loveinthetimeofsocialisms

[loveinthetimeofsocialisms]

i keep saying that in not going to see b for awhile and then i ended up seeing him on monday, texted him (and then he texted me first later!) yesterday, and made plans to talk on thursday. it's literally exams week. i'm more shocked than anything.

he better not get sick of seeing me (he reassures me that he doesn't and likes talking to me, i have to overthink every interaction we have regardless)

#how am i supposed to cope when the semester actually ends and then i won't see him for long periods of time bruh #professor crush #teacher attachment #teacher crush #teacher crush community

[loveinthetimeofsocialisms]

Me when I realise it's not just a silly crush anymore

[loveinthetimeofsocialisms]

he lightly scolded me about my time management and all I could think about was him lifting my skirt and railing me into next week

#woah... #when he dmed me out of nowhere today to let off some steam over someone who annoyed him (for good reason)...

[loveinthetimeofsocialisms]

So you guys actually like your tcs by how they look? Like literally that's the last thing I think about 😭

#he is genuinely so fine alright #however i don't think i know a man with a more kind heart than him #he has the capacity (and has demonstrated) how much love and care he'll have for people he barely knows #i remember when we talked the first time in his office hours before i even had him as a prof #he was so willing to bond with me over music and is such a brilliant storyteller #he never forgot about me even after 4 months. he wanted to engage with me so much the first day i had class with him #i hope to have inherited his love in such a way that it'll synthesize with how i love to create something beautiful

[loveinthetimeofsocialisms]

99% of my thoughts this weekend were about him and i can't help but to feel guilty about it.

i shouldn't think about this man the first thing in the morning. i shouldn't think about him when i'm prepping a meal, and remember how delicious the rice he made for class was last week. i shouldn't think about him while i'm listening to music, speculating what he would think of the song i'm listening to. i shouldn't cater what i post for the account he follows me on, hoping to see his name pop up in my notifications. i certainly shouldn't think about him while i'm preparing to go to sleep, curious if i can spot him for the last time on campus this year tomorrow. i definitely shouldn't think about him in bed while i'm trying to go sleep, driving myself crazy over imagining how he'd feel.

"we will always be friends"

i hope so. i hope that the person who has fundamentally changed me for the past eight months won't leave so soon.

"to all of the experiences ahead of us, cheers!"

#it's not even like i'm graduating yet HE'S THE ONE GOING ON LEAVE NEXT YEAR 😓 #i wonder where he's keeping the card i made him #professor crush #teacher attachment #teacher crush #teacher crush community

[loveinthetimeofsocialisms]

today was the last day that i've known that i've been able to see b and like. you guyssss. he makes me want to melt into him. i was on his team for a dept. end of the year tradition/game and holy shit, i did not expect to see such an unhinged side of him. he is just so... goofy and silly and restless and a constant source of energy.

we had a heartfelt side-hug thing in response to a card i handmade and wrote for him that he read yesterday. always cheered me on when i had to play my turn. he had to abruptly leave after a few hours and called me out for a hug. i ran up to him and he gave me a full body hug, with one hand on the back of my head, and the other around me. i wish he didn't have to leave so quickly. everything was just pure bliss for that one moment.

i followed him on social media after our last day of class, and literally within 10 minutes he followed me back. i was like :0 ??? fr??? so i dmed him today to say something a little more coherent since he had to go so fast, and his reply 😵‍💫. told me that we will always be friends and that he'll miss me. we're also now on first-name basis which is just jarring as hell but i love it.

how could have today/this week be such a time of incredible highs.. and i'm going to have to recover from not being able to see him so often for literally the end of time. i'm devastated 😭

#i love him too much it's so over #professor crush #teacher attachment #teacher crush #teacher crush community

[loveinthetimeofsocialisms]

[loveinthetimeofsocialisms]

i don't think i could forget how b softly sang the last bit of a song under his breath while we listened to it during class. i wish i could hear him sing and play guitar some day.

#professor crush #teacher attachment #teacher crush #teacher crush community

[loveinthetimeofsocialisms]

Vladimir Mayakovsky, from a letter featured in "Love in the Heart of Everything; The Correspondence between Vladimir Mayakovsky & Lili Brik, 1915-1930,"

[loveinthetimeofsocialisms]

i can't stop playing "last goodbye" by jeff buckley and thinking of him. the end of the semester is coming up so fast and i'm going to miss b dearly. i wish i could talk to him all day, every day about songs and films we enjoy.

#omfg i also found out this week that he's 37 and it literally changed my entire view on him #like girl i thought he was in his early 30s... #still love him though #professor crush #teacher attachment #teacher crush community #teacher crush

[loveinthetimeofsocialisms]

[loveinthetimeofsocialisms]

b wrote to me in an email "you are a gift" on sunday. we hugged twice and talked to each other so much last week. i have not been able to get that man out of my head since. i have been suppressing this crush for months since i first had him as a prof in sept, so that i would not return to old habits, and yet, here i am.

#i truly hate that i want him so bad #he has a wife and kid #what i can only hope for is by having this blog as an outlet i'll be able to get over my romantic feelings and embrace our friendship #i think we even share a stronger love in terms of our politics and seeing each other as also comrades as well as friends #he literally wrote in that same email: thanks... ...for being my comrade #the proof is in the pudding #professor crush #teacher attachment #teacher crush #teacher crush community

[loveinthetimeofsocialisms]

an introduction post ✩

hiii i'm i. i'm 21, in college. they/them pronouns please. my professor crush will be referred to as "b". we have a 17 yr age gap

this isn't my first time having a tc and having a tc blog. i had one previously over five years ago which is insane.

this sideblog is a digital journal for me talk about my convoluted feelings for him while navigating my life.

since i am 21, minors please dnf/dni.

#professor crush #teacher attachment #teacher crush #teacher crush community