lordpigbeetle

[lordpigbeetle]

‘there’s no platonic explanation for this’

buddy you wouldn’t believe what kind of platonic explanations im capable of

[lordpigbeetle]

Once again randomly remembered this story about a couple who had a small parrot - pretty sure it was a budgie - who didn't talk but learned to communicate with people in its own way. Once it figured out that people always turn to check their phones when the notification sound comes on, it started making the text message notification sound to request human attention. The parrot also liked to follow people to the door whenever guests were leaving, and would use its wings to pantomime the motions of a person putting their coat on. A very clever, charming bird.

And every once in a while it just randomly hated some people. Not for any real reason, or even reason to suspect bad vibes, but by deciding "fuck this person in particular" for shits and giggles alone. And one time when the owners had invited a new friend to their home, the bird decided that it Did Not Like Her.

So in the middle of polite conversation, the bird - who was free to roam around the apartment at the time - hopped onto the living room coffee table, right in front of the unwanted guest. And in that moment, the owners put two and two together and understood that whatever mischief the bird had decided to do, it was now too late to stop it.

But instead of unleashing the absolute hell that even the tiniest displeased parrot could be capable of, the little budgie made its little "may I have your attention please" cell phone notification sound, and once the guest was focused on the bird, looked at her dead in the eye while doing the putting-my-coat-on wing motion.

The guest did not recognise the pantomime for what it was, but she was nonetheless delighted that the parrot would do a little wing-roll dance for her. And the host couple were at first too stunned and then too polite to tell her how impressive that gesture truly was. Their bird had shown both remarkable restraint and cleverness by using its entire vocabulary of human communication just to say

"I have an important announcement: I think you should leave."

[lordpigbeetle]

the point of art is not to be great but to make it transparently obvious that there is something wrong with you

[lordpigbeetle]

i love abortion and i love divorce

[lordpigbeetle]

real

[lordpigbeetle]

Once you exit the womb, you can use the left stick to walk around and explore your surroundings. You can press A to jump, allowing you to access higher places. Try jumping onto the doctor's cabinets

[lordpigbeetle]

i think we should all consider getting emotional over this xkcd. as a group. let's get emotional about it

[lordpigbeetle]

SINCE WHEN CAN BOTS CREATE POLLS??? EXCUSE ME?? ALSO WHAT ARE THESE OPTIONS?

[lordpigbeetle]

things to say to bugs when science finally unlocks the secrets of human-bug communication:

im not hurting you i am taking you to a safe place

do you eat weird crumbs cause i found some im willing to share

you can bite me if you want but id rather be no-bite friends

i like your big colorful eyes, very stylish

please dont crawl into my sleeves

(sings a duet with a cricket)

#“I will eldritch god you to the safety that is outside my shower panel little spider. to the windowsill with you.”

[lordpigbeetle]

[video by soupygarbagejuice. original caption: stuie]

[lordpigbeetle]

[lordpigbeetle]

are all animals dangerous?

every animal has the potential to be dangerous under certain circumstances. for instance, a dog could bite you, a moth could distract a UPS driver into plowing through your living room window, you could inhale and choke on an earthworm.

[lordpigbeetle]

so embarrassing when i forget im checking someone's blog and i start scrolling through and liking and reblogging shit as if it's just my dash. it feels like wandering into someone else's apartment and not noticing and making myself lunch

[lordpigbeetle]

you’re laughing. i told you a joke and you’re laughing. i love you

[lordpigbeetle]

i’m fucking dying. it’s been brought to ben collins (the rad new owner of the onion’s) attention that Google AI summary is using The Onion headlines, resulting in this:

[lordpigbeetle]

RIP KABOSU THE DOGE MEME DOG

[lordpigbeetle]

if i were in charge of star wars i would end the last movie witth yoda reading the story out of a big book and he gives a little chuckle and says "happened, none of that did." and then he gets out of his truck and waddles into walmart