. No one will ever stand in our way. Nothing and no one.” 

Main focuses is to pay off my debt, focus on my job, try to get a house, and maybe get my ass back into school again so I can shit together, man. Those are my top priorities. Which they should be my fucking top priorities. 

Of course, I hope and pray that I’ll meet someone worth my time. I don’t even expect anyone to try and be a dad to my children but honestly...If not, then what’s the point being with someone? I want to be able to share my time with the person I want to be with and my kids at the same time. It’s the fucking goal, man. Part of me just feels that it’s completely out the window for me and I’m not going to lie. I get really sad about it. I just can’t picture it really happening for myself. I see myself not being with anyone. I picture myself living in my house full of cats and I’m serious about that. I don’t want that world. I just feel like I’m incapable of finding someone that I can connect with for the rest of my life. I thought to myself that maybe I’ve pushed so many of these gentlemen away because they just aint it for me. They don’t fit my world but if it truly, truly is meant to happen for me...then...whatever gentlemen that walks into my life will not get on my nerves, I’ll be willing to share my space with. 

I mean, we’ll see what the future holds. I just turned 29 and....I hope things get better soon...

[missdazednconfused]

High’s & Downs

I honestly am so much better when I’m by myself. It’s crazy what a difference it is from morning to evening with how happy and at peace I am when I’m up during the day. When night comes along I want to cry and dwell on my bullshit when bullshit is just bullshit. 

This morning I thought to myself, I’m glad that I have to work towards the shit I need in life. Like buying my own groceries and paying for my car and whatever. I don’t have to count on anyone else or the government to pay for my stuff. It’s just me and it’s great. I hate how I’m broke all the time and can’t pay for what I want but fuck it. I work for it and I work hard.

I just wish people would see how hard I work...like my children’s nanny...She’s on her son’s side more than mine. I get it, it’s her first born and her baby...But what does he do for her but him creating a mess and her always having to clean it up. What is he going to do when she’s not able to anymore? I honestly can’t wait for it to all crumble apart for him because he’s a damn mess and he still believes that his DUI wasn’t that awful. 

I honestly refuse to let any toxic bullshit be back in my life anymore. I’m done and I’m over it. 

[missdazednconfused]

Marilyn Monroe in The Misfits (1961) dir. John Huston

[missdazednconfused]

Taking last minute chances

Today I made a major decision for myself and that was putting in my resignation letter to my current job that I’ve been working with for almost two years. After today I found myself so sad and I don’t know if I based all of those emotions in one day or if I indeed made the right decision. Keep in mind, I do have another job backed up and it’s something entirely different from what I’m doing now. It was just an emotional time for me when I gave my notice. I honestly didn’t want to do that but it was time. It was time to let go.

How I felt about my current job has changed so much. Between with how I started and how it is now, it’s as if no one even cares about the people we care for anymore. It’s only about getting done on time and it breaks my heart. I love the residents I’ve cared for throughout these year. It’s interesting how I’ve found myself attached to these people and it’s hard for me to part myself away from them. I looked at my residents today and I felt so much sadness in my heart because those people are honestly so important to me. They were so much more than residents to me, they were my family. I saw them everyday and helped them get ready for their day so they could accomplish their everyday living. I do love them all so very much. I’ve loved them all for so many different reasons and the fact that I’m leaving them for the reasons I am breaks my heart. I think what’s making it hard is that I feel as if I’m giving up on them when this job has just gotten so overwhelming for me. I love the job of being a caregiver but when I am so pressed on time and have to worry more about how I’m going to cut corners to help my residents, it’s not fair. Not fair at all. 

After all, there’s only so much I can do. I’m one person and this job has been so hard for me. I’ve been working so hard for the past few years as a caregiver. I just feel awful for giving up on this right now but I’ve been waiting for this opportunity for so long. I have a lot of anxiety how I’m going to be starting this new job, doing something absolutely different. But I do need this. I need this more than anything and it’s important for me to try this for myself. So I can let myself spread my wings, gain my mental health, have time for myself, and to be with my kids. I’m hoping I enjoy this....I don’t want a job to be just a job.

[missdazednconfused]

Sad

Idk what to say ...my work is taking my resident from me and it's breaking my heart right now. It makes me so sad.