lizignasius

[lizignasius]

I don’t wanna wake up in the morning knowing I might never see her again. Knowing that we may never get back together. Knowing that I’ll lose her.

[lizignasius]

I don’t think me and my partner have the same ideals in a relationship.

For context the person I had the thingy with, we started dating. Yay!! However from there a problem has begun to emerge. I think I’m the problem, but maybe it’s a two way thing. I think it’s to do with our ideals in a relationship.

First of all I love her, very very much. When I get into a relationship, it’s because I truly love them and think it could last forever. That is how I am. Sometimes though, I just don’t think we are on the same page. One of the reasons I fell for her is because of how she described herself in her past relationship. She put her relationship first, she showed affection whenever she could, she found time for her partner and would love every moment she spent with them. That’s something that in a partner I feel like I need. I don’t expect every breathing second of their life to be on me, but still the priority in a relationship I believe should be each other.

However, now that we are dating I find she shares similar features to both her ex and my ex, both of which were toxic in their respective ways. Her ex would complain that she would be too clingy, and didn’t listen to her feelings or help her with them very well. My ex would always expect me to help her whenever needed and put myself out for her, but would never ever do the same for me. These are qualities our exes had, among a lot of other terrible ones, but these are the qualities I find that she at times shares.

I am clingy, that I admit. I am clingy due to my past, due to all the relationships Ive had where i required it. I am clingy because I have been neglected, and without being clingy I fear I’ll be neglected again. I’m clingy because all my life I have been shown little love, so i cling to whoever I want to show it. I’m clingy because I’ve been told if i’m not people will leave me. Regardless of the reason, I need to learn to not be, but it’s so much easier said than done. For now I just wish she could cater for it. She does not.

Another thing about my clinginess is at the start of our relationship, might have even be before, we both agreed we preferred people who are clingy as partners. Yet now that we are in a relationship she claims that she dislikes it. She says it stresses her and she doesn’t enjoy it. I understand, I try to cater for it and I try so hard to be better. But if she has an issue I don’t try get her to change it. I do whatever I can to accept it, to help her, to encourage her. I just feel that isn’t reciprocated.

Another thing going back to the priority part. I believe that a relationship is a priority. If I’m in a relationship, I’ll prioritise my partner over anything else. Unless of course there’s a family emergency, or I had a prearranged plan, my partner comes first. For instance if I was asked if I wanted to go out somewhere with a friend, I’d check with my partner to see if it was ok to block out that date. I’d let them know days in advance, I would also not go with a plan if it was proposed to me a day in advance. I don’t expect my partner to be this exact same way, but I’d hope it would be similar. I don’t think my partner has the same priority level at all. Where I would place her as number one, I feel I’m not even reaching top five. It stings.

From what I expected when she described her ideal relationship to what we have now, I feel I’m with a completely different partner than I thought she’d said she was. I understand with each relationship we change, but she is the opposite of what she described she was. Other things that hurt me are when she tells me her worries and feelings and concerns I comfort her. When I tell her mine she freaks out and makes me feel guilty. How can I get past the fact I can’t trust her to go to when I’m upset.

I can’t even tell her any of this because she would just sit there and try justify all of it. Try tell me that nothing is wrong and I’m overreacting. Tell me that it’s just because of this and that, and that I’m too much and too annoying.

I don’t know what to do.

[lizignasius]

There’s something really wrong with me.

[lizignasius]

Everything shattered today.

My ex girlfriend who also happens to be a psychopath came back to stalk me. At first I ran away, and the person who i have a thingy with, as said in previous posts, came and picked me up. It had been awhile since the ex had done this, and it had me overthinking all day. I saw her again later and for the first time in my life stood up to her. However I did it in a way that made me feel like I was worse than her.

This made me relapse. For the first time in almost 9 months I hurt myself. I feel awful about it, I feel like I’m just worrying people for the sake of nothing. I did it because of that and some other things. I got extremely overwhelmed.

The person I have a thingy with is hurting, and I blame myself for it. I feel trapped with my own emotions and don’t know how to express them. So I just got overwhelmed and freaked out. I told them what I did and they supported me, and then i had another breakdown and I just feel like an awful burden upon them. I wouldn’t blame them if they left me and didn’t look back. If they woke up tomorrow and never spoke to me again, I wouldn’t blame them.

Everything shattered today. After feeling ok for the first time in a while, it all shattered. Maybe I shouldn’t have changed anything, what if I just stayed quiet? Maybe it’d be better for everyone.

[lizignasius]

I don’t want to be strong.

I want to be normal.

[lizignasius]

I miss her a lot sometimes.

I had a best friend, year 2017-2021. It felt like a lot longer than that though. She was the greatest friend anyone could ever ask for. In 2021 she passed away due to Covid mixed with health issues. I miss her every day.

Some days it hurts a lot though. You take an exam even in school, and realise she never even got to graduate - I mean granted she dropped out of school but she was going to pick it back up the next year. I miss her so damn much.

I miss being able to gossip about our lives together, sharing laughs and smiles. Giving her hugs when she’s sad and jokes when she’s happy. I miss sneaking out at night and going to her house to talk. I don’t have anyone I can just tell about silly things like crushes anymore. I can’t talk about my problems or my achievements. I lost her and I almost lost myself.

Her parents were like my second family. What’s worse is about a month ago her father passed away from Pancreatic Cancer. I’ll never forget her mum on the phone calling me at 3am. I’ve never heard a more broken person, and it just broke me more. I’m doing whatever I can to support her, but I can barely even support myself. I think she might be moving back to Australia, so I hope to see her in person soon.

I just miss my best friend.

[lizignasius]

Well I made a new corner cause someone found the other one!! I did show them cause it concerned them, but now I should make a new one to keep my private space.

So update, I told them I like them. They said they don’t know how they feel and that we should trial it. We are both on the fence, but I’m falling over that fence to be honest.

It hurts knowing that the answer will be no in the end though. The bringing up of not wanting to hurt me, I understand, but I feel like it’s also just reassurance for when they eventually say no. I’m not sure how to feel about that at the moment. I know it will hurt, but I don’t blame them, and I don’t want them to feel bad for it. I’ll pretend I’m completely ok cause I don’t want to make them feel worse.

It sucks when you like someone so much, but know you can’t have them. I discussed it with my close friend when we first decided to go on a trial period, I asked if was a round about way of saying no. We agreed it likely was, and now I’m 90% sure it is.

Then again… I overthink way too easily…