lucexcedis

[lucexcedis]

lifted my hand up to the gray sky, and saw daggers instead of finges. and from the tip of them comes flowing down some red drops, but suddenly beginning to flow in larger quantity, andd less density, unti all drops come together as a whole. and all streaming down my arm. they're hot. one drop touched my cheek, as if it landed on its feet with a sword on its hand, stabbing the ground it landed on, liek a hero from a tragic tale. the moment i recognised the name of that drop, something rumbled in my chest, trying to get out through the throat. and it's infuriatingly painful. but there's nothing to puke. my arms started to get covered in red, until thhe drops with the same name start to pour down to my cheeks liek a rain after a consecutive days of a warm weather, each raindrop wearinng the saem tag and saem sword, landing on their feet perfectly liek a cat, stabbing the ground. isn't this the literal red sea that evaporated in the sky and got thrown back to the land, without draining its color? what caused them? why are flowing much faster than a river? the tips of the daggers spurt those drops nonstop. those damn red drops who won't take a break. my arms getting sticky and numb. should i just bring this hand down? to stop reaching the sky up? it's gray anyways. has it always been blue? i can't recollect anything but the red drops from the past. or should i remove the daggers? but how? are they not born with me and grown even more piercing as time passes by? it hurts. from the chest, up to the throat. did i swallow my own dagger? i wonder, if somewhere on my arms rests, even just one, red drop of my own? no. no. it might've been my hand all this time, but it was never about me. to whom red drops are these, it's about them. the them i failed to protect from me. the daggers on my hand must've pierced through them, and draining their insides and i took them out. and the red drops starts spurting. strangely as i have previously stated, starts spurting from the tip of the dagger andd not from where it pierced. anywhere, anything this hand lays upon gets drained. it hurts. i wanna puke this out. oh, damn. what do i do? my arms are heavy already. shoulde i put it down? wrapped it on my neck— silly. but i beg, how am i stop? how do i cut this hand off? i wanted to refuse acknowledging this hand of mine could belong to me, but everytime i try to erase my identity marks from it, each red drop that streams carves my name without any ounce of mercy. the skin on my arm, sufficed with carvings of the letters i hate the most, and covered in red. oh, no. am i losingg him? is this all i get, his red drops on my arms, flowing the most radiantly painful, instead of just his lips curving in a most loveable manner, in his most radiant smile? whilst my lips quivered, muttering the words i could only say before him— i'm sorry, i love you, i'm sorry, i love you. i want my normal fingers back, liek when i was a toddler, liek a toddler who never knew anything, who's never been loved by others that much for them to be hurt that much. what do i do, what do i do, what do i do?

[lucexcedis]

i, now, am wholly convinced that writers' pen bleed the most when their heart bled in most unexplainable manner.

[lucexcedis]

why are these hands of mine only did nothing but bleed those who loves me?

[lucexcedis]

you ?? | 11

you're unfair. did i love you too much? why aren't we on the same scale of love? was i just a peck of dust in your circle? was calling me your best friend a lie? why did you have to do that? i know i'm at fault, but it just pains me so much that you'd—

i'm sorry. i should've done better. i've been a foolish coward, blinded by a whim, lacking a sense of rationality and reality. i was too afraid of hurting you, causing that to lead me in a path that hurt you more. i regretted what i did.

did you regret your decision too? did it give you the peace you deserve? it hurts. it hurts that i have to be removed for you to achieved that. i wanted to stay by your side.

it's too painful to reminisce how what we built throughout the seven years be crumbled by my foolish mistake.

can i be selfish for once when it comes to you? did it just takes that for you to end what we had? it's just so unfair— my love for you moved me to forgive you for betraying me, dating a guy i wanted so bad. i forgave you and did and said everything to make you feel better, even if i was the one you needed to comfort that time. i lied that it's fine, i've moved on just to not make you feel so bad. because i loved you, and i didn't want you to feel such horrible feelings of guilt. i forced myself to forget the feelings, the pain, and i did eventually. we then actually became closer.

i forgot it. all of it. but after what happened last sunday, i realized that what i could for you isn't something you could do for me. i realized how much our love differs in intensity. why can't you do the same? why can't you forgive me and still let us be the same, just like i did?

i know, your big deals aren't my big deals. we differ. but i can't just accept that easily? did you just leave me? am i that easy to abandon? to discard? to forget? i sure did say that to you one time, but it contradicts to what i'm feeling right now. you're not easy to abandon. what about our time together? the bonds? the cries? the hugs? the smiles? the love?

am i that easy to discard?

three. three people already left me? you, my greatest love, my childhood best friend. my important people.

this is so unfair. i was never the leaver. i am the left out.

[lucexcedis]

mister blurry face,

are you my atlantis?

a myth or a soon world?

are you pacing—

where to?

to me,

or to nowhere?

i fear you are losing

your space

in my world.

pray tell that

i am mistaken

for, mister blurry face,

you are atlantis—

though are you my?

mister blurry face,

are you to arrive here

or am i to find you?

mister blurry face,

are you

the dream,

or

a dream?

[lucexcedis]

you ?? | 1

you took a big piece of me, probably more than you know and more than you care. you are associated with my favorite song, my former favorite color, my love for mysteries, my love for ranpo, my written stories, and even my dislieks.

for years, i tried to fill the void you left open. it was far from easy, naturally.

but i'm okay now. i could listen to those songs again without a pang in my chest. and love some things i used to love. and read those stories again like it was someone else's. and remember you with a bitter smile. and say your name without an ache in my throat.

i'm okay now.

so please don't ruin this for me. don't come back.

[lucexcedis]

i thought,

'twas such a green sky

but blurry and

wavy.

i thought,

'twas a blue sky

but i was cold

and pulled.

i thought,

'twas a black sky

and i see none;

i breath none.

[lucexcedis]

The thing about ORV is it's a perfect deconstruction of stories

It's about how the Author loves and resents the Reader and Character but also lives for them. Lives to feed the Reader the story and to give the Character life because he carries the story

The Reader lives for the Character and needs the Author, loving them both in different ways but he also envies the Character and is demanding of the Author

And the Character lives for the Reader and because of the Author and loves and resents them both at the same time

And they are constantly orbiting each other in this intricate dance always yearning and dependent on each other but never truly touching

It's a tragedy and a love story and a story of obsession and yearning that defies labels and also pain and resentment and guilt and it's beautiful

This why ORV has consumed me

[lucexcedis]

out of the world | 1

i have several friends. friends from the saem organization, friends from highschool, friends in my neighborhood, and online friends. i usually try my best to be always “me” before them, so i won't have to switch personalities over and over again. i usually blurt out what's in my mind most of the time (especially when face to face) because use i spend so little amount of time to ponder the right one to say; trying to be funny although my jokes could be a little offensive or... idk, dark. i take almost everything as a joke. occasionally, i become serious when really needed. that's why i overthink a lot about how my friends perceive me. i can't easily trust compliments. i have already developed an auto-deflect against them. i do most of the time feel liek i ain't really a friend. or am just a fading character that only becomes a friend when there's an own appearance. would my friends really acknowledge me a friend when i ain't around? do i really acknowledge them as one? are the feelings mutual? i have tons of things to ask, but i find it too difficult to find the perfect right way to start. i could no longer fully understand what it is to have a relationship with any people— romantic or platonic. i once thought i could probably survive having zero friends. it made me feel liek i don't really have to exist.

i have someone i used to call my best friend. she was who i had since childhood. but the pandemic occurred and we gradually drifted apart. those two years were the darkest of my times— maybe it was hers too, idk. i don't know anything about her anymore, maybe i didn't really know her in the first place. we were so close to some extent where we share secrets and thoughts that most people wouldn't agree upon. we backstab others, haha (sometimes but not extremely, it's usually just making fun of them)— but what happened to us? thinking about how we were in the past few months is quite devastating. you were gloomy, and i reached out to you, pushing me away still. she couldn't open up to me, hence i waited for long, but she would always maintain a massive wall between us, which made me lose hope on our friendship. we see each other almost weekly, but whenever i try to be close to you again, you'd thwack all your excuses on my face. i wanted to get inside of her head. but i'm too afraid she wouldn't liek it, liek how i hate it so much when someone does. if everything we had in the past long gone now, i just wanted to know what she currently think of me.

i have a current best friend right now. he's afar from me. we barely see each other, but we often talk in a certain social media platform. we've been friends for only six months, yet. it feels liek being his best friend too is a little forced, liek we wanted to have someone, so when we saw each other, we're immediately best friends though we hardly had any experiences together. idk, i couldn't remember how exactly it went. but i could say he is the closest i have. i approached him because he seemed liek an interesting one, and turns out i was right. but he also sucks because i think he has more red flags than green, actually the greens of his that i could think of.... countable by only one hand. he annoys me most of the time(??) but i love his “must-protecc” sides sometimes. i have zero idea what made me let him be close to me, because he's definitely someone i would avoid at all costs. he knows almost everything about me— i opened up because i look up to him. sometimes, if not most, it feels too unreal. liek eh? i am this interesting person's friend? wao. however, my inferiority complex splattered again all over my skin and i would just sometimes want to more blurred. he's the cream of the crop and i'm just a mob chara. there were times i wished everything would revert back to normal (having him by your side means everything around you's no longer normal) but meh, it is what it is. he was someone that i wanted her to be as my friend. but that doesn't mean he's a replacement. he has his own space in my world. surprisingly, he has his own world. liek a person. he has a favorite person, i mean. so i try to be as a normal friend as much as possible without causing harm to them. to some cases, i feel envious. but i do really pity his person sometimes, lol. i never understood his complex character. and it kinda guilts me that i also don't bother. but right now, i just hope he lasts because the affection i have for him is something i also can't measure yet. it has deeper roots and complicated conclusion. this is my first after all.

i was told by him that he's the type of friend that would just make me happy for finally appearing. he might be right, or not. i honestly have no idea, he hasn't done it.

yesterday, i felt a strange amount of being out of place. asking my girl friends for their plans so i could invite them, and then a sudden realization that they have their own worlds where i'm not really part of, or a world where i'm just a peck of dust. or maybe that's what i think about myself so i project it to them. that, horrible. the loneliness is such a complex emotion for me, why am i feeling it? where did it come from? is it really loneliness?

will i ever be able to understand myself and the way i perceive my relationship with others?

these are all i could say for now. i kinda lost the mood.

[lucexcedis]

the mirror is a liar.

to lie opposite to it

is to afford a view of you

reflected in my eyes;

to lie opposite to it

is to behold a smile

that is not mine.

as i lie opposite to it, 

the mirror lied,

proclaiming a face, beaming, 

flushing, alive— yes, 

your being reflected

in my eyes is decaying

as it remained a mime.