lu-y-yo

[lu-y-yo]

My Virgo son Professor has been teaching me how to show TLC with action—work. It’s been hard but it’s getting done.

My posts are a testament of my love for you. I can’t talk to you with words, but I’m communicating with actions.

I hope you see me.



[lu-y-yo]

Dear Lucy,

I hear you have taken your name again. I hear you are doing well. I hear you are still depressed. I hear you do love me. I hear you still don’t want to talk to me.

I understand the perspective that I must do anything to keep you in my life. In my way, even if you can’t see it, I do everything to make your life better.

When I gain understanding of the vibration I carry and you inherited, I can help you navigate through the crisis that come with being human.

I won’t beg. So I have missed you.

I won’t reach out because we have no privacy and fuck that.

But don’t forget that I love you, and in all things good that come from me, you are at the center of the initiative.

You and your sister are my treasure.

Only God know why things are as they are.

Better days are coming.

I promise.

[lu-y-yo]

Vita Sackville-West to Virginia Woolf

[lu-y-yo]

[lu-y-yo]

Hi Lu,

I haven’t written to you because there’s court soon and that always slows my creativity or expression down. As much as I want to fight it and do it this way, I know it’s ridiculous to have to succumb to these methods to have some sort of contact with my child, so I get upset.

Not at you, but I end up skipping out on the experience of communion or communication through the wire, cause I know they too are here. I also remember that it’s all shared with them regardless, cause you don’t like to upset them.

I realized not so long ago that not caring if we upset others, so long as we are true to who we are, is what god supports.

I urge you to be who you are and have no fear.

I hope all is well and you are taking care of yourself.

I love you dearly.

-Ma

[lu-y-yo]

Hi lady,

I had an intense dream about you last night.

I pray that you are doing well and you are comfortable and feel good about the decisions you make everyday.

I will always support and love you, I just hope you keep your heart near God everywhere you go.

I love you!

-Ma

[lu-y-yo]

Hi Lucy,

I feel disconnected from you. It’s as if there has been a great deal of acceptance.

I am not who you want me to be and I’m ok with that. I hope you are too, because what I can offer to you is my ability to be myself so honestly, that I’ve given you the opportunity to reach out to me if that’s what YOU want.

I’ve done what I can to show you with my actions the things that I believe to be good and true, but I don’t think that fighting is something I should have to do. I’ve had to in the past because you were so small and defenseless. That’s not the case now.

It doesn’t mean I don’t love you, it means that I am investing my energy into the things that will produce a much better outcome for us, when and if you decide to join my journey.

The dynamics that developed over the years are not my fault, but I did let things slide when they were not right altogether. In the name of building and not losing it all. I still lost it because there was no allegiance allowed between us. I’m your mother. Think about that one for a bit. . .

I tried. You know I tried. Then, I tried some more. Slowly, I was wasting away in my attempt to keep you safe from the choices you told me were forced on you. Now it’s you making them and not wanting to answer to the fact that it’s a choice. That’s ok. I won’t change and will keep calling things by their name. Not in judgment, but in acknowledgment.

Sometimes that’s too much for a child to deal with, and I also understand that, which is why I’ve laid off. I don’t want things to get mixed up and twisted into something I didn’t say or think. So here you go, my unfiltered thoughts. I don’t think they’re so bad, cause after all, I still love you and support You. No matter what.

I’m still here whenever you’re ready.

I can appreciate your distance if it means you don’t want to be unkind. To me, that is still love.

I love you with all my soul.

-Ma

[lu-y-yo]

Hey there lady, it’s been entirely too long since we talked. I hope your Christmas was a good one and that you have had great memories made with your sister and your family.

Becoming detached from you had been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I’m sorry it’s not been a choice. It wasn’t at first. People weaponized all the love we shared. I took it for granted. All the intensity and depth has shown me how it’s possible to love this much and still let go.

The days and nights you saw me miss your sister and the way I found to overcome that has been what I had to do with you and that sent me back to school.

I really hope your life is cool and not the choice for nothing.

I love you, forever!

-Ma

[lu-y-yo]

Hi Lu Lu,

I had to erase the last letter I wrote you here.

It was full of information you don’t need.

I just want to share where I am in life so you don’t forget me or miss out, but it has started to feel empty.

I would love to know about You.

I miss you.

-Ma

[lu-y-yo]

Hi Lu,

Yesterday, while I was watching a movie on Hulu, on my friends Tv, a commercial came on with the song “Mamacita” and it broke me down.

I have known since that school performance that I have failed you as a parent. That moment in time is when it became apparent to you.

I’m sorry.

That day I truly tried to be there on time. I’m sure you don’t remember that well, but your dad had been buying the gifts you asked for, after I’d tell him I got it, and we had a moment over the break where he tried to get too close to me and I rejected him again, making him act out on me and me calling him out.

I try my best not to tell you of these instances but they are necessary to make known because they are part of the reason I have acted a certain way.

2019 winter performance was about a year after Terrence had taken Maya and I was fending for my life in ways I cannot and will not describe to you. My body reacted in ways that were lethal to my health, but all you could see was a sleepy mom.

I’ve been a sleepy mom for so long, but I promise you it has nothing to do with how much I love you or would want to do for you. The sleepiness is a result of my erroneous choices as a young person, which is why I was so careful with your upbringing. I was wreck less and absurd as a child and injured myself in ways that didn’t have to happen. I kept my behavior the same as a young girls and adolescent. Then, life took me up on the vibe and gave me a couple more chances to destroy my physical body. I took them—subconsciously.

During that time period, I was still suffering from endometriosis as well, so not only bone issues, it was health.

I didn’t want to live, the pain was so much, but I wanted to be with you, so I fought to stay alive and safe.

I’ve been careful not to disclose where I live, not just to your dad but my extended family as well, since 2019.

You only saw a sleepy mom. A broke and broken mother

I don’t blame you for believing all the worst things about me then, especially when to you, I missed your performance. Something you knew I cared about.

The truth is I made it to the performance and stayed at the back. I hoped to see you, but I had arrived a few minutes too late and you were on your way out, stage left.

It took me two hours to get to your school from San Pedro to highland park on the bus.

I slept a few more minutes and missed the scheduled bus to get there early. I didn’t want to see your dad so I was ok with it, hoping you’d preform a bit later so I could catch it.

I’m sorry.

I didn’t understand how much it meant to you to preform that song, especially the first year we had been apart from each other.

You didn’t know what was going on, still don’t-really, and you expected me to be there for you, and I failed.

It’s been a few years since then and the disappointments have been greater and greater for you. I understand and own the failures. It doesn’t mean I haven’t been trying MY best.

I still live in chronic pain, but I manage it now. I’m not as sleepy and I’m also not as sad. Well, that’s if I block everything out and focus on my breathing. Otherwise, I fall apart from missing you, your sister and the love we once lived in when we lived on our own.

I know it’s so far fetched to ask for all of that again.. it can never be the same again, but I do hope you can one day understand me and why I’ve done what I’ve done and do what I do. I hope to understand myself one day—too.

I will say that I am happy that you’ve found your voice and you have demanded certain things or rejected others, even if it’s me. I need you to practice being secure in your decisions, even if they make others feel a certain way. Practice with me so one day you will have the know how and strength to do what you want and only what you want.

You have a good moral scale and will be great at making the right decisions. You already do.

I fought it and took it personal for some time, but I finally accepted your decision and started focusing on myself and the pain has decreased, I’ve healed more and I’ve gone back to school and am learning new skills to make a career in the electrical field.

I owe you that.

Thank you for being so wise beyond your years and for being brutally honest with me and holding me to a higher standard. No one else has the guts to do that like you do. I wouldn’t care if it came from anyone else either.

I guess life happens the way it’s supposed to happen. I just wish I had hurt you a lot less.

I love you!

I hope all is well.

You are missed. A ton.

-Ma

[lu-y-yo]

Hi Lu,

Yesterday I had a run in with the woman that wants to help us fix our lives. She has been helping and it’s been a struggle for her because you know how hard it is for me to feel safe around anyone I want to trust.

It seems I have gotten secure people around me. I’ve tested them in all the ways I have had a chance to but I’m tired.

The systems in place seem to be able to hold space for us if we are brave and do what must be done. I’m doing my part and sharing as much as possible so you know where I’m coming from.

Mercury is retrograde so I am going to slow it down. Putting my head down and working till school starts again.

I love you so much. Looking forward to the day I get to see you again. I miss your hugs.

-Ma

[lu-y-yo]

Hi Lu,

Today I went to visit my friend Melinda. I know you had a hard time being able to feel positive around anything that was my life, but you did approve of her.

She motivated me to go to school and her dad is an electrician so I chose to study electrical stuff because they had a home of 5 kids and pets on his salary. It made sense to me to go into that industry with two sun in 2nd house daughters.

I’m learning how to work around electrical panels and electric car chargers.

One of my class mates(if you’ve been reading, he’s one of two new friends) has been helping me learn about electricity. My professor nudged me to try and work with him since he knows I’ve been looking for work since I joined the school. This classmate is into all the things I am into as well and has 7 dogs and an orange cat.

We call each other friend, to remind each other that even if we care for each other, we are friends first.

Our other classmate is a Virgo and she had a very important talk with me a few weeks ago. She is one of my trans friends at school. We discussed pronouns and she asked me to respect yours since it’s what you have asked of me as my child.

It’s something I’ve been putting off for some time because, as you know, it’s what boiled things over for us. I don’t intend to keep the subject as a taboo, I’ve just wanted to discuss this with the right help.

After the talk with my friend, I decided to respect the pronouns you give me for you.

Out of love.

I miss you!

-Ma

[lu-y-yo]

Hey there eldest child,

I often wonder what life is like for you in this world. I think I have moved on from feeling sorry for the state of things and how they are at this moment. It’s been a series of times in which people made sure I had no say in outcome, or in which my say was denied or opposed for the sake of opposing.

I’ve given up in the fight to get what I think is the best outcome for you because in that fight, I lost you to your own decisions.

I never thought I had done something so bad that my rights should be denied to me, but I also don’t mean to fight the person I do care about.

So I have adjusted my life to asimílate my loss. They don’t want to be with me, oh well. I want to be content and wish the same for them as well. So I have accepted this fate.

Don’t get me wrong, I am working tirelessly for the goals we set up, but in the fight, when I would fight, I discovered that our plans were a bit miscalculated and we didn’t actually have safe ground this year.

2 more years added to the timeline.

That’s enough to build what I have started on. It’s not perfect but I have help and get something done everyday.

I am no longer fighting for you, but I am still building so if you ever choose me, I’m ready.

I love you.

-Ma

[lu-y-yo]

Hi baby,

It’s been so long since I feel I can have real contact with you in way too long. I have been trying to slip writings, messages or share posts that I think you will like, but this idea for a blog like this has been in my mind for years now. Fear of others finding the reality of how my deep love goes has kept me from it.

It wasn’t until I realized that that fear has been eating away at the time you remain informed and validated on how much love I have for you.

I am sure you remember, but even if it gets difficult sometimes, you should know that I love you with the infinite power that holds our magnetic fields to one another in this Universe.

There is so much about life that I have learned in the last year that I wish I could teach you in a heartbeat, as always, but today I want to remind you that you are baby and you have made me one Proud mother by being there for your younger sister, even if it has been a real life challenge to keep that afloat. It has been you sheer willingness to love that has the strong of love connected to all of us and I recognize you for it.

We all do what we can with what we have, cause that’s how I was taught and how you were loved from birth. Maybe you get inspiration and guidance, along with support, for more. That is the goal! I’m entering a new world where I can say the same for me, in which case it will reflect on my output here shortly.

Becoming a student is one of the greatest things I’ve done form myself and our future.

I have a few Virgo heavy friends helping me along the way and their input in my life is taken into account for obvious reasons.

I wish I could share all of it with you but at the same time, I wish I knew the same things about you.

I often wonder how you are in school. What school looks like. If you’re more confident now and outspoken. Logical and piercing with truth and reason? I’ve heard of debate team and such. I leave it to my imagination because I can picture you in all the different ways but know that I don’t know and will only find out when you share with me.

I love you so much and I can’t wait to meet you again.

I hope you know how much you’ve been missed.

-Ma