mikeateryomama

[mikeateryomama]

best friends

best friends is such a weird thing. One moment ur at eachothers houses every single day just hanging out and the next they barely see you. guy friends especially I am in that phase where its hard to see friends on a weekly basis especially when I miss them so much. I have a trauma where all of my best friends since elementary school have always left me and when I find another one they always end up leaving me or not liking me after a certain period of time, thats why i never say the word best friend or ever try and make myself vulnerable to other guys. In 10th grade was the last time it happened where I had a best friend named sid and he left me cause i smoked weed and it hurt me a lot and then in college harkaran stopped talking to me cause he cheated on hsi gf irrelevant to me cause it wasnt me but still it really does hurt. Now its happening again with my current friends jesse, bashir and it really hurt this last weekend when he decided to go out with another guy than hang with me. I just dont know what to say u know it really hurts i wanted to cry i wanted to hate i wanted to be mean how could they hurt me when i finally started being happy i guess its a part of life. It made me start thinking who are my real friends u know just cause im in a realtionship people dont wanan hang with me? am i not fun to be around am I to much of a home body to do anything. I can still go out to a bar and have fun and still be in a realtionship girls arent everything i can just help or support u know why cut me out? my relationship doesnt define who I am I am a lot of things and it hurts to be just cut out like that and chosen over. I dont want to be a second option and i dont want to be one anymore. I am going to make new friends knowing 1 thing now, I know my life long friends and she has been by my side for the last 4 years and i always knew it but it recently hit me hard. that she will always be by my side. I was cuddling at her apartment and shes so much fun to just talk to, run errands with, get stuff done and relax with and talk to i love making jokes and having fun and playing video games with her i can do it for the rest of my life i feel so at peace and i feel like i can be myself and ill always be happy with her. I can randomly be weird and even if she doesnt match my energy i know i wont be judged and itll jsut be good energy or when its fun to make fun of eachother i like it a lot so many simple memories we are cherishing every day. I want to say it now i cherish my life right now chilling in an apartment working out eating having fun talking about our work and just a simple happy life with so much less noise, this stage in my life is so calm and peaceful and i appreciate so much of it thank u. thank u so much for being in my life, Janvi Kapoor <3  HAHAHAAHAH jk its tinkusuar !!! 

[mikeateryomama]

Girls

Sometimes I do not understand girls as a whole. Why is she my best friend. Sometimes I feel like she doesn’t see the world as I do we don’t see through the same lense. She doesn’t walk her own path, and by this I mean multiple things. I want someone to inspire me and challenge me not just send me an indicator of LAZY LOVE every hour and be lazy watching tv shows. I want someone who has their own goals and works towards their own girls of their own accord, who works hard and gets better because they want to not cause someone else is pushing them, it’s exhausting as if I am caring for a child it’s Depressing to hear negative things all day when u are already depressed urself and this person is like an anchor, I can’t name a time where I have been ousted to do better cause they beleice in me or they wanted what’s best for me it’s almost as if they want me to be worst. The people around u influence u and I keep telling me that the people around me are good but i think I’ve been lying to myself. I am my own person and I have my own baggage that I carry, but my partner has baggage that she cannot carry herself, and it would be fine but after 4 years of refusing to carry her own baggage it’s time I think about if I want to carry that baggage for the rest of my life. Am I strong enough to carry them? Am I selfish for not wanting to carry it? Everyone has baggage, and I’d help anyone who is TRYING to pick up Thier own baggage I just wish I saw

Some effort from across the aisle. An indication of her seeing something in me I didn’t see myself. Like gifts I ask her constnstly for what she likes to get updates and for me I’ve picked out every gift myself and she always has 0 clue cause she’s just in her own little world. Everything always comes back to her as if she’s a goddess which she is but it can be exhausting with someone so naturally narcissistic. Someone who does things for clout rather passion someone who is ina. Symbiotic relationship and can’t function by themselves. I want to grow to be a force in this world and I need someone to by my right hand gun, not someone who gets shot in the first round I need that in my life and I’ve said this time and time again but nothing works. The improvement hasn’t been enough.

I’ve experienced love maybe it’s just time to end things for good, I lost all feeling in myself I am depressed as ever so numb so I just wanna slip into a quiet sleep and give up cause nothing ever works out anyway why try when I can relax forever in a bed or sleep

[mikeateryomama]

U know what sucks, the fact that’s it’s excusable for an adult to be depressed, I feel so much pressure to succeed and try and work hard when all I wanna do is give up and cry for months just like in JS. But in school I wasn’t allowed to do that cause of grades and now I can but I can’t cause of work and being an adult when will the suffering end? I guess that’s why people go into suicide. Passion is something u do at night and I’m writing about depression right now so is this my passion? Something u do at night to unwind I beleive that so what I do at night I want to do for the rest of my life. Hm...

[mikeateryomama]

Part 2

I am doing YouTube cause I’m afraid if I fail at my manga that I will have nothing to show for but that’s what my IT job was. I want to be a millionaire so I can do my manga with complete anxiety gone and DP it with my entire freedom and life cause I wanted to find an answer to financial stability what kind of nirvana will I reach after obtaining everything I ever wanted whay answerr will I come to and put in my manga. That is why I do not start on my manga now. And finally putting that into words kinda made me feel better thay I know my goal now. The answer I find from these projects is the answer I will put into my manga the ending chapter. I hope it’s a good one. And I hope it all works out. I guess it’s not bad..

[mikeateryomama]

Having fun

Life is just one hipportical idea. I try to make my decisions to be based out of fun rather logic or anything else. I chose to leave coalfire cause it was the right thing to do, it would make myself feel better but I felt horrible after anyway, it didn’t do me any good. I chose to do things a certain way for fun but I feel like I’m being beat by everyone with logic and reasoning. I lost my AWS interview. I’m hurt cause I wanted to make my decisions out of fun rather than clout aka not taking a super high paying job at coalfire but rather work for my own integrity and make a stand but I still feel so horrible afterwards? It’s cause I didn’t quit cause I was making an integrity move I quit cause this lasting feeling I know in my heart is cause I was too much of a pussy to continue that work and I had too much anxiety and wanted to sit at home and smoke and do nothing. I have this horrible mood this air this darkness around me. I also smoked recently so it could be my anxiety driving back up. I smokes to get rid of my anxiety but after getting off of it I kinda realized, smoking causes me anxiety :/ so back to me, I continue to make decisions cause it’s more fun but it’s not bringing me power, not power for people to like me or love me or even be jealous of me it’s just doing nothing but I feel like the judge me for it? My advice is to never care about other people think but this damage I feel. This damage I crave I want something to come out of it and I realized recently this damage means nothing, cause nothing can ever come out of this dmaange. My greTest fear is that this damage will not yield anything for me it will not make me rich famous or jealous or fix my self esteeem issues it’s just damage that happened to me and that’s the way the world is. I want to be rich and famous I am vain to the very core of my heart and my actions disprove this but this is who I am, my first thought will always be horrible rancid sexist and wrong my second thought it what I will take action upon which is thoughtful nice and good. I feel like no matter how much I try to be good I just can’t, so I’m caught between trying to do goood but also try to be myself which is the opposite of good. Why don’t I already know who I am at this age, why do I doubt everything I do? Why do I doubt lie and never face these truths why is it taking so long for me to understand these simple topics of who I am? I can’t go to anyone to help so I’m just left to wonder. Is it cause I lie to my parents about drinking and eating meat it creates this mental anxiety in me of dishonesty so I continue to lie to myself? Are my actions a direct reflection of my mental state? I lie in real life so I lie to my mind? Sometimes I want to break down crying but I know that it won’t do anything cause it won’t change anybring. Why don’t I just continue my life making 125 and just smoking my life away every weekend and forget these worries it’s so easy, so simple and fun. Fun. I think it’s time I stop lying to myself about all these things, I want to create a show, a media to entertain and teach and take all my damage and help someone else. But there isn’t a doubt in my mind that o can’t do it but.. now I’m thinking what happens if it all fails what do I do then. I spent my entire life knowing I would do this ever since I was 11 so if I don’t have this it’s officially the final piece of my life I’m letting go. What do I do now. And when I find something to do, why even do it? Why am I suddenly question why the sky is blue why can’t I just accept this and move on why why why. I think it’s cause I never did ant actions for fun so far, I only been doing them for popularity. And that’s the truth ion care about YouTube it’s just a means to an end but I thought my IT job was a means to an end so when will it finally be the end, when will I finally start working on my end and finally be done with it. When will I finally start it? Why not now? It’s cause I’m afraid what if I fail, what if it’s not good enough and I end up having to do a shitty It job for the rest of my life what if it all

[mikeateryomama]

Toxic traits

Over the years me and my best friend taanie partner have both had our fair shair of toxicity towards one another. Does this make us a bad relationship? No I think this is just apart of growing up together and our love has survived all of that. Today Id like to acknowledge my flaws.I always point out her bad traits because i expect so much from her, not as a person but as a citizen of earth I want her to inspire i want her to be the best person she can be so that makes me mean at times because i think thats the best way to motivate her to be the best person she can be. This can lead to fights and her getting sad which ahs the opposite effect and i learned this only after 3.5 years. I am afraid that I broke her heart over and over and made her cry so many times that sometimes i think i dont deserve her. Its why I been having so much anxiety ridden dreams that I beleive that I hurt this amazing woman so much that I dont deserve her cause i hurt so much over being un manly or sensitive. Even yesterday when she called me annoying i tried not act hurt because i didnt want to make her sad but it overwhelemd me all the stress of not having a job and past trauama. Another thing I do that is bad that I ask to many sexual favors from her. I want to satisfy her more than she does for me and she asked me if I wanted something rather me asking her. I want her to feel safe and secure and please her consntalty not cause of anyhting specific just cause im so madly crazy about her. Another thing I regret is not making her laugh enouhg, i feel like when i meet her i become too low energy because im that acomfotable aroudn her, i dont have to pretend or act so i be myself which is low energy at night but thats wrong. Relatinships are constant effrot and its okay to be low energy but I need to make an effort especially if i want to have a 50+ year relationship with her my wife. Also another thing I regret is forcing her to do tuff even when shes not ready and talking bad about her family. I understand taht emotions can be high at times and she vents to me and i sometiems use that against her which i absoultely regret, she is using me as a venting mechanism. Another thing is that i enable her lazy moods. If i want my best friend to workout and be healthy i shoudl lead be example not just force her t oworkout and me eat chips infront of her every night?? thats not fair at all its a team effort. Also I yell at her about youtube about not doing her part but honestly neither have I? She has been growing youtube and not me and yet i put 100 percent blame on her. I know its because im self concious and i hate myself right now because its been a streak of bad luck and im so thankful for her staying by my bum ass side. I dont know when it will change but I dont know how to show my apprecation for such an amazing women. I love her so much that I dont know what to do or feel. All that I know is that im ahving fun with her and I want her to achieve her dreams first so I will work towards that an go from there.

[mikeateryomama]

High Tide and Low Tide

Coming from immigrant parents we are intatley forced to swallow the fact that we must become as successful as possible. Hence we become doctors, engineers, and lawyers, to make the most money as low income immigrant parents so we can provide options for our children. But coming in as second generation immigrants our parents have already achieved that dream. We have wealth we have options so what now? What options are we supposed to choose after achieving our parents dream so early, what do we do with this life time of oppurtunity to work towards or accomlish to do anything? Taanies first started as an engineer to prove her worth to her parents, after achieving stability she was free to go down any path but because being a women in a masculine society she wanted to follow in her role models foot steps (her sister) and prove to everyone in ehr family she was capabale. Very similar to an immigrant family forcing success, it was almost as if taanie was being forced fed a life she was never passionate about. For years she struggled with this and it tormented her. It wasnt cause she was bad at it, no no on the contrary she was quite good! Easily breezing through the hardest engineering classes but she didnt have that fire. The fire to push on and learn and grow the fire to compete the fire of life. I asked her every day what she wants, what she likes and that self reflection is tough to answer the cold hard truths that the thing you been working at for years wasnt as great as it turned out to be. Working out doors can be touhg and thats what her paht had lead her to, I didnt find an answer in my career, but i did find what my immigrant parents wanted. Stability. IT has given us stability and now thanks to that I can now choose the options my parents worked so hard to provide for me. I have optiosn for my famil,y my children and myself. Taanie too chose that path but in 1 year making a swtich with no prior backgroun exprience or knoweldge can be tough. TUrning her life around emotionall,y personally and physically with a drive she has never invoked before she succeeded in landing her dream job, becoming an icon withi nthe industry, and contributing to the community. THe craziest thing is that taanie unlike me, does things out of fun, out of passion never out of disicpline or hard work. So her method may be complete different but yields the same results if not better than mine.  I wonder what if she could combine these 2 forces of nature and harness it, how far will she be able to fly? How high can she go? She is not a woman who can inspire others nor make an impact to the world yet, but i dare say after realizing she has options, i wonder how far her passion and curisoity will take her.I cant wait to find out.

[mikeateryomama]

Love

Every single day I have never been more in love, until tomorrow comes. I wake up every day more in love with my girlfriend than the last and I am not sure why this is. Nothing has changed between us besides her being here. After being away for so long i think my heart has been in pain from so much physical distance but having her here to love and physically love me makes all the difference. I can hold her hand when i want to. I can nibble on her earlobe and tickle her all I want and she will just be a funny patootie. She always gets this lost look and move her head around as if shes analyzing the world from a toddlers perspective. Its always this wondrous curious gaze with a slight tilt down. I love the way her skin feels when i rub against it its moist yet firm its so well taken care of. I love the way her wrist bone pops out because her arms are so skinny. I love the way her hair gets all fuzzy and folds back onto itself making her look like a goober. I love the ways she walks pushing off the ground with such elegance using most of her hamstrings to move like me. I am in love with the litle things and always will be

[mikeateryomama]

Annoyances and gratefullness

I read somewhere that I should write 3 thigns i am grateful for everyday and itll lead to a happier life but honestly there is one thing I need to point out.This is something I have to say about my friend Jesse. Maybe its been like this since the very first day and im starting to beleive it is. But whenever we are in a group he will imeddietley go towards the most popular person, the funniest person and sit and talk to him while ignoring me and Harry. We wont be the center of his attention and easily be waved off, Harry and I are commonly waved off when i ngroups and for the past year ive made a personal note to give everyone the same energy, I give mitu more attention when im around him especially in gruops and I notice that it clearly changes. We may be jesses best friends but in public we are not treated as so. Of course my baby girl taanie will get super angry reading this shes very defensive for me which i love. Its not a huge deal but I think it leads me into expanding my friendships into other people as he shouldnt be my only friend, He has millions of other friends who love him, but how many people would do stuff for him? Many more friends but lower quality? Liked by many but loved by little? I beleive I have a friends I am not have as many close ones as him but I beleive I have a good solid group. I need to work on my close friends the ones. My ideal life is to have 20 amazing friends who are there by my side. Those who i truly enjoy being with, I have pletny of fun with and we invest energy into eachother. I will work on this goal.

Going on a side note I am grateful of my job, able to work so easily with almost no stress and work from home to rest. I am grateful of my friends who I can treasure my memories with. I am grateful my parents. Yes they can be very annoying but having a stable home to come to really does put my mind at ease. I never thought id ever thank them for anyhtin but its time for me to grow up. I am not in Highschool anymore this is a battle for life. I have not changed my goal just different perspectvie.

[mikeateryomama]

Friendships

I had a sudden realizization today. it all started when I was on ps4 chat and ashleigh said that I am a kiss ass, I am a people pleaser and jesse agreed. I laughed it off but it really got me thinking and it really hurt me. They say things that hurt u are the most true and of course it was definitley true. I went through all the stages of grief, denying it while i talked to bashir while still laughing it off, I got angry about it I tried to reason with it but in the end finally today I took my first step towards accepting it. I sat around hookah today staring at everyone thier demeanor, my cousin next to me, Jesse across the table. The table got quiet when we sat around, convos became very distant and in the end no one was really talking, I couldnt hear them, they werent doing or saying anything really. As if they didnt wanna talk around me or if I had done something. Regardless it was just not fun for me. I took the time to analyze everyones demeanor, mitu had his legs overly spread apart to show confidence which I think is a feint or overcompenstation of sorts, everyone else legs together with nothing to prove laid back, Jesse with a smile, robin quietly checking out girls. Zehra and her friend non chalantly showing off thier nicley done hair and nails.I wasnt talking, I wasnt doing anything, I was done with the vibe. The old me wouldve stayed until the end and just waited until Jesse left but then It would look like I was Jesses Lackey. I am my own person with my own thoughts and feelings and I have been called a lackey before but fianlly years later I am starting to move onwards to be my own person. I got up and told mitu im leaving. And no one said anything to stop me. The entire time I was worried about thier impression of me if I left but none of them said a word, they just said okay cool and dapped me up and I walked out...Easy...right? Why was I so worried when none of them even cared in the first place. I left a house warming of my good friend to go to a place where I wanted people to like me more but in reality they didnt cherish me as much as my friends, so why would I give them the time of day in the first place? I have not been appreciative of those who truly treasure me I am not grateful of those who have given me thier time, thier moeny, thier effort. I need to put my energy towards those people. Yes this is very obvious, yes I shouldve been doing this from the beginign but actions speak louder than words and im Happy with the decision I made today. For once in my life I am happy to be who I am, today I am happy about my actions.One step forward.

[mikeateryomama]

Snowy get away

this weekend we went snowboarding for aashnas birthday. It was a lot of fun and its been a long time since taanie and I hung out. Recently I feel like i been very harsh to her as if im a mean person but thats not the person i want to be with her. She is my everythign so why would i treat her so meanly? Example: i left her on the snowy mountain not even knowing that she couldnt get up, i shouldve made sure she can use her snowboard properly before just abondoning her and i felt so bad, that wasnt a good friend of me. So then afterwards i always made sure she could do it and she didnt give up and learned and pushed herself it maade me really happy that im with someone willing to try so hard in the name of fun! Also i was really stressed out driving back becasue my tires were flat, i was running out of gas so i was super stressed trying to get back without causing a crash cause i wasnt supposed to be driving all the way to PA. Taanie started singing early on our trip back and i was so annoyed. I thought to myself im here super stressed out and she is there sitting there having the time of her life. And i was about to say something but then i stopped. Why should i ruin my best friends day cause of the problems i am personally dealing with? Stressing about it isnt going to fix it so i took a deep breathe and i actually listened to her singing, i started dancing along it was super soothing i loved it. Taanie is the type of person who just wants to have fun and I should be her shiled so she can always enjoy herself. Shes a bundle of joy and thats the perfect person to balance my pessimistic attitude. She isnt like a normal indian person, who judges if u arent “cool”. I like white people so much because u can say and do anything ur heart desires and they will laugh along with you. So in that moment i became the person i want to be and i truly enjoyed that drive back with. Hand in hand singing along vibing and just enjoying eachothers company. She taught me to love not only her, but life itself.

[mikeateryomama]

The thoughts of taanie

One of the greatest things I learned from my best friend was at the gym recently. Intentions are everything. I was having a rough day and got annoyed at my friends and amidst the chaos that was my brain. Fireworks going off like no tomorrow complemented with 200 mg of caffiene coursing through my brains that single line was able to calm me all down. I gained an understanding of empathy that I had not achieved before. It was truly an amazing experience to calm down all my anger, all my animostiy, rage stress and hate. Of course i instantly played into a joke of saying “f u” but in reality at that moment i was so calm impressed and overly in love. What a girl can drop that much philosophy over and over, it truly is inspiring to be with such a woman. everyday I fall more and more in love constantly learning the little nuance of that person. It truly is a blessing.