megan-rambles

[megan-rambles]

April 19 2024

Probably one of the best birthdays ever, simply because I just had no expectations. At the end of the day I got love from the people I love and that’s simply all I could ask for. Everything is ok with my friends, I haven’t fucked it up. I wish I could tell a week ago Megan this!

29 weeks pregnant on my 29th birthday - so special!

[megan-rambles]

March 15th 2024

Struggling a lot to be present today even though yesterday I was feeling good. I think I can't shake the thoughts and feelings about missing out on social events due to coeliac, but I know it's not just due to that, it's due to it being so close to my birthday, the fact that I haven't had anything planned for my birthday, and if I didn't have the weekend off I would be working that day and exhausted from being pregnant. I am thinking about whether I would really want to go or would I be anxious about it the whole time. By going away (which is something I've been wanting to do for ages and I think it's a great way to spend my birthday/wedding anniversary) I don't feel like I'm missing out because it's what I would rather be doing.

I am now overthinking about whether I'm allowed to take it off (which I know I am, I have done the right thing!!), but I haven't had a Saturday (that wasn't a public holiday) off since December and it'll be mid-april by then. Or a day off for that matter and on that Saturday I still saw a client in the morning.

I think I fear losing friendships and isolating myself but I also need to only put energy into people that's worth it. I love the headspace people but meeting up with them when they usually chose activities that cause me anxiety and simply don't meet my needs maybe it's not worth putting myself through that. And in my experience whenever I've suggested a restaurant or we've gone to a restaurant that is allergy friendly they (well-one person lmao) just complains about it. I need to trust my psych that things will shift now that I'm expecting a baby and that I will be in a different community. I suppose it's just scary. Part of me wants to be social and see them but I also know that I do love my own company and need to fill my limited time with things that truly fill my cup, not cause anxiety. Ugh idk, but I am so excited to go away and I hope this will make missing out on that event worth it!

[megan-rambles]

12th March 2024

I was on a real high last week but I have crashed over the weekend due to a mix of multiple social events and difficulties with coeliac.

I am so proud of myself for advocating for myself at the cafe however I spent the rest of the weekend so frustrated that someone actually thought coeliac meant I couldn't have dairy (even though I said coeliacs which like a sever gluten allergy!!!). It's just so frustrating not being heard or taken seriously, I think what gets me is the fact she questioned whether I could have halloumi despite the fact I ordered the halloumi stack? Like sorry wtf???

Then I spent the rest of the day worried about getting glutened because with that response I couldn't trust the place. I haven't felt glutened yet and physically I'm feeling pretty good so hopefully it was fine. I realised also I probably shouldn't have ordered the bread because they may have toasted it in the same toaster as gluten bread, I could have asked but I didn't think so and honestly asking 101 questions is too hard for me right now, I just want to focus on telling them I'm coeliac. I worry and feel guilty about the affects of my baby, thankfully he's fine, still kicking away and heard his little heartbeat again yesterday but I can't shake the idea that my body can't do things right because of my autoimmune disease and issues with my period. I am so used to being frustrated with my body that the fact it's growing an entire human with minimal complications is astounding to me. It's also crazy that to most people 8 months seems like a long time to be TTC or the fact I had a SCH people act like it's the worst thing ever but I am so grateful that (so far) that's ALL. I'm still waiting for something to go wrong because I feel like maybe I don't deserve a body that works.

I also need to stop blaming myself for getting glutened or taking a risk. The only way I can stay safe is to never eat out or have someone cook for me again but that is not sustainable in a society where social events are centred around food. It's not my fault this waitress was ignorant to my disease, as frustrating as it is having to know so much about food when people can live their life without even knowing if rice is gluten free. But I did what I told myself I would do this year and I am proud, because not every time is going to go well and the times it goes badly just makes me more resilient. I can reflect and know for next time what I'd do differently. I'd actually like to start having more picnics with at least my close friends because I think sometimes people just eat out for the sake of it. I also know for next time to call a restaurant first (even if they state GF on the menu) and sus out their coeliac knowledge before eating there, and if it's not satisfactory just don't go to the event (depending on the people/what else I have on that weekend/my emotional and physical energy) or if it's close to a safe restaurant such as Betty's/Grill'd/Zambreros I can just eat beforehand, tell them I have "dinner plans beforehand but I can join for a quick drink to say hi". That way I can still enjoy eating out and yum food I don't normally get but I'm not stuck in a situation where I'm in a big group having to advocate my needs and potentially have a bad experience or stuck not being able to eat. I know usually when I go to these events I'm happy I went but I feel like this method is way less anxiety! But I also have to stay open to the idea that sometimes things go wrong and that's ok!

I then had dad/Aurora's birthday which I think is a little triggering because of their weird insistence on always having a non-gf cake despite half the family claiming they're gluten intolerant. I think with the bad experience with the cafe as Navin said it's "tiny little paper cuts" that lower my resiliance and normally just having ~an~ option was amazing but it was hard not having the option to choose which cake I wanted, or to have both. And then the icecream wasn't GF and then of course it got brought like yes Jane, I am that sensitive to may contains. Which then made me worry about whether dad's family actually make me safe food or not. But oh well I usually don't feel glutened afterwards and I only see them like every few months lol. But I just feel like if my in law's can manage it then clearly it's not that hard but they just hold the same gluten intolerant standards with me, the difference being I can't just "have a little bit"

I'm feeling a lot better today after finally getting a chance to clean and I am so thankful I only have 3 clients today. I am looking forward to going for a swim tomorrow and being back in a routine. We're meant to have group supervision this Friday which is a pain because it's already a late night and I have to work early on Saturday which is less time for things that fill my cup and it's exhausting managing the eating situation with my coeliac but Tiffany is apparently back in Melbourne so idk if it'll go ahead??? It's not too bad though as last time I just brought my own food and it wasn't an issue. I may suggest to Tiffany if we could get coeliac safe pizza or potentially from Mountain Fish (of course help out with the cost?) but I think because it's only once every 2 months I'll just bring my own food TBH. I have some tuna pesto pasta ready which is actually nice so I won't feel like I'm eating a sad meal or anything.

I think I've realised I need to space out my social events as much as I can, obviously on Sunday I didn't want to miss out on the uni girls catch up as that's been in the plans for months and obviously couldn't have missed out on dad's thing but I probably should have rescheduled my midwife appointment and Navin's thing until at least next week so that way I could have had a day at home to be by myself and clean. Although josh was home which although bless him sometimes after an exhausting day of socialising I need to be completely alone. But this is good to know for next time!!

[megan-rambles]

I just need to wait it out until mat leave, it is only around 3 months away or hopefully I can start to cut down before then because I am already fucking tired. I am glad to hear this is normal but o am so sick of my boundaries being crossed, people asking shit from me and constantly feeling like I have to be good enough when I’m fucking tired. I am glad I have already planned tomorrow, because I will be on auto pilot and my goal will just be to get through the sessions and the day. I am also so fucking tired of constantly cooking and cleaning and just always fucking having shot to do. On Sunday I am vowing to go to yoga and then just do nothing.

After mat leave if Tiffany can take me on for 2 days that are consistent hours that isn’t a Saturday I’ll do it, if not I’m going elsewhere that does or taking 12 months and going full time because I simply can’t do this anymore. It’s just not sustainable.

I was finally in a place where I had passion for this job and then that shit with the parents happened. I’m over it. And I’m over clients that constantly remain stuck and can’t change, I love working g with under 15 year olds most of the time but when they have no psychological flexibility I simply do t have the fucking energy. It’s exhausting acting like I care

My goal is just survival until mat leave. I know I’ll always be an ethical clinician and I’m getting more supervision but otherwise if clients drop out or my books aren’t full I don’t care because it adds to the same pay as headspace with less work at times, obviously more at times like this. I am hopeful new clients will slow down (eg only 2 booked in next week so far).

I know that 4 days a week of just clinical work isn’t sustainable for me and I need the mix like headspace or just 2 days and being SAHM. Maybe I’ll have more energy when not pregnant but I honestly don’t think I can work FT doing this until I’m done having kids. I just can’t handle pregnancy and doing this job

[megan-rambles]

I had no idea how hard balancing pregnancy and work would be. I thought morning sickness would be my biggest concern but it’s the fact I have so much to think about and focus on that ultimately I have lost passion for this job and I feel like it’s just money. Some clients I’m so grateful to have but I hate feeling like I’m not giving it all to them and being thankful when clients I’m stuck with drop out but I also hate myself that I wasn’t good enough for them and wasted their time. I feel like I’ve lost my passion but I can’t do anything else because I can’t get a new job while pregnant and I don’t think i can realistically drop down my days because idk if we can afford to

I realise a big part of my coping mechanisms that have helped me in doing my job is exercise but I’m mindful of not relying on that too much just in case I can’t do it. Plus I am so overwhelmed with the information on what I can and can’t do in pregnancy and literally everyone says something different. I don’t like feeling restricted on what I can do, sometimes I just wish I could get an extra coffee to get my through the day but I can’t. I had an extra coke today because today was literally the worst and I feel so guilty even though I know not was likely under 200mg caffeine.

I know not all days or weeks are like this and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day but it is a full day with another initial and they are always hard as I have to make a good impression.

I really need to utilise supervision and therapy as much as possible and potentially asking for a referral to a social worker unless I can be seen more frequently by my psych because there’s only so much supervision can do but I really need to reflect on my current scope of practice which might be more

[megan-rambles]

Jan 30 2024

I was so relieved to hear from Fiona after worrying that she was struggling to conceive and me being pregnant was upsetting, however turns out she was pregnant when I announced and she is now 14 weeks with twins!! Interesting my intuition to not message her before the announcement was right otherwise it would have been so awkward haha.

Obviously I am so excited and so grateful that we are kinda on this journey together, but then when I realised that she would have probably conceived pretty much straight away and it’s twins I felt some jealousy. I know my TTC journey is NOTHING compared to some people’s I think it sucks hearing whenever someone conceives straight away. Especially as our plans were so similar like TTC after our trips, while my body decided to skip periods again I thought it would have been just the stress of travelling and idk it’s just a reminder that not everyone is unfortunate as I am. BUT I did conceive after very minimal intervention and my baby is otherwise healthy and I’m just feeling really grateful. I feel guilty for feeling jealous, also because she said she was very sick (where I wasn’t really) and twins pregnancies are always going to have more complications. Everyone has their battles.

[megan-rambles]

Jan 1 2024

It seems everyone on social media is talking about staying home for NYE and it’s almost…cooler to be staying home rather than going out. I felt like it was the complete opposite when I was in my early 20s and I always felt so much FOMO and felt like i HAD to do something. It never helped that Josh doesn’t really care so never wanted to do anything but yeah I remember so many disappointing NYE, those NYEs with Daniel putting me down to the point of me feeling almost suicidal because I felt so ashamed of still working at IGA and being “useless”. I think because I am objectively so much happier with my life now, I’m in my dream job, married and pregnant that this whole thing just doesn’t phase me anymore. Plus being pregnant it’s hard to have New Year’s resolutions as this year will be so unexpected I will be taking it as it comes. The main intention will be protecting my heart in terms of how open I choose to be about my coeliac and TTC journey as I’ve realised how much I hate pity. Last night was a good example when I just walked away when Craig was going on about how he can eat gluten if he eats GF most of the day as I knew that engaging in that conversation will trigger me and it was not worth trying to be polite, and I don’t think he even noticed anyway! I think part time GF people annoy me the absolute most and I’m not going to explain why anymore, if I have to give a response I’ll just say “fair enough” and walk away.

For people asking about our TTC I’ll say “we were lucky to only be trying for a few months” and leave it at that as much as I want to spread awareness about how complicated hormones and TTC can be it’s also exhausting explaining it over and over again to people that don’t understand.

[megan-rambles]

Update, montes were helpful in answering my question and can accommodate me yay!!!!

[megan-rambles]

Feeling a bit stressed with this week, mainly all the social events I have to navigate at the end. Unsure if I’ll go to Ash’s, part of me wants to at least try and go home if I’m not having a good time. It seems likely that I may have to bring my own food to my Xmas party and I think I want to bring my own food to Ash’s too which of course is a draining experience that makes me resent this disease and I can’t really get out of it. I have been thinking like Fiona and Hayley are always down to do whatever when we meet up, it just seems to be the headspace people that always want to go to specific places. I'm torn between just sucking it up and still going to these events or fostering my energy in what helps me comes to terms with this disease and declining invitations that dont accomodate me.

i think itll be fine, ive cleaned and meal prepped for the first time in weeks today and im starting to get some energy back!

[megan-rambles]

28th November 2023

Omfg I was SO resentful and kinda…mean? Like why tf would Josh be not wanting to go out to spite you? He clearly loves you and just wants you to move in and is just in his mid twenties and that’s what he wants to do. I put a wedge between us by refusing to move in out of spite instead of communicating!! I had no idea just how horrible his job was at this time and maybe that was rubbing off on me but I always resented the fact I wasn’t ~valued~ at IGA but he didn’t care!! He loves you for you not for being a manager at IGA! It’s a miracle we survived this period because I was just so… self obsessed? Like babe, you were in Uni and getting great marks,IGA was a good enough job NO ONE CARED!! Why did I take my fucking life so seriously???

I suppose hindsight is 20/20, ever since I got my FT job at headspace, or even when I left to do disability I just did not care. Maybe because Josh was my boss at IGA and I felt inferior idk it really played into my head? I suppose your early 20s is dealing with this but MAN!! Late 20s is a different ball game but idk I have so much more capacity to just deal with shit. Idk maybe my struggles are more like it���s happening to me rather than I haven’t achieved anything but idk? Also I think I’m finally in a place that’s ‘good’ for 28, I have an AMAZING job, I’m married and I have Josh’s little baby growing in me. I’d only I knew that I would be FINE! These posts make me realise just how idk almost immature I was? I felt like I dealt with crap better when I was 18-19 vs 21-22 because by then EVERYTHING was like an attack to me. Babe you didn’t get promoted at IGA probably because you had a bad attitude! And no flexibility with hours (which is fine and needed but you can’t be expected to be promoted surely!!). It’s insane how PERSONALLY I took everything. Classic Aries behaviour I STG 😅 I’m so grateful I am at least more aware of this. The last time this was an issue was with Emma at work which was kind triggering but also like…I was on leave for 6 weeks and like I wasn’t 100% on a managers position and already wanted to leave so there was literally no point in taking any of that personally. Like I’m so glad I have enough confidence now to know that I’m competent at my job despite what happens and leave it at that! And also that maybe team leadership wasn’t right for me at that time and not something I see as my strength. But it helps when it’s as a psychologist and not a shelf stacker but god I wish I could tell her to just focus on your studies and STOP CARING!! I wish I could tell her to also go to therapy 😛

April 10th

It’s gotten to the point that when whenever I go out, especially if its a bit of a  lack-luster night and ESPECIALLY when I could have had a real banger of a night but simply didn’t because work is LITERALLY ruining my life I start to think about Josh’s Europe trip. Yes, the one that happened 2 years ago. I think I have to realise that it is fine to do things directly in the shadow of him, if I’ve been wanting to travel since I was 16, then I have to do it. I have to have the confidence that people will like me and that it will be just as good. Maybe even better. I still have a lot better social life than Josh does now, besides he doesn’t even talk to the people he met on it anymore. I think I just have to let go of the fact that he actually made the situation so much better, and I dealt with it a lot better than I thought I would, and better than I am dealing with it now! I think because back then I was only 19 and basically had my 20s ahead of me. I didn’t know how intense uni would be. I didn’t know I’d lose all my mountains friends again (well not the friends per say, but the group dynamic and the social life). It was made so much better by the fact I had Katy and that I went out heaps as well. I didn’t realise people would grow up. I think what I have to do is make a better effort to do things, and organise things. If I want to go out more, I need to organise things myself. I think its because everyone I used to hang out with is growing up, or they’re having relationship problems and it’s not actually my fault this time! It just sucks, and I think my relationship may be weighing me down somewhat, but it doesn’t have to. I don’t have to settle down yet, Josh isn’t forcing me to, nor does he discourage me going out. I think I just want someone who I can do these things with as well. When I realised how long it’s been since I’ve been drunk it’s crazy. I realise I’m growing up way faster than I should be. My identity has become about studying and my career, which is good but I miss who I used to be. I’m so stressed all the time that I just don’t even know who I am anymore. I used to go out a fair amount, but it seems it was all under the assumption that would continue or get better. It was under the assumption that I had Josh to do these things with. 

When Josh was my age, yes he brought a house but he also still went out quite a bit. I think it’s because I’ve realised I’m almost as old as he was when he went on a Contiki and it just seems so impossible. Like, I guess back then it was like “oh maybe one day”. When I started to realise that Josh still hasn’t done anything that ~wild~ with me, when I had moments of getting sick and him having to look after me, when whenever we went out he always drove, or he was too tired and wasn’t contributing I felt like I wasn’t worth him putting the effort in. On contiki maybe it was, or maybe he exaggerated how much he pushed through the tiredness. I suppose if you’ve spent thousands of dollars on a trip, and if you didn’t have to work for another 2 weeks after getting back its different to going out with your girlfriend I understand that. So that’s why I was mostly ok with it all. 

Honestly it wasn’t until the Newcastle night that I started to get pissed. Especially for my 21st and I even booked a fucking hotel for us to stay in he was all lame and forced us to go back at 12. I think he did drink a bit though, but it was clearly no where near as much. I guess it’s because he knew a lot of people at the Newcastle thing, but he knew a fair few people at my 21st! And he didn’t even make an effort to get to know my friends. Its not like he does this every week, I have to remember that. It’s just that all these ~wild nights~ he’s had in the past few years have not included me. Especially because they all occurred during the time we’ve being together. I just really hate the fact that I got the short end of the stick, but I also hate that he clearly just doesn’t see me as someone to actually have fun with. It’s clear he wants to settle down, but still go out with people who aren’t me. Its this horrible seeing your girlfriend as a ball and chain mentality that guys get when they are older. Instead of having fun with me during the last few years before ~settling down~ he had fun with these random girls and not me. So I mean I can understand why I ruminate on this so much, especially when I’ve had yet another lack luster night when I could have had fun.

 I remember in 2015 when he put me on the 7:30 sunday shift, and then when we went out he was pushing me to go home because he was ‘then you’d only get like 5 hours sleep” or whatever it was. I mean honestly with that I felt like he was stopping me from having fun. Like he knew I liked to go out on Saturday nights, why did he not ask me if I actually wanted to do those horrible shifts instead of getting me stuck with them? I was stuck with them for over a year thanks to that. I pretty much lost any trace of my social like thanks to that. And then now he doesn’t bother to go out because it’s all been there done that with him. Been there done that with other random girls, not me. He still has that bloody profile picture, which of course drove me fucking insane. And he’ll probably say that there’s no other good pictures of him or him and me. But after all that, he really didn’t have to change from that super nice picture of us to that horrible thing. 

I was just thinking though like I don’t think I’ll that upset when I leave if I ever go travelling. And that’ll be after being together for 4 years at least. We were together I think 4 months when he left, and I was distraught. Not because of the distance, but because someone was leaving me behind, yet again. because we had basically only just met and we still had so much to learn about each other. It was because we were missing our first valentines day and NYE. 

Anyway, I should have seen him last night instead of ruminating on this and not studying. Because now I’m trying to study and I keep getting distracted by this and I genuinely can’t focus on what I have to do. It’s almost apathy, I’m just so tired and I know I have a fucked few weeks ahead of me. I think I might see him after my exam tomorrow night, just so I have something to look forward to. And I tend to get like this whenever I don’t see him for awhile (another concern for when I go travelling, I know I’ll be worried it won’t be as fun as his was) but I think I have to realise that I’ve got to maintain self care. Someday things will change when I least expect it, but I think for now I need to focus on my uni work yes, but also keep my social life thriving, keep enjoying my relationship and keep hoping the future will be kind. I will be finishing uni soon, and i need to enjoy the good aspects of it. Josh will be back to studying soon which will be awesome, because we’ll be on the same level and there will be no rush for me. It;ll be a hard period for him and me during the next year, but lets just hope that another 2014 will come my way 💚

I will get through this 💪

[megan-rambles]

14/11

And almost 2 years to the day I am back about to do a CrossFit class. Am I insane???

[megan-rambles]

[megan-rambles]

April 20

Tough day with food comparison today, but I put myself back on the pedestal over the weekend so I’m disappointed in myself for eating so much today when in reality I ate enough to satisfy me including the play foods which were delicious and things I really don’t eat that often. I was very hungry and felt dizzy and unwell but even then I was able to stop when I was full and I actually feel really good before the gym now! I don’t feel starving but I don’t feel overstuffed and that’s where I feel amazing.

I just need to avoid triggers that make me compare my eating to other people. I need to stop watching what I eat in a day videos and reels. I think I also need to find ways to avoid triggers at work that make me compare myself to other people. Tomorrow we are going to buy lunch instead of having the sandwiches which will help with my comparison of how many sandwiches I have compared to other people.

I am ok. I try my best to eat healthy every day and I keep fit and I’m never going to eat perfectly (unless I want to binge later) and that’s ok. I’m doing my best.

[megan-rambles]

They all pulled through at the end of the day ❤️

I’m feeling so so grateful 🪴

[megan-rambles]

Was feeling really disappointed until people from work finally messaged me on WhatsApp which is making me feel better. I think again I just need to keep my expectations low, but at the same time I feel like I shouldn’t have to? I know it doesn’t matter but it really makes me question whether I really have as much of an impact on people or whether I’m actually a good person if I’m so easily forgotten!

Anyway, I am grateful for my family and that I’m still in a strong relationship with josh. I realise if we get married on April 10 then we will be on our honeymoon for my 27th birthday and I probably won’t be worrying about any of this at all!!

[megan-rambles]

April 19

Another year, another birthday.

Although I have a perfect day planned I still can’t help but wonder what it would be like to wake up to a billion messages from people like some people do. Sometimes I feel like every one has this but I know they don’t, and I am really grateful to be able to have the day off and I have a loving partner and I can do something I love today and spend it with mum tonight. I am grateful it is not lockdown again, although tbh it was nice to finally have a birthday where I didn’t feel like a loser for not going out because I physically couldn’t but anyway...

Birthdays are always challenging for me because of how much I compare my life to others but today I am in control for having a good day and I won’t let other people dictate how I feel if they don’t reach out to me!

[megan-rambles]

How tf is my mind still active!? Just sleeeeepppp 😡