minithemoocher

[minithemoocher]

To Meditate or To Medicate...

It’s been a while since David or I have sat down to share some thoughts with you - things have been wild since the move to our new unit - but we are here now! July marks our 6th Month at Lochburn Road, it’s insane how quickly the time is going.

July also marks the one year anniversary of me taking medication to help me manage my OCD. I wanted to talk a little about that subject, medication and the weird feelings it invokes in me. When I actively consider the concept of taking a tablet every night, it leaves me with the strange thought that in some way, it represents weakness. I have had this conversation with lots of people in the last year, about the undocumented possible side effect of taking medication; embarrassment, shame and denial.  

I have kind of jumped in head first here, with out much context of what has happened since my previous post about Mental Health so let me spin off some cliff notes and I will loop back round to the above subject...

I found out that I have OCD or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

I discovered that OCD takes many forms and the stereotypical hand washing, light switch flipping and cleaning portrayal of OCD is a poor and marginalized representation of the condition.

I have a few different strains of the the bloody thing but the most difficult to deal with is the Intrusive Thinking OCD (sometimes called Pure O).

Intrusive Thinking is one of the more difficult to diagnose given the lack of obvious physical ticks (they are there, you just need to look really closely) It is also commonly misdiagnosed as Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder (yup) and also in my case Health Anxiety.

I have most likely had it all my life (definitely since my late teens) and it has swayed back and forth from various strains.

Read this page for a small over view of the different types of OCD https://www.ocduk.org/types-ocd

I contemplated that I might actually be crazy despite all my nice talking and self reassuring in the months before.

I finally agreed to take medication after a particularly grim reaperish, month long episode.

So that roughly covers it in terms of the diagnosis and I am glad that I have something to work with. It took a good while but we got there (we as in me, Davie, the doc, my family - having multiple personalities is not a symptom).

It’s worth noting my intrusive thoughts & compulsions are around the unknown - vague I know - or you could say a lack of ‘solid evidence’. Read bed bug gate post if you want an example! Another common one for me is the thought that I may, accidentally, have done something terribly wrong and not known it or realized it and the potential repercussions of said terrible thing (that I haven’t done). That kicks off the cycle of the intrusive thought, which becomes the obsession and subsequently the compulsion to try and quell the thought, such as repeatedly asking some one to give their view on a the (bizarre) hypothetical situation and ask for reassurance. I can see why to the untrained eye it looks like someone just worrying and stressing a little. I call it getting stuck in a loop, which can go one for hours, days, weeks, months. It’s no the greatest tbh! And the mad situations I come up with make me question my claim to not being very creative.. So anyway, medication. That’s what I really want to talk about. 2 years ago, when I originally took really unwell and began talking a bit more publicly about it I was all over the place. I was determined that I absolutely would not be taking any tablets, not that there was ever anything wrong with someone else taking them, but I wasn’t going to do it. Don’t get it twisted here - I never had an issue with anyone else taking medication, in fact I actively encouraged those who had made that decision to stick with it, try it and give it a fair shot. It was not that the medication was bad per se but more of the idea that my mental health was not bad enough that I needed it. In other words, for me, denial.

So, I went in pursuit of other means - some work - some don’t! Training, has and will always be the best medicine for me. I’ve covered that off in posts before, but given the nature of OCD and it’s ability to morph quicker than morph himself, I have since discovered that my management programme needs to be able to evolve and change too.

But anyway, my pursuit of holistic and organic management started. I did a lot of research online, sifting through loads of articles, website, blogs and magazines to help me find possible solutions. The obvious one here CBT but I am going to leave that one out just now - it’s not massively relevant to my point, I am talking more of the life style advice stuff that people give. There were some really good, sometimes obvious points; don’t drink, eat well, sleep regularly, exercise, mindfulness, go for a walk, talk to some one etc etc. The list goes on. However, as I researched on and on I started to unearth this concept, from some people’s perspective, that medication is bad, not good, masking the problems and in some case portrayed as being a sign of your inability to deal with your issues.

So I had my plan, no medicine - it’s definitely not an option as it is bad - train, eat well every day, no drinking, sleep 8 hours a night, avoid stressful situations, practice mindfulness, no social media, no TV and avoid conflict. Sorted.... except it’s not very realistic is it. Well for me it ain’t. I am 29 years old, with a family (and some very patient and understanding friends), a wee one to look after and a house and business to run. I also live in a big city in the 21st century. My plan had some challenges. Long story short, it didn’t work. I was fucked (sorry for language but best way for me to accurately describe my state at that time) from being really unwell for a good amount of time at this point. I didn’t have the reserves there to execute my plan. I kept trying, but understandably, given my head space alone, kept failing in my endeavors which in hind sight only added to my issues.  And in to the bargain I had managed to convince myself that medication was absolutely not an option because it was bad - it would mask my problems, not help.  By this point my aforementioned denial was gone, I knew I was in really deep and really really struggling but again nope - no way - I am not taking pills. In the end it got really grim. We will call this the grim-reaperish stage!  I won’t go into the details but suffice to say I am grateful that I made it through that stage for the 2nd time in a year. During the grim reaperish stage, I had no choice but to hand over my care to my family and doctor. I was incapable of making any decisions. So medicine was prescribed and Davie held my hand as I cried taking it. Now for me, it helped me start to turn things around. It took the edge off, i panicked less, I feared things a little less, I wasn’t living in constant state of fear and high alert. It certainly didn’t magically fix my problems nor did it mask them, it just allowed me just a little tiny bit breathing space to help me start to execute my previous management plan. It allowed me to get back training regularly, it allowed me to able to keep some food down and actually have an appetite, it allowed me to not go from 0 to 100 as soon as there was a slight sign of challenge or uncertainty - now I just go to 50. I am taking that as a result.

In essence what I am saying is that medication has helped me a little and that’s ok. Yet sometimes, I still struggle telling people that I take medication every day and for me there is no definitive end date as of yet, we are hoping for next year but who knows. Each day as it comes right. Here is the reason I struggle with this admission; once I read some one else’s opinion that medicine is bad and taking it makes me weaker and it really stuck with me. I was already in denial about the state of mind and this compounded that thought real quick. A rational mind would say ‘ that’s one person’s opinion, you do you’ and they would be right but for me, and for many other’s struggling with that question, the thought process might not be that rational. It’s important to note I also seen people on the flip side, advising that I should me medicating and not bothering with alternative methods of management. It works both ways - the no medication stuck with me because that’s the conformation I was looking for.

So just to be clear, I am not saying that medication is good or bad, nor am I saying that mindfulness and meditation etc is good or bad. What I am saying is that every one person is different, and they already have a hard and laborious task of finding the correct solution for them so if you are issuing out advice, please do so with caution and compassion. Medicine, holistic or pharmaceutical, as treatment is such a controversial subject across many illnesses, I think it’s only fair that the recipient of your opinion has one, asked for it and two, that it is caveat-ed with the fact that is this is your opinion (based on referenced facts if required) and they should make try to make an informed choice of their own.

Information sharing is great for Mental Health issues, and it is something I have actively encouraged in my previous posts, but I suppose the important bit I missed was please do so with a heightened sense of awareness of how someone may react. Please don’t shame someone for taking a more holistic approach or for choosing a medicine based approach. Usually these types of comments come from a place of love and concern, but it’s maybe how we do it that matters. Instead of saying ‘do this not that’, maybe suggest putting some time aside to research options together and approach it with an open mind. You might just be the rational voice that someone needs when they can’t think rationally!

Everyone is different, but they all share the common goal of getting better or feeling like themselves again. My OCD will never fully go away, I am stuck with it for life and whilst it may be peaks and troughs, it is always there. What may be a fleeting comment for one person, is likely to stick with me for longer.

So to medicate or to meditate. I have found that a mixture of both is working well for me - ok not so much meditating, more like smashing pads, bags and sparring, sitting in silence in my head can some times be a little over bearing. The point is you do you, be informed, know the risks and be confident in knowing that you are far from weak. My previous posts re the mental health campaign are over on the NewLife Mental Health Blog which davie has hijacked this week. You can see them here: http://www.newlifeglasgow.com/mental-health-campaign-blog

Thanks Jill

Ps. I always say this but it’s kinda part of my OCD - I am not a doctor or medical professional. I am just some random lassie, who kicks and punches for a living and happens to be trying to figure the shit out of my OCD. My posts are are just my experiences.