lilicouture

[lilicouture]

Would've, Could've, Should've

As the years have flown by, I've become disturbingly aware of the seemingly universally shared experience to wake up one day in your 20s and realize what happened to you. Maybe you can pinpoint the exact moment it started, the burning red flags along the way, the other adults who were aware and were complicit.

I've become painfully aware of how common it is for young women to get preyed upon by older men. By men who are so fucked up in the head and so severely lacking in every aspect of their life that they shower teenage girls with insidious grooming phrases disguised as compliments and use whatever amount of power they have to infiltrate their trust. Because it doesn't take much to impress a teenage girl with little life experience. Like a blank canvas to taint with their own issues or fresh clay to mold and manipulate them into someone with little to no standards who won't dare question anything while nursing their ego. They have already been labeled undesirable and rejected by grown adult women with sufficient life experience who recognize their defects and won't entertain the bullshit.

(Well, most women, but I learned it's not all. I look at the young people I mentor on a regular basis. They are literally babies to me. It makes me sick to my stomach. What potential could a grown adult possibly see? On the other side, it's a mind fuck to me that there are women who are so desperate for companionship and male validation that they're willing to settle for a man who they know has engaged in this abhorrent behavior. Sometimes I remember there was really a woman in her mid-30s who stalked me online for years to send me threats, alerting me she knew "what was going on." As I get closer to her age, I pity her. I wonder how disastrous life must have to go for someone to hold a naive teenager to a higher moral standard than an adult man who weaponized his authority role.)

At some point, there was a lingering feeling; something about it felt evil and grotesque, but I couldn't put it into words. I didn't learn about most of it until my early-mid 20s. I didn't know most of this terminology existed, that so much of what I dealt with wasn't rare. The patterns of emotional abuse were constant almost from day one.

I spent some time now unpacking this, which unexpectedly felt like taking back what was mine when I realized the bigger picture. I experienced the same liberating feeling a few years ago when it became very apparent that despite the years, the major social movements and growing awareness about issues like this, he seemingly hadn't learned anything or changed for the better. No remorse and zero self-awareness, like a textbook narcissist. He must think he's an exception to the monsters who have gone down for doing the exact same things he did. I'll never know but I'm entirely content with that. I'm just thankful nothing went how I "thought" I wanted a decade ago and everything I needed to escape that vicious cycle fell into my path. It was like a switch jolted me awake one day and I haven't felt that disgusted by anything since. There's no way I would've survived that life.

Anyway, it makes me genuinely happy that young people openly talk about this and there is much more information available about it now. I figured if I ever wrote about this, it would be here. It's like a mausoleum of someone else's life.

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most people can’t say they’ve made an appearance in their favorite band’s music video, but i can say i’ve made several! this band is so special to me. and so is this song. then, my lucky streak continued. i was always feeling nostalgic for the tiny venue shows i never got to attend when they were up and coming, but my wish came true recently at an intimate (basically) album release show. and i’ll get to relive it forever when they release the footage from that show.

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So much time on the other side waiting for you to wake up. Maybe I’ll see you in another life if this one wasn’t enough

How big, how blue, how beautiful.

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Reminiscing the immense joy and peace I felt a few months ago on a perfectly warm summer evening during a scenic walk from the Jason Isbell concert at Pier 17 by the Brooklyn Bridge. I ran into the Mister Softee truck and ate the most delicious chocolate-sprinkles-covered soft serve ice cream I’ve ever had while walking to the train to pick up 2 slices of Joe’s Pizza that I ate on the rooftop while on FaceTime with my sister. I took a warm shower, did my whole skincare routine, cracked a window slightly open, and left a nature show muted on the tv as I fell asleep to the soundtrack of New York.

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Years, days. Makes no difference to me. You could pop up on my phone out of the blue and that soft spot will still be there for you just the same.

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god i miss you.

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the rose by hilma af klint / “me and my dog” by boygenius

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I wish I could bend space and time.

I’ve meant every word I’ve ever said. 

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I really hoped I would miss you a lot less by now but it feels like more than I did just a couple of months ago. Idiot.

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between you and me, I thought it would all last a little while longer

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Persist and resist the temptation to ask you

if one thing had been different, would everything be different today?

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Hi

Is anyone here?

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Best concert of my fucking life. I can’t believe I got to experience this.

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It doesn’t matter but I always miss you and I’m not sorry.

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me when yet another mediocre white man with an inflated sense of self-importance starts talking

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It’s just hitting me that I’m finally going to see The National for the first time! I’m so excited to hear so many of my favorites! 

Quiet Light brought tears to my eyes the first time I heard it. I was walking around LP and had to sit down a minute in. Frankly, it tears my heart up the same way every time I listen to it. 

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I don’t know why this made me cry so much.