loudunspokens

[loudunspokens]

when will i be enough?

#teeth chattering #it takes time #will i ever be important? #will people ever put me first? #when will i stop being an obligation to other people? #when will i deserve anything positive? #is it because i'm not trying hard enough? #is it because i don't care about myself that others don't care about me? #i feel neglected #when will i stop being left out #being ignored #being a side piece #when will i matter

[loudunspokens]

i don’t think i’m ever going to have an okay relationship with food. i either don’t eat for several days, or i eat whatever is handed to me. i know i can cook for myself, but i really don’t want to. i don’t want to be witnessed doing that.

so the past week, i haven’t had food cooked for me, and i haven’t bothered trying to take care of myself. i refuse to make anybody feel bad about that. i’m minimising myself, and trying to eradicate any worries about my well being.

i think my friends are starting to care less about me again, because i’ve been so distant from them.

i don’t want to burden anybody.

#teeth chattering

[loudunspokens]

i’ve been having dreams lately of my childhood. of my father, mother, stepfather, stepmother. my sisters and brothers. a memory isn’t really a dream, is it, but it always feels fake. i had a night terror two days ago - woke myself up from whimpering.

i didn’t tell anybody. it felt useless to. i’m supposed to hold my own.

#teeth chattering

[loudunspokens]

my interests are taken, used, obsessed by those around me. i don’t think i’m the one who obsessed about my obsessions first, and i don’t think i ever will be.

#teeth chattering

[loudunspokens]

i really have no identity. do you know who i am? i don’t.

#teeth chattering

[loudunspokens]

Standing up to someone who’s manipulative is the hardest thing to do because you often end up in a situation where you have to “prove” to this person that they’re being manipulative, and of course if it’s just you against them, they’ll deny everything and might even be able to turn things around and make you believe you’re actually the manipulative one and this is so fucking toxic and it’s the reason why I stayed with my ex for so long because I just thought it was my fault, and honestly I’m still enraged by the fact that humans can be that shitty

[loudunspokens]

when you’re asked if you wanted to talk about it but say you’d rather not, when you do want to.  the truth is that there’s an unseen hurdle that has to be made and encouraged. turns out more than half of the time, the person who wants to talk about their issues has been told so often that somebody doesn’t have time for it, the energy for it, or doesn’t know what to say.

it gets heartbreaking and lonesome when every person in your life says the same thing for two or three years straight.

#teeth chattering

[loudunspokens]

[loudunspokens]

Six Billion // Nothing But Thieves

[loudunspokens]

[loudunspokens]

sometimes i think i’m selfish when i get angry that one of my friends is taking my other friend’s attention, when i wanted to hang out with them.

then i remember i’m not being selfish, i’m just angry that said first friend continuously devalues me and disrespects what steps i take to try and stay communicative with my other friends.

you shouldn’t have to feel like you can’t hang out with somebody because that 1 person keeps showing up and shoving themself into your time when sometimes you want to spend time with somebody you barely get to spend time with

i have adhd, sometimes i just have enough attention for one person at a time. it’s absurd that i’m cast to the side over that.

#teeth chattering

[loudunspokens]

[loudunspokens]

[loudunspokens]

someone: I wonder what goes on in your mind

me: well, let me give you a demonstration

me: *starts screaming*

[loudunspokens]

Genuinely, I don’t care if you don’t, can’t, or won’t. But it’s the worst when you say you do, can, or will, then make me wait around for something that’s not true. Especially when we both know you were lying from the start.

tbh via euphoric-demonss (via euphoric-demonss)

#MMMMMM #SO MANY PEOPLE IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW LMAO

[loudunspokens]

[loudunspokens]

Poisonous abuser.