letterstolovely

[letterstolovely]

Lovely,

I’m sorry that I am not enough for you. I’m so sorry that I cannot heal your wounds. I will try every single one of my days to brighten yours. I will never stop trying. You can always, always come to me and I will feed you and reassure you and clothe you in compliments and love and every nice thing. I will offer you kindness when you’re not feeling kind and I won’t hate you for your lack of the same. I’ll forgive you even when you’ve hurt me and I’ll continue to be Here for you through every painful day and every dark, agonizing night.

Yes, Lovely, I will lose sleep over you. Yes, my heart will feel like it’s twisting around barbed wire when you’re in pain. No, I won’t admit it to you. You’ll only turn your pain in on yourself. I live every day of my life petrified of losing you.

Please, please don’t leave me. I am sorry, I am so so sorry, that I am not enough to heal you. That I am not enough to save you. That I am not enough of a Reason.

My love is meaningless to you, I know. Valueless, I know. Thin like vapor, I know, and just as hard to grasp.

It hurts me so much because you were enough of a Reason for me. You came into my life and I wasn’t so afraid anymore. You sat through my days of hell without even realizing and you have brought me further through my healing journey than anyone else managed to. I have never given a more sincere apology than this: I am sorry that I cannot do the same. I try, I will always try, and I’ll try so, so hard to be. And it’s not enough.

Please let someone be enough. It’s not me, but please let someone be. Let someone love you. Let someone touch your heart. Let someone open the book that is your soul and read every line—even the ones you call ugly—and let them tell you how much they love you. Let them tell you how beautiful they find those lines, let them tell you how much beauty there is in your brokenness.

You are so loved, so so loved. And so immeasurably valueable.

I’ll sit with you until you can accept it.

[letterstolovely]

Lovely,

Sometimes I lay in my bed and stare at the ceiling when I know you’re laying in yours tearing into yourself while tears run down your face. Sometimes I tell you I love you when I know you won’t believe me because I know no, I don’t know, but I hope to God that one day you’ll be on the brink of jumping into oblivion and you’ll think “Nobody will miss me,” and I hope every single fucking time I’ve ever told you, shown you, proved to you that I love you runs through your mind like a song stuck on repeat. And I hope, I Pray that that song gets stuck in your head. Lovely, I am not enough to fill the oceans this life has drained from you, no matter how I may try. But I can do this. I can love with reckless, immeasurable abandon. I can stand before the hecklers and haters and hard glares and I can call you family. I can write your name on the walls of my heart that are covered in titles like Mom and Dad and Grandmother and Grandfather and Sister and Brother and I can give you a home to come to and I can leave my doors open to you like my heart and the lights on for you like my ringer.

I know you don’t believe you deserve that love. I know you believe you don’t deserve that love (a subtle but important distinction). But it is mine to say who deserves the love I choose to bestow. Please accept it, Lovely. Please. You’re always in my heart, as my friend, as my family. Please do not disregard that. Please stay. I wish you would stay for me... but I know you won’t. So please stay, just because. You deserve love even though the person you begged to get it from refused. You deserve love whether you feel like it or not. So please, for the love of everything nice, please don’t shut mine out.