lets-magicalbouquetlove-blog

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Goodbye Forever Heather </3

#1/10/19 #8:00 pm

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happy birthday <3

My frivolous purchase of a dildo just came in & I’m just gonna say it’s my birthday present because my birthday is coming up soon. Holy shit I will be 20!

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i’m going to miss bringing heather mcdonalds and getting her cinnamon buns and hashbrowns 

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this page

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Day 11 without heather: So far I’ve had one mental breakdown early this morning I coded a lot this morning and I want to continue coding all day.  I wish heather was here so I could skype her and see her pretty face. I’m annoyed because I am becoming a stalker but all I’m waiting for is a response in which if I don’t get one today then I give up.  I’m never gonna date anyone again because I don’t want to hurt them. I don’t want to hurt anyone else. I’m sorry.

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I’m so annoying. I can’t get over heather. It’s difficult af. The issue I’m having is that I don’t want to get over her.  I believe that she is the one. I’ll never meet anyone like her and with her personality too, it’s soo unique.  She’s perfect and I’m just a fucking potato.  Nothing I can say will win her back I know that but I wish I had done things differently in our relationship. I wish I didn’t ruin it so many times. 

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Memories

The lizard at lunch when we first met.  The mornings youd wait for my bus to arrive and then run up and hug me, it was cute. 

When you’d pick me up from my neighborhood and I’d lay on you in your car and play with your hair.  Going to the dollar store a lot since that was our meetup point for most of our hangouts and then buying you gifts in there.  When I was in comp class watching a movie and you were allowed in and you were touching my leg was so cute.  Math class with loftus was so much fun. Since you sat next to me basically the entire time.  All the high school memories were great. Not one bad one at all.  Memories from college with me The first time I went to your dorm and I was lost and you had to help me.  When we went to the botanical garden and saw cats.  Thanksgiving this past year when I was able to sneak you into my hotel since my grandma is cool af and we used bathbombs in the bathtub.  All the times we would skype and sleep on skype together. It was nearly every night, it made me feel safe and I was glad you were there. I loved waking up to see you sleeping, you were so cute.  When you got me another eevee for my birthday, I was so happy. I loved it.  The excitement you had when you made a netflix account just for us.  I loved taking you out to drive bae. I want to drive with you more, you are cute driving.  The three days we were going to hang out on was going to be a memory to remember, now you made it a memory I don’t want to remember lol. But maybe it is a good memory, maybe it means it’s a new beginning. Like how they had the 2nd great awakening, maybe this is OUR second great awakening idk Memories we could make still Getting Married <3 Watching netflix together and chill lol (like actually chill, we can eat ice cream and stuff) I want to watch the sunset with you again.  Living with each other and combining our money and stuff I’d let you control the money and I would clean the house bc i like cleaning stuff We could get pets and live with them and play with them We could watch anime on our days off and go on fun dates DINNER DATES!!! we could go to fancy ass restaurants and be like “yeahhhh this me” lol We could go on vacation and go to romantic places.  I want to get flower petals and spread them all over and then have you walk into the door seeing all of it. I know its cliche but I think it’d be cute still.  We could code together or or or we could learn about science and stuff. Either way, it’d be so cool to teach each other each others profession so that way we can both know it without the degree. I can teach you CS and I can learn medicine stuff or neurosciences stuff.  I want you to be there for when i get my teeth out, I want to hold your hand the entire time as they do it because I’ll be unconscious and I know how much you worried the last time I was unconscious from the blood drive. But this time I will be safe, but it’d be cute if you were there. Plus I would need a driver to bring me back home.  I want you in my life because I want you to be part of my website. If it becomes big then WE will be rich bae. I will do all the coding for the site and you can come up with ideas. 

Give me another chance please?

@fundmyescape

#fundmyescape

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All I can say at this point is sorry and ask for another chance. I won’t hold you back anymore. I won’t hurt you and abuse you anymore. Out of everything that’s happened in your life, I’m the only one who has apologized for what’s happened in your past. I know I can’t change what has happened in it, but I want to comfort you, I want to hug you whenever you dissociate. I know you dissociated around me and I’m sorry I made that happened. I’m sorry I enabled you. I’m sorry.  I love you heather. I miss you so much. If you want to talk we can use google hangouts, it doesn’t require any downloading anything and it’s free. 

If you want nothing to do with me ever again then I understand and this will be the last time you ever hear from me. 

@fundmyescape

#fundmyescape

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No girl deserves to deal with me. I might as well just ignore the whole world and stay on the internet. I’m fucking useless. I’m fucking a waste of time and space. I’ve taught no one anything, I’ve done nothing good for this world. I can’t do anything right. I always mess up and I can’t fucking learn as quickly as others. I have fucking disabilities and I try my best to not make it a big deal because it doesn’t seem too extreme but as I grow up it seems to be getting worse.  ADHD, Aspergers, and I feel like I’m a bit Bipolar. (Which might make sense since my sister has a ton of Bipolarness) I’m tired of these fucking disabilities getting in my fucking way of everything.  My Education, My Relationship, and My fucking Life. I fucking hate it. If I had a gun right now, I’d fucking end my life. I want to fucking die. I don’t deserve to live. I’m abusive, I’m retarded, and I have no purpose in life. I hurt people unintentionally, I’m antisocial, and I can’t keep my thoughts organized. I fucking say things that I don’t mean and I say things out of order which end up coming out wrong. I say things with the intention of being good but come out wrong.  I’m sorry.  I’m fucking sorry.  I wish I can be better, I’m sorry it’s fucking hard to do sometimes. I’m not trying to use my issues as an excuse because I’m too self-aware of it sometimes that I know it can’t be the entire issue. I’m so fucking tired of life.  Heather was the only person that held me together. She stopped me from being suicidal because I thought I had no one, I thought I was alone forever. But then she came along and she changed my life. I hate how this may sound fucking manipulative and I’m self-aware of it and It’s fucking annoying. I can’t say anything without sounding like I’m doing something wrong. It’s my fault. I’m sorry.  Heather was the person who taught me to not see everything as my fault when we first started dating and now I’m getting back into that. Because this time it’s true. Everything bad in our relationship happened because of me. She broke up with me because I’m fucking mental and a fucking issue in her life. She thinks I’m holding her back in life because I can’t fucking keep up. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m retarded and not smart enough to keep up. I’m always one step behind but somehow feel miles behind because I am. She’s so smart and I’m not. I’m proud of her so fucking much, she deserves the best and I was trying. What happened in her past is so fucking terrible and she deserves better. I’ve always supported her and been on her side.  I want it all to end. I hate that I get so emotional that I get angry at heather but I’m not angry at her. I’m angry at myself and I take it out on her and she doesn’t deserve that. She has done nothing but helped me. I’m sorry. I fucking love you. I miss you. I’m sorry.  I want to get back together because I know things will be different. I will try and not hold you back at all, I will support you and motivate you. I’ll stop abusing you. I’ll stop hurting you. I’ll stop being mean to you. I’ll be careful with what I say. I’m sorry Please one more chance? The answer is No because that’s all you’ve said so far and you’ve said nothing will change your mind.  The day that I first met you was so much fun, when you didn’t show up to lunch the next day I thought meeting you was all a dream and you weren’t real. But then you came back the next week and my life changed after that. You’ve taught me to be independent heather, despite how it looks now.  I miss you. Please respond to me or call me. I miss you.  

@fundmyescape edit: this was at like 5 am and I had like a mental breakdown.

#fundmyescape

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@fundmyescape I’m really sorry. You don’t know how much you mean to me and I’m sorry I ruined it. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.  I won’t forgive myself. I won’t date anyone else every again. I don’t want to ruin or abuse anyone else like I did to you. I’m sorry I abused you. I’m sorry for everything. I miss you and I miss our memories. I would love to create new memories and be together forever.  But it seems you’ve really moved on. I’m sorry for trying so hard. I’m sorry for doing all those things. I’m sorry for getting angry. I’m sorry for abusing you emotionally. You don’t deserve it, I’m sorry. Can I please have another chance? Please? I’m sorry, I truly am heather.

#fundmyescape #please

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[x]a]s[\]z/][]a[]2\]]-=(087&(-][[]\

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it really is over

fuck i fucked up

i hate myself so much

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Day 10 without heather

I’m still sad but it looks like she is improving a bit on her PTSD. I’m very proud of her. Time to sleep  9:08 pm 1/9/19

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help with mine too lol

Goals for today

Read all unread e-mails

Purchase the rest of what I need to purchase

Complete syllabus quiz

Fill out my planner

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yay lists

Goals for today

Read all unread e-mails

Purchase the rest of what I need to purchase

Complete syllabus quiz

Fill out my planner

[lets-magicalbouquetlove-blog]

YES YOU WILL, YOU WILL BE PURE ONE DAY. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. YOU WILL BE PURE. YOU WILL BE PURR. YOU WILL PURR. YOU’LL PURR

I’ll never be pure

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Hey, if today didn’t go right, you always have tommorow! Remember, take little steps to recovery. You’re amazing!

💌