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It’s feral hours I’m going to rant about DEH again. I feel like I’ve seen a lot of critical DEH tik toks and such pop up on my feed recently and yes I think the movie is going to be bad because Hollywood ruins musicals for marketability or whatever and they’re cutting things and ben platt is too old for the role etc…BUT whenever I see takes that are like “Evan is creepy and a bad person why do people like this musical” or something similar I’m like ???? I get that DEH’s marketing has been kinda bad (like I’ve always thought they leaned on the social media stuff too much and the premise is really confusing if ur trying to explain it without giving anything away etc.) but I’ve never had trouble reading Evan as an anti-hero. I think it’s clear from the way his actions are framed that you’re not supposed to think he’s a good person…or at least not a kid who is making good, healthy decisions. He’s in a bad mental state and he doesn’t have support. He tells a lie that escalates into more lies and more manipulative behavior and leads to some really poor decisions. He takes advantage of the Murphys, he mistreats and lies to Alana/Jared/his mother, and he actively profits off of Connor’s death. I don’t think these are things that make him a bad character. I think Evan is compelling because he does so many bad things in order to invent a version of himself that he doesn’t hate. He’s a scared kid whose anxiety backs him into a corner. He’s a selfish kid who lies to get the life he’s always wanted. His circumstances don’t excuse his actions but they call into question how we as a society treat people like Evan or Connor. I understand watching DEH and thinking Evan’s actions are unforgivable. I don’t think the narrative ever frames him as a hero. His actions have consequences. He loses everything when the truth comes out. But idk, I like DEH because it’s complicated. I like protagonists who do bad things. I like that DEH shows us lots of dimensions of mental illness and its impacts. I like that it asks us to empathize with someone who makes some terrible mistakes. I like that it examines the complexities of grieving, especially publicly/via the internet. Idk, like I said i think the movie is going to fuck it up and this isn’t to say that I think it’s a perfect musical by any means or that critiques aren’t valid. There are a lot of good critiques of DEH! I just don’t think that “it’s bad bc Evan is bad” is a good one. Media about mental illness is so black and white most of the time, I think I was drawn to DEH bc it’s so nuanced. It just seems like the wider audience it reaches the more that nuance gets flattened or misinterpreted.

#whenever i try to explain the plot to people #i always try so hard to get across the point that evan has serious mental health issues #hes got severe anxiety which rules his life and all his actions #hes a walking ball of pure self hatred #hes suicidal and depressed #all his actions in the show reflect those things really well #and if youve ever dealt with any of those issues all his actions make perfect sense #the show never says that this is a good thing #they make it quite clear that what he is doing is not okay while also explaining exactly why he is doing them #im worried for how the movie will handle this #its kinda a delicate subject to navigate and do it well #time will tell i guess

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Connor has every single symptom of PTSD. What do you think about that?

Copy and pasted from google: 

Behavioral: agitation, irritability, hostility, hypervigilance, self-destructive behavior, or social isolation

Psychological: flashback, fear, severe anxiety, or mistrust

Mood: loss of interest or pleasure in activities, guilt, or loneliness

Sleep: insomnia or nightmares

Also common: emotional detachment or unwanted thoughts

Truthfully, I think the viewers know very little about the depth of Connor’s illness as he never really says much himself before he dies. A lot of mental health symptoms do overlap with each other too. He very easily could have PTSD. He could have multiple things. I mean, most of what was pasted above sounds very Conner-like. Unless it was ever outright stated in fact, then I think it’s open ended as to what you want to diagnose him with. (it makes it great for writing fanfiction lol) 

#asks #connor murphy #dear evan hansen

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Mike Faist in “I Can I Will I Did”

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I just discovered your account so idk if you’re still looking for fluffy/Halloween/autumn Connor fics and idk if you’re into TreeBros but I have a fic I’m working on now where Connor hosts a Halloween party at his house 😁

I don’t write much anymore. Well, I write in my head all the time, but actually typing it out is a whole another mountain lol. But I would  loooovvee to read a fic! Esp Halloween related. I’m a slut for autumn/halloween aesthetics. Feel free to send anything you’ve written my way or tag me in it or whatever you’d like.

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Me, reading my own fanfics and trying to remember the plot so I can update

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Mike Faist in “I Can I Will I Did”

#mike faist #i audibly gasped #i gotta start writing connor again #look at this boy #look at him #im so thirsty

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Depressed Fanfic Writer Moods be like

- you want to write, but there’s nothing in your head - you try to be gentle on yourself about not writing, but Taking A Break only makes you feel more guilty - you have a meltdown when you realize you don’t quite feel your Fictional Children anymore - you want to write! you really do! so you clear out a time block and sit in front of your computer, but then you get distracted with tumblr/youtube/the general internet - you’re going to write that damned chapter. so you start a new fic. - you get an idea when you’re standing under the (very hot) shower. it vanishes into nothingness when you step out. - you try to play the game for inspiration. you find yourself apologizing to all the characters on the screen for letting them down because you haven’t finished their story - you want to kill yourself, but if who do who’s gonna finish that pile of WIPs you have?

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Watching Ben Platt and Laura Dreyfuss walk arm and arm through a library gives me all sorts of feelings.

#the politician #ben platt #laura dreyfuss #dear evan hansen

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more mike content for your saturday

#mike faist #omg ok but that was my patronus too #i think that means we are legally best friends

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im so horny for autumn

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zoe murphy 3/∞

laura dreyfuss

you’ve given me my brother back

#im so queer for the murphy sibblings

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i'd love to be your 8th grade imaginary friend from a different school here i made some cookies and you can have some

Yay! The pros of befriending me are that I take forever to respond to conversations then get nervous that it’s been too long to actually reply and drop them and run away. It’s a very appealing friendship, I know. 

#asks

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I’m gonna need some fluffy/Halloween/autumn Connor fics asap. I’m talking big boots and oversized jackets and warm scaves and crunchy leaves and pumpkins and blushing cold nose kisses and my sweet baby boy. It’s his favorite season and no one can convince me otherwise. 

I lost my ability to write anything comprehensive months ago so someone is going to have to write them for me to consume thank you very much 

#dear evan hansen #connor murphy #deh #connor murphy fic #deh fic

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Tag Game

Rules of the Game: Answer these questions and tag 10 blogs you’d like to know better!

I was tagged by: singtomeinstead.tumblr.com 

Nickname(s): Katie is a nickname for Katherine

Zodiac: Sagittarius, never once remotely related to anything sagittarius related though soooooo

Height: 5′6

Time: 6:12 pm

Favorite band/artists: My Chemical Romance, All Time Low, Panic! at the Disco, Julia Nunes, Marina and the Diamonds, Twenty One Pilots, Kimya Dawson, The Wonder Years, Brand New 

Song stuck in my head: Orgy For One by Ninja Sex Party (it’s not just masturbation, it’s an orgy for one!)

Last movie I saw: I rewatched Room and cried forever. 

Last thing I googled: Chesapeake Bay Retriever (bc I was playing the sims and that dog showed up and was cute af so I had to see what it looked like irl)

Other blogs: eatbrainsfordinner.tumblr.com

Do I get asks: sometimes and it makes me feel special

Why this username: This used to be a blog for an rp character I would write for. Her name was Ivy and she was super into plants. The name Ivy was like poison ivy and a sign that a plant is poison ivy is if it has three leaves…tada leaves-of-three. But then I stopped rping and this blog went dead for a while. Eventually I got into deh and wanted to write fan fics for Connor. Instead of starting a new blog I just decided to clear this one out and use it for my own trash fics. I never thought anyone would actually read my stuff or else I might have put a bit more effort into things and not just recycled an old username but ah well.

Following: like how many am I following or how many people follow me?? Either way it doesn’t matter really

Average amount of sleep: ha…as a suffer of depression and insomnia it’s either going to be like 3 hours or 12 hours…there’s no happy inbetween

Lucky number: I don’t have one. Let me close my eyes and hit some random ones. 34 cool it’s 34 now 

What am I wearing: a beetle juice shirt and leggings and one black sock and one purple one 

Dream Job: The Care of Magical Creatures teacher at Hogwarts. I’m dreaming big and unrealistically here.

Dream Trips: I want to explore anywhere that has big forests and beautiful mountains. 

Favorite food: Chicken fingers

Instruments I play: I was going to make some fart joke but have decided against it.

Eye color: Blue

Hair color: Brown

Aesthetic: lonely misty forests on a cold autumn night

Languages I speak: just English

Most iconic song: It’s gotta be Orgy for One at this point as it’s been literally stuck in my head for the past week. Thanks Danny Sexbang for being a beautiful spandex butterfly and making catchy ass songs.

Random fact: Like Evan, I am also horny for trees. 

omg i literally don’t know ten people to tag this is like that time in 8th grade we were supposed to write about five of our friends and i was like haha i don’t even have one friend so i had to make them up and pretend they just went to a different school lmao im tragic and panicking and bad at talking to people so i never actually get to know anyone and honestly if you’re reading this you can be my friend and pretend I tagged you and you can be my 8th grade imaginary friend from a different school is that weird idk what is punctuation whats up here’s a gif of mike faist to make up for this mess bye

#asks #milke faist #deh #deh fandom

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(also i saw you recently saw deh and it'd be awesome to hear any thoughts you had on the show/performances/whatever)

Also sitting in my drafts folder haha 

There was a really cute part involving a rug being accidentally flipped over at the corner and a certain actor desperately trying to kick it back the right way without tripping over it or breaking character and it was adorable and I need to talk about it with the world 

#asks

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your character studies are so indepth and detailed and asl;kjsdglkj my deh-hyperfocused brain is thriving. i'd lOve to see more studies on the other characters if that was ever something you wanted to do.

This is too sweet and I’m blushing. 

I literally have a draft for every character but for some reason I struggle to ever complete them. I’m the queen of starting things and finishing them about three years later oops 

#asks

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I Saw Dear Evan Hansen Today

Things I found interesting:

I noticed there was a bit of a divide between the types of people there. I saw a lot of young people who were clearly very passionate and giddy about what they were about to see. I couldn’t help but smile every time I saw their faces light up with excitement before the doors were opened or as they chatted before the show started. It reminded me so much of myself in middle and high school (this show would have been a true savior to me back then). I was sat next to a 12 year old girl. She told me she was in a theater group and had been waiting for this show for over a year. I told her I had also been waiting a year with my tickets and I hoped the show was everything she could have imaged and more. 

I saw older people who had a quiet, reserved but deep connection in there eyes. It was as if they carried something heavy with them through the doors and knew what they were about to watch would bring out old, closed off emotions. I don’t know why but I was surprised by how many 60+ people were there. Maybe I didn’t expect them to relate to a show about a modern day teen, but then again, maybe that was my own biased shining through. It made me remember to be more open minded and that everyone has their own struggles regardless of age.

I saw many members of the lbtq+ community with pride shirts or rainbow bands. I noticed out of everyone in the crowds, they seemed to smile the most at others around them. It made me feel a bit more at home.

Then there were...how do I describe them? Imagine rich, white dad’s who have a beautiful summer beach house in Martha’s Vineyard and drink expensive red wine with every meal. Aka imagine Larry Murphy but slightly intoxicated and wearing a polo shirt with a popped collar at 45 yrs old. The theater served alcohol so you could visibly tell that certain people were getting more drunk as the night went on. These were the kind of men that when I looked at them, I felt a bit nervous. Like if we were in high school, they were the popular jocks who shove people like Evan into lockers and laugh. And that’s what I found most telling about them...when they laughed. Clearly DEH has many comedic moments and timing throughout the musical to help break a bit of tension. But these people would laugh at parts that weren’t meant to be funny. They were laughing at lines that, when I heard them for the first time, made my heart ache because I understood and felt the underlining pain behind the words. It was so plain and obvious that those people had never once in their life felt anything close to that. Like they didn’t have the capacity or empathy to relate to what was being said. It wasn’t nervous laughing or not being sure how to react to a situation. It was laughing because they genuinely found it funny. 

I brought my mom to see the play. I knew her and I had gone through something so similar to Evan and Heidi (the depression, anxiety, suicide part...not the fabricating a massive lie to a grieving family part...obviously...) and I thought it would be a really beautiful way to bond and experience it together (it was). Anyway, but after the show, she turned to me and asked “Why were some people laughing when that mother was talking about her dead son or when that boy dropped his note card and was crying on the ground? Why was that funny? It was breaking my heart. How come they laughed?” The fact that even she picked up on it was really telling. Also don’t blame her for not knowing character’s name. She’s awful at names and it was her first time going into the story. 

I don’t really have a point to this. It was just some observations I picked up on of the people around me. I might talk more about the play itself later after it all sinks in. It was truly a beautiful night. I’m happy I got to experience it with my mom. I’m happy I was alive to see it. I’m happy this play exists for people, like me, who needed to feel a connection to someone who also survived despite what their brain was telling them. 

Thank you, Evan Hansen. 

If you happen to read this far, please know that I’m in your corner. I care about you. I want you to succeed. I want you to be healthy. And if you ever need to talk, even if I’m just some stranger on the internet, that I’m willing to listen. 

Take care of yourself and good night. 

#dear evan hansen #evan hansen #deh #connor murphy