lileonovaa

[lileonovaa]

My digital diary

[lileonovaa]

I was there when nobody was

what I do to be the only odd one out there, even though I always tried to be there for you from the beginning. And now I’m the last option in everything. I said, "xxxx, let’s roam around the world," only for you to say something rude back. The further it gets, the more I realize I was never really your friend. All those lies—is it because I’m different from the rest? Is it because I’m stupid enough to be around? And that I'm extremely embarrassing?

All I wish for is some honesty, but instead I get a facade. I wouldn’t have chosen this life if I knew I meant nothing to you or anyone else. All I want is a friend who is eager to talk to me and take me anywhere and everywhere. Not just shut me down. I was there for you when nobody was; I always tried to be, but you were never there for me, even after I asked you to be. 

When I do open up, all I get is, "You’re being immature and sensitive; why don’t you grow up?" I would get to know from a third person that you have said all these things about me. I just wonder why you couldn’t just be honest instead of giving me fake concerns. One of the reasons why I hate opening up now is because nobody really listens to me anymore, or nobody ever did. 

I’m just a dumb person who just deserves to get rude comments constantly: "Rue, shut up," "Rue, I don’t care if you don’t talk to me," when I try to get your attention. I feel like I have nobody, even when you just claim that you’re my friend. My existence is a problem for so many people now, mostly you. Nobody calls me; everyone calls you. What is wrong with me, and why does nobody care? I thought I was close to you and everyone. It’s okay, though; I just wish everyone told me straight away that I shouldn’t be here anymore instead of fake love. I’m stuck here for two more years, and once that ends, I’ll disappear, so that’s good for you and everyone. 

[lileonovaa]

Blue

I called him because she desperately needed help. Nobody could afford that except for him, so I called him, and I was shocked to see he was there. It felt like he got here in 10 minutes, even though he had to take a 16-hour plane ride to get here.

He came running towards her and held her like she had always dreamed of it; she was so tiny she fit perfectly in his arms, and he held her like he would never drop her. She wasn’t shocked because she knew he would return home to her.

And he didn’t look shocked because he knew she was waiting for him and her door was always open. This was a gateway to his home and heaven. 

She loves him unconditionally, and he is always welcome to come back no matter what happens because she’ll always open her mind, her heart, and her soul for him. He is who she is; his soul is hers, and that’s how she wants everything to be, even when he’s far away.

I never understood why, when she yells out of the blue, "25th is my favorite thing, no matter what month it is," but when I saw him running, he looked like he was going to lose something and he could not afford to witness it. Those eyes were enough for me to understand why she is the way she is. 

and I noticed it was the 25th.

-By me

[lileonovaa]

When I think of him, there’s this specific smell that I get, which I really like for some reason. When I’m not talking to him, I don’t acknowledge that smell, but as soon as he gets in my mind or we start talking, I feel it, and it gives me chills down my spine. It’s a good smell. I don’t like talking about my past, but I never seemed to like the scent, and it always ended badly. I’m guessing that this scent of his, which is obviously in my head, is there in a way to remind me that we are going to live together for the rest of our lives, and I like that side of my mind. I love music, and so does he. The violin and piano are like two soulmates that are destined to be entwined by destiny. No matter how many times they are reborn, the red thread always connects them. Because they are destined to fill each other, comfort each other whenever they can, and be there for each other because if not for them, no other creature will do. This may be one of the reasons why I daydream about me playing the violin and him playing the piano a lot. It is part of the reason I love music. I dream about our house all the time; it doesn't exist yet, but I long for it. I feel lost, and I know I won't be once I'm with him in a house full of dreams. I hear children laughing, I see myself running around happily, and I see him watching us with a big smile. Of all the visions that I have, the one that I love the most is the one where I am able to look at the world and tell the whole universe that I am here. I am finally here, and that is because of him. And from me to him, much more love. I truly do, and I hope he knows how much I mean it.

[lileonovaa]

K, and I to you, much more love.

There’s a boy that I fell in love with, and this time, I don't think I will ever forget that. I seem to struggle to remember what I feel or have felt about anything. I feel blue. I feel a sense of sadness in a good way when he refers to me as his. I always tend to step back, just give up, and pursue isolation. All my life, I have been isolated; being used to that sort of melancholy always made sense to me. With him, it's a different kind of sadness, something thats even more addictive than the ones I felt before. In sadness, I feel better, and the more I give up on things, the more I feel free. With this one, I don't feel the need to give up, nor do I feel like I should run after it, because I know he’s right there; even if he’s gone, it's okay as long as he’s happy. I feel like I'm not good for him, but it's okay to be greedy. I will always want and need him until he says so, but he cannot snatch away the blues I feel for him; they'll always be there no matter what. Like an illustrated black and white paper girl sitting in complete darkness, the blueness that she feels around her heart shines bright and gradually grows in a way that shows her love for him, and she’s tightly protecting it with her tiny bare hands. He's extremely different than me; sure, there are things both me and him could relate to. As a child, I always thought being able to relate to someone was how you knew they were the one for you, but with him, we just make sense; it's odd in a beautiful way that I can’t really bring myself to understand why it is, but it's beautiful for sure. He's not perfect, which may be why I like him. I'm sure it's love, but I don't think theres a real reason why or how it works out. All I know is that it works out. He's extremely rare, and somehow he knows about everything, yet I still wouldn’t consider him perfect. I don't idolize him, nor does he idolize me, and I think that’s the most beautiful thing about us. He's not perfect, but his eyes, laugh, hair, piercings, and him as a whole just make the world a better place. He’s truly a poet in a way. I asked him, How do I make you feel? He said it was like the relief of waking up and realizing your life is still normal after a nightmare. that stuck to my mind forever, and sometimes his words just feel like a road trip to Neptune. That's another dream of mine—just us floating our way to the absolute blue planet. Though at times I feel like I'm his nightmare, I tend to upset him a lot, which is one of the reasons why I think I'm not good enough for him. I feel like the stupidest person on the planet, and I am extremely sensitive. I hate who I am as a person. I will be honest; sometimes he says the most gut-wrenching thing ever, and I will just start panicking. I would just cry and imagine hugging him tightly because, even if he doesn’t apologize, I know he’s truly sorry, yet I do expect him to say something because I overthink a lot. It’s unbelievable and unbearable. He's far; he's as far as the moon from the earth, but it's okay. Even though we are oceans apart. My dreams and him are the same in the way, I love them both to the point, even the afterlife wouldn't satisfy me. He loves being loved by me Though I wish I could have made sense to him as a person. I don’t know why I am the way I am, but i know for a fact that he’s as beautiful as the ocean, and I love the ocean so much that I could never stop admiring his beauty. He’s got his momma’s beauty; she’s got the kind soul look in her eyes, and I hope she likes me. Most people would say it’s unfortunate to depend on someone to feel happiness, and I could see why at times because when I upset him, I feel like I'm suffering from a heart attack; my chest hurts like I'm being shot constantly. and I can’t do much other than apologize constantly. I can see why he thinks I don’t really mean it because it can be aggravating, but I do, from the bottom of my heart, always.

[lileonovaa]

Moon lovers

It's Sunday morning. I see him playing Marriage d'amour on his piano with his eyes closed. Every time I see him play, I fall in love over and over again. This piece always reminds me of our first eye contact, first meeting, and the first time we fell in love and the first time we ever kissed. once during the winter break. I was at the college library. I fell asleep. He kissed my forehead. I sensed him even in my dreams. He smells soft and angelic, with a dash of floral feminine energy. He slept next to me. I got up and saw him sleeping close to me, almost closer than my next breath. My eyes enlarged and my heart started beating super fast. I could see his teeny tiny hair lined up next to each other between his eyebrows. Later, I kissed his forehead and closed my eyes. I cherish this memory so badly that it's tattooed on my mind. I remember the happy, good times and the sad, sorrowful times. From the beginning to now and later, all the memories just come to mind when he plays this piece. What I interpret from this piece: a moon wedding with cherry blossom trees floating in space, is what I see. I could tell how he was feeling at the moment by his play. He's gentle towards the keys on the piano, so he is happy and calm. Every time I see him play, I always feel like we are on the moon. I picture myself sitting next to him and lying my back on his while we are floating on the moon with the piano. Our feelings float through space as each note is made. I could hear little girls laughing as they float around the moon and try to catch each other and not let each other go. It was made to be our song. What’s more beautiful than watching someone genuinely play the piano with nothing more to look forward to? Nothing is as beautiful as what I get to experience every day.

-by me

[lileonovaa]

Anais Nin, The Diary of Anais Nin Vol. 1

[lileonovaa]

Intrusive thoughts

My writing in this is all over the place, clearly but ehh

-by me

[lileonovaa]

"im a creep im a weirdo" yeah well i am drowning. there is so sign of land. you are coming down with me, hand in unlovable hand

[lileonovaa]

you can have a whole lot of reasons to be happy right in front of you and still feel off, still feel sad. even if it feels illogical and you beat yourself up thinking “but there’s so much to be grateful for” that doesn’t make you not grateful or broken. emotions are just too complicated for words or even sense. it’s okay to feel sad in good times.

[lileonovaa]

I love you god 

"We are parasites on earth And We are his heart, his soul in heaven"

-by me

[lileonovaa]

Written by a girl, she daydreams about her soulmate, hoping that one day what she says will be how he visually perceives her.

-by me LOL

[lileonovaa]

She is 17. Who looks half old and half childlike. With a dry, boring personality, with ugly skin, a slightly big nose, and small lips.

who is totally blind without the glasses, with tiny feet and tiny fingers, and with dry ashy hair that constantly has a fall every now and then.

with big boobs and a small butt.

who once had a dream of becoming a violin prodigy.

who used to have some pretty unrealistic dreams and ambitions. With no where to go in life, who wishes to stop breathing any time soon.

who is extremely dumb and wouldn't have survived school if it wasn't for her friends.

Who struggles to have a basic conversation with strangers.

Who has no more wishes except to die. Who doesn't mind being a lost soul anymore.

Who once had a dream of becoming a beautiful poet. It is no more.

They don't exist anymore.

Mentally and physically, her body hangs around just for the sake of living.

-by me

[lileonovaa]

Eren's pov

If I hadn't fought back, our home would have been destroyed.

But watching these innocent kids dying on this strange island hurts as much as watching my people dying.

I don’t deserve forgiveness, neither from you, god, nor from these people.

I will forever hate myself for what I have just committed.

But what choice did I have?

I didn't have much time to come up with a solution.

I felt like even if 100 years had passed, I still wouldn’t be able to come up with a solution.

I had no time for reality.

They were going to attack my home any minute, any second.

I couldn’t just sit and watch them destroy my home.

I know what I did is wrong, and the guilt is filling every inch of air near me that I can't breathe properly.

But I would feel far worse if I chose not to fight back.

I didn't do this out of revenge.

All I wanted was to breathe where freedom is and grow old with her near the sea.

But everything comes with a sacrifice, doesn't it? So I choose my people over me and the world.

I wanted her to live fully, as well as my friends.

Nothing much, just this.

Even if I didn't succeed, I would still want to provide an adequate life for my friends.

Even if I end up going to hell.

I am fine with it as long as they live and breathe that Freedom air.

I just wish I could meet them all one more time and express my true feelings, which I have always been waiting to do, but nevertheless, them being alive is enough.

-by me

[lileonovaa]

GOD I just want to be CREATIVE but all my energy is being used to survive

[lileonovaa]

Fyodor Dostoevsky ― Crime and Punishment

[lileonovaa]

Mama is back 💞💞

After Emily Dickinson’s ‘hope is a thing with feathers’

“Yet, neer, in extremity,

it asked a crumb- of Me”

We pray with open palms and steady tongues

I say i have no idea what i want

but when i sit at the prayer mat, 

both the tears and tongue will not stop.

I say I do not like living 

and then i walk on the sidewalk,

and then i smile at strangers,

and then I tell my sister a story

and then i ask my mother if she needs help

Lets do that next time,

see you soon

I’ll add that to my list

I say I don’t feel beautiful 

then I catch myself in the mirror

my brother’s smile looks back at me

and i love myself a little

I say life is meaningless and then 

i try to make my friends laugh,

I listen to the birds

and whisper to the walls

i say there is no joy

and then i draw hearts on fogged up windows

ad then i watch the sky turn blue at sunrise

im learning to love

just because i can

i run

i say i am tired

and then i get out of bed,

even if just to stretch my limbs.

I’ll breathe a sigh

and try to sniff flowers and carve initials onto trees

I say I feel hopeless 

and then

i hope, and hope

and hope.