mezzyezzy

[mezzyezzy]

“i wish i could fuck without feelings and shatter glass ceilings but you’ll just find me drinking poison in the name of healing. i can picture a future with anyone who puts their hands in my hair because nowhere is just somewhere not fair cloaked in fake prayer. i don’t care if they don’t want me and i don’t see warning signs - i have no boundaries and i don’t believe in crossing lines because there are no guidelines in the confines of the sometimes that you see all the time. their magnetic field is the only reason that i have a moral compass and i don’t care if there are three of us in this bed because i will convince myself when my eyes are closed that numbness is the same as oneness and your sick obsession with abundance isn’t loveless.”

— smspoetry

[mezzyezzy]

So I in started therapy and have been going for the past few weeks. I’m really enjoying it. I wouldn’t say it’s completely helping yet, but it’s definitely not a negative thing. My counselor is a gay man and he makes me feel really comfortable and normal. My “homework” this week was to make myself cry more... which has honestly been way harder for me than I thought it would be. I had a major anxiety attack/ outburst last week resulting in a anxious feeling for days. Instead of feeling I sort of held it inside and then walked and from the gym with working out in between. It helped but anyways today I wanted to talk about why it’s so hard for me to feel.

I feel like my feeling are an inconvenience or even that they’re too much or too dramatic. I don’t know where these feelings are rooted in but that’s what I am working through at the moment. Getting to the root is really hard; especially when there are so many layers. I’ve been digging through the layers a lot this week, one because getting to the root and for two because I was trying to cry. I came close once but it just wouldn’t happen. Through digging though and the thing that made me close to crying was thinking about betrayal. I have been betrayed by so many people close to me... my mother, my first love, and my closest friend. I don’t know why or how they could do it. Do I attract narcissists like moths to a light?? I don’t know but working through it has been tolling.

My goal for this week is to cry. My longer term goal is to stop making excuses for people who treat me shitty. No more being nice for nothing.



[mezzyezzy]

My healing from mental illness; a process

Step one; be aware. By that I mean be aware of your feelings, actions, thoughts, and process in which you do things and feel and think. Take note of the way you work and try to start noticing it as it’s happening even while you’re doing it.

Step two acceptance. With acceptance you have to nurture yourself and understand yourself. Look inwardly try to get to know yourself as a stranger because really we are like strangers to ourselves; I guess I won’t speak for everyone but I feel strange to myself at times and I’m always looking deeper in to understand more. Don’t be angry about what’s happening now that you’re aware of the illness it’s hard to to not feel that it is unfair.

Step three this is where you have to be the strongest. That’s where you have to start caring for yourself, like clock work. It will be like having a child. We are children, obviously not actually but our needs get passed from our parents to us and now it’s all you. This goes into one and two. You have to care for yourself mentally but also physically. Wash your damn face. Put your laundry away. Feed yourself good food. Sleep!! Do things you love. Even if it’s hard at first sit there for 5 mins and try. This will be nurturing your inner child. The little voice inside that is your emotions and part of your soul. Once you make baby steps physically and mentally it’s time to get your mind right. This will be the big push.

Step four opening up to others. At this point if you’re not feeling like yourself or still aching to get though your day to day life this is where support will need to be added. Loved ones, someone you really trust and then probably a professional. No shame in needing help. That is what the human experience is all about, connection.

Step five; if at this point you are in therapy or getting help in other outlets and still it’s not enough medication maybe prescribed at which point you may need to repeat one through three. It’s not something to be ashamed about. It doesn’t make you weak. You had so much strength through all of this, give your mind a break. Remember to love yourself and be kind to yourself.

Obviously this is not for everyone. This is how I cope. If you’re feeling mass amounts of depression, thoughts of suicide or chronic unstability please start with four and keep the rest in mind but there are different levels to this and that’s okay. Just seek help one way or the other it’s okay if you can’t start or do it alone or need more immediate help now. But there is an option and answer. someone does love you. I’m still working towards it too but this is my food for thought of the day on mental health; something I’m trying to use to get through this world wind of life and emotions I have going on inside me. Hope the sun shines on you one way or another today🌞🦋

[mezzyezzy]

A battle with mind

took my thoughts for a walk

they started running; I couldn’t keep up

I lost sight, lost focus

running circles around me

twirling me out of reality, out of myself

a tornado of emotions flowing through my every nerve; heart racing; mind gone

running running running

and then it all caught up, sense of self returned

I fell numb, my thoughts stopped in their place as reality trailed behind becoming clearer with every breath I exhaled

I continued walking

— Anxiety attack

Sometimes I fear losing reality. Maybe I’m victim of my own mind, myself. I think about people taking their lives a lot.. I sometimes get it. I mean not truly, but this world is kind of glum, kind of terrible.

maybe I’m ill, maybe that’s how we all feel.

I miss feeling content. I feel bleak; like the life has been sucked out of me, right through my eyes which feel heavy a lot lately. Like all they want to do is be closed. This hole in my chest, still a hole. I can’t remember the last time it was truly full. It kind of feels like a black hole from space has formed in my sternum and it pulling all the energy from my entire body.

My body aches, my bones throb.

It’s like something’s missing. A piece of me. Maybe it was stolen, maybe I gave it away. I hope it’s just lost. Something I can find, take back, reclaim for myself.

Or maybe it’s something I have to rebuild. Make a new.

I tried to find it, I still search.

I find it in moments. In the kind eyes of strangers, smiles on the train. I steal them sometimes, to wear, pretend they’re real, like really meant for me

I find it for a moment in hugs from dear friends, the touch of a lover and meaningful sentiments said by those who love me.

I look for it in myself.

There was once I found it in you; that wasn’t true. A mirage I made in my mind.

I wonder if I’m alone in this feeling

am I ill?

Am I sane?

what is the point anyways?

love?

humanity?

money?

Is anything even real?

I just want to run.

run from here. Run from myself.

run run run

I want to rest.

rest in your mind. Rest in myself; in comfort rest rest rest I want to hide Hide from the world. From these thoughts.

This piece was yes written in one sitting. Mania depression is crazy. It’s like I’m constantly depressed but sometimes irraticly depressed the next like my thoughts are scattered and I can’t really think of the next thing that’s going to happen and I let the environment eat me up. Take from me. I dissolve into my surroundings. Or I run from them. This day I was driving around and I started having an anxiety attack. Once it started I was aware of what was happening so I went to go to the library to sit and write my mind was racing and I was trying to collect my thoughts and I just started making a mental image of my emotions. I calmed myself down for the moment and while I was coming down from this emotional high I continued writing and just let me thought control my pen, even if it sounded far out or really sad. Most of it was just my emotions talking but that’s okay, because that’s the problem. Making a record of the times you can be aware of your illness are an important part of healing.