loathsome-sickness

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love going on callout posts for "thinks cnc is okay" and seeing people talk about how us freaks need the electric chair. fantasizing about violence is okay as long as its not sexual, funny that

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© Tristan Todd

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The Slow Unfurling of Sadism

I don’t consider myself a masochist, but pain is an important part of my submission. Sometimes that feels weird to say—that I like pain and need pain, but I’m not a masochist. For me, the difference is that pain is an expression of my submission, not an end in itself. I enjoy the opportunity to give myself to my Dominant in ways that are hard for me. I enjoy knowing that I am a girl who doesn’t get choices, even if my Dominant chooses for me to suffer. And I need these “proof of ownership” moments, even when I don’t always enjoy them. 

But as someone who needs pain, I have dated sadists. Actually, I kind of adore them. Sadists are deeply emotionally aware. When you are a person who feels aroused and emotionally connected through inflicting pain, you learn to read every quiver, every trembling lip, the inflection of every scream. You become hyperfocused on your partner’s emotional and physical state because that’s what feeds you— and because you know what can go wrong.

Sadists know that they enjoy hurting people. For most, it takes time to come to terms with that. And even when you’ve accepted your desire to inflict pain, building trust with a new person is always hard. To show the person you care about that you love their agony… It takes time. No one in kink exercises more self-restraint than the sadist.

So this means people with deep emotional awareness are required to take serious emotional risks with their partners. This leads to an endearing pattern that I call the slow unfurling of sadism (alternate title: How Sadists are Like Shy Baby Groundhogs). Sadists tend to start slower than other D-types. They don’t cause a lot of pain right away. They test something out, then they back off a little. A flicker of pain, then back to soft and sweet. Then they push a little further, and then back off a little. Gradually, they create a safe space for their submissive to suffer—to let pain flow freely. They earn a submissive’s trust by showing they are in control and respect boundaries.

At the same time, they are also creating opportunities for their submissive to earn their trust—trust that they won’t be rejected and trust that what they are doing is consensual. Sadists need reassurance. Did you endure the pain out of submissive obligation, or did you want it? Did it mean something to you? They need to know if you felt a connection through the pain. They need to know if it turned you on. They need to know if you want more. As a submissive, I love these moments. I get to tell my partner that I love the glimmer in their eyes before they hurt me, or that I smile every time I run my fingers over the welts on my ass. I am honest about my limits, but I also show my sadist the joy I feel in serving through pain. 

The most rewarding moment is when a sadist looks deep into your eyes and tells you they want to lick the tears off your face while they make you scream. And then they do it. Because that’s when you know they’ve let you in. They’ve trusted you with a part of themselves that few people get to see, let alone love. That is a beautiful feeling, and well worth the time it takes to get there. 

#as a sadist who has yet to experience that level of trust #this post is lovely #thank you op

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STPD culture is joking about your paranoia only to make the person you're talking to feel really bad and worried about you and you trying (awkwardly) to redirect the conversation and brush it off because their concern is honestly just very weird and uncomfortable

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#have a lot of this with my OCD as well #like no please it was a joke don't look at me like that we stay silly

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two sheep. standing still

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I've always had chronic fatigue. I remember being twelve, and an adult mentioned how I couldn't possibly know how tired they felt because adulthood brought levels of exhaustion I couldn't imagine. I thought about that for days in fear, because I couldn't remember the last time I didn't feel tired.

Eventually I came to terms with the fact that I was just tired, and I couldn't do as many things as everyone else. People called me lazy, and I knew that wasn't true, but there's only so many times you can say "I'm tired" before people think it's an excuse. I don't blame them. When a teenager does 20 hours of extracurriculars every week and only says "I'm too tired" when you ask them to do the dishes, it's natural to think it's an excuse. At some point, I started to think the same thing.

It didn't matter that I could barely sit up. It was probably all in my head, and if I really wanted to, I could do it.

When I learned the name for it, chronic fatigue, I thought wow, people that have that must be miserable, because I am always tired and I cannot imagine what it would feel like if it were worse.

Spoiler alert, if you've been tired for a decade, it's probably chronic fatigue.

Once I figured that out though, I thought of my energy as the same as everyone else's, just smaller in quantity. And that might be true for some people, but I've figured out recently that it absolutely isn't true for me.

I used to be like wow I have so much energy today I can do this whole list for sure! And then I'd do the dishes and have to lay down for 2 hours. Then I'd think I must gave misjudged that, I didn't have as much energy as I thought.

But the thing is - I did have enough energy for more tasks, I just didn't go about them properly.

With chronic fatigue, your maximum energy is obviously much smaller than the average person's. Doing the dishes for you might use up the same percentage of energy that it takes to do all the daily chores for someone else.

If someone without chronic fatigue was to do all the daily chores, they would take breaks. Because otherwise, they're sprinting a marathon for no reason and it would take way more energy than necessary. We have to do the same.

Put the cups in the dishwasher, take a break. Put the bowls in, take a break. So on and so forth. This may mean taking breaks every 2-5 minutes but afterwards, you get to not feel like you've run a marathon while carrying 4 people on your back.

Today, I had a moderate amount of energy. Under my old system of go till you drop, I probably could have done most of the dishes and wiped off the counter and then been dead to the world for the rest of the day.

Under the new system, I scooped litter boxes, cleaned out the fridge, took the trash out, cleaned the stove, and wiped off the counter and did all the dishes. And after all that, I still had it in me to make a simple dinner, unload the dishwasher, and tidy the kitchen.

It was complete and utter insanity. Just because I sat down whenever I felt myself getting more tired than I already was.

All this to say, take fucking breaks. It's time to unlearn the ceaseless productivity bullshit that capitalism has shoved down our throats. Its actively counterproductive. Just sit down. Drink some water. Rest your body when it needs to rest.

There will still be days where there is nothing to do but rest, and days where half a load of dishes is absolutely the most I can do. But this method has really helped me minimize those, which is so incredibly relieving.

#hm

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Schizotypal culture is the fight or flight response when there’s a knock at the door 😶

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People tend to throw out the phrase "extremely specific kinks" as though that inherently implies something transgressive, but in my experience, the overwhelming majority of extremely specific kinks are so innocuous that you could see them in public and not even clock them. For every person who can only get off to having their nipples electrocuted, there are a dozen who are volcanically aroused by seeing their partner wearing one specific pair of socks.

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god, my posts have been rough the past couple weeks huh

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Tell me when you get bored. A story about doses. [x]

I posted this on twitter and had a variety of aggressive ableism thrown my way.

This is a story about changing what I can in spite of what I cannot for the comfort of my loved ones. The thing that others find to be hurtful about me is that I like to spend time in silent solitude. People who love me often feel hurt that I tend to solve my own problems instead of leaning on them.

When we spend too much time together, people find my neutrality to be concerning, and it becomes too much for people to be unable to read me.

To show the people I love that I enjoy their company in ways they can understand, I pool my energy together to be high-energy, peppy, and social. Since this is not my natural state of being, it takes effort, which can only be expended in small doses. I amplify the things people like in me while filtering out everything they dislike about me when I am in their company.

I change my behaviors for those I love, but at the end of the day, I cannot change my neutral state of being, which is the thing that they want most out of me.

This is a story about me accommodating people in the best way I know how, not the other way around. I would truly appreciate it if people don't misconstrue this anecdote as me asking for dismissal of hurtful behavior when in reality, people find hurt in the fact that I simply exist, and I must change for them.

#people seem to think #that when they're close enough #that they will be the Exception. #it... it doesn't work that way.

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if you don‘t personally own one but your roommates/parents do and you are allowed to use it, that counts as yes

#mm... #yes and i technically use it #but exclusively for Making Shit and not for ironing clothes

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like just fucking imagine for a second that not only will most people, including other abuse survivors, tell you that your abuse either didn't happen or 'wasn't as bad', but if you try to tell people about it you put yourself at risk of your abuser turning it around and saying you were the abuser? and then everyone believes them? so you get left with trauma and complete social isolation as everyone calls you a monster?

can you imagine what that might do to a person? what the fear of that happening does to them when they live with that every day? to be told you should enjoy it if it did?

edit for tw: sexual assault, allusions to transandromisia i mean, i do still understand the urge to treat every man as a threat but. honestly? the longer i go on, the more i hear from other men about their experiences being coerced/pressured into sex, the more i see women, (especially cis women) as that exact same threat.

i can almost hear someone being like 'well at least you could fight a woman off' and it's just. one, can i, really? and two, that's incredibly reductive in terms of how the majority of sexual assaults even happen

because lets face it, i'm about two weeks out of saying fuck it and getting the cheapest wheelchair i can find. i'm significantly weaker than the majority of people i know, man or woman. and i'm a transman, which puts me both at a higher risk of 'corrective' assault from both genders and simultaneously puts me at higher risk of not being believed. or risking having the assaulter twist the narrative and claim i was the aggressor. my fear of rape never went away just because i 'pass' now. it just made me widen the lens on who was a threat.

and the second point. being held down and forced just isn't the way it goes a lot of the time. it's often social pressure, fear, blackmail, shock, feelings for your abuser. things that keep you locked in, stuck in it, a participant in it. none of the times i have already been a victim of this was i pinned and fought.

i wonder, sometimes, if my fear of making friends with literally anyone is really just my fear of not being able to say no. again. affection is terrifying. people trying to get close is terrifying, even online because i've been taken advantage of plenty here as well.

so yeah, i understand. i just don't see how treating men as a monster who only ever hurt and cannot be hurt by women helps anything. and i don't know how we all feel so comfortable acting like men are the only ones who need to learn what fucking consent means. i don't know how they're expected to learn it when we never tell them theirs matters too.

#not off my soap box yet apparently #is this justice? #is this making the world safer?

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My deepest darkest fantasy is that I collapse on the street and I am rushed to the hospital. They perform a bunch of tests and find out I am severely deficient in some kind of vitamin. Then I start taking the vitamin and I become the happiest cleverest person alive because all my problems were caused by this one deficiency

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#how it feels to be autistic when someone doesn't Follow The Rules

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edit for tw: sexual assault, allusions to transandromisia i mean, i do still understand the urge to treat every man as a threat but. honestly? the longer i go on, the more i hear from other men about their experiences being coerced/pressured into sex, the more i see women, (especially cis women) as that exact same threat.

i can almost hear someone being like 'well at least you could fight a woman off' and it's just. one, can i, really? and two, that's incredibly reductive in terms of how the majority of sexual assaults even happen

because lets face it, i'm about two weeks out of saying fuck it and getting the cheapest wheelchair i can find. i'm significantly weaker than the majority of people i know, man or woman. and i'm a transman, which puts me both at a higher risk of 'corrective' assault from both genders and simultaneously puts me at higher risk of not being believed. or risking having the assaulter twist the narrative and claim i was the aggressor. my fear of rape never went away just because i 'pass' now. it just made me widen the lens on who was a threat.

and the second point. being held down and forced just isn't the way it goes a lot of the time. it's often social pressure, fear, blackmail, shock, feelings for your abuser. things that keep you locked in, stuck in it, a participant in it. none of the times i have already been a victim of this was i pinned and fought.

i wonder, sometimes, if my fear of making friends with literally anyone is really just my fear of not being able to say no. again. affection is terrifying. people trying to get close is terrifying, even online because i've been taken advantage of plenty here as well.

so yeah, i understand. i just don't see how treating men as a monster who only ever hurt and cannot be hurt by women helps anything. and i don't know how we all feel so comfortable acting like men are the only ones who need to learn what fucking consent means. i don't know how they're expected to learn it when we never tell them theirs matters too.

#literally just ask the average straight woman her opinion on her partner saying no when she wants to have sex #what she would do to change it to a ''''yes'''' without even a hint of irony #and where's that study where it said something along the lines of #a bunch of guys answering 'no' to if they've been sexually abused #but when they asked about specific situations that would be classed as abuse without using the word #they said yes #how many men don't even know they're victims #tw sexual assault #transandromisia

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