littlepatchofgrass

[littlepatchofgrass]

Any updates on your pmdd journey? Would love to hear about it, friend! <3

Protein every meal = problem solved. 🤯

[littlepatchofgrass]

It's summer!

Cycle speaking, of course.

Maisie Hill describes the "Summer Superpowers" as invincibility, productivity, expansion, connection and communication, and pleasure and I'm happy to report that my summer seems to be on track. But there's a catch.

I learned about PMDD about five years ago and everything finally made sense. It was a relief to have a name for what I was experiencing but also to know I'm not crazy or alone.

Hill defines PMDD as:

1) Marked changes in mood swings or increased sensitivity.

2) Marked irritability or anger or increased personal conflicts.

3) Marked depressed mood, feelings of hopelessness or self-deprecating thoughts.

4) Marked anxiety and tension, feeling on edge.

5) Decreased interest in usual activities.

6) Difficulty concentrating.

7) Lethargy and marked lack of energy.

8) Marked change in appetite.

9) Excessive sleepiness and/or insomnia.

10) Feeling overwhelmed or out of control.

11) Physical symptoms.

Except it still was isolating because I didn't feel the few people I told took it seriously. It's like when I tell people I'm addicted to sugar. They laugh and say something like, "Yeah me too!" or "Aren't we all!" and I'm like, "No, really. I've looked into in-patient rehab several times. It is literally controlling my life you don't understand." When I mentioned PMDD, instead of asking more questions or offering support, they were quick to mention PMS or talk about their experience.

Nonetheless, I wanted to get help. In order to get help though, one must have months of daily mood and cycle tracking data to show the symptoms are more severe than the average PMS and that they drastically interfere with daily life and relationships. So I downloaded an app called Me vs. PMDD and started tracking. But then we started TTC and now that a few cycles have passed post baby it's finally time to get down to business.

Here's the catch about my summer (finally). People with PMDD often have short summers. Tears. It's true. The following emoji is how I feel about the tiny amount of time I feel the "Summer Superpowers" → ��

This book has lots of examples of people who knew how they would feel on each day of their cycle and I'm hoping this ends up being the case for me. It will be interesting to review the data. It's a lot of work to track but it will be so nice to finally be able to take concrete steps in balancing everything out. But until then, let's enjoy summer while it lasts by quickly checking off everything on my to do list! 🤪

[littlepatchofgrass]

Announcement: I'm so tired of how it's going that I'm finally going to do something about it. 

It's been years. YEARS. I'm so done. 

Every month is the same. Energy, productivity, and adventure preceded a crash landing into fatigue, anxiety, and emotional instability. It's gotten so bad that the hard days are almost unbearable. The worst part of the day is when Patrick leaves for work. I'm turning 30 soon and am not going to live like this anymore. 

A while ago we read Period Power by Maisie Hill. Would definitely recommend. Patrick made a comment about how he isn't a "good feminist" because he didn't know any of this stuff and I said, "same, bro." The book places the four phases of a cycle into the four seasons of a year. It starts with winter.

Hill says winter is generally characterized exactly how winter is in real life. We want to be cozy, quiet, slow down, eat whatever and be antisocial. For me, winter is a relief because it means the insane rollercoaster of emotions ends but, the fatigue begins. It's a mix of positive and negative experiences. Winter is not the issue. 

Next up is spring which started today. The tip here is to save 20% of ones energy even if it doesn't feel necessary. Oops. I'm writing this from a bath Patrick all but forced me into because I overextended myself this weekend. The good news is the last few days I've wrote, "normal" on my emotional tracking journal so hopefully the trend continues. Practicing daily rest is something I want to implement in all seasons.

A month ago I stopped eating sweets and it totally changed my experience. Unfortunately I'm deep in sugar right now and HAVE to get out of this chokehold before my autumn. This is the second thing I'm going to work on this cycle. 

See you in summer!

[littlepatchofgrass]

Bye insta

It's been about a month since Instagram has been off my phone. I've popped in here and there but I'm deleting it for real this time. No more peeking. It was strange for the app to go from a mind numbing distraction to a source of jealousy and feelings of being left out. That's a tough fight. I already feel left out enough. I'd rather not intentionally harm myself more so, we are done done.

Audience is not community.

Now I'm getting off YouTube (except for my very favorite sailing channel, Sailing la Vagabond). My mind is done with the unnecessary noise.

Here are some things I'd like to focus on instead:

Prayer

Sailing

American sign language

Thrifting

Outdoor adventures

Saving/making money

Being grateful

Stretching

Homemaking

Meditation

Volunteering

Dyeing my hair pink

Meeting new people

My health (that's a doozy)

Wish me luck 🤞🏻

[littlepatchofgrass]

Today

Something is wrong with my spine so my jaw isn't working properly and my neck is bothering me. Della is crawling all over the place, pulling herself up to stand in new places like the toilet, a laundry basket and an end table. My cat and I are sitting in the sun. She lets Della grab her paws and fur. Track: peaceful guitar. I wipe her runny nose, again. We take our pre-nap laps around the house. I notice a stink bug trying to get in and the bright green grass. Even though there are just as many things to get done as yesterday, for some reason I feel more peaceful. Most bright and sunny days I feel too wound up to want to hold Della through her nap but today I almost couldn't put her down. I'm thankful for the few days per month when I feel okay.

[littlepatchofgrass]

Don't be shy

Della and I are taking a quick break in the library parking lot. She is napping and I'm wondering why I've never offered to help people with kids before. We just finished lunch at Panera which, it turns out, isn't super baby friendly (at least for me). I have to hold her, the pager, and a water cup and still be able to hold the receipt they give after my credit card is away and I've situated everything already. I was so nervous to carry Della and soup and salad but we managed to sit down before she grabbed the bowls. I wondered if I should have sat closer to where the food comes out or by the trash can/high chairs. I so wished someone would have offered to get my food or put the high chair away. Is it acceptable to ask another guest for help?

Many months ago the three of us went out to eat at our favorite restaurant. It was one of the worst days we've had so far and the only reason we went out was because the restaurant is 30 min away and Della really needed to sleep and she sleeps in the car so well. We must have looked awful because a family of five sneakily paid for our food. They left before us and when the host told us the news Patrick teared up and I was on the verge of a full on bawling session. I still tear up when I think about it.

It's so nice to notice other people and offer help or be helped. I regret not offering a hand more before having a baby and hope to find ways to help even with all the water cups and receipts and high chairs.

[littlepatchofgrass]

In a book I recently read I learned the difference between an adventure and a quest. The point of the section was to outline the importance of teens having adventure with purpose to help them find meaning in life and feel fulfilled. A few days later I started watching the Blue Zones show on Netflix and as the author/researcher introduced himself he described needing "adventure with purpose" to which I said aloud, "a quest!".

My first mini quest was to make friends with the woman who walks her dog by our house everyday. It's a mini quest to me because I'm still practicing talking to strangers. Having a baby has really helped but I want to keep getting better. A few weeks ago, when I decided to meet her, I spent some time brainstorming conversation topics but wasn't thrilled with what I'd come up with. Then, a "divine download" as some call it. "Buy her dog a treat." So baby and I picked one out and we've been trying to find her ever since.

Today was our lucky day! We finally made it out the door early enough to catch her! Her name is Launa but I'm not sure how it's spelled. If it's spelled this way, in Hawaiian it means "to meet". Can you even believe that?! Her dogs name is Archie and they were both pleasantly surprised with the treat. <3

Quest 1: Status: Complete

[littlepatchofgrass]

Baptism

If my faith were an image it would be a flame on a tiny tea light candle that burns throughout the night. It was placed in front of a larger than life statue of Mary, or maybe Joseph, in a cathedral in Europe that has withstood the hundreds of years of history passing by outside its walls. It was placed there by an older woman after her family settled down for the night. She has a heavy heart, a soul void, so before going to bed she puts on a shall and walks to the cathedral in the center of town. No one sees her trust her lighted prayers to the statue of Mary, or Joseph, but they glow all night.

--

This August was the one year anniversary of my re-baptism. I like prefacing baptism with the "re". It reminds me of the years of longing and disappointment but deep gratitude of knowing God was walking with me in the struggle, crafting the best outcome.

Now there are new struggles, as there always is. The inner tension begins with a problem or unsettling realization in which the way forward is unclear. I know it's important when I can't find peace in any of the solutions I can think of. (That's a lot of "I's".) There have been a few memorable moments in the past couple of years where I've not known what to do and had to sit in the unease until God spoke. It happened most recently in a vision. I'm not sure how to explain the difference between a vision and a dream, but if you have one, you just know.

The baptism thing was a bit different. Every time we'd attend the quarterly church baptism I felt shut out by what I believed was a once in a lifetime act. Then all of a sudden, the way forward became clear. Only a week passed between the realization and the baptism. Our good friends Keri and Grant baptized me in my favorite local body of water. It was their first time baptizing someone. It was so sweet to learn about what it means to make disciples and baptize as "common" believers. It was a challenge though to have a handful of people watch and while it was special to have those people there, a part of me wished I could have baptized myself. My faith is so precious to me, so close to my soul it can be hard to let it show. A tea light candle if you will.

It isn't our first instinct to wait and watch when we are stuck but what I've learned in the last five or so years is that waiting with God will no doubt be be worth it. I love the following line:

"You, God, who live next door

If at times, through the long night, I trouble you with my urgent knocking- this is why: I hear you breathe so seldom.". - Pádraig Ó Tuama

May we have more encounters with God that leave us speechless.

[littlepatchofgrass]

30

We've started a tradition for birthdays that is really special. We all sit around a table and brainstorm things the birthday person might do in their next year of life. Then the person of honor adds a few things to the list. Listening to the things they want to do for themselves feels like we've been let in on a secret, like they have uttered something alight with shy possibility. Maybe it's just me, a list loving type A, but creating a physical list together seems motivating and the encouragement of others helps stir up excitement for even the smallest of dreams. We get to cheer them on, check on them throughout the year, and watch them achieve the things they shared on that special day, things they might not have done or that they did do but weren't celebrated as accomplishments. These things can be small or big. A tradesman can find a way volunteer his services in his community or an up and coming gymnast can buy a fun new leotard to wear to practice. The three things I added to my list this year were to learn how to do a handstand, learn and perfect a simple magic trick, and learn and practice the basics of sailing.

I recently wrote about loneliness and think this tradition has helped me in a way I hadn't anticipated. The birthday list helps me do things I actually want to do but haven't found time to do yet and they help kick into gear the dreaming part of our hearts which is so needed as adults. But the surprising part is that chasing our dreams leads to more interesting conversations and, so far, a weekend trip to the lake with friends which wouldn't have happened without pursuing my dream to learn how to sail.

Remember when the possibilities were endless? Maybe I'm the only one, but I really need to see that they still are.

--

The magic trick and handstand need a bit more work but I'm beyond proud of myself for taking the first step in what seems like a crazy dream, learning to sail.

--

Ideas for year 31:

- take that solo weekend trip

- start that July trip tradition

- make patchwork placemats

[littlepatchofgrass]

Loneliness

Almost four years ago I made one of the hardest decisions I've made as an adult and left a job I loved. My cube was huge. My windows were huge. My plants grew huge. I loved doing paperwork and self managing, diffusing oils and decorating for the holidays. It was quiet but the five of us in the back hallway had more fun than can be described. We'd play jokes on each other, go for afternoon walks, play silly music, set up mini office games, and put up photos of our celebrity crushes. We talked about everything. We were 23, 25, 38, 42, and 45 and we were closer than peas in a pod. We were "the chicks in the sticks".

I was the first of three of us that left. I have a photo of us on my last day. We went on one final walk around the parking lot at the end of my shift and in our last photo we are all smiling but even now, I can see the heart tears. I felt like I was breaking us all up. I've been somewhat lonely ever since.

I'm not sure how to build friendships that strong apart from daily physical presence but I crave it. I want to know everything deep in your heart and I want you to surprise me with silly random gifts and reminders of something I said two months ago that made you laugh. I want to be there when you're struggling and know everything about your extended family.

Instagram used to make me feel connected to my people but I'm over it. I came across a quote that summed up what I was feeling. "Audience is not community". I suppose this outlet is the same thing but it at least keeps me from being distracted by reels. I'm trying to stay open to deeper, meaningful conversation and don't know how else to do it right now with the limited time I have with everyone. For example, I've been struggling with what we think is anxiety. It's been so bad that I got intensely sick. Then I tried acupuncture and it seems to be helping. How do I bring that up in the two hours we have together once or twice (or less) per month? 😫

Also, I'm craving good friendships with people older than me. There is an energetic grey haired woman who walks her dog along the same route by our house every morning between 8-8:15 AM and today I made a deal with God. I looked up and said, "let's make her our friend".

So whatever all that is summed up in a prayer, that's what I'm praying.

[littlepatchofgrass]

My dreams part one:

Take the trans-canada train trip in winter

Hike the Pacific Northwest Trail (in sections because I'm not into bears)

Hike the MN portion of the North Country Trail (also in sections)

Visit all the national parks by the time I'm dead

Visit Jerusalem and the pyramids in Egypt

Vacation in the carribean for one week in a beach front house with family or friends

Learn ASL

Learn to sail

[littlepatchofgrass]

God's Islands

My daughter's eyes look like islands

from the atmosphere.

Her iris’ center is the color of wet sand in winter, not quite brown but not tan either. The shape is irregular as if the island is a lone mountain with both soft, curved edges and sharp points. The next layer is light blue, the color of shallow ocean water. Then it drops off into the abyss of deep blue. I realize I am searching for the perfect island just like I am searching for the perfect meadow. 

Her name is Meadow and her eyes are the islands. 

—

One day, in middle school, I decided I would never give birth. I was grossed out by the process and saddened by the sheer number of children without families so I decided I would adopt. My decision was final and I trusted God to bring me a partner who felt the same way. Fast forward five years into marriage. I had never been able to seriously talk about having a biological child and tried to force every alternative possible. Several months into speaking with a therapist, four months into foster care training, dozens of conversations that continued to increase my anxiety and I couldn’t do it any more. It felt like I was fighting against the inevitable and it made me so sad. I grieved for the sacrifice I knew I’d have to make.

In an act of mercy God revealed to me an image of Patrick and I nearing the end of our lives. In the vision we were happy and thankful for how our life turned out but in this scenario we had not had a biological child and that left a hole in our life. The weight of the regret I felt in the future moment overwhelmed the feelings of fear and loss in the present moment and gave me courage to move forward. 

So, exhausted by the fight against myself,  I asked God one more time, “are you sure about this? I’m so scared.” Jesus responded by holding out his hand. I exhaled, closed my eyes, and stepped off the cliff.

– His is the hand that reached out - Isaiah 14:27 MSG –

—

I think about our daughter's birth nearly every day. I can't believe it. I am so thankful.

[littlepatchofgrass]

Me: “No, I don’t find journaling helpful.”

The untitled Google Docs tab peeks at me, unnamed because no, it isn’t what you think it is.

Ok. FINE. Rolls eyes

Have you ever read a book with a description of a nature scene so captivating you wondered if it could possibly exist? Or maybe a scene in a movie? Well, my dream is to find the meadow of a fiction novel. The long grass would be soft and pale green, dotted with wild flowers. I’d sit on a blanket near the periphery, next to the young birch trees whose leaves rustle in the gentle breeze. Our focus is on the morning light finding its way out between the leaves, shining through the wings of the bugs in flight, like glitter. There is someone else with me but they are not in view. We are spellbound together by the peace we didn’t think we could encounter in this world. We would sit forever in awe.

Until that place reveals itself, I'll sit in the moments we do have and attempt to capture their magic.

Thanks for joining me on this little patch of grass.

- From a recovering anti-journaler