littlesecretdiary
whispered secrets
{est. 1995}
49 posts
Last active 60 minutes ago
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stellanslashgeode
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ririshiyo
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ririshiyo
humility
itsliiv
liiv
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so anyway I'm really fucking tired of hearing about taylor swift
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I had 283 days of messages every day. 283 days of constant reassurance and love. 283 days..... where did it go? why did it stop?
this breakup is so fucking hard
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he broke up with me last night. I don't think I'm gonna recover from this
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suresuresuresuresure just leave me on delivered while you're with her
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he's not here so I'm just automatically assuming he's with her bc he isn't opening my snaps either
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it's been over a month since we last had sex and I really feel like there's something inherently wrong with me now. I...... hate this. I hate feeling like this. what's wrong with me.. why am I not enough?
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hoooooolyyyyuy shiiiit... for a day off, today was LONGGGGGGG 😮💨 I saw my psych in the morning, then went for a walk to the library, saw my therapist immediately after getting back from my walk, had enough time after therapy to run home and shower before I had to leave again to go get my labs done as well as the tests and two vaccines I needed for the hospital job I start next month.... I'm utterly exhausted and I'm back to work tomorrow for a 6 day stretch 😭 and then I'm driving downstate for the following two days, then returning to work a 7 day stretch and then leave for Vermont for a week 😵💫 and then it's April and I start my new job omfg !!!!! when will I rest lmao
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Akira Toriyama died and when I read the news, I thought of you. it was the first time since I left you that I had thought of you and felt sad. the first time I really realized I will never be able to share anything with you, ever again. and I don't regret leaving, but I was still sad. I don't think I fully grieved the loss -- not of you, because walking away didn't feel like losing, not really -- of the future I thought I knew the shape of. my future is shaped differently now. my heart holds so much more now that I no longer feel like I have to lessen myself, my emotions, to fit your demands. I am different now. I am still growing. and I don't miss you, but.... I was still sad. even if only a little bit.
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....hey like. I know it gets better and all. but like when? I'm scared to grow and age because the weight of living is still there. the weight of knowing how fucking hard it is to keep. fucking. going. despite everything. is still there. it was there when I was 17 and it is still here at 28. I'm scared that as I age and my memory worsens it will be harder and harder to prevent myself from having these breakdowns. that someday I won't be able to handle it anymore, that it'll be enough to push me to Attempt again, that someday I'll eventually be successful. I don't want to age my way into institutionalization, but that's what I'm afraid I'll be facing when I get older. I don't want to live and die in a hospital once I'm considered too mentally unwell to function. but I can't imagine I'll gain any sort of independence when I'm still so reliant on other people's help just to barely scrape by. living is terrifying. dying is a hassle. I don't know what to do.
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had to wear a full face of makeup today because on Thursday night when I had my meltdown and self harmed, I also punched myself hard enough in the face for it to bruise in the shape of my knuckles, and now I have a green spot on my face that cannot be disguised as anything but a bruise. I AM NOT PROUD OF MYSELF.
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....if we break up, will he end up with her? did he stop playing WNRS with me bc I don't know him well enough? am I... wrong for him???
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waiting for him to acknowledge me like I'm back in high school begging for attention from a crush
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and. she's here again and I should have known because he hasn't messaged me of his own accord since 3. why do I feel so miserably, stupidly small???
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and he doesn't even want me to put that effort in........................... I guess he knows we won't mesh. I don't think we will. she rubs me the wrong way, I think. kinda reminds me of mckenna. which is not good, imo. I just. feel so alienated when she's around. so. extraneous. unwanted doesn't fit right, not anymore, not after our conversation. but idk. I can't place the feeling. it feels half like being snubbed and I don't know. also. why the fuck are the lights off. what the fuck are they doing with the lights off. why is THAT what bothers me?
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I know this feeling will go away because it becomes a little smaller every time. but. would it kill her to like......... not be at his fucking apartment this late???? every time. I know they're best friends but still. it feels so weird, especially because I am Not Allowed In When She Is Here. and I don't really understand why. I've TRIED, okay, I've put effort into trying to be nice and make friends and all that shit and she can't even text me back, let alone first. so. I dunno. I'm salty about it and it will keep happening until something changes. and I hate that.
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