marshmxllowfluffs-blog

[marshmxllowfluffs-blog]

did you know?

did you know of your feelings before that fateful night? if you did how long have they been there? if you did why didn’t you say anything? if you did, did you suffer? if you did... did they hurt you during those cold, dark nights when not even your girlfriend was awake to help you? and even she was, would you have told her the problem? would you have risked your connection with her for someone you could never have? 

that night is one i will always remember. my feelings came in hard and fast, seemingly out of nowhere. but i knew deep down that somehow, they had always been there. i don’t admit that i love someone for absolutely no reason. sure, i can be delusional sometimes but i never let those words slip unless i truly mean it. and yes, i meant them. i meant every word. from that letter to those times you would comfort me and saying those three words seemed more like they were by courtesy but no. i truly meant it, during good or bad times. 

that one night must be put aside. for your sake... and mine. did you know that when sea otters sleep they hold hands so that they don’t drift apart? you see we are kind of like two otters. have always been holding onto each other but just by a finger. a fine thread some might say. this may be because we both know that we can’t hold onto each other forever, that we could never truly be together... that we would one day drift apart. find another otter, one that would hold our hand completely. even if that other otter, would never make us as happy as when we were together, holding on by the tips of our fingers. 

[marshmxllowfluffs-blog]

spain without the s

this is about heartbreak. period. nothing more. 

heartbreak is to me, a bundle of emotions. a gift basket of feelings that sits inside the cart of a rollercoaster that is your heart and mind. all of that going on in the themepark of your body. 

childish interpretation huh? well heartbreak really does make you feel like a child again. the moment being as though the source of your joy is ripped away from you. your “ice cream being taken away from a kid” moment. 

first stages of heartbreak always start off the same. realization, shock some might even call it. you sit there numb, not knowing what to do or what to say, or even how to react. just pure shock finally seeing the true colors of the one you called your “everything”, your “moon and back”, your number one. either that or life situations decide to tear you both apart. 

hurts even more when they weren’t even yours to begin with huh? add that to the gift basket. 

so you cry. it’s the only thing you can do to keep yourself from going insane or fall down the hole of darkness where the open window of a tall building and all those pills look better than the next day you would have to face. you sob for weeks and months, externally and internally. you cry all the water out of yourself. you’re just a bucket of fluid at this point. you never even knew one human could cry this much. 

until one day, you just stop crying. not because you’re happy and moved on, no. you just have no more tears to shed, no more energy to even frown, your facial features empty, devoid of any emotion. from then on you try to cry to relieve yourself of the pain but it lasts 5 seconds. this is because you can’t believe how stupid you look in the mirror, red-eyed and puffy over someone who didn’t give two shits about you. who is out there living life as if the memories had been erased. how badly you wish it were you out there. 

heartbreak is to me is like climbing a skyscraper, while the whole world watches you. waiting for you to fall. and when you do, no one is there to catch you, because everyone else only sees you going over a speedbump, they can’t see the cuts you have from climbing everyday. only you can. 

and let’s be real, no one truly cares about your bleeding hands even if they have the bandages.  

[marshmxllowfluffs-blog]

silent humans.

The dawn was grey and cold,

Our morning texts now turned old,

They lay beside my bed last night,

Rivaling the rising run with a glow so bright.

A foot off the edge and my bed frame creaks,

With a glance in the mirror my sense peak,

“You’re still here” I think,

The ghostly embrace of your arms as I reach the sink.

Yet I know I’m fooling myself,

and this hoping in damaging my health,

Another day, another lie,

Another day my heart refuses to say goodbye.

Today we walk these crowded halls,

Only a quiet gust of wind floats pass,

While we shield the world from our wrong doings,

Because we are only,

Silent Humans. 

[marshmxllowfluffs-blog]

Goodbye (to the past.)

4 years into which I dived,

hoping our fleeting moments would make me feel alive,

yet it all was for naught with one message sent, 

leaving my heart with an irreversible dent. 

I’m sorry that others made you feel less than, 

I’m sorry that they came knocking down your door, 

with insults and accusations that made you feel unsure, 

whether to continue this hell or join the ceiling fan. 

our lives connected in the most intimate of ways,

and I would giggle about it for days,

yet I know those times will never come again,

because those times are now “just back then”.

you’re leaving me now and I understand,

if only i could have been a better friend,

just know one thing before you walk away,

you never truly “made me mad, even for a day. 

so goodbye dear friend, let us forget the past,

and look far ahead, to a place where we are not dead, 

because parting ways was for the best, 

the only way you could get some some rest. 

[marshmxllowfluffs-blog]

options.

my shell's breaking. cracking piece by piece. it's always been easy to cope with insults and criticism but there are just some days i can't take another hit. today is different.

the lights are bright around me. surprisingly i don't choose to sit in darkness today. i'm alone.. the usual. wondering what you're doing. we just conversed over social media, but that was purely by luck. i only had a second with you before you did that magic trick of yours.. disappearing again.

now here i am, questioning if i'm really worth anything. worth your time? are you worth my time? this couch i lay on is giving me more warmth then i've received from anyone in awhile.

you know those days that you try to be tough, as hard as it may be. yet the second you turn around, the room's ceiling fan and that spare rope are the new friends you want to make. that open window a chance to escape. that kitchen knife looks awfully shiny right about now. it would be better stained in bloo- no. no, you know you can't do that.. ever. no matter how much it hurts not to. those are just stupid options.

is this vulnerable feeling because of you? or is it because i'm just tired of wanting and waiting hour by hour. i hate this but i don't hate you for it.. i just want to talk to you. hear your voice, your laugh and smile before i lay my head on my pillow tonight. i don't usually get to do that.

[marshmxllowfluffs-blog]

physical pain?

it’s been a few hours since we last talked. no no it’s fine, i know you’re busy and i shouldn’t worry. you’re probably just studying, the light from your laptop screen  lighting up your skin. your latest online course choice reflecting in the pupils of your eyes. “he’s just busy..” that’s exactly what i tell myself every time i await that notification. 

but did you know..i got sick today? did you even ask how i’m doing? is everything alright? no.. you never did. no no it’s fine, you’re just busy..right?

is it true when people say that emotional pain can trigger a bodily reflex to create physical pain? no no, i’m probably just being dramatic. it’s maybe because i walked too much under the rain today. my bad, it was just comforting. feeling those cold droplets hit against my tan skin. like a ghostly hug. 

my body is in pain, my mind is spinning.. “i should drink some water”. but i don’t have the energy to get up. no one’s around to help me, my family is downstairs and i don’t wanna seem weak for no absolute reason. i’ll just lay here, on this beige couch, hurting away. 

*ding* i rush to grab my mobile phone, seeing a notification from..you. you were just telling me how cute your feline is. if only you knew how adorable i see you. i want to say it.. but play hard to get the say. i simply agree. 

i posted a rate me Instagram story.. you gave me an 8, i see. “beautiful wifey..” is that what i am to you? you know exactly how to make me smile again.

before you disappear into the night, your laptop screen glowing, begging you to come back..to leave me. it’s okay, go ahead baby. if only i could call you that.

[marshmxllowfluffs-blog]

late night images.

i see you. you’re in the corner of the room. your steady hands clicking away at the light up keyboard on your clean white desk. the screen of your newest computer lighting up the skin of your face. crazy how i have always been a soul-believer that computer lighting would never make anyone look so flawless. yet those rules don’t apply to you. 

you look just as stunning as you would under golden hour sun rays. how could i be so lucky to have you? how could i be so lucky to be here with you? knowing that i could just walk over there and slide my figure between your outstretched arms, wrapping my own over your shoulders, pulling my petite frame closer.. all that with no questions. no objections.

our forms would merge eventually, our heartbeats syncing and we wouldn’t even realize how many moments had passed since i walked over here. your hands skillfully work away, one comforting me by the waist and the other, absolutely conquering all of those amateurs playing the game with you. 

you knew i have been needing this and i’m sorry for disturbing your game play but i just couldn’t stand sitting idle on that soft mattress while you continued to look irresistible. 

the rooms around us are silent as everyone had drifted into slumber. damn.. it really was 3:25 am. 

“i couldn’t sleep alone..i’m sorry”

“it’s okay baby..i’m sorry for taking so long with this game. but thank you for this”

“for what?” i ask as my eyes slowly look into yours.

“for being perfect, being exactly what i need, being mine baby”

[marshmxllowfluffs-blog]

the truth.

you know when people say, “you can’t be into something you don’t know everything about?”

i beg to differ. i don’t know everything about you, true. then tell me.. why am i willing to cross thousands of kilometres if i could, just to be next to you? to feel you? touch you? feel the heat of your body next to mine? no sexual intentions in mind.

i don’t know a lot about you, true. yet i’m willing to learn..to open every chapter, present or past and study the contents. you may think i wouldn’t like what i find, but those bold lines in your book are what make me want to read. 

you’re always occupied, true. it hurts being patient. every hour, every minute ticks by as i await that one notification that comes from you. would i ask for another who could reply to me constantly? no. why would i?

because you..are you.  the way your simple words affect me..it’s terrifying, yet exhilarating. you make me want more. 

i have my own life and things to do, true. yes of course those things matter and i wouldn’t let anyone distract me from them but you...you are not a distraction. you are a choice. i text you because i think of you, i miss you, i want to hear from you. even if it’s the simplest “hewwo”, you’ll make me smile

so no, i don’t know everything about you. it doesn’t mean i don’t want to try and learn, no matter how difficult. would you give me a chance?

[marshmxllowfluffs-blog]

and i hope my favourite song never stops playing.

My Favourite Song

More often than not, i think about you. Your smile, your gentle touch, your soft sweet lips, and long black hair, and round dreamy eyes. And how it would feel to have you next to me, for just, one more time. The things I  would say to you, that i could not say before. The hugs I’d give you, that would be tighter than usual. 

You remind me of my favourite song. The way i fell for you, was like discovering my favourite song.

It was like listening to a song just a few times. I didnt mind hearing it, feeling the music there, paying close attention to the lyrics. 

Then, one day, when i hear it again, and i think to myself, “Wow. This is, hands down, the most amazing song, that I’ve ever heard.” The thing is, I always knew that it existed, always heard it playing on the radio, on my Spotify’s Daily Mix 1. But this one time, when I listen to it, it hits me hard. Something about it……..that i can’t quite understand, just gets me interested in it.

So what do i do? I hit play again. I listen to it, embracing the feeling it gives me, suddenly being aware of the use of the F chord, followed by the G, the A minor, and the C being played on the guitar. Being aware of the slaps on the bass, the catchy beats of the drum. Listening to every word being sang in the song, the melancholic tune, the way Luke Hemmings sings it with so much passion. 

I listen to it, taking in the beauty of the music, hitting the play button again, and again, and again, thinking I’m gonna just play it once more, but ending up putting it on repeat. 

I start to get addicted to it, falling in love with the lyrics, beat, the sounds of the electric guitar and the bass. I can’t get enough of it. It’s constantly stuck in my head, and all i want, is that song.

And to me, that’s what it was like, falling for you.

I knew about you for a while, from a distance. Just seeing you in the hallways, with a smile and a wave, to which I’d reply exactly the same way. Then i started to get to know you. We started to meet up, talk to each other more often, about every other thing we could think of, without keeping track of the time. 

Until one day, something about you, which i can’t quite grasp, catches me off guard. I start talking to you more, and more, and more, which is exactly like hitting play. And somehow, I want to talk to you, wanna keep talking to you, and as i do that, I’m actually putting it on repeat. 

Then i start to become aware of every single thing about you. The way you smile, with such warmth and calmness. The way you laugh, which easily kills any tension and lightens every mood. And the way your arms feel, when you hug me, which instantly lets me know everything will be alright. 

Then i fall in love with your eyes. I fall in love with your smile. I fall in love with your personality. I fall in love with your hugs and kisses. I fall in love with your strengths, just as much as I do with your weaknesses. I fall in love with everything about you. And I can’t get enough of you. You’re constantly on my mind, and all i want? Is you. 

So yes, to me, falling for you, was just like discovering my favourite song. 

[marshmxllowfluffs-blog]

the mistake.

dear heart, 

i’m sorry. 

i’m sorry for allowing idiotic little children to hurt you when they had no right to do so. 

i’m sorry for all the times i convinced you to accept someone who wore the mask of an angel..hiding the soul of a devil. 

it was never my intent to force you through such unpleasant times just to feel the warmth of another one’s love...having it be all but true.

i know other’s would tell me to stop and take a break..stop letting such an important organ in my body ache from pain, though it was never physical. 

please forgive my mistakes, regardless of the fact that i will be stubborn and continue to make questionable decisions. 

as they say, you will experience a million heartbreaks before you find the one that will pick up your broken pieces and help you heal.

but till then...i hope you can forgive me. we’re in this together..right?