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messer-quills · 3 years

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Sirius finds out Lily is pregnant

Lily Evans Potter and Sirius Black dueled together beautifully, perhaps even better than either ever had duelled with James. James and Sirius may have been able to communicate without words and never fell out of step with each other, going on attack together or combining their power for their defenses, they strengthened each other, making them a formidable force for any group that had the misfortune of crossing them. Together the boys were power and force. Lily and James communicated in that way only a true couple can, with instinct and very few words. James spent entire duels protecting Lily, casting shield charm after shield charm and allowing her to work her own magic. There was no denying the allure and strength of the couple.

Lily and Sirius though, their duels were artwork and mastery, invoking terror and awe in equal measure. Outside of the classroom, neither were afraid to use spells that may have fallen outside of the realm of spells that were considered purely ‘light’. They knew that there was a line that couldn’t be crossed but they also knew that by limiting the spells in their own arsenal they were handing the advantage, and possibly their lives, to their enemies. So the two worked in tandem, one protecting them both and the other attacking their opponents, sometimes chaining their spells together. They worked as two arms of the same body, seamlessly alternating between firing off hex, jinxes, and curses and defending the others six.

They had an impressive record together and it was rare that either was ever hit in a real battle. So when, as soon as the Death Eaters had disapparated, Lily had promptly puked all over Sirius’ boots he was immediately concerned for both his shoes and Lily.

“Lily, what happened? Did you get hit? How did I miss one? I never saw a spell coming? Oh James is going to kill me.” Sirius had his wand out, looking around for Lily’s attacker.

“Siri, calm down, no one hit me.” Lily vanished the vomit with a flick of her wand and conjured a glass of water.

“But you puked! You aren’t getting sick are you? Because James will still kill me if I let you get sick on my watch.” Sirius panicked.

“No I’m not sick. And James can’t kill you for something that is his own fault. And trust me this is entirely his bloody fault.” Lily muttered.

“James isn’t sick though, I saw him yesterday he would have mentioned it if he was puking recently.” The panic in Sirius’ chest was rising.

“Siri, I am not sick. I’m pregnant.”

“You’re WHAT?!”

“Pregnant. With child. Bun in the oven. Human incubator. About to bring life into this world. Eating for two.”

“You and Prongs are having a baby. We’re having a baby!” Sirius’ face looked like it was about to split in half with how wide his smile was as he picked Lily up and spun her around. “Does Prongs know about the prongslet yet?”

“No.” Lily laughed as Sirius set her down. “I just found out myself a couple days ago, you’re the only one who knows.”

Sirius beamed down at her before worry flashed across his face. “Oh god, you’re pregnant. Red, you shouldn’t be fighting in your condition. You need to be at home, resting.”

“We? I didn’t realize I was having your child as well as James’. And I have some months yet before I have to stop working. It’s not like I intended to end up in a battle Black.”

“Oh please Lily, that is as close to a child as I’ll ever have. You have to make sure that it’s protected.”

“I will not let you bubble wrap me Black.” With the nausea subsiding Lily leveled her best Minerva impression on him. “This is a war, I will not be sidelined. I’m not about to sit around knitting while you all fight for my own cause! I’m not going to bring your godchild into this world without trying to make it better.”

“Wait. My……godchild?” Sirius’ eyes sparkled, hope lighting up his face for the first time in months.“ Lil, are you sure? Have you talked to Prongs about that?”

“Yes you doofus. Who else is going to love this child as much as me? There was never any other choice Siri.” She smiled and pulled him in for a hug.

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messer-quills · 3 years

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I've wanted to draw this for a long time and I finally got round to it. Remus is cannonically terrible with potions and I love James Acaster as a FC for him so, it made sense. Based off that one celebrity bake off episode.

Insp

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messer-quills · 3 years

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James: I heard your dad was in St Mungo's what happened?

Sirius: oh he heard about me and Remus and challenged him to a duel

James: Remus did that?!

Sirius: oh no of course not. I tripped my dad in the stairs and he broke his leg

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messer-quills · 3 years

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Indian Harry Potter headcanons that could kinda fit into canon:

Little Harry wonders why his skin is so much darker than his relatives

He asked Aunt Petunia once and she pursed her lips and said “don’t ask questions”

He’s told to walk behind Aunt Petunia when she makes Harry hold all the groceries

At age 8, Harry is told his skin is so mich darker because he’s “dirty”

He showers till his skin is red and raw but he’s still as dark as chestnut when he comes out

There is only one other boy with the same skintone as Harry in his grade

His name is Arjun and he doesn’t have many friends

One time he came to Harry and offered to share his food - a round bread-like substance and potato that tasted a lot better than Aunt Petunia’s

Arjun’s face visibly dimmed in disappointment when Harry had no idea what the food was or how to eat it

He doesn’t talk to Harry much after that but sends him a smile every time their eyes meet

Dudley and his gang beat up Harry for being poor, an orphan and dark but they bully Arjun for his yellow fingernails and because “he smells of curry”

At age 10, Harry knows his mother’s name was Lily but not his father’s

At age 11, a giant with the kindest eyes Harry’s ever seen hands him an acceptance letter to Hogwarts and says “James and Lily would be proud” and Harry’s heart soars

Harry’s first friend has skin as white as snow but he’s loyal and kind and funny and his favorite person in the universe

Harry’s second friend has skin darker than his and Harry’s eyes light up at the knowledge that he’s not alone here in this world

Hermione Granger is fierce and unapologetically black, with cornrows braided into her hair and a glare sharp as knives. There’s nothing in this world Harry wouldn’t do for her

During November of his first year, kind and pretty Parvati Patil says “Happy Diwali” to him with a beaming smile

In the fraction of a second where Harry looks lost, Parvati’s face falls

Harry’s stomach clenches and he’s reminded visibly of Arjun so he says “thank you Parvati, you too”

Parvati’s smile is tumultuous but there

The tightness in Harry’s stomach doesn’t vanish though

Christmas Break arrives and Harry finds himself lost in the Mirror of Erised - he sees his father, darker than him but strong and proud and confident with mischievous eyes and a loving smile, his hand ruffling mirror Harry’s hair affectionately

He sees his mother, pale like Aunt Petunia but oh so vibrant with her piercing eyes, warm smile and protective embrace around the Harry in the mirror

He sees his grandparents - rows and rows of people who look just like him

He wishes more than anything that he could trade places with the boy in the mirror

At the end of his first year, a sobbing Rubeus Hagrid hands him his most treasured possession

Harry flips through the pages of the album, his heart in his throat

He sees his father in a black tux, handsome and cheeky, with his lopsided glasses and tears in his eyes as he looks at Lily Evans-soon-to-be-Potter

He sees his mother, red hair braided back with flowers and a white, trailing dress that seemed to sparkle even in the picture - or maybe that was Lily herself, radiant with joy

His eyes widen as he sees their second wedding: Lily in a red blouse and skirt, embellished with mirrors and silver stones, henna decorating her hands and long silver earrings dangling from her ears

James Potter is dressed in red and gold: a long, red top that looks just as grand - but less shiny - than Lily’s and flowing golden pants

They both sit peacefully in front of the flickering fire

He watches them place thick garlands of white flowers around each other’s necks and cries

The last picture features baby Harry. Lily and James are once again dressed in ethnic wear, wearing blue this time, a baby Harry in a Snitch-covered onesie clasped between them. All three of them hold onto a lit sparkler and baby Harry laughs as they trace patterns in the air

Summer before second year, Ron rescues Harry from the Dursleys and brings him to his house

After that however Ron is more observant, more protective

When Parvati and Padma wish him Happy Diwali in second year, Harry stutters over the word and flushes with embarrassment but the twins smile at him kindly

On the other hand, Ron’s jaw drops and a sinking realization occurs

Leaving behind an oblivious Harry he runs to find Hermione and they both head to the library

Harry doesn’t know what the conversation entailed until the summer before his third year and instead of being expelled for blowing up his aunt, he’s met by a relieved Minister of Magic

Before he leaves for Hogwarts, in addition to learning about mass murderer Sirius Black who murdered 13 people with a single curse, Harry finally learns his heritage

Arthur Weasley waves his wand and a golden 3D projection of the world balloons in front of Harry and it spins and comes to a stop in front of him

Arthur Weasley gently says “that’s India, Harry. That’s where you’re from, where James was from, where your family lived before they immigrated to Britain in the 18th century”

India feels like home

He meets Ron and Hermione on the train and before the Dementors come he tells them that he’s gonna spend the year researching India and their magical community

Ron and Hermione beam back

Hermione immediately pulls out a book and shows it shyly to Harry. The table of contents lists interesting topics that Ron and Hermione had brainstormed last year that they thought Harry would be interested in

Ron says “we didn’t start the research of course this is all your history. But, well, we’d like to help”

Kind, loyal Ron who hates the library offering to help him and studious, goal-driven Hermione offering to give up her own studying time for him makes him almost well up

He’d die for these two, Harry thinks with certainty

Thrice a week they meet in the library for a few hours to research India

Hermione is in despair when she realizes the library’s works on India were mostly all written by white people

She teaches Harry and Ron how to spot implicit biases and how to recognize the white savior complex and to avoid those books like the plague

“They’ll never tell you anything accurate when they think white is the golden standard” Hermione says derisively

When Ron and Hermione fight over their pets, Harry heads to the library alone feeling empty

5 minutes later Ron appears panting and Harry lights up

They both work in silence for a couple of minutes, looking up at the library door hopefully

10 minutes later, Hermione barrels in and says nothing to Ron and nods at Harry and starts explaining her research

With Ron on his right and Hermione on his left, Harry feels invincible

Then Sirius Black turns out to be his godfather and innocent and the world tilts on its axis

Bolstered by Ron and Hermione’s urging, Harry sends Sirius a letter, asking if he knew anything about the Potters’ Indian traditions

The reply takes a while

Long enough that Harry regrets sending it all

But when Hedwig returns with a letter 6 pages thick, he understands

Sirius’s letter reads: “God, Harry, how I wish James were around to tell you this himself. He loved his family and he loved his culture and he was so excited to share it with everyone he could - me, Remus, Lily and you. I’m not Indian but your grandparents took me in when I was young and shared their culture with me so I’ll do my damn best to educate and help you learn about your culture too. James was from South India and if you’ve done any research you’ll know that south and north India are vastly different. Even the South Indian states are vastly different. James’s favorite holiday was Holi, a festival of color and laughter and it was perfect for your dad but his second favorite was Diwali, the festival of the triumph of the Hindu God Rama over evil. It was a time for family, for food and for light -”

Harry folds the letter and tucks it into the album Hagrid gave him in first year

He looks back at the picture with him and his parents and the sparkler and says “happy Diwali, mom, dad”

Fourth year rolls around and after a summer interrupted by Death Eaters and Voldemort’s mark, Harry returns to Hogwarts and almost wishes he hadn’t

Hermione is steadfast at his side and he loves her for it but Ron’s absence numbs him

When Draco Malfoy says “we wouldn’t want a colored champion anyway” Harry feels like lead

However, a multitude of spells are shouted in unison and a furious Hermione, Dean Thomas, Padma and Parvati Patil give Malfoy painful boils and elongated teeth

“You’re pathetic Malfoy” Hermione growls, white teeth flashing on her dark face. “You talk about people of color as if they were beneath you but we’ve got more magic in our pinky than you have in your whole body”

When Parvati and Padma wish him a happy Diwali, Harry joyfully and confidentially returns the greeting and the twins beam, pleased

Ron joins him again and Harry feels complete

Hermione mutters “white boys” only for Harry to hear but her tone is fond and Harry chokes with laughter as Ron hugs them both

When Ron and Harry walk the disgruntled Patil twins back to their Common Rooms after the disastrous Yule Ball, Harry stops and asks them about India

Parvati and Padma frogmarch him to an empty classroom, leaving Ron to run behind them

Parvati looks ashamed as she says “we thought at first you didn’t want anything to do with your culture, not that you didn’t know”

Padma wiggles her wand and a black and white projection of India twists into shape

She explains about the colonization of India by Muggle Britain, how the Indian magical community in Britian had been forbidden from helping but she knew that the Potters and the Patils had both gone back to India to help the Muggle Indians, how India received Independence in 1947 and the Partition between the Hindu-dominated and the Muslim-dominated states that same year

Parvati takes over and explains more cultural events: the democratic parties of India, the different food and festivals and religions and languages, the different spiritual based magical system through chakras and physical movements

Something changes after that: the twins are staunchly on his side, hexing Malfoy and his goons when they pick on him and joining Ron and Hermione in the library when they can for their research on India

He goes to the kitchens to meet Dobby and asks for Indian food

Dobby gets so excited he immediately sets to work and Harry’s mouth waters as he tries the parathas and the sambars and pav bhaji

He brings Ron and Hermione next time and laughs out of sheer happiness as they all eat fried rice and raita together

Hermione grows closer to her roommates and Lavender giggles and says “we’re a dorm full of women of color, there’s nothing we can’t do”

Sometime between the second and third tasks, Hermione finds herself staying up late with her roommates and talking and laughing and allowing Lavender to do her hair

Lavender explains about her family: she’s biracial and while she doesn’t white pass, she did not inherit her dad’s black hair and she’s much lighter than most black people and much darker than most white people

Hermione’s heart aches for her and she says “you’re perfect, Lavender”

Harry then returns from the Third Task with the dead body of Cedric Diggory and news of Voldemort’s return

It is July 31st, the summer before Harry’s 5th year and he’s just finished opening his friends’ presents when a majestic owl swoops through the window and deposits a very heavy brown package on his bed

It’s from the Patils and Harry gapes as he pulls out two salwar kameez, one in red and gold and one in black. The twins have also included copies of old family recipes and a boxful of ingredients like daals and spices that he can’t find in the local grocery stores

He’s had no contact with the wizarding world for a while and no news about Voldemort so he sets to work learning more about his heritage

The Dursleys leave him alone at home for most of summer so Harry takes odd jobs around the neighborhood to pay for groceries

The kindly manager of Little Whinging’s grocery store comps his bill each time, despite Harry’s protests so he dumps half the money in the tip jar

He’s never worked with these spices or some of the vegetables before so Harry sets to work and after multiple failed attempts finally manages to make round rotis

He’s eating his roti and subzi by hand once, feeling closer to his dad than ever before, when Aunt Petunia returns

An unidentifiable look crosses her features as she sees what Harry is eating but she doesn’t say anything to him or to Vernon and Harry makes sure never to get caught again

He’s at Grimmauld Place and Sirius and Molly refuse to get along

Ron and Hermione brainstorm and come up with a solution: they drag Sirius, Molly, Remus and Harry down to the Grimmauld Kitchens and tell them they’ll all be learning how to cook Indian food

Both Sirius and Molly light up and Remus smiles as he sees some of the spark return to Sirius’s eyes as he shares stories of mealtimes with the Potters and the dishes he’d learnt from Mrs Potter

“You know” Sirius says “your mother was so determined to learn how to cook Indian food she stayed over at the Potters in December of 7th year after she and James started dating. Never spent a day with James and spent all the time learning how to cook with your grandma”

Remus adds: “I remember James was worried about Lily not being able to handle the spice but she loved Indian food, took to it like a champ”

Ron takes to cooking like an old hand, pleasing Molly immensely, while Hermione gets increasingly frustrated with the instructions to “feel the amount of spices”

The day Harry gets acquitted, the 5 of them - Ron, Hermione, Molly, Remus and Sirius - successfully make Harry’s favorite pav bhaji as a celebratory treat

The next three years are hard

It is no surpise when Umbridge’s targets are muggleborns and especially colored muggleborns and Dumbledore supporters

Hermione is told “not to wear her hair like that” so she shaves it all off and in solidarity, Harry, Ron and the other colored students of Hogwarts and white allies do too and they protest loudly and persistently

When McGonagall finds out, she is furious

No one knows what happened between the two women but Umbridge removes the Educational Decree the very next day

Hermione finds a spell to restore everyone’s hair but decides she likes her buzzcut and tries not to look too pleased when Ron gapes and whispers “you look so hot”

Neville tells Harry about his parents and Harry confesses to Neville that he’s worried that he’ll never understand his parents because he’ll never understand his culture

Neville wraps him in a hug and says “you’re learning about your culture and they’d be so proud of you”

And Harry hugs back and says “and Alice and Frank Longbottom couldn’t have dreamed of a braver, more powerful son”

Neville doesn’t quite believe him but Harry is certain - Neville is one of the bravest people he’s ever met

The DA and their high is short lived and soon Sirius Black is dead and Harry hears the prophecy: “neither can live while the other survives”

In sixth year, much to Hermione’s chagrin, Ron starts dating Lavender

Hermione is furious but Lavender had been a friend, had been kind to her and Hermione would never strike a fellow woman of color over a white boy, no matter how much she liked him, so she swallows her anger and sheaths her wand. No flying birds attack today

Harry falls for Ginny - fierce firecracker Ginny Weasley who’s had his back since he first rescued her from Tom Riddle - and dreads Ron’s reaction

Ron isn’t happy but he loves his sister and his best friend and tell Harry that if he hurts her there will be trouble

Later Harry finds out that Ron also made the same threat to Ginny - that Ron would not be happy if Ginny did anything to break Harry’s heart

Ginny had nodded solemnly and given her brother a proud look before crushing him in a fierce hug

Harry shares his culture with Ginny - everything he knows about it and takes her down to the kitchen and makes her try every single dish he can think of

Ginny laughs and says she’s going to get fat but obligingly eats everything just for the delighted look on Harry’s face

Dumbledore dies, Harry and Ginny break up and the war officially begins

Tom Marvolo Riddle Jr is dead - but so are Remus Lupin, Nymphadora Tonks, Fred Weasley, Colin Creevey and so many more that Harry couldn’t save

The years after the war is slow healing: Harry, Ginny, Hermione and Ron move into a small flat together in central Diagon Alley and they heal together

Hermione shows them muggle London and her own traditions and Harry cooks Indian food twice a week for his friends

Ron cooks every other day and Ginny somehow cons the owner of a new cupcake store into getting free cupcakes all the time and they sometimes cry together but also they heal together

Harry starts learning his mother-tongue

Two years after the end of the war, the four of them receive an invitation from the Patils

The Patils take them to India - they’re going to meet the Patil family but they’re also going to explore south India - specifcally the state where Harry is from - and Harry is so excited he can’t sit still

They Portkey to India and Harry’s eyes widen as he takes in the explosion of color, of unfamiliar sounds, of familiar sounds in an unfamiliar tongue, of smells, of the beautiful, vivid sights he’d only read about

He closes his eyes, breathes in deeply and thinks: home

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messer-quills · 3 years

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i am talking to you miss rowling

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messer-quills · 3 years

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No one is beautiful in death.

The cold grip of Death leaves even the most beautiful person ugly. It might be because our body’s beauty relies on our soul shining through, and once Death sets its sights on the soul, it will damage the body however it needs to to get what it wants. And who could possibly withstand Death’s violent grasp and remain as beautiful?

No one is beautiful in death.

And some might attribute that to death being for the old – for Death comes years after youth’s beauty has left a person with grey hair and wrinkled frown lines. But Death is not beautiful in the young either, because when Death wants the young, it must work that much harder to get it. Death leaves its marks.

No one is beautiful in death – except, James Potter was.

Keep reading

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messer-quills · 3 years

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draco: i'm going to say something that i should have said a long time ago

lucius: what is that?

draco: ...

draco: the wallpaper in the drawing room is really tacky

draco: alsoimdefectingtothegoodguysokbye

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messer-quills · 3 years

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first christmas’ eve at the Potter’s new home

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messer-quills · 3 years

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one of the reasons Lily loved James was because he could make the most out of every moment, even getting stuck in the snow on their way to Hogsmead.

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messer-quills · 3 years

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The Incident

(tw)

—

It was one day after the incident when Sirius Black found himself holding an ice pack to his, now swollen and black, eye.

James had wasted no time in telling Remus exactly what Sirius had done and what would have happened had it not been for him intervening in the last minute.

To say Remus was absolutely pissed would be an understatement.

He marched right up to where Sirius was talking to Lily by the lake, lightly pushed the red head out of the way, and swung as hard as he could at Sirius’ face.

He hit him with so much force that the boy nearly went flying into the lake, catching himself just in time as he clutched a hand over his eye.

The look Remus was giving him could only be described as murderous, and it sent chills down Sirius’ spine as he straightened back up.

Sirius felt his heart shatter right then and there as Remus flung curse word after curse word at him, not holding back in the slightest. Even as tears slowly started to drip from Sirius’ eyes.

Sirius had never seen Remus like this before —it almost reminded him of what he had imagined Remus would be like if he gave way to the wolf just a little— and Sirius never wanted to see this side of him again.

Sirius would rather be dead.

—

It was five days after the incident when Sirius Black found himself bleeding out on the quidditch pitch for the first time.

Snivellus and his band of Deatheater Slytherins had found him laying on the grass watching the stars with tears streaming down his face when they had decided to hex him. As soon as the first wand flashed, Sirius was in an overwhelming amount of pain.

Or at least he would’ve been if he hadn’t already felt so numb.

They stopped casting hexes and left when they noticed that Sirius was hardly breathing, all of them being too scared to stick around and get caught with hurting, or even possibly killing, another student.

Sirius hoped for the latter.

And had it not been for Dorcas and Marlene sneaking around past curfew, that might’ve been the case. They found him blacked out, blood staining all of his clothes with a deep crimson that reflected sickly in the moonlight.

He woke up a few days later with Madam Pomfrey beside his bed, bandaged up from head to toe. She informed him that he would heal up just fine and that there was no permanent damage. He simply thanked her and did his best to muster a smile, but there was no feeling behind it.

Sirius would rather be dead.

—

It was two weeks after the incident when Sirius Black found himself in detention for getting into a fight.

He had passed by a third year boy in the hallway and overheard him having a conversation about a certain werewolf and his suspicious new scars.

The behavior was so unlike Sirius that Professor McGonagall had to do a double take when she forcibly pulled him off of the innocent boy he was pummeling, nearly gasping at the sight of his emotionless and empty grey eyes.

She pulled him to the side, dispersing the crowd of onlookers the fight had caused, and stared down at him with a gaze that was enough to tie Sirius’ stomach into knots.

She wasn’t the first person to give him a look of pure disappointment.

James Potter made sure to give him one of those looks every single day.

He was aware that she knew exactly what had happened just fourteen days prior and he had fully prepared himself to be scolded by her, but instead she just asked if he was alright and if he wanted to talk about it.

Of course he didn’t want to talk about it.

Sirius would rather be dead.

—

It was a month after the incident when Sirius Black found himself having a panic attack in the middle of the Great Hall.

It was the first time he had been in there since Remus had found out what he had done, and Sirius just couldn’t bare the thought of sitting at that god forsaken Gryffindor table.

But he finally forced himself in, taking a seat on the opposite end of his friends, next to a sweet looking second year girl with blonde pigtails. She smiled up at him and he felt his heart clench out of guilt when he couldn’t smile back.

It was only when he looked down and saw that the food in front of him was none other than Remus’ favorite meal, that the air was viciously ripped out of his lungs.

It was all too much.

He started clutching his tightening chest, heaving, gasping, wracking for the breath that he suddenly couldn’t seem to get in through his trembling lips.

The young girl reached her hand out to him, concern pooling in her deep blue eyes, but he simply flinched away. Standing up from his seat, he weakly stumbled out of the Great Hall and into an empty corridor.

He couldn’t let Remus or James or Peter see him like this, he didn’t want them to think he was weak.

Sirius would rather be dead.

—

It was four months after the incident that Sirius Black found himself clutching his knees to his chest as he cried in his bed.

He was in the bathroom when he had heard Remus and James walk in, the two having no idea he was in there. For the first time in months Sirius finally felt an emotion other than heartbreak and self loathing.

“Do you still love him?” James had asked Remus.

“Yes.”

The one word nearly made Sirius scream out with joy, he couldn’t believe it. Moony —his Moony— just admitted that he still loved him. For one, brief moment, Sirius felt a small tinge of hope.

“But I wish I didn’t. And I hate the fact that I do. And I want to stop.”

Then the world came crashing down on him again.

It took everything in him not to break out into crying sobs right then and there, but he waited until they were gone and slowly emerged, staggering blindly to his bed.

The tears were stinging his eyes as he replayed Remus’ words over and over again inside of his head. He had forgotten what hope felt like and wished on everything that he hadn’t had such a small taste of it just then. Sirius would rather be miserable his entire life.

Sirius would rather be dead.

—

It was six and a half months after the incident when Sirius Black found himself staring up at Remus Lupin from the ground.

He was drained, hadn’t slept in at least a week and a half, hadn’t eaten in the past four days —he was getting dangerously skinny— and was hardly able to walk correctly. The dark circles under his eyes looked sickening against his tan skin, but he had long since lost all cause to care.

His head hung heavily between his shoulders, eyes trained to the ground, as he rounded the corridor corner. A weak huff pushed past his lips when a body slammed into him, knocking him down onto his back.

“Shit, are you alri—”

The boy’s words cut off as soon as he saw who he had caused to knock down, Sirius looking blankly up at him. For a second, Sirius nearly thought he saw a wave of concern flash over Remus’ face, but he knew it was just his imagination.

He turned his eyes back down, collecting the books that he had dropped due to the fall, and struggled to push his frail body off of the ground.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, nearly too quiet for the other boy to hear, before continuing his walk to class.

He couldn’t stand to wait around and chance seeing the look of disgust he had grown so accustomed to seeing on Remus’ face reappear. He couldn’t stand to see those pretty pink lips he loved so much curl up into a snarl one more time.

Sirius would rather be dead.

—

It was eight months and three days after the incident when Sirius Black found himself standing on the ledge of the astronomy tower.

His entire body was shaking —whether from the strength it took to stand or the wind billowing past him, he didn’t know— and silent tears were streaming down his flushed cheeks. His knuckles were turning white as he gripped onto the stone, the only thing keeping him in place.

He just couldn’t anymore.

He couldn’t wake up one more day knowing that Remus —and his other two best friends that he loved more than anything in the world—hated him.

He couldn’t go through another potions class watching Remus’ hands shake any time a Slytherin sent him even the smallest glance, sometimes even causing him to drop a vile altogether.

He couldn’t walk through the hall all by himself as the people he cared for most brushed past him like he was nothing more than a vapor, a nonexistent ghost floating by.

He couldn’t spend one more night staring numbly up at the top of his red and gold four poster bed, curtains tied shut, as he listened to Remus’ laughter.

He just couldn’t.

He couldn’t live with the fact that he had hurt the one boy he swore on his entire life he would always protect. It was all too much for him to bare and it was crushing him and the pain was just so excruciating.

So his hand let go, and he lifted his foot to step off the ledge, eyes trained forward to the waning moon in the sky.

Sirius would rather be dead.

And he would’ve been.

Had it not been for the pale hand that wrapped around his wrist just in time, yanking the weak boy back into the tower and into a firm chest.

Sirius could hardly stand, his knees finally giving out beneath him, his body only being held up by the arms wrapped tightly around his waist. Looking down at him, tears spilling out of his amber eyes, was a very heartbroken Remus Lupin. Sirius was confused, holding onto his consciousness just long enough to hear one sentence slip from the scarred boy’s mouth.

“I don’t want you dead.”

861 notes · View notes