masons-therapy

[masons-therapy]

Having mental health issues is kinda fun because I'm once again just annoyed and tired of this shit. I'm like "Yeah I'm very replaceable and nobody likes me that much we already established that many times before. How about we spice things up a bit and are insecure about stuff I haven't thought about so much. Make me insecure about one of my identities. Make me insecure about being gay or male or some shit. That'd be way more productive because I'd get to fight thoughts that are relatively new and find solutions and coping mechanisms." But no, it's all the same shit over and over again. My brain isn't very creative.

#the bad thing is it doesn't matter how many times I think about these insecurities #they won't go away #logically I know they're probably not true #but my past experience tell me otherwise #it's hard to convince you that you're not replaceable when you've been replaced so many times in your childhood #edit: I also don't think that people would really miss me if I'd be dead #like sure they'd be sad for the first days or maybe weeks if they knew me well #but they'll get over it #I'm not that important #life continues without me #god I could use a hug rn

[masons-therapy]

Okay it's time for my first post on this blog. I realized something the day I created this blog. Because of my emotionally neglecting and abusive parents I never felt like I have a home, I don't know this feeling. There were times I got from school and hated the thought of returning to my parents, times where I went on a walk in the forest right after school just so I didn't have to be in this fucking house because it felt like a prison. I've never felt at home, neither at a place nor with another person. And that's probably the reason why I love Tumblr and fandoms so much, because it kinda creates the feeling like I'm at home, it's the closest to that feeling I've ever experienced. And that's why I'm always confused when people tell me they try to be on their phone as little as possible. Don't you like having communities? Don't you like engaging with your interests? But those people probably have communities in real life, something I've never experienced. I don't know what it's like to know people who support you and who you can talk to about problems and ask for help. I only have Tumblr, which I'm using as therapy right now, and fandoms, the biggest source of feeling at home I ever had. The two reasons I have a will to live at all.

#and do you wanna know what made me realize this? #do you want to know??? #a motherfucking supernatural edit #i swear to god #anyway I hope I'll find my home someday? #be it a place or a person #please let me experience what it means to be at home