may2022therevamp

[may2022therevamp]

I don’t even know what the tears are about (specifically) all the time now, I just know they hit me in the car on the way home tonight. It hurt me in my stomach- in this weird way, like out of body seeing myself sad, to feel hot tears on my cheeks and to be wiping tears with my sleeves 2 minutes from home. What a weird life…

[may2022therevamp]

I wish that my family could just like.. try more. Two of my sisters didn’t even get me birthday presents (which is weird? We all, always do? But ok) and on top of this being kind of an extra sad birthday I’m just like… why lol? And I have to keep in perspective that my family is so fuckjng absent that they really probably don’t even think about the fact that this was a particularly hard birthday for me.

Maybe it’s not about trying though maybe it’s just being more involved with my family since the breakup and the reality that over the last 5 years they’ve only let me down minimally because honestly my partners family was family to me and they’re so… attentive and caring and emotional. And cared for me and loved me so much. I had emotional distance from my family which worked because they don’t exactly meet my emotional needs and never ever have. And now that, along with my partner who felt like family, her family is also gone and here I am again, back with my family having to acknowledge the ways they let me down.

It feels like a really eerie familiar feeling to be feeling sad abojt my family again. Facing the reality that this is all I’ve got…. Ls family is gone, that’s not my family any more, and to have them all leave silently in this way that they have to is weird too. It’s not like you say bye after a breakup. But dammmmn does it feel depressing to be on my own with my family again.

I feel so sad and I’ve been fighting that since my birthday but I did text at least one of my sisters and call her out about it at least. Familiar af to hear a series of excuses. I just wish anyone in my family had enough brain cells to think hmm, she is going through the most miserable time of her life… and if I know amber it’s going to hit her on her birthday again. Sad. I used to think it was gonna be kind of a lonely empty life thanks to my family being the way it is and I let go of those fears and honestly that depression when I felt like I had started my own solid family through a solid relationship and it hurts like.. double to be here alone with my family agajn.

My mom wrote ‘it’s going to be the best year yet’ in my birthday card and I give her so much credit because I know that is her way of acknowledging it, and those few words are the most I’ll get. But I guess I just wished that everyone had more to say for some reason, as my life is crumbling around me in every capacity. I wish one of them would just acknowledge how shit everything is for me. My family is so good at showing up in the initial crisis but it makes it feel emptier when you’re 6 months out and it just feels like.. hello? I’m still struggling? Still crying myself to sleep once in a while? Hello? I have no idea what I’m doing and I am drowning most days?

[may2022therevamp]

Am I going to be okay? I genuinely don’t know anymore. Idk who I am, what I’m doing, where I’m going… I’m outta steam. It feels like I’ve already given up and i can’t go lower- already living where I am… but I feel worse. A lot worse. There is nothing in my life that feels safe or consistent. I am trying, tryyying to find home in my body. I think when I get there I will be okay…. But I’m just not there yet. I am going to work so hard to live in this body and find home and peace in this body, letting external factors feel less significant in good time…. But right now all I feel is stuck. Stuck and uncertain.

[may2022therevamp]

For the first time in so long, last night I was half awake with that racing feeling in my chest. Half awake, half asleep, acutely aware of the change- stomach anxiety is fleeting, but anxiety in the chest is…. Scarier. Exhausting.

[may2022therevamp]

that was when I knew her

your face in photographs unchanged

But unrecognizable

more familiar than my own even still

This body heavy with the weight of the unknown

A relationship with fear again, as I have found out

An after where I don’t even know you

not even where you are

A do-over I don’t even want

A weak nod to where I let you down

No access to an arm where we could even compare scars

not that either of us could keep count

a point against you with every doubt

a point against me for pointing it out

[may2022therevamp]

living by this

how are u so open & receptive to falling for someone again? i got my heart broken years ago & its like ive been closed off ever since :(

I just don’t have an expectation that someone I love is out to hurt me. I am aware that the possibility of heartbreak is ever-present, but I would be doing myself a disservice to expect hurt from someone I’ve never had a connection with.

I was just saying last night, that the reason I feel so comfortable loving new people is that I am secure in my own boundaries. My boundaries keep me safe. If I know that I will leave once I start noticing too many red flags, I am less worried that I will stay long enough to be severely hurt. I make sure my partners know this too.

You won’t feel comfortable accepting new love until you get a firm hold on your own boundaries.

[may2022therevamp]

“Be alone. Eat alone, take yourself on dates, sleep alone. In the midst of this you will learn about yourself. You will grow, you will learn what inspires you. You will cultivate your own dreams, your own beliefs, your own stunning clarity. And when you do meet the right person who makes your cells dance, you will be sure of it because you are sure of yourself.”

— Bianca Sparacino

[may2022therevamp]

I said ‘goodnight, me love’ to my mom tonight and it was out of my mouth before I remembered that was an us joke. I used to say that every night. Just ‘me love’ and our laughter. Still feels weird some days to realize that’s gone.

[may2022therevamp]

Still feels sad to not share good news with you. All the shit we encouraged one another on… I’m doing it. I wonder if you’re going back to school, too.

[may2022therevamp]

“The secret of attraction is to love yourself. Attractive people judge neither themselves nor others. They are open to gestures of love. They think about love, and express their love in every action.”

— Deepak Chopra

[may2022therevamp]

Tbhhhh I hope you felt like something was missing today, I hope the loneliness hit ya and you felt like shit

stages of grief are funny. anger is valid, even when it doesn’t make me proud

[may2022therevamp]

“As I look back on my life, I realize that every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better.”

— Steve Maraboli

[may2022therevamp]

It’s almost your birthday and I wish I could just forget I ever knew it. I can’t remember a thing but I always could remember your birthday. This year I wish I could accidentally remember 5 days later that I missed it, but the date feels so heavy in my body- I know I won’t be so lucky.It feels like you died. It feels like a horrible anniversary. I will wade through the day wondering if you’re thinking of me too, if something feels as off for you on your birthday as it does for me. Wondering if there are nights you still cry yourself to sleep or if it’s just me. Tonight it feels like just me.

[may2022therevamp]

dumb things that sting: the radio song we used to intentionally sing all wrong and sing it like that 10000% of the time coming on the radio while I’m in the office alone and it’s quiet

I miss laughing with you

[may2022therevamp]

September will be filled with joy.

September will be filled with love.

September will be filled with trust.

September will be filled with peace.

September will be filled with happiness.

September will be filled with blessings.

[may2022therevamp]

small steps

[may2022therevamp]

“Don’t fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things. The saddest summary of a life contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have.”

— Unknown