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good morning gifs to wish your friends a good morning with.

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Simon Petrikov || Fionna and Cake Episodes 3&4

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The Courtship by Pavel Svedomsky

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my preferred type

blonde boys always lose an arm

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I'm not doing okay

It's currently 3 AM. Usually, this isn't an unfamiliar time of day for me, but right now, it's foreign and something I wish I wasn't experiencing. I'm scared, I'm angry, I'm frustrated. I wish there was more I could do, but all I'm capable of is slowly building my life and urging myself to succeed.

Thoughts race through my head wondering what my future will look like. Will my dad ever be able to walk me down the isle? Will he be able to see me graduate from Community College? Will he make it to the liver transplant? Right now... a lot of these things are looking like a "no". I'm devastated. You really can never prepare yourself enough to see your hero and most beloved family member in such a vulnerable position. He's so weak and is becoming increasingly frail... all in the span of a couple of short weeks.

I'm awoken tonight, at 2:30 AM, by the echoing sounds of violent vomiting through the walls from the master bathroom to my room; it really is a shame my closet wall is the bathroom wall. Now I can't sleep anymore. Not that my sleeping has been any good lately. Restless, on and off fits of weird, and often times uncomfortable, dreams have been plaguing me this past week and a half. I guess I can try to find the bright side tonight. At least I know I'll be awake enough to shower this morning. It's 3:29 AM and I need to wake up at 6:45 to prepare to leave for my classes and drive my friend to school with me.

Guess the early bird gets the worm...

I feel very... alone. I feel like I pissed my best friend off, just by talking about my textbook buying habits. I don't know how to talk or be around people on a deeper level. Even these friends, who have known me for nearly a decade now, are foreign to me at times. Sometimes I feel so selfish, like I don't pay enough attention to them. Sometimes I find it really hard to relate to them. They like to say I'm rich. I'm really not, but I can't ever say that to them because they just don't believe it. The only reason I have the things I do is mostly because of my brother, or years and years of saving items and things. From collecting hand me downs and taking advantage of every opportunity I can when I can.

Especially back in the day, when I lived in the desert and my dad was with Karen still, we struggled a lot. Karen would spend all of my dad's money. He was retired and got a decent pension, but that wasn't enough to support his child with a birth defect AND his selfish wife's spending habits; so he got another job at a Tax Man. Those years were really rough... He wasn't around a lot and the abuse I suffered from Karen was at some of its worse at that time. I only have the things I have because I played my cards right. I'm not rich, I may be fortunate, but I'm not privileged in such a way like that. Things are quite a bit better now, because my dad's new wife - my step mom - has her own pension. Which is great because Karen took half of my dad's in the divorce.

My dad... he used to buy meat on sale on the extra weeks of work during the longer months. He would store them in a deep freezer and use that to feed the family for the month until he could scrounge up enough to buy more again. He struggled to pay bills. He got angry at Karen for spending money they didn't have. But my dad is SMART. He worked his ass off and saved every penny he could to provide for his family and kids so they never FELT poor. This extended to me, even in his retirement. To say we're rich is an insult. I hate that my friends can so casually call me that because we play our cards right. We were never given a good hand, we just played the slow and long game, and put on good little white people smiles.

My dad shouldn't have spoiled me like he did. As I get older, the more I realize just how much that took out of him. The only reason we got the Oak Hills house was because he put his entire inheritance into building it. His dead father, who he loved so much, left him a small chunk of change and he couldn't use it for himself. He used it to build a house in a better school district for me and used it for my extensive surgeries. That money is just gone. Especially after the divorce... he never kept documentation of his inheritance he put into the house so that was never given back to him after the divorce. I struggle to keep my leg healthy because of how much he struggled to give me the medical help I needed.

We may not be outwardly struggling... but we're not well off. My stepmom, god my stepmom had it even worse than my dad did. She would collect cans from people at her various jobs to pay for her children's necessities and extracurricular activities. They would run the water on the lowest possible pressure and have lights on only at specific times of days because some months the bills were almost too expensive to pay. I shouldn't have to apologize for being "privileged" the way I am. It's not a privilege. It's the result of years, decades, of hard work, tears, and thrown away dreams. This isn't being rich. This is what sacrifice looks like. And now it looks like a frail man who shouldn't be dying as quickly as he is.

I don't know what I'm going to do with myself when he passes. As time moves on... I feel less comfortable confiding in my friends about the struggles I go through. I fear judgement. I fear being too intense. I'm just not built to interact with people, no matter how close they are to me. I can't control myself, I can't control my emotions, I can't be a good friend unless I'm throwing money at them. Even when I have no money to throw, I still do it. Why do I feel the need to buy people's friendship. I guess the answer is simple. I'm not good enough to have friends with just my personality and social skills. I need to have something that makes people want to keep me around. Otherwise... they'd easily see what a shitty person I am.

It's funny how I worry about my dad walking me down the isle someday... I don't know if I'll ever get married. I'm an awful partner and my mental illnesses, whatever the fuck they may be, are just too intense. I feel horrible putting people I love through my tantrums and indecisiveness. I'm one of those people that probably shouldn't be alive. I'm more of a burden on this world than it's worth.

If only my dad didn't put his inheritance into my leg. I'd much rather of killed myself years ago then grow up to be the person I am and see my dad in the state he's in now.

#I have never felt this way before #It's such a dark and hopeless feeling #worse than any depression I've felt #I feel sick to my stomach.

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#to use for later

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Remember when Steven Universe almost ended over Ruby and Sapphire’s wedding, but when the network understood how popular it was they continued the series for a movie and a spin-off?

And then She-ra was able to capitalize off of that success and get approved to have Adora and Catra kiss and end up together at the end of the series?

And then The Owl House was able to capitalize off of that success and was allowed to have Luz and Amity be canon love interests from season one?

And in the meantime there was show after show featuring queer main and side characters to rave reviews and success?

And we all thought, this is it. The domino effect is working. We’re making progress. And animation was the industry with the most and some of the best queer representation in all of visual media and it was only growing?

And then The Owl House got canceled with nothing to replace it. And Kipo and OK KO and Dead End and every other queer-inclusive show that had popped up in the meantime all ended quickly or were canceled with nothing new to fill their holes.

And now we have nothing left. And the trend that had been escalating for the past 10 years to create a golden age of queer animation has seemingly been shot dead with nothing to show for it.

Remember that?

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I'll be crying in the club for the next several months if you need me.

WHY DOES NETFLIX HATE INCLUSIVE CONTENT THAT ISN'T BORDER LINE CP UGH

This is what it's like mourning on this godforsaken site

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I literally stayed up all night making my various internet profiles prettier

I spent my whole night editing profiles and making a whole ass linktree. It was really fun tbh, and I ain't even mad about staying up so late. It's currently 7:48 am and I'm not even tired. I want to stay up long enough that I'll crash at a decent time and then feel ok to wake up by at minimum 6:45 am to prep for school wake up time.

Is my idea crazy and probably really dumb? Maybe. Will it probably work at the detriment of my mental state for the day? Absolutely.

Anyways, back to the creative crap. I wish I could figure out internet personalization better. A lot of it can be pretty complicated if you're not used to the formatting. I've grown up on solely my phone pretty much (Thanks again narcissistic mother) so a lot of the deeper tech stuff can get pretty confusing. That's the downside of a phones simple UI, it can become TOO easy to manipulate and get what you need done in a fast and efficient way. But with a computer, everything is manual and done step by step by hand pretty much. Definitely makes me regret not paying attention in all of those computer classes and HTML courses I took in high school and my first community college lmao.

Welp, back to the old grind I guess. I think I'm gonna hop back onto Toontown for now until 9 and then I'll "wake up" lolol

#tired but not tired #catch me going feral by the end of the day today #i want deez nuts

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constant drive to talk about my ocs but also the eternal issue of not being able to articulate my thoughts properly so just imagine that i am grabbing you like this. there are things in my mind but they are not escaping

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*looks into your soul*

"owo what's this?"

She gets it.

#Pluto #ilybby<3

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*High expectations are on there way to destroy me*

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Me at night when my dreams be bussin and/or poppin

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Blog day 1?

I haven't had an internet blog... like, ever. Not a serious one at least. A place where you can put down your thoughts with no filter is foreign to me from anything besides a pencil and notebook paper. I want to be able to write freely. I want to start off on a weird personal level that slowly devolves into fictional rants and stories. A place where I can vent my deepest frustrations and my darkest thoughts.

A scream into the void, if you would.

See, I've always fancied myself as a writer. From trying to write zombie books as a kid, to winning the young author award in middle school, and even as far as becoming a published journalist by high school and ending with proper dabble into the creative writing zone by my senior year. However, since the start of my college career... I find myself writing less and less. Which is incredibly ironic given the fact that my literal career of choice is to become a speech writer for politicians (don't ask why, it's a very convoluted answer lol.). So I guess this is my attempt of making a more personal and, admittedly, easier, way of hopefully embarking on a continuous stream of my small, and possibly insignificant, life for the internet to stumble across someday. It all feels very weird to be quite honest.

I'm not particularly the type to show my emotions to those around me. Call it years of traumatic emotional abuse from a narcissistic mother, but I just don't see the purpose of burdening others with my tragic life woes. Now other people's tragic life woes? BRING EM ON. I eat up other people's problems like it's a nutritionally balanced and well rounded breakfast on the first day of school. I live to listen to people and to help solve other people's problems. That can be great and all until you come to this point of wanting to be heard too. That's the catch though... how can you want to be heard, yet continue to be an emotional wall? These are the type of questions that have been keeping me up until 5 am lately! Don't even get me started on my sleep schedule, jeez.

Would you believe that I've been sleeping in until nearly 3 pm everyday for the past 2 weeks. I have classes starting on Tuesday this week and GOD it's going to be a pain in the ass to wake up at 6:45 am to get to my 9 am class on time. Maybe I'll just stay up all night lol. It's a shame though. My dreams have been so emotionally involved lately. I constantly dream of minor romances and deeply embedded plots. There's always chemistry between me and some person and there's always something large at stake that I'm working towards fixing or solving. My dreams can vary from zombie apocalypses, to dystopian government, and even to exploring deep forests and finding dead bodies. OH man, one of my most intriguing recurring dreams involves a vast cave system deep in familiar mountains. In this cave system lives a forgotten horror of people living within them. They're not people people though, and they're not mole people either. They're mindless, savage beings who hunt you down when you dare enter too deeply into the caves. There are two main parts to the cave system: the top part that is safe and accessible to the general public; and then there's the lower, deeper parts of the cave. Even from the upper level you can hear the screams and wails of these people.

Typically, this cave system may also be attached to a large facility that connects to it in odd and physically vast and deep ways. These dreams are honestly probably just a conglomeration of all the video games and horror movies I've watched growing up. Not to mention I've been to a local gold mine that's locally popular. That cave system is amazing and tucked away two miles into the Los Angeles Mountains. It's insanely dark in there, but it's astonishingly beautiful to see the rock structures and materials left behind in there. I've been to all the main access areas of that mine, but I'd love to go and do an extreme deep dive of the place. There's upper, lower, and middle sections of the mine, as well as an area that's only accessible via a flooded hallway. I'm talking like up to your waist level of flooded.

I want to go back there someday. My last visit was in October of 2022, but that wasn't the best or most memorable trip unfortunately. That trip, looking back at it, just makes me feel icky. What a fantastic way to jump into my personal issues again! There's a part of me that really thinks I shouldn't be with or around people on a deeper level than surface. There's something really wrong with me when it comes to being a deeper and more vulnerable person. I look back at my behavior when I'm around others and I'm just embarrassed at myself. I look back and see how selfish I am, how quick to become upset I can be, and how I seem to take it out on those around me or expect to be coddled like some infant. But when I'm alone. Everything is bottled up nice and tight until I can find the right time to let it out and cry to myself. I have panic attacks, and I have anxious breakdowns, but they're all by myself and I never get worked up because there's no one around to be worked up against. It's... peaceful, I guess. I really yearn for something more with a person... but when it gets too real I chicken out. I'll often ghost people that try to text me too often (or at all), and I hate that. These people aren't just romantic options either, they're people I want to be friends with. People that I want to spend more time with. But that's the horrifying and terrifying part to me. If I spend more time with them, if I get too close and become too comfortable... they'll see the real me, the person who can't hold it together. The person who's prone to self harm, struggles with not starving herself, has the most hideous of internal thoughts on her looks and their struggles. I'm not someone who should be with someone else romantically. And... I hate that...

Despite my ability to allow someone to be sexual with me, I think I'm really asexual. I like... the attention that sexuality brings in the moment, but I hate that that's all there is. I truly feel like anyone who wants to be with me only wants me for my body and what I can offer to them with it. That makes me fear sexual connections to a point that makes me socially awkward. It doesn't help that I have... ugh... the incel type of mentality that makes me think that anyone who is nice to me likes me. It's ridiculous because who would like someone like me? I may have a witty and humorous outer shell, but I'm awkward, and indecisive, and I get too giddy over stupid things and it makes me look ridiculous getting overly excited over small insignificant things. I've never been formally diagnosed, but I really wouldn't be surprised if I was autistic. I know that's the trendy internet thing going around, but it's not trendy. It's a fucking struggle and it's harmful to my life at the very least; I can't speak for other people's lives. I feel like an unlovable freak, really like I'm some gross middle school girl who doesn't know how to dress herself and says cringe things at all the wrong times. I feel like I'm the special girl in everyone's lives. Maybe I'm a narcissist? I guess that'd make sense.

#personal vent blog #idk i wanna keep this up tho i think #I like using tumblr because no one i know uses it thank god #except my besties #they're my wives #anyways yeah personal blog day one lets mf go

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true pain

me watching a cog i need to defeat fly away