leavethemallbehind

[leavethemallbehind]

new home, let’s work together

it’s been weeks since i moved and it’s been a year since i moved out from mama’s house. i can’t say that i’m shocked i survived a year alone - but i’m so proud of myself for not giving up. 

a lot of things happened in that year; some i needed other people to help me cope, most of it i did alone - and for that i’m forever grateful to myself to everyone who stayed. 

it did not take awhile for me to be at home in my new home. it’s bigger, i have so much space that i don’t know what to do with, but i’m excited. bigger space means new memories, new favorite moments, and new favorite spot. 

somehow i wish i’m sharing these with my family. someday, maybe, but not now. 

i wish us a year of happiness, contentment, and wealth. i love you.

[leavethemallbehind]

you deserve happiness, jude.

i just finished A Little Life— written by Hanya Yanagihara — after almost a year of reading it. I bought the book on January 2022 and finished it today 16th of December, the same year.

i went in blind. i didn’t know what it was about. although a few tiktok users from booktok kind of said something good about it, i really didn’t know anything about the plot/story/character. so when i started reading it, i was confused but amazed at the same time. i don’t normally read books written in third person point of view but i still continued because i believed in what those tiktok users from booktok said, it’ll be worth it was what i keep on telling myself. 

i did not read this just during my free time. i actually made time for it. i built a habit that i would only read it in coffee shops. so like an unspoken rule, i did. it took me almost 9 months to consider reading it at home where i can cry the fuck out of my life. 

i would make excuses as to why it took me this long to finish it but the only reason i really have is: i’m not that intrigued. altho i am happy i did, all the lessons i got every time i read a few pages was surely tattooed on my soul. i also remember saying that this book is meant to be read slowly— to justify my reading routine and because i actually recommend to consume this book in your own time, especially if you’re struggling with mental health. 

first few chapters or maybe just first one, i keep on saying that i relate to jude. we think alike were my exact words. but as i read more chapters i realized jude was waaaaay farther from me. and i knew right away, jude knows what he wants but i kind of wish those things were good for him, too.

jude, i love you. i’m sorry you had to go through those things, i’m sorry you met the worst fucking people. but i’m happy you got to meet and love willem, harold, julia, malcolm, richard, sanjay, and a few more friends that truly love you too. i hope you’re in a better place now. free from judgement, from the hyenas, the memories. i hope you’re happy, because god knows how much you fucking deserve it. i’m sorry it didn’t come sooner, i wish i can control everything to give you every thing that will make you happy. 

harold, yes. he was happy with you. and i’m sorry you had to watch all of those things unfold. funny how the one thing you feared the most chased you like knives falling from the sky after decades of avoiding it. i’m sorry you lost all your children. i wish i can say things will get better. 

and no, i don’t recommend this book to you if you’re not in a better place. 

[leavethemallbehind]

i feel like the universe is power tripping me right now

it’s been days or weeks since my body clock changed from sleeping at 10 pm and waking up around 6 am to sleeping i-don’t-know-when and waking up literally in the afternoon. 

that’s not really a problem if i don’t start work at 8 am. i did everything in my power to set my body clock the right way because i’m not really a morning person, but i kinda have to be since i live alone and i need to work to provide for myself. 

i don’t know what changed. i don’t know why i started dreaming even before falling asleep...again. i feel like the universe is cooking something behind my back. you know that feeling when you know a person is making faces behind you, that’s my life right now. whatever it is, just drop it already so i can face it if it’s a problem and accept it whole-heartedly if it’s a good thing.

but do not play with me. i’m tired.

these may all be because of the blood coming out of my fucking vagina. 

[leavethemallbehind]

i wish i had someone like me

it’s true what they say... what you say is probably what you are.

but it doesn’t just apply to your negatives. it also applies to your needs, desires, dreams, and pain.

i have spent my entire life protecting myself, and extending that protection to those i deemed helpless from the cruelty of our society— or even from their family. 

multiple times i’ve convinced myself that i don’t care about other people’s struggle. i have my own, i keep repeating to myself. i’m already loaded... but no one will listen to them if i don’t. as if someone did for me. 

but it’s not about me, my mantra all my life. it’s about their hardships, i will have my time. for now, tend to their wounded souls. as if someone did for me. 

it took me long enough to realize i had no one. i didn’t let anyone in. because i know none of them are worth it... or none of them will understand and will stay despite all that. 

no one really connected deeply to make me surrender everything. but i’m okay. i’m fine with having no one but myself. i’m enough. 

but looking back to all the things i have said to the people i thought i helped, it all came down to one thing: i needed someone to do to me what i do for other people. i needed someone to care like how i fucking cared for them. 

because i’ll do ANYTHING for their happiness, i had done it for others, but i don’t have anyone that loves me so much they’ll forget decency, morality, just for me to be happy. 

no one.

so is it wrong to wish for someone like me?