lolitaxxis

[lolitaxxis]

“So please ask yourself: What would I do if I weren’t afraid? And then go do it.”

— Sheryl Sandberg

[lolitaxxis]

[lolitaxxis]

I used to unconsciously seek out shallow men because I was afraid of my own depth. But now, I embrace it. And someday, I will find someone who will embrace it too.

[lolitaxxis]

Is it too early to drink?

I can’t get out of bed. Ever. Unless its for snacks. Which are to be consumed in bed.

But, I have to get up. I have a job. I have a life. I need to shower.

God I fucking hate getting in the shower. Until I’m there. Getting out of the shower is the second hardest part of getting in the shower.

And I keep on trekking. I pick up the sweats that have been on my bathroom floor for 3 days and finally put them in the laundry basket. Time to do laundry. Again. And then in a few more days, I’ll have to do it *again*. 

I make my way to work. I don’t even put on my face anymore. Whats the point? It doesn’t matter. Is it not professional to be too exhausted to be less human?

I take these little pills. I try to take them everyday, but I’m resentful. 

And these little pills seemingly work better than the coffee that does nothing but keep me up at night.

They help me get out of bed in the morning, I think. 

They help me shower, daily. Because sometimes that gets really hard when I don’t take them.

Whats the point, you know?

They help me do all the things we are expected to do.

But it comes at a price. These little pills help me find the will to do the things, but now I can no longer feel the things.

I know what you said was funny, so we are both laughing. I am not sincerely amused however.

I know this moment is exciting, so we are excited - “yay”.

I know this pain is hard for you to carry, but, god, what it must be like to actually feel - to be alive and experience yourself pulling through.

I have this therapist. We’ve been together for 3 years. She knows me, but I wont cry in front of her. I can handle this, even here. 

I’m pretty enough, I’m smart enough, I’m funny enough. I bet your family will enjoy having me in your life. I can pull a quality man. I can maintain a relationship, and do the relationship things. 

But as you fall in love with this illusion of a woman... the ambition, the passion, the warmth, I sit from the sidelines and observe. I watch the two of you from a third party point of view. You don’t even know her. You are so fooled and you have no idea. There is a valley between the two of you and you will never be able to reach her. Don’t be so surprised when she leaves. It’s lonely on the other side, untouched.

These expectations. Who gave you the audacity? 

Can’t you just lay here. Be with me. Say nothing, but be HERE. Do you know how to be present anymore? To have a moment with your thoughts. To see someone and connect. 

These screens. They distract us from everything. From each other. From ourselves. From feeling. From thinking. Boredom is the birthplace of creativity. We have been given nothing but comparison.

Its been too many years to be sad over this. I’ve moved on. But why am I still crying? What did you take from me? And why haven’t I noticed something was missing until now?

[lolitaxxis]

Pay attention to the things you are naturally drawn to. They are often connected to your path, passion, and purpose in life. Have the courage to follow them.

Ruben Chavez (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[lolitaxxis]

“Please stop destroying what is left of your heart by constantly thinking about things that have broken you.”

— Unknown

[lolitaxxis]

“Solitude is dangerous. It’s addictive. Once you see how peaceful it is you don’t want to deal with people.”

— WomenWorking.com

[lolitaxxis]

New piece, hope you like it! xo Lang 

………….

My NEW book Memories is now available via Amazon, BN.com + The Book Depository and bookstores worldwide.

[lolitaxxis]

I used to associate the idea of love with enmeshment. That your worth was determined by the ability to withstand a person’s broken pieces; to “heal” them. With time I’ve come to learn the difference between loving a person’s brokenness and loving a broken person. That love isn’t intended to be an intense whirl of two people’s emotions. Love can exist without the glittery feelings. Love can exist if you don’t feel like your world is ending when they’re gone. Love is not withstanding abuse, love is not forgiving poor treatment. Love is simply not possible unless you first love yourself. It is only then are you truly capable of loving another. It is only then that the foundation for love can be laid, for love can not exist without these boundaries. Boundaries is trust. Trusting that the rawest version of yourself is enough. Boundaries is respect. Respecting your own values and standards. Boundaries is making the sacrifice to give up your Friday night to do something that matters to them. It is not sacrificing your emotional or physical health. It is to be present for them during the hard times, not finding solutions for them. Boundaries is allowing them to love themselves first, as you love yourself first. When all of this happens, love becomes empowering. Love becomes a calm strength. Love becomes safe. 

[lolitaxxis]

“If my heart is in it, it’s impossible for me to leave. That goes for relationships, friendships, business or just life in general. I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m controlled by my heart. However as soon as my heart feels unappreciated, she stops. And I leave. As if nothing ever occurred here..”

— Meggan Roxanne (via kushandwizdom)

[lolitaxxis]

“It doesn’t really matter who you used to be. All that really matters is who you have become.”

— EXTRAMADNESS.COM

[lolitaxxis]

‘♡

[lolitaxxis]

harry potter fights a really big dog harry potter fights a really big snake harry potter fights a smaller dog, comparatively harry potter fights a motherfucking dragon harry potter fights some brains in a jar and also grief and alienation as concepts harry potter fights a bunch of corpses harry potter fights a regular sized snake

[lolitaxxis]

“Fake friends believe in rumours. Real friends believe in you.”

— Unknown

[lolitaxxis]

“Strength grows in the moments when you think you can’t go on but you keep going anyway.”

— Unknown

[lolitaxxis]

“There are some people who could hear you speak a thousand words, and still not understand you. And there are others who will understand — without you even speaking a word.”

— Yasmin Mogahed

[lolitaxxis]

I was so in love with you.