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Blessyou Cherry’s Love/Hate for Week 2 - Deep Dive

A Deep Dive

June 15, 1974. Four year old Blessyou Cherry was escorted through a crowded Border's by his loving mother and alcoholic stepfather to grab what would soon become a piece of modern American history. No, not my little Cooper Kupp; he wouldn't Blessme for exactly another 19 years. Damn June 15 should be a celebrated holiday in the Cherry clan household!

No no, on the second most important June 15 of my life, All the President's Men was released to the general public. However, unlike most children influenced by the investigative journalism of Carl Bernstein to study political science, I was drawn to a singular phrase on an open page of the last copy which had slowly fallen off the shelf and onto the floor at my feet: DEEP THROAT. 

I was mesmerized by the imagery invoked by these two simple words. They were powerful when placed together, yet reassuring at the same time. I needed as much deep throat as I could stomach; I knew it in that moment and those feelings never wavered. Just thinking about that moment gets me choked up. Unfortunately, because my birth father was less than genetically gifted, I couldn't pursue either of my preferred career choices and, slightly ahead of the curve, beat Lisa Ann onto the fantasy football field. My wife says she's happy with how things turned out but the despair in her eyes could write a novel longer and thicker than All the President's Men. 

What is the point of this story you may ask? I don't have one. ESPN pays me per word and I'm not allowed to talk like this to my female coworkers anymore so you all have to suffer. Go ahead and complain but remember it could be worse. Mike Greenberg could be writing these for you every week.

Quarterbacks I Love in Week 2

Baker Mayfield, Browns: Never have I ever seen anyone suck as good as Baker Mayfield sucked last week. Take it all in and relax your jaw in awe as Baker tries to turn in two straight mouth watering performances. 

Gardner Minshew, Jaguars: A mustache that would make Lisa Ann herself weak in the knees. Nick Foles' neck proved it couldn't take a pounding from two grown men. Look for Harder Gardner as I call him to go to Texas where everything is bigger and grab this opportunity by the balls. 

Quarterbacks I Hate in Week 2

Tom Brady, Patriots: Has anyone ever seen Tom Brady choke? I don't think he's even come close in his entire career to a legitimate choking situation. 

Ben Roethlisberger, Steelers: Just kidding. We all know what he's capable of after a few mojitos in a college bar. 

Philip Rivers, Chargers: Philip has had nine kids in approximately 18 years. There's only one place he finishes and it's not between the pearly white goal line and goal post nor is it between a pearly white set of teeth. 

Running Back I Love in Week 2

Nick Chubb, Browns: I'm not going to make a "suck" joke this time, just a "Chubb" one. Look for the Browns to pound their Chubb all night next Monday.

Running Back I Hate in Week 2

LeSean McCoy, Chiefs: Metaphorical herpes for fantasy football owners and literal herpes for his sexual partners, strap a flavored condom on if you have no other choice for your flex but remember the tweets from a few years ago...Shady comes up short when it matters most. 

Pass Catchers I Love in Week 2

Antonio Brown, Steelers Raiders Patriots: I love a man who's fucked in the head. Sleep throat of the week special. 

Odell Beckham Jr., Browns: If the rumors are true, he's played for two teams on and off the field. A deep threat every time he steps on the field and a deep throat every time he steps off of it (for legal purposes I have to put allegedly here but like, cum on.)

Pass Catcher I Hate in Week 2

Desean Jackson, Eagles: A surprising hate for many I'm sure as he now trails just Jerry Rice for second all time for most touchdown receptions over 50 yards. However, he simply finishes way too quickly for me. I play fantasy football to enjoy every deep ball and if I blink and it's over then I might as well be my wife on our anniversary. 

A Note From the Writer: I'm going to break the fourth wall here and apologize for making you all read that. I'll be back the next time motivation strikes me deep in my soul.

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2019 What’s the Weekly Challenge Rankings Week 1 Weekly Challenge What Is It IDP Flex Weekly Challenge? Rankings

What’s up YouTubers it’s the Will + Dyl show back at it again with another set of power rankings. And by Will + Dyl back at it again I mean Dylan back at it again while I incoherently ramble nonsensical garbage next to him. We’re off to a great start. Per usual, Dylan will provide his EXPERT level statistical analysis of players and teams, and I’ll pick some stupid meme to run with. This week we’re going with Super Smash Bros because Banjo Kazooie just dropped and it’s the only light in my life outside of Ace and Dairy Delight. Anyway, take it away Dylan.

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Howdy folks! It’s been a while. I’ve wanted to get back into writing Power Rankings, but it seemed like a bad idea. I haven’t followed football late in the 2017-2018 season, and honestly, I have no idea what’s going on. But Will has convinced me that it doesn’t matter, and that I can do these anyway. So without further ado, here are my power rankings, based on what I understand about the league from almost two years ago. 

11. Cleveland Browns

The Browns have been the worst organization in football for about 15 years. Last I checked, this team was losing every single game, finishing the season 0-16. And now it seems that Josh Gordon DeShone Kizer aren’t even there anymore? This team has no shot. I don’t know who this Daniel Jones fellow is, but hopefully he can help; otherwise, this team is primed for a lot of losses. 

Super Smash Bros character: Pichu. If you’ve played Smash Bros, you know that Pichu has nearly the same moveset (if not the same exact moves, sue me Evan I don’t use Pichu) as Pikachu. The only difference is, anytime Pichu attacks, it also hurts itself. Just like me, every time I look at this stupid gimmick team I decided to go with instead of actually trying to win free money.

10. Honedge Heroes

Antonio Brown AND Le’Veon Bell? I’m not a fan of taking the two Steelers, who will steal touches from each other. Brandin Cooks is great, and I like Derrick Henry, but I’ve never even heard of half of this team. This team should suspend any hope they had of being a contender. 

Smash Bro: R.O.B. Rob is a robot, so is Dylan.  I am reminded about a thing I read today on Reddit about a robot. It was written by Douglas Adams. Please hold while I find the quote:

A robot was programmed to believe that it liked herring sandwiches. This was actually the most difficult part of the whole experiment. Once the robot had been programmed to believe that it liked herring sandwiches, a herring sandwich was placed in front of it. Where upon the robot thought to itself, Ah! A herring sandwich! I like herring sandwiches. It would then bend over and scoop up the herring sandwich in its herring sandwich scoop, and then straighten up again. Unfortunately for the robot, it was fashioned in such a way that the action of straightening up caused the herring sandwich to slip straight back off its herring sandwich scoop and fall on to the floor in front of the robot. Whereupon the robot thought to itself, Ah! A herring sandwich...etc., and repeated the same action over and over again. The only thing that prevented the herring sandwich from getting bored with the whole damn business and crawling off in search of other ways of passing the time was that the herring sandwich, being just a bit of dead fish between a couple of slices of bread, was marginally less alert to what was going on than was the robot.

^ This is Dylan, and the herring sandwich is the New York Mets.

9. Cursed Will

It’s tough to rank the team with the best player in football (Aaron Rodgers) this low. But Jordy Nelson is getting up there in years, so I’m not sure how good Rodgers receivers will be. 

Super Mash Potato: King K. Rool.  Dylan had a pretty fire one for this, so I’ll let him take it away:

IT’S NICE THAT AFTER YEARS OF FREELOADING IN SMASH GAMES AS A TROPHY AND A STICKER, KING K. ROOL FINALLY DECIDED TO CONTRIBUTE AND BE PART OF THE SMASH ROSTER. THIS DOESN’T HELP ALL OF THE PEOPLE WHO SPENT YEARS WITH THE EARLIER SMASH GAMES, BUT I’M SO FUCKING HAPPY THAT NOW THAT HE’S OLD AND IRRELEVANT, HE FINALLY DECIDED TO BE USEFUL.

For those who don’t know, Evan now pays rent. For those who also don’t know, Evan and King K. Rool are both thousands of years old, have leathery skin, and eat Taco Bell every other day. Also, check out this screenshot of K Rool from when Banjo was announced, it’s literally the most Evan photo on the internet.

8. Float Like a… Whine Like AB

I’m not sure why they have Alex Smith’s backup at QB. Davante Adams and Michael Thomas are great, but Mark Ingram seems to be their only competent RB. Maybe they’ll get Alex Smith and find a way to contend. Otherwise, I’m not really sure what this team is doing. 

Smush - Donkey Kong. For those of you who don't know, Donkey Kong got his name because Nintendo wanted to convey that the ape was stubborn, so they picked the most stubborn animal they could think of. Or at least that’s how the story goes. That alone would be fitting enough for Jason, but really he gets DK because of DK’s affinity to charge up a punch and wiff on it, only to CHARGE UP AGAIN LATER.

7. tbt to K88 being platonic

I’m glad to see Larry Fitzgerald is still around, and they have Andrew Luck’s long-time favorite target Eugene Hilton. Ben Roethlisberger could have a huge year with the talent on that Pittsburgh offense, and Alvin Kamara is great. Still, I’d expect Devonta Freeman to split carries again, and the Bills’ defense can’t be very good. 

Super Dunk - Young Link.  Young Link has been out of the Smash Brothers games for over a decade which is almost as long as Harnsowl has been out of America.  Also, YL can drink a seemingly endless amount of Lon Lon Milk, just like Harnsowl with alcohol. 

6. Spicy Meatballs

From what I’ve been told, James White should be the best RB in football by now. I’ll take Phil’s word for this. And Drew Brees is awesome. But I’m not sure about the rest of the team. JuJu Smith-Schuster will have trouble getting touches over the Killer B’s, and all I know about Anthony Miller is that he was a mediocre NBA player in the 90’s who had a brief cameo in Space Jam. Tough to see this team doing well if they can’t improve on that depth. 

Super Meesh Pepe - Samus. Another soulless human robot thingamabob whose only purpose is to watch the New York Mets. Dark Samus for when the Mets lose. So I guess always Dark Samus?

5. No Content

I don’t know if Kyler Murray is actually good, but I’m expecting a big year out of Eric Decker. And the Colts QB has always loved throwing to TE’s, so Eric Ebron should have a huge year. A definite sleeper who might take the league by storm.

Supper Dinner Brother - Lil Mac.  Dylan beat me to it again:

I respect the effort that they put into making Little Mac a better character. They improved his aerial gameplay and his recovery, and made a bunch of other improvements. It must have taken them, like, 12 weeks of work! But, despite all that effort, he’s still in a low tier and can’t compete with the stronger characters.

Honestly, the biggest difference here is that Lil Mac definitely never skips leg day (see photo)

But apparently Kyle has been for the past 84 days.

4. Shit Outta Luck

For some reason, their team page says that they dropped Andrew Luck, but I’m going to assume that there’s some kind of issue in the database that will be resolved shortly. I’m assuming some team that already had a franchise QB took Saquon Barkley at a completely reasonable pick in the draft, and he’s doing great there. And Mike Evans is a star. Once Andrew Luck is re-added to the roster, this team can be a real contender.

Smash Bros Character - N/A. Dylan, Who’s fuckin team is this?

3. I’m Still Here Bitches

A shockingly strong showing for Team Arielle. David Johnson, from what I recall, is the best RB in football. Julio Jones is awesome. Dak Prescott is pretty good, although honestly, I still think Tony Romo is better. Damien Williams might not get a ton of carries in KC, but I still think this team could go a long way.

Daisy. Daisy doesn’t belong in Smash (yeah, I said it Andy), and Arielle doesn’t belong in the league

2. Team Mar

The squad from the 845 is looking very strong. Two superstar WR’s in Alshon Jeffrey and Keenan Allen, a perennial MVP candidate in Matt Ryan, and two top 5 caliber RB’s in Leonard Fournette and Christian McCaffrey? I have no idea how this roster is even possible.

Mashed Potato: Joker.  I honestly know nothing about you, just like I know nothing about this anime (?) character who is in Super Smash Brothers. His name is Joker but he’s clearly not from Gotham and your instagram handle is Marisa845 and you’re clearly not from the 845 otherwise Bowers would’ve remembered seeing you at South. He knows everyone who went to South.

1. Venice Beach Hulkamaniacks 

Now here’s a team of people I recognize. A.J. Green? Trey Burton? Melvin Gordon? Shady McCoy? DION LEWIS? I honestly don’t see how things could possibly go wrong with that kind of talent. This team shouldn’t lose a single game. And there you have it. Hopefully by next week, I will have learned a little bit about the modern NFL and can take a better stab at these, but hopefully this helps get you excited for another great season of the NATIONAL! FOOTBALL! LEAGUE! Back to you Boom.

Smash Boo: King Dedede. The people’s champ. The Penguin with the Hammer.  Just like Kirby, King Dedede can suck in opponents.  Just like Bowers, if those opponents taste like carbs, he will not swallow them. King Dedede has an unrelenting hammer akin to Bowers’ unrelenting trade offers for LeShady McCoy, and had this other game where he got swol af just like Bowers is gonna be at the end of his journey. At least his 12 week journey has seen results. 

Also, I’m genuinely unsure if Bowers wrote this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jibCSdZ8xG0 

73. Andy Brown

A late addition that we had to shoehorn in here even though they don’t belong in the Power Rankings.

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Thankful Rankings.

Well, well, well, looky here. Most of my writing “talent” has been devoted to sending entertaining work emails, which has scratched my writing itch lately.  But Thomas just did power rankings in our other league, and it reminded me just how badly I’ve neglected you all this year in terms of content.  But as I sit here in my apartment on Thanksgiving Eve (Thanksgeve?), I wanted to take a moment to remind you all just how thankful I am for all of you.

So, without further ado, here we go:

15. None of you

14. Seriously, you can stop reading this list now

13. You’ve been got, I hate you all equally

12. Clearly you also hate me too, because you joined this godforsaken league this year

11. I don’t know why any of you thought this would be enjoyable

10. In what world is a league with Dylan and Phil, an ex couple, Sean and Harnsowl, Daniel Walsh, and EVAN FUCKIN LEWIS something to be thankful for

9. At first I was maybe thankful for Arielle for joining the league in our time of need, but I don’t think I am thankful anymore

8. end

7. my

6. suffering

5. Bowers offering literally everyone and everything for Tevin Coleman and Shady McCoy

4. Nico, Andy, Kyle, Jason.

3. Kyle and Jason are ketchup freaks, so they’re basically dead to me now.  Enjoy ketchup on your thanksgiving turkey and canned cranberries you freaks.

2. Brenner saying Drew Brees might get hurt.

1. The thing I am thankful for most this year is not a person, no.  It’s something much more tangible than that.  For years I have been mystified by Black Friday, I myself never understood it.  The only explanation I could muster up was that after spending hours with awful relatives on Thanksgiving, people needed to Purge.  But this year, something changed.  On November 16th I felt a flutter in my heart, as Nintendo was releasing their Black Friday deals.  I looked online to see a Nintendo Switch bundle with Mario Kart 8 Deluxe for just $299.99.  Sure, I already own a Nintendo Switch and Mario Kart 8 Deluxe and wouldn’t be buying the deal, but it made my heart skip a beat knowing that so many more people will buy a Nintendo Switch.  Folks, the Switch itself normally retails at $299.99, so you’re getting Mario Kart 8 Deluxe essentially for free.  Is it the best deal in the world? Nah.  Is it a good enough deal for me to spend a week memeing about it? Probably not, but that’s showbiz baby.

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Ok, if you’ve made it past that part, great.  Dylan definitely isn’t here anymore, so I can get sentimental now. I wanted to let you know that I actually really do appreciate y’all.  You’re some of the truest homies and for some reason had enough trust in me that you were willing to cough up $110 bucks for one of the dumbest fantasy football leagues of all time.  You’re an idiot for doing so, but I love and appreciate you. I hope you all have a super duper Thanksgiving with your respective fams.

But mostly, I’m thankful for that photo.  What the actual hell is going on there?

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Week 4 Pick’em

Look, I know I’m late on the picks this week.  I wanted to get them in yesterday, but other things came up and I didn’t get to it.  I’m sorry, ok?  To make up for it, I have written quite the long pick’em for this week.  I’m not entirely sure if I will be able to make them this long every week, but I think I should be able to. 

Why would I spend all this time writing the pick’em? Great question.  Isn’t there a more productive use of your time? Probably.  Will, you’re moving next week, shouldn’t you be packing or something?  Are you just spending way more time writing picks as a means to delay the inevitable anxiety you’re going to feel about starting a new job and moving?  Do you think this is the healthiest way to deal with that? Psh, you’re not my therapist. 

Anyway, here goes

Yerboi vs Brenner? I hardly know’er

This Will vs. Brenner bout, should be promotionally billed as “Chronically Injured and Underperforming” vs “Complete Lineup Ineptitude”. Both teams come into Week 3 at a resounding 0-2, and are looking to get their season on track after some of high profile trades in the first couple weeks of the season.

There are always big expectations when you make a trade in Fantasy Football.  Typically speaking, you hope and expect that the players you got are going to outperform whomever you traded away (or at the very least perform somewhat similarly). Unfortunately, that won’t always be the case.  Sometimes there are weeks like last week, where JuJu outscored T.Y. Hilton and I am forced to sit there and reflect on how I would have won if I just kept JuJu.  Other times, there are weeks like this week, where Brenner ensures he doesn’t have to deal with the emotional trauma of a trade gone awry because he benches the players he traded for. (No there aren’t, this literally never happens)

I pick myself, simply because I don’t think I’ve actually ever seen a team projected to score as few points as Brenner.

Story To Watch: How quickly it will take Drew Brees to score more than the 3 points Brenner got from Tyrod Taylor.  My guess is 4 plays.

Tangiphil vs Hewie and the Hashslingers

After a fairly explosive first week of the season, we can all finally exhale — Phil’s team is bad again. Shockingly, his 3-headed Running Back Monster is down a head.  Unlike the legend of the Hydra, instead of another head growing in it’s place, Phil decided to chase last week’s bench points and play Nelson Agholor.  If you check his bench this week you may notice Joe Mixon outside of the IR slot, Isaiah Crowell’s wasted 18 point TNF total, and another Jets receiver.  That’s right folks, it’s week 3 and Phil is already in midseason form.

But enough about Phil. Steve is 2-0 and I expect his win streak to continue this week.  In my humble opinion, his team is underprojected with only 98 points, as Big Ben, Melvin Gordon, and Marvin Jones all look poised to be playing catchup in potentially high scoring games.  Look for Steve to hopefully rise in the power rankings after squashing Phil.

Story To Watch: He may be the second head of a three two-headed running back monstrosity, but Adrian Peterson is going to look more like Mike Wazowski than James P. Sullivan this week.  The Packers offense comes to FedEx Field with an offense that looks like two-day expedited shipping, while the Redskins offense has been looking like the Pony Express. Game script gets away from the ‘Skins and they abandon the run.

Kyle vs Sean

Close to half of this league isn’t from Rockland, so I’m going to use this opportunity to tell a story.  To the hometown heroes - some of the overarching details may be incorrect, but I don’t care I have the talking stick. If you want accuracy you can write the damn blog post next week.  Anyway, in sixth grade every middle school student has to take World History.  The curriculum is geared towards ancient civilizations, and a decent chunk of time is spent on Egypt.  As such, every year there was (is?, not sure if they still do it) a grade-wide Egypt project where students had to use their knowledge of Egypt, make something, and showcase it to the class.  Think of it like a science fair, but with crappy Egyptian dioramas instead of baking soda volcanoes.  Since I was a bright eyed ambitious young man who loved art and mythology, I knew I would do great on this project.  I chose the ambitious task of making a sculpture of Horus, the Falcon-headed man prince of the Egyptian pantheon. It wasn’t long before I realized my doodling skills didn’t translate well into making 3D models, but I was in far too deep.  I molded the clay as best I could, and then “accidentally” left it in the oven too long so it burned to a crisp and was nearly unidentifiable.  Needless to say, I didn’t do very well on that project.

Why am I telling you this? Because look at Sean’s team.  Does it look real good on paper? Sure. Does that mean he is likely going to win this week? Probably.  But has his overconfidence blinded him into creating a team made of glass with absolutely no depth in a 16-team league? 67%, yes.  (Because that is the grade I got on the project.)

Story to Watch: Alex Collins has become the running back equivalent of Hillary Swank.  Hot or not? Stay tuned this week and find out…

You Guys Again vs. Johnson Ertz

The moment you’ve all been waiting for is here folks.  I…..I can’t believe it’s finally happening.  After almost two full years, the day has finally come.  Dylan Feldman vs. Dylan Costa are facing off in a fantasy football matchup which I am officially dubbing “The Battle for the Right to be Called Dylan in the Fantasy Football League Group Chat” (and since we love our acronyms here, aka TB4TR2BCDITFFLGC).  Two Dylans enter, only one Dylan leaves. This matchup is arguably one of the most important matchups we have ever seen in this league, and has a chance to change the history books forever.

Unfortunately for Dylan Costa, his squad isn’t exactly striking fear into anyone these days.  I’ll have to go with Dylan Feldman, but his lineup has more red letters than Hester Prynne after an all weekend slumber party at Arthur Dimmesdale’s Dimmesdale Dimmahome.

Story to Watch: With the return of Aaron “I smoke Marijuana so Bowers thinks I’m a bad person” Jones coming back to Green Bay, Jamaal Williams’ usage should be monitored. As the kids say, he hasn’t been very good over the past two weeks, and Aaron Jones is ready to come in blazing *~!420!~*

Bearkley vs. Watch Me

Imagine my shock when I saw I won the bidding war for Ryan Fitzpatrick.  I immediately rushed to find the owners of the Tampa Bay WRs so I could celebrate our good fortune as Fitzmagic showers us all with fantasy points.  Now imagine my shock when I saw Samantha has benched Chris Godwin, not only a rookie (we all know my irrational hype with rookies), but a rookie whose name is lit a combination of God and Win.  I don’t know about you, but doesn’t it feel like Samantha has renounced God and doesn’t want to win this week’s matchup?

On the flipside, Nico runs our Dungeons and Dragons group, and if the 80s taught me anything it’s don’t feed weird aliens after midnight, and that D&D is for devil worshipping heathens.  With any hope of good Christian fun squandered for this matchup, it really is anybody’s game.  I want to believe in the underdog, but more favorable matchups lead me to believe that Nico will pull out the W.

Story to Watch: Saquon Barkley caught 2 of 6 targets week 1 against the Jags.  That number increased to 14 of 16 targets last week as Eli Manning completely lost interest in holding on to the football for more than 1 second.  Is it possible that Saquon receives 28 targets this game as Eli Manning has to look JJ Watt and Jadaveon Clowney in the eyes?

Washington vs. Walshington

I want to take a second here and pour one out for Walsh, who didn’t answer my trade offer or my text message regarding Dalvin Cook and Allen Robinson.  Walsh, you took an injury bullet for me and I will forever be grateful.  It’s appropriate that I mention taking a bullet, because rumors have it Frank Gore was actually there when the first metal bullet was shot in 1425.  Between Gore and Kerryon Johnson, Walsh will be lucky if he gets 14.25 points from his running backs this week.

Andy surprisingly continues to ride or die with Andrew Luck, despite Luck being unable to throw the football more than 15 yards. At this point I assume he is just taunting Arielle with Bortles on his bench, and we have to assume that if Bortles continues putting up 30 point games, eventually Andy might start him.  The biggest story on this squad is how Andy managed to get two of the best big play boom or bust WRs with John Brown and Will Fuller, while also having Amari Cooper and Mike Evans.  That’s a solid receiving core you got there pal, and I just want you to know I see it and appreciate it.

Story To Watch: C’mon, it’s Philip Lindsay.  Every week it’s Philip Lindsay. Everyone loves a hometown hero and I have greatly enjoyed watching this kid ball out.

Bowers v Arielle

I’m high on Dylan Leone Arielle’s team this year.  How could you not be? It was drafted by a man who has $45,000 in fantasy football great young woman who has shown her commitment to the league.  For whatever reason, ESPN’s site stopped working just as I was going to look at this matchup, so unfortunately I am going to have to give an abridged write up of my pick.  I have played these teams back to back so you would assume I know who is on their rosters, but I can’t remember anything other than Russell Wilson and James Conner on Arielle’s team, and Golden Tate and Kirk Cousins on Bowers’.

Based on this limited memory alone, I suppose I am going to pick Bowers in what will likely be another close matchup for the Reikland Reavers

Story to Watch: The story of life as I take this momentary absence from ESPN’s Fantasy Football to reflect on the finer things in the world.  Like Yahoo Fantasy Football.

Jason v Harnsowl

ESPN is still not working for me, neither on my phone nor my computer, so I can’t really give much analysis here.  However, not much analysis is needed.  Unlike his godless sister, Jason is a man of faith. And if George Michaels taught us anything, it’s that you gotta have faith.  You gotta have faith, faith, faith.  Carson Wentz returns this week and I don’t care whoever Harnsowl is playing, it doesn’t really matter.  I mean, as far as the matchup is concerned it might matter, but emotionally speaking, Jason has already won this week. 

I can’t be expected to pick a winner in a matchup that already has a winner, so instead I’ll take this time to remind you to spay or neuter your pets.  Bob Barker used to do a fantastic job of reminding the American people to do so, and if I am being completely honest I just don’t think Drew Carey delivers the message with the same panache. Like sure, I know Drew still says it at the end of the show, but does he really even believe it? Only Drew can really answer that question, but if I had to guess I would bet $100 $101 Drew.  While we’re on the topic, if any of you ever manage to go on Price is Right and you do that thing where you bid one dollar higher than someone else did, you can consider our friendship over.  Not only is it the worst strategy ever, it’s also rude as hell to the other contestant.  In some cases I’m sure the people legitimately don’t know what to bet after someone else bet around the same thing they did, but for the love of God at least bet like $10 higher so there is some tension in the room.  

But yeah, back to football, I pick Jason

Story to Watch: The next episode of Price is Right, Monday September 24th

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Week 3 Around the League

I was going to write a legitimate blog post where I praised Jason’s triumphant comeback, empathized with Costa about his elimination from the survivor pool, and then write a nice thing about how this week’s challenge is highest scoring single starter, but Sean melted my brain with his idiocy today.

So here, have this instead:

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Power Rankings Wk 3

Hey there everybody, it’s your ol’ pal Will here with another edition of the power rankings.  Dylan has shown me a great nifty tool to help with the rankings, so while he isn’t actually doing them, his spirit is still here with all of us, just like Jesus.  I’ll be honest, Power Rankings were a little weak last week, I want the best for you all, so I’m stepping up my game.

Anyway, for those of you who are smart enough to avoid the Facebook Chat, Sean and Bowers got into a surprisingly erotic argument about hugs the other day.  There was talk of football drills, there was talk about Bowers’ weight, there was talk about Sean’s elusiveness, but to sum it up: Bowers wants to hug Sean, Sean does not want to be hugged by Bowers. The jury is still out on whether or not Sean wants to hug Bowers, but we know he certainly does not want to receive a hug.

It only seemed fitting that we honored their impending hug with by power ranking 16 bro-hugs.

16. Noob-Noob’s Angels

Kanye and John Mayer

Brenner once again finds himself at the bottom of the Power Rankings, and I think we all saw it coming. Just like John Mayer above, it’s looking like Brenner had no idea what he was getting into when he traded away Antonio Brown for Lev Bell.  

In case it isn’t clear, let’s walk through just how awkward this hug is.  Mayer goes in for the bro shake, he misses Kanye’s hand.  He then goes in with his LEFT HAND and also misses Kanye’s hand.  From there he uses both hands to grasp Kanye’s shoulder, and then pull him in for what I can only imagine is the most awkward hug of Kanye’s life. Kanye’s left arm is pinned between his and John’s body. He IMMEDIATELY gives the “get me the hell out of here” tap on the back and tries to disengage.  Mayer lingers. It’s painful. 

Watch that gif, read what I said, then watch it again.  Notice how bad it makes you feel.  Are you cringing yet? Now look at this.......

....and try to tell me it doesn’t make you feel equally bad inside.

15. My Johnson Ertz

I’m going to tell you a story of two teams. This would have been Costa’s team in 2017:

This is Costa’s team this year:

Key and Letterman

This just feels right for Costa. You can see Letterman is trying here, he just can’t get it right. Deshaun Watson, David Johnson, Zach Ertz, Crabtree? The pieces are there, they just aren’t panning out.  Poor David Letterman is doing the best he can, his best just isn’t good enough.  The Texans offensive line looks like it was coached by Scarpelli in 2008, Sam Bradford is miraculously still alive but the Cardinals offense is anemic, The Eagles are a husk of their former selves without Carson Wentz, and Crabtree has lost his spark now that he doesn’t have the constant fear of Aqib Talib snatching his chain twice a year.

I want to believe that Costa’s team will get better, but I just don’t know man.

(The second gif may not load right, sorry, doing the best I can here)

14. Reikland Reavers

Boy Meets Hug

The Power Rankings really laid into Bowers this week, which is surprising since he beat me and is 2-0 on the year.  If you ask me, I assume his rank is so low because Shady is hurt (and the Bills are garbage) and he’s missing Greg the Leg. Watch out for the incoming $50 bid on Sam Ficken, he was talking about it tonight on Discord.

I’ll be honest this hug is WAY to low for this spot in the Power Rankings.  This is an incredibly tender moment in the show, and should be in the top 5 of the rankings, but I had to give it to Bowers. When Bowers and Sean eventually do hug, I imagine this is EXACTLY how it’s gonna go down.  

(In case nobody notices: Wow Will, nice job man, the gif even says Shawn. Haha so perfect.)

13. Let’s Get Tangible

Bieber’s Love Yourself

Phil, you’ve fallen quite a bit in the Power Rankings my dude.  Since you’re still not in the chat from your temper tantrum, I’m just going to keep this one short and sweet.

Hug yourself bud and hold on tight, because I don’t think anybody else in this league wants to give you one

12. Get Outta My Property

Jason’s Team moves up a couple spots in the power rankings, and we all knew it was coming.  Todd and Stefon did more than their fair share to vault this team to victory, but there are still some big question marks for this week. Chris Carson is still Chris Carson, and Doug Baldwin is still Doug Baldwin.  Antonio Callaway might be flex-able until Douggie B comes back, but until that day I think the Power Rankings are gonna keep Jason a little low.  

Decided to go with this gif for Jason’s hug, because if he hugged Todd or Stefon this is probably how they would react.  Sure, it’s a hug, and deep down it feels nice, but Jasons’ arms are not where they belong.  Michael wants to be wrapped in the arms of Marta Estrella, and Todd and Stefon want to be in mine.

11. Pay Me My Money and I Need It Now

JD and Turkleton

Harnsowl managed to squeeze out a victory, but it was less about his team doing well and Dylan’s team doing poorly.  Luckily Harnsowl managed to catch Dylan with his pants down so he could flex on him and get outta there before it got too weird.  

A JD and Turk hug in the bottom half of the rankings feels like a sin but this is one of my least favorite JD Turk hugs.  Look at some of these:

Harnsowl’s team is definitely more along the lines of the semi awkward first hug.

10. Hash Gordon - 1 Gordon

^ Steve when he logged in and saw THIRTY NINE points from Big Ben

Again, feels a little low considering his team is 2-0, but I’m in no position to question the rankings.  Steve, since it’s your first year I should explain to you.  The league and the power rankings used to be a two man job.  Dylan and I worked in perfect harmony, but now he is gone. It’s hard to put it into words exactly how things worked, so I will use an example:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0wXiCDS05DM

Dylan was the music man who dropped a funky phresh fat beat and I was the Iittle monkey who danced for fruits and vegetables.  I was always just the cute face and sensible chuckle after a legitimate and thoughtful analysis.  The computer rankings might not be right, but I’m doing my best here.  Just try to enjoy the show.

Also, if you want Josh Gordon back so your team name makes sense again, I’ll trade u him for Melvin Gordon

9. Injury Island

Travolta and the Less Handsome Guy

Alternative title for this hug was the “Grease came out when masculinity still meant that dudes couldn’t show any emotion, so a legitimate embrace between two friends was considered gay, and the last thing people wanted to be during this time of toxic masculinity was gay, so these two friends had to stop hugging despite having a genuinely nice moment because they didn’t want to risk being ‘uncool’ by society’s ridiculous standards”

We almost managed a win.  But that’s alright, Injury Island will continue to wait it out until Mark Ingram and Leonard Fournette come back.  Just like how society has embraced bro-hugs, the league will embrace my reign of terror.

8. Bad News Bears

Simba and Rafiki

Look, I don’t care if you try and tell me this doesn’t count because they aren’t humans - it’s still two bros sharing a hug.  Just like Rafiki was happy to see Simba get his shit together and stop being a freeloader with his homies in the jungle, Samantha’s team rebounded in a YUGE way and she’s gotta be happy about the performance. We find her team in the top half of the rankings, and there is no better hug to start off the “good hugs” tier than this one. 

7. Washington Fun Takers

Gandalf and Hugbit

Honestly not my favorite hug, but I know Andy loves Lord of the Rings so I saved this one for him.  His team did pretty dang well and looks like they will perform consistently as we head into the third week. It’s getting late and I’m starting to get tired, so I’ll just say Nice job Andy. No critique here.

6. Nice to See You Guys Again

Dylan, I spent more time making this gif than I did thinking of what to write for you.  Truth be told, anything I write will pale in comparison to the gif.

5. Watch Me Not TV

Breaking Love

Nico’s team popped OFF again, so it only seemed fitting to give them such a tender embrace. Tyreek and Kamara are looking poised to carry Nico into playoff contention, and his team is as beautiful as Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul’s hug at whatever awards show this is from.  Not having a second running back is probably the only thing keeping outside the top 3, which I’m sure Nico already knows and is thinking to himself “yes, I know that Will, that is why I am attempting to get you to trade me Fournette, wrap up these rankings and let’s strike a deal”.  But anywho, back to the hugs. 

Look at these two gorgeous souls, chest to chest and beating each other’s back like a bongo drum.  That’s not the “get me outta here” tap mentioned in the Mayer hug, that’s a bonafide “get in here you beautiful bastard” tap.  

4. Eric Decker Memories

Jerzy Boyz

Kyle come home from Bali I miss u 

3. Walsh

I don’t even know if Walsh reads these, and I was one gif short so I had to embed one from Tumblr.  But I’ll be damned if that’s not one of the most bro-tacular hugs I’ve ever seen.

2. Brady and the Hugs

I know this was supposed to be bro-hugs, but everyone watches The Good Place and Tahani and Eleanor are the ultimate bros, so fudge it.  This gif was a user submission sent in by Dylan, and I instantly locked it in for Sean wherever the ranking put him. 

When Sean and Bowers eventually hug, we ALL know this will be Sean’s reaction.  

1. Arielle

THE BOAT.

C’MON Y’ALL? DID YOU HAVE ANY DOUBTS ABOUT WHAT THE NUMBER ONE HUG WOULD BE? OF COURSE IT’S DRAKE AND JOSH.

The gif isn’t the same without hearing Josh say it, so......

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLVqyugtz3M

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AROUND THE LEAGUE - WK 2

Last Week Recap - Week 1 High Point

First off, congrats to Nico for winning the Week 1 High Point Challenge with a whopping 156 points.  

For anyone who wins one of these, you can let me know how you want the payout.  I can send it to you right away, or can hold on to it until the end.  No judgement if you need the $20 to get your weekly fix of Pokemon cards or whatever you need.

This Week’s Challenge - Kim K’s Komeback Khallenge

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-7bVZYy_ds (probably don’t click at work)

Anyway, here’s how it works.  The team with the greatest improvement in score from Week 1 will win.  For example, Costa puts up 93.8 points this week, his improvement would be +21.2 points (93.8 - 72.6 = 21.2 are you catching my drift?).  So teams who had a crap week 1, here’s your chance to shine.  However, it’s no guarantee.  If Nico drops a fat 200 points this week, his would be +44 points and he would win again.  But let’s not try to let that happen. It’s pretty simple, but happy 2 answer any q’s

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Weekly Pick’em, Week 1 2018

HELLO FOLKS AND WELCOME BACK TO THE WEEKLY CONTENT TRAIN.  After two early morning shifts the content train was a little slow to leave the station, but a late train is better than no train.  

Anyway, let’s pickup where we left off last season, with one of our most beloved pieces: Dylan’s Weekly Pick’em featuring Special Guest NFL Sunday Night Football Presents Thursday Night Football Weekly Pick’em Featuring Samantha “Mas” Wettje.  This will run the same as it always has, but unlike last year, I didn’t actually ask them for picks.  I’m just gonna use out of context quotes.

Raining Champ vs I’m Back Bitches

A year ago, this would’ve been billed the hottest matchup of the century. Starting the season in a Will vs. Arielle brawl would’ve been content in it’s purest form.  However, Arielle is the savior of the league this year, so the mutual resentment has turned more into a PotatoStew Berry’s Love/Hate column.  Now Dylan, I have but 3 simple questions for you. 

1. Did you ever foresee those wild turn of events with Arielle and Leone?  

2. Who do you think is going to win this matchup?

3. Followup question to Q1, how did you know that was going to happen!?

Little typo there, I think you meant to say expect Dylan. But consider the pick locked and loaded.  Hard to imagine Arielle’s team could ever look as good as it does this year, but she freelanced out the draft and we have to respect the hustle. That stat should be updated to 1 for 8, but we can fix it in post.

Brady and the Bells vs. Let’s Get Tangible

I’ve begun writing this column at 8:30 in the morning, and seem to have forgotten to get breakfast today.  As I ponder this matchup, I have nothing but food on the brain. Naturally, Phil has Jared COOK on his team, which isn’t helping.  But you know what, let’s run with the theme.  Dylan, if you were at a restaurant, and saw these two teams on the menu, what would you pick?

Well, you heard it here first folks, dis man is picking Tangible for dis order of picks. He seems a little shaky on the pick, but there are 8 matchups this year as opposed to the 6 that he is used to picking for, so there’s bound to be some nerves. If I had to guess, the pick was likely made because Sean doesn’t have a starting running back, while Phil has the leagues only 3-headed monster RB committee.

Eric Decker Memorial vs. Pay Me Bitch

Okay Dylan, that last pick was made without any conviction, so I’m going to set the stakes a little higher for this one.  Hypothetical situation: You’re standing on Firendship Avenue, looking up at the apartment building where both your friends Kyle and Harnsowl live.  You look up, BOOM, there’s an explosion in the building.  Their units are on opposite sides of the building, you can only get to one in time. Now, channel those feelings, and make a pick.

WOW! Truly shocking stuff considering previous statements that Harnsowl is the worst league member, but I guess that’s the way the news goes.  Despite a poor performance from Devonta Freeman on Sunday Night Football Presents Thursday Night 99th Season NFC Championship Rematch Football, Dylan still thinks Harnsowl can come away with the W.

Nice to See U Guys Again vs. Quack Pack

Yes Dylan, you’ve been doing this for years now.  I’m not sure what the confusion is for this pick, you’ve made 3 others already today. If you don’t think you’re going to be able to make this pick, I can call in someone else to make it for us.  Honestly, I’m a little disappointed in you.  Your picks were a reliable source of content for this league, and you did a great job with the first 3, but now all of a sudden once the spotlight is on your matchup you can’t make the call?  Like I said, I’m not mad, just disappointed. 

Anyway, I guess let’s call in Bowers to see who he has for this matchup..

Ok, nevermind.

Hash Gordon vs. My Johnson Ertz

Alright Dylan, I know you don’t really know these guys very well, so I’ll set it up in another hypothetical for you.  Martavis Bryant just got cut from the Oakland Raiders.  He’s feeling down on his luck, he walks out of the Oakland Alameda Coliseum, and waits at a bush station. You, the bus driver, pull up to a disheartened Marty B.  You’re presented with two potential destinations: Steve and Costa.  You don’t know much about either guy, but Bowers has told you that Costa is a dirty evil pot smoking hippy who indulges in the Devil’s Lettuce.  Your pick for the matchup will influence Marty B’s life. You open the door to the bus, look at Martavis, and say.....

Caught up in the excitement I believe you meant to say Hash Gordon, but considering that Hash Gordon has Josh Gordon, I know what you mean.

Team Walsh vs. Noob Noob Angels

Now Dylan, I don’t want to influence the pick here, but there are some reasons swirling that you are locked in on picking Brenner for this matchup.  People in the League group chat have been talking all week, and some members have been quoted saying they know you are going to pick Brenner to win.  I don’t want the integrity of this column to be compromised, so please, give us your side of the story. What do you have to say about all of this?

WOW! A TRUE STUNNER.  IN A SHOCKING TURN OF EVENTS DYLAN BUCKS THE RUMORS AND PICKS WALSH TO WIN THE MATCHUP.

Bad News Bears vs. Reikland Reavers

I imagine this is the hardest matchup for Dylan to choose. Normally Mets fans are few and far between, and thus tend to stick together, but in this league we somehow have THREE.  Dylan, I know this is going to be a hard choice, but you need to separate the Mets Fandom and just make a true pick.  

I mean usually you would give the reasons why you think the teams were going to win and everything, but that’s an adequate answer for this week’s pick’em.

Watch Me Not TV vs Washington Guntakers

I’m going to be honest Dylan, I’ve ran out of a lot of steam with this content.  Let’s just make the pick here and then wrap it up with Sam’s picks for the week.  Who do you got here?

Beautifully said.

_________________________________________

Special Guest NFL Sunday Night Football Presents Thursday Night Football Weekly Pick’em Featuring Samantha “Mas” Wettje except this is being written on a Friday so just this week we will do a special edition for Monday Night Football!

Last year Sam brought us some scorching hot takes all year for Thursday Night Football, and this year is going to be no exception.  Sam, the Raiders are facing off against the Rams this Monday night.  In what should prove to be a hot matchup out in Cali, what are you expecting?

WOW. That’s an interception and negative passing yards.  These takes were always hot last year, and it’s nice to know we’re starting the year even hotter

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Blessyou Barry’s Love, Hate, and Chiro Date

Love to See Everyone Hate You!

I have something important to tell the world. Matthew Berry did not stop writing Love/Hate for personal reasons. He stopped because Blessyou Barry has been stealing his thunder and fucking his wife (along with various wives of chiropractors in the New York/New Jersey area). Blessyou has a full head of hair and a dick full of hot fantasy tips to help win your league. Or lose. Let’s be real here. You won’t listen to my good advice and you will listen to my bad advice. All of this will lead to a sad ending; not to be confused with the happy ending I got this morning. Football kicks off tonight but with no Carson Wentz this barely counts so I am going to pretend like that game isn’t happening.

Quarterbacks I Love in Week 1

Patrick Mahomes, Chiefs: How many times this offseason has Patrick Mahomes probably seen Kareem Hunt naked? Hundreds! Start him this week and just hope Kareem Hunt doesn’t score every fantasy point.

Sam Bradford, Cardinals: Sam Bradford is well on his way to tearing his ACL for every team in the NFL but I’m going to say he doesn’t tear it this week. Get all the Bradford you can before he needs to learn how to walk again.

Quarterbacks I Hate in Week 1

Aaron Rodgers, Packers: Facts are facts. The dude flat out quit on his team last year. Fade him week 1 as I expect his offensive line to “miss” a few blocks as payment for having to deal with Brett Hundley last season.

Tyrod Taylor, Browns: It’s tie rod, not tuh rod. Figure it out.

Running Backs I Love in Week 1

LeVeon Bell, Steelers: There won’t be any fresher legs on that field at kickoff than his. Expect him to come out of the tunnel sometime early second quarter in a Bane mask and light off a few explosive runs.

James Conner, Steelers: LeVeon has become a real cancer to the Steelers locker room and no one in the NFL is better at beating cancer than Conner. This may be a leukemia warm take, but Conner will out touch Bell just like he touched all of our hearts during his recovery.

Wide Receivers I Love in Week 1

Robby Anderson, Jets: Did anyone else in the offseason show off their elusiveness more than Robby Anderson? Sure he eventually got caught but no one outruns the cops. Every cop should be on a 53 man roster.

Rob Gronkowski, Patriots: Technically a tight end according to his arbitration hearings, but is anyone else on that team even qualified to catch a football? He’s a WR until they get talent at the position. Also Gronk would LOVE the “wide receiver” puns. Fucking savage.

Wide Receivers I Hate in Week 1

Martavis Bryant, FA: The highest he’s ever been in receptions was the contact high he caught before his latest suspension. And also every day of his life. Stay off the weeeed-uh.

Dez Bryant, FA: If FA started a team they would have incredible depth at wide receiver. Unfortunately Goodell would rather give a team to LV. Gucci must be pissed.

Tight End I Love in Week 1

Still Sarah Spain. They may have dropped the charges against Matthew but Blessyou has a 12:30 adjustment on that back with her name on it.

Tight End I Hate in Week 1

George Kittle, San Fran: Change your name to Skittle like an adult so Jimmy G can let porn stars taste the rainbow after they find his pot of gold.

As you can all see, you’re in for a bumpy ride this year. Just like Kim. XOXO

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2018 MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY $$$$$$$$$$$$

Happy Fantasy Eve!  As far as I’m concerned there’s no better way to celebrate than by reminding you that despite what Phil says, we’re mostly playing for money.  I know, I know, fantasy isn’t just about the money, it’s also a great way to keep in touch with friends and family all across these wonderful United States, but also let’s be honest with each other - it’s mostly about the money.

The payouts have changed a little bit to reflect the expansion of the league.  I think it works out well, but if enough of you want to change it then I’m all ears and we can figure it out.  Just remember, big pots at the end are nice, but it’s also much better when we have a league where people are interested in playing.  I think the new stuff will help keep everyone invested even if their team isn’t playoff bound. So.....here’s the current breakdown:

Championship Payments

First - $850 Second - $300 Third - $150 Fourth - $55

End of Season Payments

Highest Total Points (at the end of regular season) - $55

Regular Season Survivor - $70.  What does this mean? Well, Jason had expressed interest in running a survivor league this year and we had some money left over in the treasury, so I stole the idea.  It’s a survivor pool but with our fantasy teams, so each week the lowest scoring team is eliminated. Last team standing by the end of the regular season gets $70.  EDIT: we’re gonna carry this into the playoffs, that way, if you still in the bottom tier playoffs you can potentially win something.

Hopefully this makes sense. It does in my brain so @ me if you need a better explanation

Weekly Pot

This is it boys and girls, the pièce de résistance. Originally (with 12 teams and the old playoff format) I had worked out a $10 weekly pot. We used to only have 2 championship brackets, but now that we will have 4, it seemed kind of foolish to pay anyone 5-16. ANYWAY, long story short, there was extra money here too so I bumped it up to $20 a week.

Every week I’ll make some post on here, FB Group, and group chat announcing what the challenge is for the week.  So without further ado, the first challenge is.....

HOT START: Week 1 

Team with the highest point total (not including bench) by the end of Week 1 will win $20. I know this is a lame one to start with, but I need to make sure everyone is on the same page and understands this so that it all works out.  I pinky promise they will immediately get better and more interesting.  We’re just starting out slow ok? I’m not ready to rush into something like this. It’s just, I’ve been hurt before and I’m scared......  

Best of luck to everyone this year, and remember if you win any money at all it is customary and recommended to tip your commissioner 25%

kthanxbyeluvuxoxo

__________________________________________________

PS for all you math whizkids out there who are doubting my math skillz - that’s $1355 for playoffs, $125 for end of season prizes, and then $280 for weekly pots for a grand total of $1760.  

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Showtime

Well folks, it finally happened.  I wasn’t sure this league was going to run this year, and yet here we are with 16 people.  I don’t know why we’re doing this, I don’t know how we’re doing this, and this just might be the stupidest fuckin thing I’ve ever been a part of, but it looks like it is happening.

This league is an absolute abomination and culmination of many years of fantasy football content, and will likely be the last year of the league because someone will probably die from content OD.  I truly hope you enjoy it and remember you wanted this.  Except for Nico.  Nico, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry.

You might need a primer on the who’s who of the league, so I’ll give you a quick rundown:

Will - That’sa me.  Your boi Willy.  I like long walks on the beach, romantic sunsets, and Todd Gurley Andy - Our resident die hard Republican.  If you wanna talk guns, abortin’ babies, or about our glorious leader Donnie T, this is your guy. Bowers - His name is technically Brandon, but nobody has called him that since the middle school cafeteria chocolate milk incident.  Don’t ask him about it, don’t bring up choco milk. Walsh - Has fucked a dolphin once (that we know of).  Not much else is known about this guy. Consistently wins money in the league, said money likely goes to dolphin sex traffickers. Costa - Also known as Dylan 2. If you have a problem, talk to Costa about it.  He’s a diffuser who can talk anyone off the ledge.

Dylan L - Also known as Dylan 3. I don’t know jack shit about this guy. He apparently went to a Mets game once, but like everyone in this league has probably been to a Mets game.    Acknowledging Arielle.

Jason - Our Obesity Awareness counselor and resident “nice guy”.  Jason has been Tindering and Bumbling for years now, but the ladies eventually always seem to swipe in whatever direction you swipe when you aren’t interested.  According to Jason, it’s cause they’re all sluts Brenner - another one of those fellas who goes by his last name only. After a lifetime of children taunting him with John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, Brenner eventually decided to forgo his first name, and live among the wilds of people who only use their last name, like Bono Juan Won - also known as Dylan 1, Juan Won, Chris Harper, and the guy who first suggested a 16 man league.  Dylan’s favorite things include The Mets, The Knicks, and freeloaders who bring bedbugs into his apartment Harnsowl - Sean’s best friend, and most trusted confidant.  Harnsowl won’t be in the chat for reasons best not questioned. It’s like Bowers’ chocolate milk incident, but magnified to the height of NBC’s hit game show returning for a third season: The Wall Kyle - Kyle is a semi-retired toll both operator who was forced to enter an early retirement after he got hit by a car when entering the booth one day.  The settlement has paid him nicely, but he’s still trying to figure out what to do in his spare time lately.  His friend Kevin just adopted a little boy named Julian, who will be staying with Kyle while Kevin is off finishing up some business in Hong Kong.  What kind of wacky hijinks will Kevin and Julian get into? Stay tuned this season to find out! Nico - Nico is a guy who lives life by two simple rules: Me don’t want no drama, and Jack totally could have fit on the fuckin door at the end of Titanic Phil - I honestly, truly, wholeheartedly lack the words to describe Phil. Samantha - Sam’s basically our resident vegan/crossfitter of the group.  She’s a Harvardite which means every time she graces us with her presence in the chat she will probably tell you about how she got accepted to Harvard and how she’s a student at Harvard Sean - If you find yourself in a scuffle with Sean, just remind him about the time he yelled at the computer in Ms. DiSavino’s Creative Writing class in 2010. He will know what it means and will likely settle down. Steve - Steve lives in Boston, and judging by his FB picture runs marathons.  Unfortunately, the one thing he couldn’t run away from fast enough was his friendship with Jason, which has landed him in a league with 15 monsters.

So there you have it.  All 16 people.  Have fun, play nice in the sandbox.

[league-of-light]

Cashew Jerry’s Pre-Draft Advice

April 24, 1987. A row of limousines line my childhood block in College Station, Texas. It’s prom night for A&M Consolidated High School. 

Why am I starting my pre-draft column with my prom night? Well, because the parallels are uncanny. And much like my prom night, your fantasy draft will feel great while you’re in the middle of it, but it will end way too early and you will sit on your couch, alone, regretting every move you made. 

Let’s start with my date, Rebecca Carlson; your prototypical “can’t miss on paper.” She was 5’5”, 115 pounds with a 118 IQ and great lateral quickness. (We had gym together in 10th grade and even back then the wonderful Mr. Roto was scouting.) Unfortunately, I made the same mistake many of you will make on your draft night and reached too early for something I could have gotten much later. I asked Rebecca out in January, afraid that she wouldn’t be available in March. Over the coming months, I watched the LeVeons and Zekes of our school go unasked until the last second, becoming less and less satisfied with my once great date. I had Odell Beckham, but at what cost? Well, you lost Odell to an ankle injury last season after taking your risk, and I lost Rebecca to the QB2 of our football team halfway through prom. 

Fantasy football and dating are one in the same like that; you will end up forever frustrated in hopes of one day scoring. Unfortunately, I didn’t cross the goal line until I was 25, and while I talked a big game, I gave my date that night the same production David Johnson probably gave you; three carries and blue balls. In a flash your season was over and my first relationship was as well. The lesson here is that even sure things aren’t sure. I thought I was the ultimate sleeper with limitless untapped potential, but I was just another Austin Hooper; one big play then never heard from again.

The funny thing about dating is that eventually you will settle into your niche and everything will be okay. For fantasy football owners, that means accepting that you will be happy for two weeks and miserable for the next fifty. In the real world we call that “The Berry Marriage.” Just kidding Beth! (Is she gone? Okay good. I wasn’t kidding.) Before I get myself into more trouble by revealing intimate details, let’s get to my 10 Tips to Win Your Fantasy Draft! 

Don’t take a tight end in the first round.

Unless that tight end is Gronk, Travis Kelce, Zach Ertz, or Jimmy Graham.

Take good players first.

Take as few bad players as possible.

Pick one of my “500 Sleepers that Can Help You Win Your League.” I would tell you my favorite but I love them all equally and when one of them goes off you will celebrate me as your God for predicting something so difficult.

Drafting players who get injured halfway through the season is a surefire way to miss the playoffs.

Kareem Hunt. I don’t think I said his name enough last year so I will say it again. Kareem Hunt. Please return my calls. Kareem please.

Make sure you’re in an auction league. Snake drafts are the worst.

Draft your team in a snake draft. Auctions are way too fluky.

Do the opposite of everything I say, write, think, or tweet the next five months. Welcome back folks and be sure to be on the lookout for my next article with all the post-draft information you will need to get ready for week 1!

[league-of-light]

PLAYOFF PICK���EM

The playoff championships are around the corner and I'm more excited than Phil is to give Katie some lingerie so he can see a girl in undies for the first time in person instead of behind a computer screen (This final pick’em of the season is sponsored by rubhub.tv, your international hub to rub one out). It's your two favorite people here, Mr. Naughty and Mr. Nice (which is which? That's a secret I'll never tell, xoxo Gossip Girl), the Sultans of Shadows, the Lords of Light, your cocomissioners of content, Willyboi and Juan Wandisimo here as we give you the final weekly pickem: Christmas Playoff Edition.  We’ll start with the consolation playoffs and then work our way to prime time, because I enjoy building suspense.

A note from the editor: I'm not entirely sure these consolation matchups are correct, but handling the Consolation playoffs has been an absolute nightmare so we're just gonna leave it and determine playoff loser by whoever has the fewest points out of the four of you. 

Bowers v. Dylan

Seeing Bowers vs Dylan in the fantasy football championship is like seeing Spotify queue up All I Want for Christmas is You. Seeing Bowers vs Dylan in the fantasy football consolation championship is like seeing Spotify queue up All I want for Christmas is You...by Michael Buble. Sure it warms your heart a little, but it's just not the same. Maybe there's some content since Bowers stole Jordan Matthews from Dylan? I don't know people, I'm trying to make this one work but it just makes me sad. And I don't want to be sad this Christmas. If I wanted to be sad for Christmas I'd go on a double date with Phil and Katie to the sex museum and then come home and watch the NFL give Man of the Year to both Marcus Peters and Michael Bennett with Jason while talking to Tom about Net Neutrality with Smiles Feldman as Evan reminds me Arielle is still a member of this league for another 3 days and Everett is not because that's just the kinda thing Evan would do and then have Harnsowl tell me this scene was the best scene in modern television, on par with Shannons feelings on the Minions movie. If I wanted to be sad I'd do those things. But now I've thought about it and so here I am deep in a pit of misery, I need to smile, Dylan please distract me and tell me who wins this matchup.

I know things didn't work out for Bowers this year, but I think he put together a really good team 🙂. He had some tough luck, but we all had fun and enjoyed each other's company, and that's what really matters 🙂. As for this game, I think my team of Jord's probably won't score too much, so I'd go with Bowers, but really, just getting to this point makes us all winners 🙂. Happy Holidays everyone!

Dear God no.

Samantha vs. Andy

These two duked it out all season for that Wildcard spot, only to have Harnsowl swoop in and steal it at the last second. I don't think there's much heart from either team at this point, which is a shame to see especially during this magical time of year. Perhaps tonight they will be visited by the ghosts of fantasy past, present, and future.  For Samantha I imagine that would look like Aaron Jones, Travis Kelce, and Todd Gurley (that's right folks, calling it now, next year she drafts Todd Gurley and breaks my heart) and for Andy we're looking at Julio Jones, TY Hilton, and Andrew Luck (rip).  Can one of these two find the fight in their heart to give this one last matchup everything they’ve got? I want a matchup that’s more electric than Dyker Heights or whatever that thing in Brooklyn is called, but I fear we’re only gonna get Christmas on the Mountain in this matchup.  Can you find it in your heart people? Do it for Tiny Tim.  Speaking of Tim, Dylan, who’s gonna win this?

I expect Mas to continue her impressive run. 2nd in Best Platonic Couple, tied 2nd for Chat MVP (a true miscarriage of justice as Phil won the award despite not being in the chat), roots for the 2nd best baseball team in New York, had the 2nd most successful fantasy football team of the Wettdgje household, was the 2nd banker to join the league, works in the 2nd largest profession block in the league (bankers, behind lawyers), and this week, she'll come in 2nd place in this matchup. Andy comes away with the victory.

Arielle v. Nico

"O man woodnt it b so funni if Will has 2 pay Arielle?" Sure, if you enjoy laughing at the fact that Nico got bumped out of the playoffs by Evan, then I guess continue to yuck it up about him potentially missing out on another $50. It's not like the man's home was ravaged by a hurricane a couple months ago, let's instead think about how funny it would be in 6 months when I Venmo Arielle/speak to her for the last time in my life. You're all monsters. Like the monsters Nico has drummed up for us in our spectacular D&D campaign. Because Nico is the best. I hope Santa brings him, Karla, and Nicole (yeah his dog is named Nicole and his name is Nico shut up don't judge him he adopted the dog and she already had a name. That's now twice you were a jerk to Nico in this write up alone. you owe him an apology) nothing but happiness this holiday. This matchup should be a blow out and your hopes for any lols will deflate quicker than Phils Christmas boner when he realizes despite buying the underwear the instagram thot promoted, Katie's instagram fittness (that’s not a typo, she spells it with 2 t’s) ass goals failed to make her booty look anything like Sarah Termini's or whatever that girl with the big donk is named.  Dylan, who u got?

This one is for the Loser's Bracket Championship. So whoever wins it is the best loser. We live in a world where Blake Bortles, the biggest loser QB in the world, is destroying NFL teams. Arielle had the worst team in the league this year, and her conduct has been so bad that it's led one commissioner to say, "Ariellle is out" and to angrily rebuke anyone who says otherwise (although I've enjoyed her recent resurgence). It's only natural that she'd find a way to be the best loser in the league and pick up the victory.

Evan v Harnsowl

O wow oooo wee this is it folks, the matchup of the week, the creme of the crop, the one and only RUBHUB MASTURBATION BOWL. A matchup that literally means nothing other than bragging rights, these two undeserving, ungrateful playoff teams deserve to play each other back and forth until the end of time. I award neither of you any points, and may god have mercy on your souls for taking a playoff spot from Nico and losing week 1 of the playoffs. Watching this matchup is gonna feel a lot like watching A Christmas Story Live! on Fox. You don't know who the hell gave this greenlight, or why they did it in the first place, but this is a flaming hot dumpster fee. And not the kind of dumpster fire where it's so fun you can't help but watch, nah this is a smoky smelly dumpster fire that the hobos use to keep themselves warm because they slipped up and became an alcoholic and their ultra Christian families abandoned them so now they all have is the clothes on their back and this dumpster fire to keep them warm this Christmas. In other words, it's just kind of sad. But hey remember this is the rubhub masturbation bowl so log on to rubhub and use coupon codes HonkIfUrHarny or SevenMinutesInHEvan for 15% off your first month (code depends on the winner).  Dylan, what do you think?

Hold on, I have no inspiration at all for this one. We might need to send this one to a special guest picker. I've got legit nothing

There you have it folks, you suck.

Phil v. Walsh

I've got to be honest folks this matchup doesn't tickle my pickle in any way/shape/form. Remember when you were a kid in elementary school on December 23rd? Lunchtime comes and you and the squad are talking about how excited you are to get presents, and little Ben Schwartz chimes in about how tonight is the 8th night of Hanukkah which means he's getting something really good cause his parents save the best present for last! There's no malicious intent, no anti-semiticism, but Ben frankly no one gives a damn. When the break ends I'll be more than happy to hear how awesome it was when you spun your magical Hebrew top for golden coins, but when Christmas is around the corner I can't be bothered. Anyway, this matchup feels a lot like that. I guess there's some excitement that Phil might win money for the first time in 5 years, but at the end of the day I don't really care. We now turn to Dylan Feldman live in the NFL Studio, Dylan, who you got?

Well Will, it's gonna be a great one this weekend, right Shannon *laughs for no particular reason*. Congratulations to Primo Content for amking it this far, but it ends today. Walsh has Lamar Miller out of *Warren Sapp off camera "Merry Christmas baby, here's a dildo... what? oh sorry, THE UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU*, and he has a great matchup this week against a Steelers team that will have trouble bouncing back after last week's loss. Phil is also relying on Leonard Fournette, but can he stay healthy? This is a guy who quit on his team before their bowl game last year, so we know he's not clutch. Walsh's team has heart, and that's what you need to win in the loser's bracket in the NATIONAL! FANTASY! FOOTBALL league. Back to you Boom.

Will vs. Jason

I wrote this matchup last, and now I know that I ordered it correctly because that handy dandy image I found this morning says to go I, A, O.  But you didn’t come here for Grammar Memes, you came here because this is the moment you’ve all been waiting for.  Let’s face it folks, no matter what happens here we’re all winners.  If this matchup tells us anything, it’s that irrational love for players is the key ingredient to making the playoffs.  I’ve got nothing else to say, so instead I’ll sing you a song. On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me.....

Twelve Nick Foles ducking

Eleven Jimmies ‘gramming

Ten Butkers a-kicking,

Nine Collins dancing,

Eight JuJus a-biking,

Seven Stefons a-digging,

Six Brandins a-cooking,

Five GOUUUUULDEN ROBBIES,

Four calling McCaffs,

Three Jared Goffs,

Two Robert Woods,

And a Todd Gurley for MVP.

That’s it from me folks. Happy Holidays, remember to have your pets spayed or neutered, Phil please use a condom tonight.  I’ll pass it off to our expert analyst Dylan.  Andylstan, what are we looking at here?

Thanks Boom. This is, of course, one of the toughest picks we've ever had to make, as both of these teams have looked truly dominant at times this year but also have had issues with injuries and seemingly some bad JuJu. To figure out the winner, we've had to develop a new algorithm that we call FORT MINOR, which stands for Final Odds Respective Teams are Memorialized Is Not Overly Rigorous. It is determined by a number of factors, weighted by their importance.

Luck (10%) - Marquise Goodwin was on another team 3 weeks ago, playing uninspired football. Now, he has no dad, no son, and he's putting up fantasy football numbers like he's Julio Jones. Nobody could have guessed Meanwhile, Sean McVay would be this good, and that's been huge for Willl this season. Jason's caught a good break in this category, but Will dominates this one. *Will - 8% Jason - 2%* Skill (20%) - Jason managed to get through the year with largely his original team. One could argue that having a better draft is more skillful. Will, on the other hand, put together a couple of blockbusters to keep his team at the top of the league. He has the slight edge here, thanks to his acquisition of Brandin Cooks (coming off of a very good week) and because of the work he did to win the toughest division in the league. *Will - 11% Jason - 9%* Concentrated Power of Will (15%) - It's in the name. Kudos to Jason, as he did show a ton of grit and determination this year, but there's no way he touches Will in his own category. *Will - 12% Jason - 3%* Pleasure (5%) - I actually think nobody got more joy out of this fantasy football season than Jason. His unbridled enthusiasm for Carson Wentz's breakout year stands apart from the rest of the league. Sure, Will has enjoyed Stefon Diggs, but he has players like that every year. Jason has been able to ride the Wentz Wagon to victory here. *Will - 1% Jason - 4% Pain (50%) - Here's where things get interesting. It comes down to a debate we have constantly in sports. LeBron or Jordan? Clemens or Pedro? Rice or Moss? How do you compare someone with a sustained run of excellence to someone whose peak has never been matched? Will clearly defeated Jason here for the first 13 weeks of the season. You would think that would make him the clear winner. We forget now, but the Dalvin Cook injury was devestating, and Allen "15 TD's" Robinson has unfairly missed out on this great Jaguars season. But they say you could hear Jason heart breaking from halfway around the world when Carson Wentz went down. In the end, that peak is too high to ignore. *Will - 20% Jason - 30%* Reasons to Remember the Name *Will - 52% Jason - 48%* And there you have it folks. FORT MINOR has determined that Will has a 52% chance of winning this week. So, by the slightest of margins, we're predicting that the Blastoise Brigade comes away with the title in a thrilling matchup. Either way, expect a great week of fantasy football. Back to you Boom, and enjoy the holidays everyone!

[league-of-light]

A Letter

Well folks, it’s been a year.  I want to thank you all for being here with me as I experienced the greatest Fantasy Football season of my life.  Sure I lost Allen Robinson, Dalvin Cook, and Benjamin Watson, but none of that matters.  You know why? Because Todd Gurley is 6.2 points away from being the #1 Scoring Fantasy Football Player in our league.  He’s already #1 in PPR formats.  Don’t believe me? Take a look:

That’s a 2 yard rushing TD.  That’s all it’ll take.  Sure Russell Wilson is standing in his way, but who cares.  Even if Todd doesn’t get there, my heart is full of sweet retribution and validation.  Retribution? I know what you’re thinking..“That’s a weird way to spell happiness” but this isn’t about happiness.  This is about settling a score and laughing in the face of all of you.  You see folks, even if the Blastoise Brigade doesn’t beat Rally Duck it doesn’t matter. I’ve already won.

Allow me to take you on a journey.

On August 30th, 2015 I participated in the League of Shadows’ 2nd fantasy football draft.  Little did I know this would be the last draft for the League of Shadows, but that’s a story for another day.  The draft went smoothly, I managed to who I thought were some solid players, and overall was happy with my results. NFL.com laughed at me.  

“They will be looking for some break-out performances from their five ball-carriers.”  Jokes on you, NFL.com, because one of those ball carriers was none other than Todd Gurley, and Todd Gurley broke out. He catapulted my team to second place in the league, and I managed to take home 3rd place in the championships, thanks to a less than brilliant decision to sit Antonio Brown against Jason (But that’s another story for another day, shut up and stop laughing this story is about Todd Gurley, not my incompetence).

I fell in love with the boy who had saved my fantasy season, and knew my life had changed forever.

Fast forward a couple months later and the world was in complete chaos.  The League of Shadows had fractured and disbanded.  Despite the bloodbath we managed to pick up the pieces and find some new members, and were set to draft on August 30th, 2016.  One year after I had first chosen Todd. It felt like destiny, but then tragedy struck.  I was awarded the 1st overall pick in the draft and had to decide between Antonio Brown, the man I had benched in the playoffs and tarnished his reputation, or Todd Gurley.  It is with a heavy heart that I inform you I chose to redeem Antonio Brown.

Almost instantly the decision didn’t sit right with me.  Sean had Todd Gurley, and I wanted him back. I pleaded with him for weeks.  “Want to give me Todd Gurley?” (9/8/2016), “i want to get todd gurley back, then at least when i lose ill be happy” (10/16/2016).  And then it happened.  I realized the only way to get Todd back was to give up the man who cost me him.  The ol’ gift of the Magi.  I reached out one more time….. “Sean give me Gurley plz. Toni 4 Gurlz” (10/19/2016).

Trade Accepted.  Todd Gurley returns home.  But the homecoming isn’t as sweet as I had imagined. I’m faced with RIDICULE from my friends and loved ones.

I don’t think Gurley is all that good - Evan Lewis 10/20/2016

What if Todd Gurley actually isn’t good - Dylan Feldman 12/25/2016 8:52 pm

The ridicule continues for the rest of that fantasy football season.  Todd Gurley finishes abysmally in terms of total points, it looks like all hope is lost.  But then, the clouds part and almighty God himself (or herself if you’re JK Rowling) speaks, and Jeff Fischer is fired.  My heart is torn, he was so close to being the worst coach of all time, and I feel bad he never won the title.  Then I hear that SEAN MCVAY is going to the LA Rams, and we pour 18 tons of gasoline onto the flame that fuels my love for Todd.

The 2017 Fantasy Football season is approaching, and the ridicule hasn’t stopped. The so called “experts” are ranking Todd as the 10th best RB, and my so called “friends” continue to taunt my love for him.

“Are we going to need to have another league chat for trades when Will inevitably trades too much for either sammy watkins or todd gurley?” Brandon Bowers 8/11/2017

Jason Wedge posts a photo of a leaked draft board that has Todd Gurley as the number 12 pick 8/21/2017

August 26th, 2017. With the 11th pick, Farmer Ahab’s Blubber Nuggets choose Todd Gurley.  By week 7 Todd has already passed last season’s point total.  The naysayers are silent.  Todd continues his steady production and leads the now named Blastoise Brigade to the playoffs.  

The semifinals.  Where we once were 2 years ago.  The stakes are higher this year as I am forced to play the league’s tumor - Philip Druss (shoutout to Evan for taking Nico’s spot and then losing to Phil week 1 of the playoffs), if I lose I will probably never allow myself to play fantasy again.  The 1 o’clock games end and we have just over a 20 point lead.  Not great, but a decent enough one.  I’m feeling nervous since Todd is facing the Seahawks and he was held in check to the tune of 4 points when they first met in week 5.  But then the clock strikes 4:00 and Phil’s Cinderella story turns into a nightmare.  4 touchdowns, 152 yards,  43.5 points, Todd Gurley is alive.  McVay had promised the boy more touches, but after hearing Jeff spend all of 2016 saying he needed to get Todd more touches, I was hesitant to believe it. McBae pulled through. 4 touchdowns. 43.5 points.

And so now we are here folks.  We’ve come full circle.  To all of those who doubted Todd, kneel before your king, to all of those who believed in him but were too afraid to admit it, you shoulda spoke up but now still kneel before your king and show him some god damn respect.  Todd, It’s us against the world, but we’re in the finals.  We made it.

[league-of-light]

Mathew Bery’s Love/Hate List Week 15

Love, Hate, and Dat Ass 

 August 19, 1980. Section 113. Row 11. My first Redskins game with my old man; a preseason affair with the New Orleans Saints. He had gotten the tickets from an old work colleague as a favor for years of great deals in the auto industry. He wanted to take my older brother whom he much preferred to me but my mom insisted that he bond with “the weird one.” And folks, if not for that request, you wouldn’t be taking shitty fantasy advice from me today. 

Our seats were right behind the Redskins sideline and I had brought my only friend to the game with me, a pair of vintage 1954 binoculars. American made. I still have them to this day and my youngest son will get them on his wedding day. Okay okay I know, father of the year material. It’s not all fantasy football in the Berry household. 

Fast forward to the fourth quarter and the Saints are blowing out the Skins 56-0 and ten year old Matthew is on the verge of never watching another football game again. My mind had gotten as lazy as my eye and the binoculars were slowly drifting away from the field of play and towards the sidelines. And that’s when it happened; the moment that would change my life, and ultimately yours, forever. A cheerleader had bent over and in the original “Janet Jackson” moment wasn’t wearing any underwear. I needed to get closer. But security was tight for the 80s and I had to resign myself back to the game. 

The whole drive home I formulated a plot to one day get close enough. How could a kid with no athletic ability get into the sports industry? How could he fulfill his fantasy? Folks, it’s called fantasy football for a reason. I am your god and you were all my pawns to get closer to hot athletic women. Thank you. It wouldn’t have been possible without your years of undying commitment to something fake. Faker than Michelle Beadle’s luscious titties.

If you are reading this, ESPN has figured it all out and has already fired me. So, enjoy one last Love/Hate and remember, just because I love someone doesn’t mean they will do well. In fact, do the opposite of everything I say. Except when it comes to Kareem Hunt. I called that and you will never forget that. He is my legacy.

Quarterback I Love in Week 15

Carson Wentz, Eagles: Torn ACL. I know what you’re thinking. But hear me out here because the matchup is just too good to pass up. Over the past seven weeks, Carson Wentz was a top three QB in all but one week and now the Eagles draw a decimated Giants team just waiting for April. Roll the dice on the injury and ride Wentz all the way to your championship game.

Others receiving votes: Don’t look now but Nathan Peterman has played in two of the past four games and the Bills get a hot and cold Dolphins team. You could do worse this week...Nick Foles; See Wentz, Carson above. One of them is bound to go off. 

Quarterback I Hate in Week 15

Aaron Rodgers, Packers: Zero points in his last eight games. It seems as though the time has come to admit that Rodgers just doesn’t have it anymore and Mike McCarthy has lost faith in him, having him attempt zero passes since Week 6. Leave Rodgers on your bench in this tough matchup with a very good Panthers D.

Running Back I Love Every Week

Kareem Hunt, Chiefs: Do you think if I keep putting him here he will answer my calls? No? Okay. Plug and play Hunt with supreme confidence this week just like every week I have told you the same thing. Remember Week 1 in New England. Ya, I called that. Hunt is a top end RB1 from hereon out. 

Running Back I Hate in Week 15 

Charcandrick West, Chiefs: He vultured away a touchdown from Kareem Hunt last week, preventing Hunt from actually having the good game I predicted he would have. West is a desperation play in 20 team leagues and even then I would prefer you bench him in solidarity with me.

Wide Receivers I Love in Week 15 

Martavis Bryant, Steelers: Did you listen to my advice and drop him? Well undrop him and play him. Over the past 47 games, Big Ben has looked his way on 19.7% of dropbacks following a come from behind win in the fourth quarter over a division rival. Bryant is now tied for 115th all time in catches before the age of 26 and I’m looking for him to continue that trend this week against a beatable Patriots secondary.

Mitchell Trubisky, Bears: He has to throw the ball to someone and I just do not trust any of these Bears pass catchers to get the job done. Risky Trubisky as I like to call him completes four passes to himself, including two in the end zone. A sneaky DFS pairing with himself for a major discount.

Wide Receiver I Hate in Week 15

Martavis Bryant, Steelers: This is not the time to be betting on low floor, high ceiling guys and this Patriots defense is suddenly the real deal. Bryant will be an afterthought with JuJu Smith-Schuster returning from a one game suspension and is safe to drop in all formats.

Tight Ends I Love at ESPN

Sarah Spain

Others receiving votes: Cari Champion, Sam Ponder, Michelle Beadle

Tight Ends I Hate at ESPN

N/A (****Note from the editor - If you’re at work, I can’t recommend clicking that link.....You probably shouldn’t have clicked any of them since they’re all pictures of asses, except Sarah’s, I respect women.  But this link is worse.  Don’t click it if you’re at work.  Unless you want your office to wild the fuck out.  Then click it evrtim)

[league-of-light]

Brandon Bowers Presents: Your End of Season Awards Show!

League of Light Awards 2017

[big, flashing lights, awesome cinematic opening, camera pans the crowd to see all the celebrities, then cuts to the stage where the host finally walked on]

Bowers: (waits for the cheering to calm down) Welcome everyone to the 2017 League of Light Awards Ceremony (more cheering). I’m your host, Bowers (someone in the crowd yells “I love you Bowers”). I love you too, whoever you are. (Crowd erupts in laughter). Tonight, we have ten categories to crown victors in so let’s hop to it shall we (Bowers makes a hopping motion on stage which inexplicably goes over great)? Please help me in welcoming our first set of announcers for the night, Will Guy and Ace!

[Crowd cheers as Will carries Ace onto the stage, followed by an audible “aww” because Ace is wearing the cutest little tux]

Will: Uh, hi everyone. Our first category of the night is Rookie of the Year. And the nominees are: Sam (camera cuts to Sam looking just lovely) Nico (camera focuses on Nico who throws up a hand sign that looks gangster as fuck) and Andy (Andy looks directly into the camera and raises his champagne glass). And the winner is (Ace then proceeds to try and eat the envelope to which Will has to stop) . . .  stop that Ace . . . the winner is Sam!

[Sam, looking slightly shocked, comes up on stage and proceeds to accept the award from Will and give a great thank you speech. If you didn’t like Sam before, you do now. Harnsowl and the real-life Jack Daniels then arrive on stage as the next set of announcers. Everyone notices Harnsowl has two drinks, one in each hand. Harnsowl attempts to read the category but is slurring his words too much.]

Jack Daniels: Lemme take over for ya partner [Note: Jack Daniels is a cowboy here. Just go with it] The nominees for the Best Duo in the platonic division are: Will & Sam (shot of the two of them backstage for they were just on stage), Dylan & Evan (shot of Dylan looking grumpy as fuck in his seat while Evan looks disheveled and unkempt), and Phil & the K8(0)’s (shot of Phil with both K8’s but Phil attempts to get in the camera man’s face, so the cut is a quick one). And the winner is . . .  Dylan & Evan!

[Dylan begrudgingly walks to stage and Evan lags behind. Evan takes up most of the victory speech, specifically thanking his mom multiple times. Dylan then steps up to the podium and audibly sighs and then says, “Fuck Bowers.” The crowd boos Dylan but cheers Evan who is still super excited he won something. Arielle and Blake Bortles are the next set of announcers.]

Arielle: Hi everyone! The nominees for Best Duo in the non-platonic division are: Will & Todd Gurley (shot of Will and Todd Gurley sitting together), Jason & Carson Wentz (shot of Jason holding a sign that says “I <3 Carson” (Note: Carson Wentz had to file a restraining order against Jason and did not attend the event)), and Harnsowl & Cam Newton (camera guy could only find Harnsowl, who is now on his fifth drink of the night). And the winner is . . . Will & Todd Gurley!

[Will and Todd make it on stage. Blake attempts to throw Todd the award but got intercepted. Todd proceeds to talk about the Rams a lot. Will just smile and nods. John Cena and the ghost of Paul Walker are the next set of announcers. John Cena’s music plays loudly for longer than you’d expect]

Paul Walker: Hi everyone. I am so glad that I am back and can see you again (John Cena then does his “you can’t see me” hand motion). The nominees for Most Improbable League Moment are: Phil making the playoffs (the camera guy refuses to get close to Phil again), Nico making a trade after the Dez-J-Quizz Fiasco (Nico laughs at the nominee but deep down he hates that he’s on this list) and Walsh making a comment in the league chat (you think Walsh showed up to this? HA!) And the winner is . . . Phil making the playoffs!

[Phil eagerly runs on stage but starts talking gibberish. The only word someone could make out was “content” Security promptly whisks Phil off stage as our next set of announcers come on stage, the Wettjes.]

Jason: Hi everyone. The nominees for Most Valuable Content in the image division are: Dylan for “Bowers did Benghazi” (Dylan looks grumpier than grumpy cat now. I bet it’s cause he’s sick), Bowers for “Danny’s Thoughts on Jury Duty (shot of the host looking marvelous as always) and Will for “The League as the Fast & Furious Crew” (another shot of Will who is posing with both thumbs up). Before I announce the winner, I just wanna say, Carson I love you, you’re my every- [Sam rips the card away from Jason, cutting him off in the process] Sam: The winner is Will! 

[Will comes on stage, again, and this time gives an emotional thank you speech, thanking everyone for enjoying his artwork. The host, Bowers, comes back to the stage.]

Bowers: How is everyone doing still? (crowd “woos” in excitement) Y’all enjoying the show? (more “woos”) (Bowers proceeds to tell a joke and it’s hilarious – trust me) We wanna take a moment and give out our lifetime achievement award. This goes to someone who has been there for the league since the beginning. He makes content weekly and deserves some praise. The Lifetime Achievement Award this year goes to Dylan Feldman everyone!

[Dylan comes back on stage, finally getting the acknowledgement he deserves. When Bowers hands him the award, he goes in for the hug. Dylan did not expect it and is now hugging Bowers. Dylan feels warm and fuzzy inside but will never admit it. Dylan then gives a speech about his content and ends it with a “Fuck Andy” because he remembered that one-time Andy got snippy with him about the weekly rankings]

[the next set of announcers are Godzooky and Godzilla. Unfortunately, neither one speaks English (they’re from Japan) so I’ll just tell you that Evan won the Most Valuable Content in the written division for “Phil’s Uber Erotica.” Bowers and Andy lost out. Evan goes and gives some long-winded speech about something, I don’t know, I stopped listening]

[John Madden and Al Michaels come to the stage next. They proceed to announce the nominees for Most Valuable Content in the football division. They explain to everyone that the nominees are Dylan for his trade deadline extravaganza, Phil for his Yahoo league shitposting, and Will for the Ram it Remix. They announce that Dylan won. Dylan accepts and yadda yadda. Dylan probably gives a speech too, but I wasn’t listening to this either. Dylan and Will announce the next award, so Dylan stays on stage as Will comes back]

Dylan: This next award is important to the league. It shows how awful some of you are. You all make me regret playing fantasy football. I hope each and everyone one of you gets an itch on your back you cannot reach. The nominees for Least Valuable Player are: Harnsowl (Harnsowl is not passed out in his seat from drinking too much), Arielle (Arielle ran off with Bortles, so she had her assistant sit in for her instead), and Phil (no one wants to see Phil again, c’mon). And the winner is . . . wow shocker it’s Arielle and she’s not even here to claim her award. 

[Arielle’s assistant grabs the award, but it takes her forever to do so because she thinks Christmas is in March. Dumb bitch. Any who, Andy and Kyle make their way on stage to announce the next award. Kyle makes a championship belt motion with his hands as to signal that he will be champ next year (because he’s totes in the league next year, right? Right?)  Andy attempts to announce the nominees, but Kyle cuts him off]

Kyle: Shut up Andy, you can’t even TP correctly. The nominees for Most Valuable Player in the chat division are: Sam, Jason, and Phil (Note: the camera guy had to take a piss so no cut aways). And the winner is Phil. 

[Phil comes on stage, cocky as ever, to receive his award, but as Kyle hands it to him HE STONE COLD STUNNERS HIM!!!! BY GAWD WHAT A MASSACRE!! Someone from the crowd then throws Kyle two beers to which he chugs and then crushes the empties on his head. Andy carries Phil off stage.]

[The host, Bowers, comes back on stage to introduce a very special announcer . . . Thorg! The crowd is so pleased to see Thorg because Thorg is the coolest. Oh, and Steve Harvey is there too.]

Thorg: This last award for puny humans. Thorg hungry, Thorg (the crowd then joins along with Thorg and finishes the saying with a loud “Thorg want eat!”) Nominees for Most Valuable Player in the football division are: Will (the camera cuts to Will who’s looking a little tense now as he’s anxious to see if he can win another award), Walsh (yeah, he’s still not here so instead the camera guy focuses in on the cardboard cutout of Walsh we found in the back) and Nico (Nico WANTS this one badly). Winner is . . . (Steve Harvey then cuts in)

Steve Harvey: And the winner is Walsh! (Steve Harvey then realizes he got it wrong) Uhh I have to apologize . . . 

[Thorg then ENRAGES at Steve Harvey’s actions and cuts him down with his mighty great axe. Those in the front rows got blood splattered on them like this was a Gwar concert. The crowd cheers Thorg on as he takes multiple swings at the now lifeless Harvey. Thorg then regains his composure and announces the real winner.]

Thorg: Winner is Dungeon Master himself, Nico!

[Nico walks on stage, walking gingerly to avoid the blood. He gives the best speech of the night thanking his loved ones and condemning his haters. He then promises a championship for his boys back in Houston. Bowers, the host, comes back to the stage and embraces Nico. He raises his hand in victory like a boxer at the end of a match]

Bowers: That’s all we got for you today folks! Thank you for coming to the League of Light Awards 2017. Until next time!

[Fin.]

[league-of-light]

CONTENT Percentages Part Deux

What’s at Stake?

Due to some limitations in the ability of some league members to do math, there has been some confusion as to what is at stake in this last week. With that in mind, we’re going to go team by team and see where everyone stands going into the final week of the season. We’ll look at potential seeding for both the Winner’s and Loser’s brackets, what matchups could come up, and who could see their CONTENT rise or fall.

Da Rules

First, let’s start with a brief reminder on the rules. We have two conferences, each with two divisions. The first conference has the The Slanderers and Content divisions, while the second has Acknowledgement and Harper. The best team in each conference gets a bye. The winner of the other division in the conference also gets a playoff spot, and plays the next best team in the conference. So each division has at least one playoff team, and each conference has three playoff teams.

For the Loser’s Bracket, the best team that misses the playoffs in each conference gets a bye. The remaining two teams in the conference then play each other.

The playoffs last 3 weeks. Week 14 sees the lower ranked division winners play the Wildcard teams. Week 15 has the winner of that game facing the #1 team in each conference. Week 16 has the championship.

Because teams in fantasy football don’t actually impact the other teams in their matchups, you can generally find the strongest teams based on the sheer number of points that they score. Because of this, Points For is the primary tiebreaker. This is much more indicative of who the best teams are than Head to Head record, which could be more random. If you somehow have an exact tie in that, we then look at other tiebreakers, but I’ve never seen that happen with decimal scoring.

One last reminder. CONTENT, or Chances Of Nabbing The Entire Nautical Thing, measures each team’s chances of winning the championship. The total league CONTENT will add up to 100%.

The Teams

Walsh Me Nae Nae (20% CONTENT) – Things are pretty clear cut for Team Dolphin. Walsh has already secured a playoff spot. With a win against Nico, he can secure a bye week. If he loses to Nico, he can still get a bye if Jason loses, or if he outscores Jason by at least 3.5 points.

Hooked on Platonics and The Memes of Production (4% CONTENT and 3% CONTENT, respectively) – Somehow, these 5-7 teams are in control of their own destiny, and they’re kicking us off with a de facto playoff matchup. The winner gets a Wildcard spot in the The Slanderers and Content conference. The fact that one of these teams will make the playoffs is an embarrassment to our fans and our sponsors, and as a commissioner of this league, I sincerely apologize. As for the loser, their fate partly relies on what the Pandas do this week. More on that in the Confused Pandas section.

Juan Seed #SZN (16% CONTENT) – This confusingly named team, owned by Jason and not Juan, has locked up a playoff spot. They are now trying to sneak their way into a bye. They would need to beat Juan (again, confusing). They would then need to have Walsh lose to Nico, and they’d essentially need to not let Walsh outscore them by 3.5 points. All eyes will be on Monday Night Football, where we’ll see Le’Veon Bell and Antonio Brown in the Nico-Walsh matchup, and the Steelers defense (and maybe JuJu Smith-Schuster or Martavis Bryant) in Jason v Juan. This one will be spicy to the very end.

Confused Pandas (No CONTENT) – The Pandas are eliminated from playoff contention. A victory could net them a bye in the Loser’s Bracket.  Depending on who loses the Platonics-Production matchup, they either need to outscore Platonics by 107 points, or not let Production outscore them by 26.3 points. They should very much be hoping for The Memes of Production to overthrow the Platonics.

Team Calm Down Will (No CONTENT) – This team is out of playoff contention. The only thing they can do this week is play spoiler to the Pandas chances at a bye. Kind of like how they spoiled the fun of the rest of the league all year.

Blastoise Brigade (29% CONTENT) – The former Squirtle Squad took most of the pressure off with a win this week, locking up a playoff spot. A win secures a bye, while a loss… probably still secures a bye. They only lose their bye if they lose, Nico wins, and Nico outscores them by at least 17.8 points.

Watch Me Not TV (16% CONTENT) – The other powerhouse team finds themselves in danger of missing the playoffs. However, they’re still in a pretty good spot. If they win, they’re in. If they win, the Brigade loses, and they outscore the Brigade by at least 17.8, they’re still in. And if they lose, they can still make the playoffs if the Brigade wins. It’s a bit of a precarious position, but we still think Geoffrey is unlikely to be found by their competitor.

Chicken Winnigish (4% CONTENT) – I have no understanding of how this team has stuck around. They looked dead early in the year, and that’s without considering the fact that they are in the strongest division. Yet here they are, a miracle away from a playoff birth. They need to beat the Blastoise Brigade, and they need Walsh to beat Nico. With Will offering to give Evan a ride to Hoboken, this seems like an area of potential collusion. If they do lose, they’ll easily have a bye in the Loser’s Bracket.

Primo Content (8% CONTENT) –

Caddyshack Name Incoming (No CONTENT) – Unfortunately, Zeke and Aaron Rodgers couldn’t find a way to make a miracle happen. This team will play the Groovy Greninja in the first round of the Loser’s Bracket.

Groovy Greninja (No CONTENT) – Forget the haters. Forget the playoffs. None of that matters. Josh Gordon is back.