layaltheblogger2019

[layaltheblogger2019]

What is your current obsession?

It’s summer in Boston!! Summer!! Sun!! Beaches!! Happiness!! Exploration!! Random road closures*!! Outdoors!! Fireworks!! NO PSETS!! Events!!

So, this is my first summer NOT with my family in Florida and my first summer in Boston. I will say that although I arrived at MIT last year at the end of August for an FPOP (Freshman Pre-Orientation Program), it is not in any way comparable to spending a full summer here. And even though I spent nine months taking classes over freshman year, the warmth and sun of the summer is nothing like the freezing, sun-less, soul-sucking days of winter. You might be asking, ‘Layal, what are you doing in Boston over the summer? Are you taking classes at MIT or something? Why don’t you have an internship or go abroad, yada yada—’ Well to answer your many questions, I chose to be here! (Also MIT doesn’t offer classes in the summer so that we can all actually get a life ;P )

What exactly do I do? I am here as a Residential Facilitator for the Interphase EDGE Program and a UROP in the Media Lab, Personal Robots group. And what does all of that mean? The Interphase EDGE Program is a summer program for incoming MIT students to help ease their transition into freshman fall. As an RFA, I am responsible for overseeing a ‘cluster’ of three first-years/freshmen/frosh, teaching a workshop/recitation section, of which I teach chemistry, and being present as a guide and resource to help the seventy Interphase scholars. This is probably the most fun job you can get in the summer (though I might be a little biased). With it, I get the satisfaction of being a mentor to the incoming freshmen, the experience of being a TA for a class, and if that already wasn’t cool enough, as bonuses I get breakfast, dinner, and a single in Maseeh with a partial river view! There’s nothing I dislike about this job, and the people I interact with make it worth every moment (and there’s really nothing like being in a single, which I could probably write another entire blog post about). And my UROP is a UROP, which doesn’t explain much. I guess it might not be as good of an explanation as I first thought since any time I do any random craftwork/work not on my computer, my friends ask me if I’m working on my UROP. I mean, sometimes yeah, I am ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

In actuality, the work I do for my UROP surrounds the idea of designing social robots for older adults. I had started working on this UROP in the spring, designing icons that would be used for the interactive part of the study. This summer, I worked on analyzing transcripts from interviews done by my supervisor with respect to her long-term study and designing tools that could be used to make the interactive part of the study low-cost and portable. As it stands, the icons are stored and used on a very expensive HP Sprout which, from experience, is heavy and very hard to transport to the participants. It has been really interesting hearing older adults’ opinions on technology, their life needs, and the idea of social robots catered to them. The UROP allows me to think creatively to complete assigned tasks, and that is my favorite part of the job.

All of this background is here just to set the tone of my summer, a general what have I been up to sort of thing. What I really want to talk about is my new obsession.

Since getting to Boston last year, I have loved exploring the city, or rather, walking across Harvard Bridge as an excuse not to do psets. I have lived in suburbia my entire life, and as tiresome as some aspects of Boston can be, I have fallen in love with the city. Since nowadays I have much more free time than I do during the academic year, I am OBSESSED with exploring more of Boston. The city comes to life over the summer, with a host of events, food, and fun. Here is a list of some of the fun things Boston has to offer that I’ve done in the past two months:

1.      Travel to New York City!

Okay, this isn’t exactly Boston, but its location is ideal for a day trip to NYC. A friend of mine is doing an internship there, and so we joined her for 24 hours of fun in the Big Apple. A car rental and five hours later, we were exploring the city. We had bagels for breakfast, roamed around Central Park, had food cart food (big yum), walked along the High Line, stared in awe at the Oculus, and wandered through Times Square. New York City is also accessible by train and by bus, and whatever way you get there, it’s a trip I highly recommend! Though again, I might be biased because there is just something about NYC that makes me fall in love with it every single time I visit.

The NYC skyline from the Staten Island ferry

The 9/11 Memorial and the Oculus at the World Trade Center

2.      Watch the 4th of July fireworks (and join in on the                       other festivities)!

If you’re in Boston over the summer, you can’t miss the 4th of July. Like it is physically impossible to avoid this holiday, given that Boston is America’s birthplace. The festivities begin with a flag-raising ceremony at Boston City Hall at 9am, leading to a nice little parade that takes you to the Old State House, where the entirety of the Declaration of Independence is read from the same balcony that it was read from every year since 1776. Throughout the day there are numerous celebrations to get you in a patriotic mood. There is the famous Boston Pops concert that happens across the river on the Esplanade right before the fireworks, which I did not attend but could hear from Memorial Drive.

The fireworks are a very big deal. Large boats that will be lined with fireworks begin to show up on the river from three or four days before the fourth, Harvard bridge is shut down from 4pm the day-of so it can be ready for the show. Rooftops and tall buildings with a river view are lined with people. Since the unofficial best place to watch the fireworks is on the Cambridge side, I collected my work for the day, grabbed a blanket, and sat on a nice, grassy patch of Killian Court when the sun began to set. There were so many people on both sides of the river, an estimated half a million just on the Boston side! And the show was very much worth the wait.

Flag-raising ceremony at Boston City Hall

Minutemen marching in the 4th of July Parade to the Old State House

Fireworks!!!

3.      Go to Maria’s Pastry Shop!

I am an outlier of sorts in that I don’t like the infamous Mike’s Pastry’s cannolis. I really don’t. But I wasn’t worried because the North End has no shortage of pastry shops or cannoli options to try. I heard a lot about Maria’s Pastry Shop so one weekday morning before I had to go in for my UROP, I took an Uber with friends to eat some freshly baked goods and cannolis. And holy cannoli it was good. 10/10, will eat again.

(I have no pictures of the cannolis, I ate them immediately)

4.      Go to Revere Beach!

Walking through Boston, it doesn’t feel like the coast could be so close and accessible, but it is! Just a hop, skip, and jump away from campus is a beach you can visit for $5 roundtrip on the subway. Just take the red line, transfer to orange, and go all the way down the blue line to Wonderland: even the name of the stop expresses how nice the place is. On a really hot summer day, the water is perfectly cool, and the sand is smooth and soft. I’ve made this trip multiple times since I came to MIT, and over the summer I took a trip with a large group of Interphase scholars! It is a very accessible way to get away from campus and return to nature, at the open border between land and water.

Beach Day at Revere!

5.      Eat pie at Petsi Pies (and visit the school down the                     street)!

At the outskirts of Greater Boston is one of the most delicious pie places I’ve ever tried. I was actually introduced to the place by my UROP supervisor when we went to Cohasset to visit some study participants, and I have been enamored ever since. Peach Blackberry with Walnut Crumb. Brown Butter Pecan Pie. It tastes even better than they sound. This would have been a quick trip on the Red Line, but on the day in question, the Red Line was broken :(

After getting there, we walked towards a small park to eat, then to Harvard Square for dinner. While walking there I noticed that the Curious George store was missing from its corner (no! what a travesty!) but then I found out it was moving to Central Square (yay! it will be closer!) so that was fun. Walking through Harvard campus, I felt like I was intruding on the place or something lol. We visited Widener Library to get our complementary Harvard library cards for access to their library and shuttle system, but it was closed for the day. I will be back to Harvard sometime soon for that.

What happened with the cannolis happened with the pies ;(

6.      Take the Commuter Rail!

There is a really awesome deal right now that I believe began around when summer started, and that is the $10 unlimited weekend commuter rail pass, valid on Saturdays and Sundays. Some trips on the commuter rail are $10 for a one-way ticket, so this is actually a very good deal. One Saturday, a large group of friends and I took the commuter rail to Manchester-by-the-Sea (yes, like from the movie) and walked over to Singing Beach, a picture-perfect beach, and the most beautiful one I have visited yet. Yes, I’m from Florida. The waves were the clearest blue, the sand, the lightest beige, and the sky was bright with the heat of the sun. The water was perfect.

We then got back on the commuter rail and spent the rest of the day in Rockport, a little seaside town made infamous by its artists, seafood, and quaint, colorful buildings. We took a stroll down Bearskin Neck, ate lobster rolls at Roy Moore’s, and tasted samples of delicious fudge from the Fudgery. All this was a mere hour-long train ride away.

On Sunday, we took the commuter rail west, all on the same $10 pass, and went to a farm to go fruit picking in Sherborn. We walked between peach trees and enjoyed the warm weather with good conversation and laughter. The day ended back in Boston, with a walk through Chinatown.

There are many more great stops on the commuter rail, including Concord, Salem, and Gloucester. I can’t wait to explore more of the commuter rail.

Motif #1 in Rockport

Rocks at Rockport (I understand the name now)

Peaches at Sunshine Farms in Sherborn

My first summer in Boston has been super fun and overall a great success, and I still have about half a month left of it to go. My next few weekends aren’t planned yet, but I can’t wait to see what’s in store!

*This actually happens way too often in the summer that it's kind of getting annoying. Boston’s commute is already a mess: from the red line derailment, the MBTA fare hike, construction and lane closures everywhere, don’t even get me started on rush hour traffic. Mass Ave is at a standstill for…a parade? A street race? Huh? I mean guess the dance party was pretty awesome. And the 4th of July fireworks. I have to admit it’s cool sometimes :P

[layaltheblogger2019]

What is something vexing that you're currently wrestling with?

A sudden departure

A look at the words I wasn’t able to write

I wanted to write a blogpost to commemorate Aliza Akhtar and try to have it posted on the blogs, but it was a lot harder than it sounded. The words did not want to come out. The ink did not want to spill out onto the page to make it real.

The following are actual snippets I wrote at varying points after we got the news of her passing. They’ve only been lightly edited for clarity.

Attempt #1

Dear Aliza,

You're no longer with us, apart from that I don't know what to say. There's now a gaping hole in my life. It doesn't make sense? Like how? You're THE course 6. The desi queen. You were gonna go to Spain. I don't understand, like how can everything just stop like that. I don't believe it Aliza. I cannot understand, everything is numb.

Remember when you left? We hugged for so long, you hugged me so tightly.

I'd hoped that the next time I'd be in Jersey I'd see you and your family. Now, I'll just be seeing your family.

I don't believe it to the point that everytime I read condolences in the MSA chat it hits me all over again. Because it makes it real.

Your Hanu cried so much for you Aliza. There was so much love inside of her for you, she misses you so much. She keeps remembering things, and laughing and smiling, then crying because you're no longer here. It's so heartbreaking. I'm holding her hand for you.

I've never seen Samar cry, and it hurts to see her. She misses you so much, she keeps making prayers for you, the moment I walked on to 2E she held me and kept making prayers, she loved you so much.

  Attempt #2

The one thing I keep asking myself is "what does that mean?" What does it mean that the brightest ray of sunshine no longer exists?

I start this out with a picture.

A smile from one of the most beautiful souls I've ever met.

Meet Aliza Akhtar.

Aliza’s older sister, Sameen: "Do the things she never got to do Be a strong independent women for her."

  Attempt #3

Like a flower bursting with color, A beauty unlike any other Like her beautiful flower earrings from Mexico Where she spent a month.

You'll never really know her if you've never met her She's the kind of special person, you'll hear stories about her that sound like fairytales

  Attempt #4

Last week ago today, one of my closest friends at MIT, Aliza Akhtar, passed away in a car accident. She was a strong, independent woman who really did it all.

I wish I could explain what it felt like to be loved by her. To be around her. She wasn't just anybody, she was Aliza Akhtar, desi queen, master programmer, MSA publicity chair, Mickey Singh fangirl, dependable and always down to have a good time, most likely to change the world, a take the risk or lose the chance kind of person. Everyone who met her loved her. I never had a big sister before, and she was the closest thing I had to one.

Aliza was going to change the world, those of us who knew her knew that.

  Attempt #5

Last week ago today, one of my closest friends at MIT, Aliza Akhtar, passed away in a car accident.

Aliza was the kind of person you'd wish and hope to meet at least once in your life, she was bright, happy, she was a ray of sunshine with the purest heart. Her soul was so beautiful. Sometimes you just meet those people that are literally angels, who are too good for this world. Aliza was that person.

The night before Aliza left MIT to go home, we went to Maseeh for food and on our back the weather was so nice, the moon was out, Aliza suggested we sit and enjoy it. And we did. We sat on the sidewalk right by the bike storage in between Maseeh and McCormick with Faran and Sonia 2.0 (the electric scooter). And it was magical. I had a final to study for that they both insisted I should leave to do. But I couldn't leave and I didn't for quite a while. It's like God knew and gave me more time.

When we said goodbye, we hugged so tightly in the lobby and for so long. I had never had her hug me so hard. And she kept telling me to enjoy my summer, and I told her to enjoy hers. And we just kept doing that in the lobby for 5 minutes. And when she left she turned, looked through the glass, waved, and that's the last time I ever saw her.

I wish I could explain what it felt like to be loved by her. To be around her. She wasn't just anybody, she was Aliza Akhtar, desi queen, master programmer, MSA exec member, always down to have a good time, the greatest and purest person ever. I don't want Aliza to be forgotten, because that just means she dies twice. She doesn't deserve that. She deserves more than I could ever give her.

Attempt #6

I shoveled dirt into her grave.

The happy people I spent time with at MIT, in the dining hall, in the BLR, in the infinite, I never expected to stand with all of them in the graveyard.

In the car, Haniya slept on my shoulder, holding my hand. She held Samar's hand in parallel.

I opened Snapchat and saw an unopened story. From her. I swallowed the lump in my throat and tapped it, welcomed by Baskin Robin's and an unfamiliar smile. 15 hours ago...which seemed very close to the time it happened. She was probably driving home from there...

We all realized it.

Once we get to the graveyard, just on time, we get out of the car in a pack. I won't ever forget Wasay emotionally collapsing in front of me, into Baraa. It was such a long car ride, he had to keep going strong while driving, he grieved.

We barely recognized her, and her the same but our shared grief gave us a momentary clarity. It was the mother of the family friends. She told us what had happened. Driving home in the dark in two separate cars. Worry when Aliza's car doesn't return. Steps retraced and ambulances are found. A drive to the hospital. They are frantic, finding out that her sister is hurt but will be okay. And that Aliza is not.

And we cry as we walk, grasping onto each other. Trying to hold on.

I saw their faces as the casket was retrieved. Cries and whimpers and pain. I saw Sameen, and for a moment in her I saw Aliza. I saw Aliza crying. And I wondered then who was really wrapped up in those white sheets. A mistake must have been made. There was no way the casket being lifted up was hers. And the dirt just started piling. And it began to cover her. And she was 6 feet below me, so far down. And the imam from her mosque was so annoyingly persistent. So nonchalant and a little aggressive. And in the moment I wondered how he'd be acting if it was his son or daughter being buried.

  Attempt #7

Aliza's death hurts me in new ways every time I really sit and think about it. I really, really miss her. Sometimes I text her on Messenger hoping this has all been some mistake and she'll reply. But she doesn't reply. The last thing she texted me was that she loves me and misses me. I love her and miss her too. She won't be coming back next semester, that's a fact, and I didn't believe it at first but the fog is starting to clear. I feel like so many people have moved on already, and so quickly too. I haven't. I don't know if I ever will. I wish I could talk to someone, but I don't know if anyone wants to be reminded of the pain.

At her burial when everyone was sobbing, I looked up at her family and did a double take because when I saw her older sister crying, I saw Aliza crying. And for a moment then I wondered if maybe the body being carried over to the 6-foot deep hole wasn't Aliza, but someone else. It was so surreal. That whole day was too surreal. I still remember so much of it, the seconds passed so slowly. I sat in a car for 6 hours sweating and crying and wondering how it was possible to have so much bodily fluid exiting my body at the same time. I threw dirt into her grave, I helped bury her. I saw my friends at their lowest, I saw them in agony, faces warped into shapes I've never seen, I saw them in ways I never expected to. I'm still hurting. A little more than a month later and it feels like I just got the news last week.

I miss you Aliza. I don’t think I’ll ever stop missing you.

I will hear your laughter in McCormick. I will see your shadow in the Infinite. I will remember you in the simplest of moments for the rest of my life and wish you were still here.

Please consider donating to charity on Aliza’s behalf here: https://tinyurl.com/AlizasCharities

[layaltheblogger2019]

A compilation of your favorite songs this semester: what experiences do they remind you of? when you like to listen to them?

A year in music

Aka freshman year was pretty wild.

Note: I’ve linked the music that I mention to start at around the time the quoted lyrics start playing but feel free to listen to the songs from the beginning!

Music. Whether you’re the kind of person that rarely listens or the kind that always has a soundtrack playing in your head, you can’t deny that music is sort of everywhere you go. I myself am not a very regular listener, but I can appreciate a good chorus or beat when I hear it. When I listen to music, I close my eyes and allow myself to be carried away by the poetry of the lyrics and pulled under by the hidden meanings of certain verses. When I listen to music, I envelop myself in a song like a caterpillar in a cocoon, and invariably attach a feeling, person, or life event to it. Particularly when I am at the highs and lows of the sine graph that is my life do I look to music to find some way to explain how I feel.

Freshman year at MIT was one of the craziest sine curves I could have ever imagined; it was one of the most life-changing years of my life. I transformed so much that there were times I didn’t recognize the girl in the mirror. I morphed in such a way that sometimes others didn’t recognize me. I made a lot of mistakes. But I also grew up, became more experienced, found my identity, and blazed my own trail. This is my freshman year in music:

September – Phone by Mickey Singh Making new friends

I was in Aliza’s room. After a good venting session on my part and some delicious pudding, courtesy of her snack shelf, we each began to work on our own assignments and responsibilities, her at her desk, me sitting on her bed. She asked if she could play music, to which I agreed. There were awkward pauses in the flow of interaction between us, but it was endearing, as is typical on the path of new friendship. Everything was quite normal, until a song I didn’t recognize began to play. It was poppy; it was intriguing. And it was in a different language. ‘Do you want me to skip this’, she asked quickly. ‘My YouTube is on autoplay and it automatically played desi music’. As it stood in that moment, we were two people from unlike backgrounds who didn’t know that much about each other yet. I was an Arab from Florida, she, a Pakistani from New Jersey. I hesitated momentarily before I replied with ‘no, I like it’. And I did like it.

Little did I know that this would become a common soundtrack throughout my fall, a beat that reminded me of my first naïve but confident steps into independence. A beat that reminded me of true happiness and freedom. A beat that reminded me of my first, wonderful group of friends.

  October – My Blood by Twenty One Pilots Making a home somewhere new

Homesickness. If you asked me in December, freshman fall was like heaven on earth. At least that’s how it felt like when it was ending. But near its beginning, I wasn’t totally happy. I missed home, my family, and my friends. Everyone I loved was together back in Florida, I was much further north. It was colder here, lonelier here. Sometimes I got impatient that I wasn’t good at conversation, that I somehow couldn’t make as many friends, that I couldn’t figure out my academics, that I just couldn’t do anything—as well as my peers could.

I just felt at a loss sometimes.

Stay with me, no, you don't need to run Stay with me, my blood, you don't need to run

(I may be biased because I went to a Twenty One Pilots concert at the end of October)

 November – Still Feel by Half Alive Making it through

I was kind of killing it: getting psets done, practicing swimming (to pass the boat test), going to the gym. This was the beginning of what I guess I could call my sprint to the finish. I had my life together – for like the first two weeks anyway.

But then I was barely holding on. Psets were crammed hours before they were due, swimming turned into sinking, and things weren’t going too well. Then I found a medium place, where I was just making it. I was half alive, and I was okay with that.

I still feel alive When it is hopeless, I start to notice And I still feel alive Falling forward, back into orbit

That’s what November felt like.

  December – Castle on the Hill by Ed Sheeran Made it

December was hugs farewell and tying loose ends. December was last assignments and final exams. December was crossing the finish line with a second to spare. December was the feeling of belonging somewhere. (And then shortly after, having to leave it)

I said goodbye to a good friend, Samar along with a few others as we drove her to the airport, Castle on the Hill playing in the background. I made a semester recap video to the same song, which brought back nostalgia for times I had only experienced a few weeks prior.

Found my heart and broke it here Made friends and lost them through the years And I've not seen the roaring fields in so long, I know I've grown But I can't wait to go home

And going home for winter break, my last view of MIT in 2018 was a room filled with people I really cared about, all playing the same game, eating pizza and laughing, all smiling and waving back at me.

Since when could you feel homesick for two places at once?

 January –What You Know by Two Door Cinema Club Making a new path

I don’t remember much about January except that it was very cold and very dark. Over IAP, I was still surrounded by the warmth and light of friends who were here, and I was also taking more classes than humanly possible. This song reminds me of waking up on a lazy and dim IAP morning, looking at the gray sky and frosty-covered outside as it snowed, wrapped up in navy bedsheets.

  February –100 Bad Days by AJR Making mistakes

A rough start to a semester. But it’s too early to give up isn’t it?

When all is going wrong and you're scared as hell What you gonna do? Who you gonna tell? Maybe a hundred bad days made a hundred good stories A hundred good stories make me interesting at parties

  March – Connection by OneRepublic Making choices

Things are moving too fast, I’m changing too fast, there’s so much to do and so much to think about. I don’t know what I’m doing. I am an impostor.  I wish I could take a break. I need help. Who do I turn to? Why do I feel like such a burden?

Maybe I should try to find the old me Take me to the places and the people that know me Tryin’ to disconnect, thinking maybe you could show me If there’s so many people here, then why am I so lonely? Can I get a connection? Can I get, can I get a connection?

  April – Viva La Vida by Coldplay Making progress

There was one very special Sunday in April. I made time with some others to go to Revere Beach. And to say it was a welcome distraction from the stress is an understatement. We were there for maybe a collective hour, but the entirety of the trip gave me a feeling of love I didn’t know I needed. Self love. Love of nature. Love from others. Love for others. Loving the small moments of bliss and joy that I can get in these busy times.

On our way there, we sat in the car singing along to the sound of nostalgia, laughing our responsibilities away, and putting our arms out the window to feel the wind on our skin: all to feel something again.

And once we were driving on a bridge we heard this:

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing Roman Cavalry choirs are singing Be my mirror, my sword and shield My missionaries in a foreign field For some reason I can’t explain Once you go there was never, never a honest word And that was when I ruled the world

For a brief moment, we did rule the world. All of us in that car. That is what happiness feels like when you most need it.

  May – Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol Breaking down

May was hugs farewell and tying loose ends. May was last-minute projects and final exams. May was crossing the finish line with two seconds to spare. May was loss, heartbreak, and unstoppable tears.

Aliza was killed by a drunk driver shortly after we all said goodbye to her for the summer. We didn’t realize how long we’d be saying goodbye for.

The night before she left MIT to go home we got late night from Maseeh dining and then, because of the beautiful weather, decided to sit on the sidewalk, right between Maseeh and McCormick. And we sat there for a wonderous half hour. I had a final the next morning, but the weather was too good, the company even better. We could see the remains of the full moon in our periphery. We didn’t know what would happen when the sun rose, but we focused on the cool breeze on our faces, the stars in our eyes. I never wanted to leave.

If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world? Forget what we're told Before we get too old Show me a garden that's bursting into life

I am so lucky to have met her.

 June (encore) – Good Grief by Bastille Making it through life, one step at a time

A summer in Boston that I put together very last minute, my life is slowly rebuilding. It’s a mess, but what life isn’t? I’m nervous to see the outcome, and I worry about tomorrow before I get through today. What can I do except try my best then hope it all works out?

Watching through my fingers, watching through my fingers In my thoughts you're far away And you are whistling the melody, whistling the melody Crystallizing clear as day Oh, I can picture you so easily, picture you so easily   What's gonna be left of the world if you're not in it? What's gonna be left of the world, oh   Every minute and every hour I miss you, I miss you, I miss you more Every stumble and each misfire I miss you, I miss you, I miss you more

(I still miss you)

Since my freshman year has ended, I haven’t really been able to slow down and reflect on everything that has happened. Until I sat in front of my computer to write this.

From where I stand now, I know things will get better again. Then they will inevitably get worse. It’s kind of how sine graphs flow. But I am the producer of my own track, I am the composer of my life symphony. There are three more years of new people to meet, interesting classes to take, difficult problems to face, and melodies for me to piece together. And once it’s all over, I can’t wait to take a look at what has been created. Once it’s all over, I can’t wait to press play.