magnificentdust

[magnificentdust]

all the things you do that i love

mau ngelanjutin tulisan yang udah gw buat terakhir kali cause i suddenly remember another things that you do

10. waktu kita makan sate jando pagi2 sama 2 temen kita yang lain, we had no plan at all but you were impulsively texting me “mau sarapan gak” and i asked “kemana” and you said “sate jando” i was hesitated for a while karna pada saat itu temen sekosan gw belom bangun and to be brutally honest i didn’t want her to come so i didn’t wake her up. lo jemput gw di kosan dan kita kesana bareng. and later i found out the truth that at first our friends didn’t know that you invited me too cause he said to our other friend “gw mau jemput dzikra dulu ya” and he was confused since i was never invited in your plan and you made an effort to pick me from my kosan yang notabene harus muter dulu but yeah i really appreciated it

11. it just happened weeks ago when you suddenly texted me saying that tempat eskrim favorit gw baru aja buka deket kosan lo, and to be honest i was shocked by your text but i didn;t show it so i tried to be biasa aja dan agak ogah2an bales chat lo but all you did was FLIRTING like that wasn’t the usual you. i was thinking maybe you just got a heartbreak so you let it all out to me but in the end you said “gw kangen bat sm lo jik” and my heart stopped for a while. that words finally came out from you. but i know i shouldn’t put my expectations too high since you ghosted me ever since

i’ll be back with another stories from you kalo gw inget since i want to keep this in my fond memories

[magnificentdust]

i’m writing this cause i’ve been missing you since the last time we met

gw cuma mau ngelist hal-hal kecil apa yang udah lo lakuin ke gw tapi it totally means a lot to me and i always remember it since then and i don’t want to forget it, so here we go:

1. hal paling top tier yang lo lakuin ke gw adalah saat dimana gw emang lagi sering-seringnya ngabisin waktu sama lo tahun 2019, dan ada suatu momen dimana gw nangis akan suatu hal (dan posisinya lo sama gw abis dari stasiun) i suddenly burst out into tears pas di motor, dan lo minggirin motor lo sebentar and you let me cried on your shoulder bener-bener beberapa menit i cried in slience dan lo nungguin gw sampe berhenti terus bilang “udah nangis nya? mau makan sekoteng ga?” and for a friendly reminder we had no strings attached you treated me like that as a friend :( lo akhirnya bawa gw ke tempat sekoteng yang ternyata gak buka, and we ended up keliling bandung sampe midnight dan pas nyampe di kosan, i realized i already grown feelings for you dan gw blatantly bilang kalo gw gamau pulang dan mau terus main sama lo and you said “gapapa, nanti kita ketemu lagi” and fortunately we did

2. bener-bener di hari terakhir kita ketemu di 2021, waktu kita pergi nonton bareng-bareng, i burst into tears (again) kayanya emang gw sering banget deh nangis di depan lo. i cried because i’m afraid of missing my friends dan gw juga bilang gw takut kangen lo and i asked you if it was okay to call you sometimes and you said it’s fine (and it turns out to be bullshit cause we’ve lost contact since then) dan gw nanya ke lo kira-kira kita bisa ketemu lagi gak ya even kita udah lulus, kerja, dan sukses and you said “gw bakal nyari lo kemanapun sampe ketemu” and to be frank, my heart hurts hearing that knowing that i have no idea if you really meant it or not

3. waktu gw diem2an sama salah satu temen kita and i had no friends to eat with dan gw ngechat lo nanya lagi dimana dan lo bilang lagi bulutangkis dan gw nanya lo mau makan apa ngga dan lo bilang mau and you asked me to wait til you finish and 2 hours later lo nyuruh gw buat siap2 and we finally went out just the two of us, gw gatau mau makan apa sampe akhirnya kita keliling bandung dari bawah sampe lembang dan ujungnya kita makan di dago atas setelah muter hampir 2 jam and when we arrived i just found out kalo ternyata pulang bulutangkis tadi lo udah makan and you just said yes to ajakan gw meskipun lo udah makan sebelumnya, it really means a lot

4. dan pas pesen makanan, kita mau pesen suki tapi bingung mau pesen pake daging atau ayam cause i don’t really like meat but i said it’s fine since i know you love meat so much jadi gw bilang gapapa kalo mau pesen daging since i still can tolerate it but you insisted on choosing chicken instead of meat since you know i’m not a big fan of meat omg how am i just realizing it now

5. remember when we talked about the love language thing and someone asked me what my love language is and i said ‘quality time’ and i asked you what’s yours and you answered ‘karna love language lo quality time gw juga quality time deh’ like i’ve said before, my heart hurts hearing it since i know that you didn’t really mean your words

6. i heard from one of our friend kalo waktu lo pergi sama dia, lo ngerokok. and i also knew that you’ve done it since high school, tapi sepanjang yang gw tau lo udah ga ngerokok sekarang (or maybe occasionally) makanya gw agak kaget pas denger kalo lo ngerokok lagi dan pas kita ngobrol berdua, you blatantly said that you hate bitter things such as cigs yang justru bikin gw kaget cause as far as i remember our friend said lo ngerokok? so i was making sure dengan gw bilang “gapapa kalo lo mau ngerokok sekarang, ngerokok aja. gw gamasalah.” and you answered “gw gamau, dzik. gw gasuka hal-hal pait kayak rokok dan kopi. kalo gw bisa ga ngerokok, gw lebih milih ga ngerokok.” and somehow i really appreciate how you don’t want to make me uncomfy with you smoking but to be frank i don’t really mind it cause i also smoke occasionally kok ehehe maaf gw ga jujur juga cause i don’t want you to see me differently if you know the truth

7. on my last birthday, you greet me a happy birthday. i know it’s not really your thing dan gw juga gatau lo tiba-tiba inget ultah gw apa gimana but i was really happy cause it really means a lot. di umur gw yang sekarang, gw udah ga ngarepin banyak ucapan ulang tahun dari orang lain cause i also barely remember other’s birthday, tapi ucapan dari lo really made my day. those 4 bubbles with the memes made me smile from ear to ear bahkan gw sampe nangis saking senengnya

8. i’m also very glad that i’m able to be the first one hearing all of your story; about your breakup; about your dad; i know that you are not the type of person who tells you story a lot tapi gw seneng karna setiap kita ngobrol, you always talk a lot about yourself, your family, your friends. i guess that’s also what makes me fall in love with you cause i love the way you tell me everything about you

9. i don’t know if you’re into physical things with other girls, but i really love how you never hesitant on doing it with me. lo gapernah masalah kalo gw nyender di bahu lo cause sometimes you also do the same, lo gamasalah kalo gw masukin tangan gw ke saku jaket lo pas gw kedinginan, lo gamasalah pas gw ngelus rambut lo yang gondrong cause i hate it (but i kinda miss it now), lo juga gamasalah pas gw secretly hold your hand (well not directly cause i hold on to your jacket or shirt), tapi intinya i really love the way how you always make sparks to my stomach everytime we touch

dan masih banyak lagi kayanya small things that you did yang gw sekarang ga inget tapi mungkin nanti bakal keinget. selama ini i always ask for cowok au type of guy to be my boyfriend/husband without realizing it, cowok yang gw suka juga udah mirip banget sama karakter au yang gw baca. i know i wasn’t kidding when i said that among those 23 nct members, i’d still choose you over them cause they might win in looks and wealth but you’re actually everything i need

[magnificentdust]

hari ini mungkin jadi hari terakhir kita ketemu gak sih?atau mungkin bakal ada hari lain? gw gatau tapi yang jelas hari ini gw sediiiiiiihhhh banget. ngeliat muka lo disaat gw tau gw udah bakal susah banget ketemu lo tuh rasanya gw mau gila. gw nangis sampe gaberenti cuma karna gw gasanggup mikirin kalo gw bakal ngejalanin hari tanpa lo lagi. besok2 gw bakal ngejalanin hari dengan perasaan kangen lagi. IT SUCKSSSSS sumpah how am i supposed to go through the days without you and your stupid jokes anjiiiiiiiirrrrr my life is already miserable enough please dont make it harder by your absence😭😭

anyways, i AM SURE that you are really the one. i know how i am feeling right now but yeah, this is getting deeper. i already in the stage of loving you instead of liking you cause every time spent with you, i feel like i need the clock to stop ticking.

[magnificentdust]

after a long time talking shits with english, this time i decided to write in bahasa since i knew that this is the safest place (kemala kalo kamu baca ini jangan bilang siapa2 plis hehe)

buat orang yang sekarang gw bicarain, mungkin gw bakal ngasih tulisan ini ke lo 3- 5 tahun dari sekarang (kalo gw masih inget wkwkw) this is a letter for you.

pertama kali ngeliat lo di itb kayanya jaman earth day deh yang pas kita keliling nyari jabum pos to pos gitu jaman dulu i still simp for your friend (HAHAHAH GA KAPOK KENA FRIENDZONE) terus pas ngeliat lo di suatu pos sama hamcu gw lgsg kayak “omg sejak kapan aja cowok secakep ini di fitb” HAHAHAH GELI

hari itu gw akhirnya tau nama lo, setelah hampir setaun kita sefakultas iya kayanya gw ansos banget deh fix hehehe tp gapapa ujung2nya sejurusan juga kan

awal sejurusan gw belom terlalu deket sama lo juga sih ya karna gw masih sibuk dealing with my sadness abis dimusuhin sm temen lo wkwkwkw tapi osjur really brought us closer. thanks to per nebeng2an abis latfis atau makan abis sidak, gw jadi bisa sering bareng lo and i guess that’s how it was started

cuma gw gapernah ambil pusing karna the point is gw nyaman aja tiap bareng lo. gw gapernah menyalah artikan rasa nyaman itu karna gw mikir wajar gaksih sm temen kayak gitu??? cause i feel the same with the others too apalagi pada waktu itu lo masih punya pacar soooo yeah gw anti suka sama pacar orang WKWKWK

mungkin mantan lo bakal marah abis deh sama gw karna hampir setiap hari cowonya nebengin gw mulu kemana2. i didn’t realize it at that time. gw cuma mau sama lo karna dulu gw mikir lo baik dan sangat easygoing jadi enak diajak ngobrol, tapi setelah dipikir kayanya emang dasarnya gw mau bareng aja terus sm lo (OMG I CRINGED SO HARD)

long story short, semester 5 akhir, somehow kita kok jd deket banget ya!!?? nongkrong bareng mulu, belajar bareng, jemput2 mulu. and you told me about your breakup with your ex wow seorang lo yg hidupnya bercanda mulu akhirnya mau curhat deeptalk sampe jam 1 pagi di ayam goreng madu DU terus lanjut depan kosan gw??? guess who started growing feelings here

tbh gw masih ingetttt bgt setiap momen bareng kita wkwkwk kenapa ya kok kaya memorable bgt gitu. yang kita ujan2an terus neduh jongkok dipinggir jalan pake 1 ponco berdua terus lo cerita tentang masa kecil lo yg malu2in, yang kita skip lpj bph abis basket di pasaga terus malah makan sate pasang du sampe diusir abangnya, pas lo ngajak gw keliling bandung gara2 gw nangisin ibah di stasiun terus kita ke sekoteng bangkok tapi gabuka, yang kita nongkrong di cincau berdua sampe malem abis musangan, gw masih inget banget ih kenapa ya se memorable itu kah momen berdua bareng lo!!?

terus tbtb corona deh ANJINGGGGG EMANG kalo kita kayak gitu terus sampe sekarang tingkat akhir mungkin gak sih lo sama gw!!!? WKWKWKW mana kita bareng terus kan jaman inisiasi, dikit2 minta bangunin sama gw kalo mau rapat, dikit2 telfon gw kalo anaknya susah dihubungin, dikit2 ngepap+ngechat gw tiap lo ngantuk kalo rakbar, guess who started to grow BIGGER FEELINGS here

tapi inisiasi kelar kita jadi jauh gitu kenapa ya!!? lo ga kangen gw apa!!? biasanya tiap malem ngechat ngata2in terus abis itu 3 bulan blas gaada kabar, tapi mon maap yg disini agak kangen tuh gimana ya solusinya!??

untungnya akhir taun kita sama2 ke bandung. ya things were different, lo ga nebeng2in gw lagi pdhl GW MUPENG BGT TAU GAKK!?? ya gila aja anjing gw hampir setaun ga ketemu lo masih untung lo gak gw peluk pas kita pertama ketemu!!?

lo mau tau gak yg lebih anjing?? h-berapa gw balik ke jakarta, pas kita bakar2an di kontrakan ekap. gw harap lo inget sih betapa NYEBELIN nya lo. nyender di punggung gw sambil maen gitar, rambut gondrong lo sampe nyentuh pipi gw. ada kali sejam kayak gitu, lo nyanyi2, gw curhat sama dziki padahal perut gw rasanya udah kayak lagi ternak kupu2.

terus kembali lost contact pas gw balik ke jkt dan lo ke malang. terakhir chat intens h-1 sidang karsam karna kita sekelompok dan sama2 keos jadilah curhat2an. tau gaksih gw ngerasa KANGEN BGT PAS ITU TP GW GENGSI MAU NGOMONG HAHAHA pas lo ngechat duluan tuh rasa pusing gw gara2 qgis notresponding tuh lgsg ilang jadi kayak “YAALLAH INDAH BGT INI PROBLEM SET”

eh tp selesai karsam udah byeeee bgt ya kita. ngechat sekali dua kali basa basi apa tau gw lupa. pas lebaran gw minta maap ke lu eh bisa2nya lu nanya gw masih mau ape kagak sama lu, YA MAU LAH ANJING LO GATAU EVEN JUNG JAEHYUN AJA GABISA NGEGANTIIN LO!!?

hari ini gw dapet kabar duka dari lo, gw gasanggup. bukan gw yg ngalamin tapi gw nangis kejer banget. apa level sayang gw udah sedalem itu ya sampe seolah2 i can feel ur pain too? gw bener2 ngerasa fail jadi seorang temen. as someone who cares about you MORE THAN THE OTHERS, I SHOULD’VE MADE BIGGER EFFORTS tp yg gw lakuin cuma nangis sambil ngirimin pesan berduka cita ala template. gw gabisa nyamperin lo ke malang buat meluk lo kan??

gw cuma berharap lo senantiasa sehat, jangan lupa makan dan istirahat. gw pengen lo tau kalo lo selalu punya gw kapanpun lo mau ceritain isi hati lo kaya dulu lagi. if you think that the world is turning its back on you, just know that i ain’t going nowhere. gw bakal selalu disini as ur friend, and making sure you’ll feel better because tomorrow will be better days for sure.

please hang in there and stay strong cause i can’t afford to lose you anymore. kalo lo gabisa jadi lebih dari temen buat gw, at least stay being my friend until gatau kapan mungkin sampe lo ubanan dan gw gaada giginya hehehe

gw nulis ini tanggal 3 agustus 2021 jam setengah 1 pagi. mungkin nanti lo baca ini tahun 2024, 2025 atau 2026 gatau deh. mungkin lo nanti baca ini sama anak istri lo, atau sama tunangan lo, atau mungkin sama gw? HEHEHE ngarep

udah gitu aja. sebenernya masih banyaaaak lagi yang pengen gw ceritain tapi mudah2an gw masih bisa ngomongin ini secara langsung deh ya hehe good night and always knew that i still like you since the first day we met😊😊

[magnificentdust]

today, august 2nd 2021, you lost your loved ones, and there’s nothing i can do to cheer you up.

i feel like i already failed to be your friend. we haven’t been talking since months and i never knew that you were sick, i never knew that maybe sometimes you need someone to talk to, and i wasn’t there as your friend.

at this moment, i really wanna hug you, telling you that everything is going to be fine cause i know you’re strong enough to face it. i just want you to know that no matter how hard it is for you, you can always come to me to talk about all your feelings like we used to.

it’s okay to cry. but don’t forget to wipe your tears because tomorrow will be a better day for sure.

sending you love and prayers from jakarta to malang❤️❤️❤️

[magnificentdust]

a dream

last night i dreamt about you. an unpredictable dream. out of so many kpop boys i simped for, why it has to be you? a regular man who never even give any sparks for me these few months.

i dreamt of you holding my hand, promising me that you will buy me a pair of shoes next week. not to be dramatic, but i really felt so pathetic.

it’s like i’m really craving for your presence now. i almost succeeded in ‘forgetting’ you for a while, but if you constantly keep coming into my dream like last night, who can guarantee that i can keep on forgetting you in the future?

guess i’m denial, for telling everyone that i’m not into you anymore. but this morning, i found myself crying. crying about how sucks the situation is right now, crying about how i still feel the excitement when i looked into your eyes (even only in my dream), crying about there’s nothing i can do about it.

i already stopped praying for you, for your health, for your happiness. i was angry. i almost felt like you really didn’t deserve all those prayers. why did i do all the prayers if i’m the only one praying and you didn’t even know about it?

but when i dreamt of you last night, i realized something. maybe deep inside my heart, there is still some place for you that can’t be replaced. no matter how hard i tried to distract myself from thinking about you, you were still there, waiting for my prayers.

so here i am, back to my habits. praying for you, hoping you always feel happy no matter where you are, because you really deserve all the happiness in this world.

[magnificentdust]

should i?

i really wish things were different. i wish your existence never gives any kind of impact on me. i wish your words didn’t give any butterflies in my stomach. i wish the way you treat me with your kindness didn’t mislead me to this wonderful yet pathetic feelings. 

there is a little bit of regret inside me knowing that things would go down like this. even though i’ve seen this coming and i know that this is the risk i should take the first time i make my decision, but i’m still not ready. and probably never will.

the thought of having you as my own has never crossed in my mind at all, because i know that’s how it’s supposed to be. i never expected any kind of relationship between us because once again i know my place.

i don’t know since when this feelings creeped me out every night. it really feels suffocating. i feel like in some time you will leave me behind and never getting back at all. somehow i don’t like seeing you having fun with other person and not including me on it. is it toxic? yes it definitely is. and i don’t know since when this questions been crawling on my mind. i don’t know since when i feel disturbed with it.

it’s been days since the last time we talked. it really isn’t a problem at all. but somehow i got this feeling that it probably will go on like this in the future and i know it’s time to be prepared.

if this is really the time for me to let go of this feelings, i’ll make sure i was ready, and i hope someday i will.

[magnificentdust]

the art of letting go

sometimes, you really wish that certain person was truly your one and only. you don’t want anybody else, just this person. it’s totally fine because whenever you’re with this person, you’re just become your true self, showing the m what you really are and tel them what you really feel. and sometimes you also feel the happiest moment in your life when they’re around.

but little did you know that this person is only a person. no matter how much you put your expectation in them, they’re still a person. a person who has a certain feeling. you can’t control them, you can’t make them be a person that you truly want because once again, they’re just a person.

the higher you put your expectation in them, the chance of you getting hurt is also higher. why? because they can’t always be a person that we always create in our mind, they can’t always give us happiness like the ones in our dreams, they can’t always be there whenever you need a shoulder to cry on, because they’re just a person, and they also have a world that they live in.

how to overcome the dissapointments that we get everytime the ecpectation doesn’t meet the reality? one of them should be: letting go. these two words might be suck to be through, but that’s the point of it. you wouldn’t taste a true sweetness in your life unless you’ve been through a bitter one. letting go seems really hard to do because it means that you’ll’let a part of your world spinning around without you anymore. it means that you’ll see your half spirit fly away without your shadow following them. it means that you’ll have to live your everyday life without being able to dream about this person anymore.

the more you hold on to a person, it’s easier for them to slip away. it’s like the sand analogy. knowing the risks that you might get when you hold on to one person, should make you realize that ready or not, they will go away at any times. but that’s the art of letting go, you will never understand the true meaning of loving someone unless you let them go.

[magnificentdust]

[magnificentdust]

https://www.instagram.com/p/BvxAcXRFpTZ/

[magnificentdust]

[magnificentdust]

In the Land of Ever Mists.

[magnificentdust]

Sometimes when I look at you, I feel I'm gazing at a distant star. It's dazzling, but the light is from tens of thousands of years ago. Maybe the star doesn't even exist any more. Yet sometimes that light seems more real to me than anything.

— Haruki Murakami

[magnificentdust]

it’s been a long time since we talked to each other doesn’t it? i mean in person, not through phone calls, or chats, or video calls. yeah time really do us apart and yeah it feels really sucks tho. but yeah what else can we do?

i’m really glad that you’re doing really well. in the middle of this chaotic events, you still maintain to catch me up with your annoying jokes. but really honestly, this is getting unbearable, knowing that we are still ‘close’ even though we don’t. knowing that you are still ‘there’ even though you’re not there. knowing that i still miss you like crazy even though i know you don’t.

where did all those good times go? feels like we only spent it yesterday, and suddenly 6 months has passed. all those late night talks, dinner, and snacks. all those laughters and joys. all those rainy days we spent together. why can’t i never get all those memories out of my head? why did everytime that i spend with you feels so memorable?

in this hectic days, i know that one thing i really need the most is to see your face in person. mocking your ugly hair which is getting uglier each days. strolling around Bandung at night and ended up eating Indomie as dinner. i really need all those moments right now because i really feel that half of my spirit is starting to get away from my body. because yes, the thought of missing you is getting unbearable. even a simplest gesture from you means so much for me.

[magnificentdust]

friend

we were friends, and we will never be more than that. not that i say that it will never happen, but it would rather be easier that way. i can never imagine how my life would be without you. even you’re not always by my side, but i know you’re always there, ready to hear all those midnight thoughts in my head and laugh at my stupid jokes. i always love the fact that you are my friend, because there will be more time to be spent together. but i also hate the fact that we were just friend because it means that i can’t say i love you in other meaning, just “i love you” as a friend. i don’t know if you also like this friendship as much as i do, but honestly you came to my life is one of the greatest gift from God. like you really came to my life as who you are and make me fall for you not just for your good-looking face, or your nice outfits, or your sweet talks, but you make me fall for your personality, your sense of humor, your way of saying something, your taste in food, and our never ending talk. as simple as that. i really want to tell you all of this shits but i promise to myself that i will never do that because our friendship is over everything including my feelings, sooo yeah hear i am. sitting there in silence wondering what you are doing now, where you at, whom you are with, do you miss me like i do, and so many killing thoughts that make me tired. i really wish that you’re still there, thinking me as one of your closest friend, and never have the thoughts of leaving me behind.

[magnificentdust]

zarychanska

[magnificentdust]

I long for adventure in the wilderness once again. Bernese Oberland, Switzerland. [OC], [4123x5154], [Instagram: @roamwithbrad] - Author: roamwithbrad on reddit