laptrance

[laptrance]

July 28, 2020

it’s been over two years since my last entry. so much has changed. to update March 8 2018 me:

you give up on job searching atm until 4/24/18. that’s when you start reaching out to all the promotion companies from kucr. planetary was the other promotion company you remembered besides terrorbird. cirstina was super nice and chill and said they just wrapped internships for the summer but to inquire again for the fall. 

you wait those months while still working at mcdonalds. you get good at it and things are second nature to you. you still have moments where you storm out, but you get better at controlling your temper. 

you check back in august and cristina says there are positions open in the fall. it was pretty easy as they accepted you right away. you do this bat shit crazy thing where you try to balance the two. planetary internship Tuesday Thursday Friday and McDonald’s the rest of the days. you even do opening shift during the weekends (4am-12pm).

you’re mostly quiet during your internship. you participate in riyl’s. you mainly talk to cristina while mailing. you don’t open up much until hayoung joins in november i think. mcdonalds is the same as usual, but your sleep schedule’s FUKED UP.

you hear in december that maria (who worked in publicity) is quitting. cristina encourages you to apply. you talk with adam and the interview tbh goes horribly. not like you didn’t have anything to say, but everything you said was wrong LOL. you also talk to george and ben and they lay out what press does but you dont catch any of that.

christmas office party happens and you drink a lot. you open up a lot to EVERYONE, iNCLUDING BEN about your love life (embarrassing) you’re obviously too drunk to drive home, but you stay over the night with nik and alison (goth bless their souls)

you check in with adam on the position occasionally until feb. 2019 when he breaks the bad news. the position’s filled. like how can you be surprised? but you’re still upset. you’re able to turn this as a positive to use your experiences to boost your resume.

you continue to work at mcdonalds and interview at places until you get a random email from adam exactly one year after you first emailed cristina about the internship. adam offers you the job. ofc you accept. you quit mcdonalds and start with planetary on may 1.

learning publicity is one hell of a learning curve. heck, you’re still learning how to do shit even now. but you’re thrown on the deep end with Luna. not your fault. not totally kristen’s fault. but that was a crazy client. 

anyways, your sleep schedule’s still fucked up because of your commute. but at least you have free weekends now! 

some highlights of 2019: you finally get a macbook! but you have a galaxy s9 as a phone lmfao. placements in The Line of Best Fit and Paste! you get absolutely entranced with warehouse raves. you literally go to at least once a month. falling in love with queen of jeans and linking up with their publicist Jamie Coletta (she’s super cool and the best at the game), going on two (2) dates with a really nice girl named sara. you got in your head and probably fucked that up. but it really wasn’t the time. christmas party 2019. same shenanigans but this time you don’t drink as much. you really look for places to move out to with ryan and he finds a house that angeli and linda live. two people are moving out and the rooms go for $500 and $600. you get the $500 room and are set to move in on Feb 16 2020. news of a disease called coronavirus is first detected in china. this will be important later.

oh 2020. what a shite year. if i told myself the things i’ll write down below i would not believe it. but here it is. everything that has happened so far in 2020:

first cases of coronavirus appear in washington on january. you’re not too concerned about it. 

you’re working this country artist aminah hughes and land a placement in american songwriter for January 31 (1st time!). there are some issues and they post it one day later, but you weren’t as attentive as you should’ve been over the weekend.

adam talks to you about it the following monday (2/3) in a really calm matter but you beat yourself up over it. so much so that on your way home, you totally don’t notice a pedestrian crossing galloping hills and eucalyptus and run them over. everything feels like a blur, but you’re able to talk to the police, karen, and kimberly (state farm) about it. you take tuesday-thursday off.

you move in (night before you saw bored lord and octo octa until 3am wtf). you don’t have a car (for obvious reasons), but you’re able to commute to work via bus/subway (which you would’ve done anyway cause you love public transportation lol)

you’re able to return to normal life mostly until middle march. cases of the newly named COVID-19 have spread throughout the united states and you hear of workspaces transitioning over to work from home operations. planetary soon follows suit. our last day in the office is march 13.

literally the week after you start wfh animal crossing new horizons comes out. that keeps you busy for like two, three months tops. it’s also a nice way to keep in touch with friends. 

your first therapy session happens on march 31. you’re able to talk about the accident, but it’s quickly directed to self-esteem. it’s an ongoing process, but you’re slowly advancing. it’s not linear, but it’s better than doing nothing.

Bandcamp establishes “Bandcamp Day”, 24 hour periods in which the site’s share of profits go directly to artists/labels. Started in April, will continue through the end of 2020. All the money I would normally spend on concerts goes here now. That and I fall to the hands of food delivery apps (door dash wins)

your campaign with Atta Boy gets going. first track premieres at Atwood Magazine (2nd time! [1st time was with sophia st. helen, another awesome client]). band’s super happy about it (even mr. josh brolin himself gave a shout out [bias ofc]). by the end of may you land their second single on THE MOTHERFUCKING FADER (1ST TIME OBVIOUSLY). 

everything else is going surprisingly well for the most part (except for elp, but i don’t wanna talk about those fucking idiots) despite the ever-changing landscape of music journalism. huge blogs are letting people go while smaller sites are remaining mostly the same. 

On May 25, George Floyd is murdered by Minneapolis police which sparks the biggest wave of activity in the Black Lives Matter movement since Michael Brown’s death in 2014. organizing/activism is still going on to this day (7/28). 

For me personally, I’m making a conscious effort to highlight Black artists on my Bandcamp days and general sharing of music. I also joined a book club (6/18) and read “Are Prisons Obsolete” in its entirety. We’re currently reading a comic series called Bitch Planet. Deep and meaningful conversations.

the family hears news of Lola’s declining health. June 23rd (Manila time) is the day she passes away. We’re all able to say our last goodbyes via facebook video call. this is the first time i see my dad cry.

funeral takes place on june 27th. we’re able to partake in the ceremony via zoom. the first and only funeral i “attended” online (so far).

I start “fixing” myself physically. I went to physical therapy from 6/8-7/7. the exercises do wonders to my knees (ty dr. bailey!). also saw a dermatologist on 7/10. really quick appt. kinda felt rushed imo, but i was given a special sunscreen that works so far? also recommended otc meds like claritin.

ended campaign with atta boy. really sad to see them go. currently coordinating with their new managers on a possible podcast and press setup. 

and that’s pretty much it! it’s a lot of shit, i know, but it happened all within 2 years. overall i’d say we were pretty successful in finding a big-girl job and MOVING OUT, WHICH I THOUGHT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN LMFAO. as for the shit you were hung up on with angelica, you’re so much better now, but you think about the good memories from time to time. sometimes it gets you down, but you’re thankful for the memories (come through fallout boy LMFAO AHAHA FALLOUT AMIRIGHT) and you learned from your mistakes. maybe it will be another two years before i leave another update, might be less, might be more. 

but i’m extremely proud at how far i’ve come.

im proud of you, me.

#personal #do people still tag personal stuff as personal? #do people still read tags the way they do? #or is it just for clout chasing now. idk

[laptrance]

March 8

it was pretty stressful at work cause we were understaffed and the staff we did have was either too busy taking care of other business or was useless lol. by the time other staff members came in things started calming down. 

I miss school. I miss being able to hang with friends all the time without the restraints of distance and time being critical factors. i miss having a place to kinda call my own. I miss the experiencing hard work paying off. I miss thinking I had so much to look forward to after graduating. I miss feeling I was worth something. I miss being happy in general.

It’s so hard being optimistic about anything when I keep getting rejected from job offers, hell I even got rejected by a friend I thought I’d always have around. 

I always knew there’s something wrong with me. it just hurts now having it reflected in my life 

[laptrance]

Mar 3rd

it’s been a while since i wrote stuff on here. some stuff has happened. i got hired at mcdonalds and i’ve been working there for about two weeks now. i like it cause i have something to do and im interacting with new people. part of me is ashamed cause it’s mcdonalds. but this is only temporary of course. 

idk, it’s been a little over two months since i’ve talked to angelica and, as of right now, i dont feel anything anymore or at least anything good. as each day passes, the desire to send the letter i wrote decreases more and more. i think it’s cause im finding it harder to see anything worth salvaging. the past is becoming more of a faded memory. also since she hasn’t said anything for this long, it tells me that she’s done. i’m almost done too. 

[laptrance]

February 7

went to disneyland for perhaps the last time for a while. here are the rides i rode:

pirates

haunted mansion

indiana jones

space mountain

matterhorn

peter pan

star tours

guardians

radiator racers

grizzly river run

soarin

disneyland railroad

[laptrance]

February 6

woke up around 11

ate leftovers for lunch (salmon and rice) 

cleaned the countertop for the bathroom

showered 

went in for McDonalds interview 

free yogurt with Monica and Meghan

worked on stuff at dripp

taco Tuesday with Monica, Kristine, Abbie, and Meghan 

just been on the CPU since 

I'm reading this time article about friendship ghosting and it’s making me realize some things. I’ll paste it down as I continue reading 

“Why cut someone off without saying why? For one thing, explaining opens a conversation, implying you want to work things out, which you don’t. But there’s another reason, too. Many of us find it hard to say anything negative outright, so we swallow our hurt—until it chokes us.”

“When that happens, it might help to know that others have suffered the same fate, and that sometimes it really is [...] not because of anything we did wrong. It might, in fact, be a testament to how important the friendship was.”

the first bolded is the reason why I’m not talking to Angelica. I think the second bolded is the reason why Angelica isn’t talking to me.or it could be both the bolded for her. 

[laptrance]

February 5

went with Kristine to CSUF

sat in on her show (her last first show)

lunch at McDonald’s (big mac, fries, diet coke)

submitted application to happy lemon, did the interview the same day (I don’t know how I feel about it. I think it’s a 50/50. it was pretty chill though)

Saw Call Me By Your Name. bawled like a baby again (again, for personal reasons) 

now I'm sitting here waiting to go home at TR 

I guess the reason call me by your name hit hard is because I saw a lot of myself in Elio. It’s kind of refreshing to see the dad defend gay love when he had his gay friends come over. And his monologue at the end struck a chord with me while also giving a sense of clarity about everything going on this month: 

When you least expect it, Nature has cunning ways of finding our weakest spot. Just remember: I am here. Right now you may not want to feel anything. Perhaps you never wished to feel anything. And perhaps it’s not to me that you’ll want to speak about these things. But feel something you obviously did.

You had a beautiful friendship. Maybe more than a friendship. And I envy you. In my place, most parents would hope the whole thing goes away, to pray that their sons land on their feet. But I am not such a parent. In your place, if there is pain, nurse it. And if there is a flame, don’t snuff it out. Don’t be brutal with it. We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster, that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to make yourself feel nothing so as not to feel anything ― what a waste!

Here’s additional text from the book the movie is based on: 

“Withdrawal can be a terrible thing when it keeps us awake at night, and watching others forget us sooner than we’d want to be forgotten is no better,”

I still feel sad, but it’s getting better. I think I’m ready to send the letter now.

[laptrance]

February 4

11am mass

brunch at corky’s

watched the super bowl at connie’s with ant and shota

went to happy lemon to work/play bananagrams

i saw mindy and asked for an application LMAO

brushed up on my resume. added a summary this time.

thinking about what happened this past month doesn’t hurt nearly as much as it did when it first started but the struggle is still very real. as of right now my sympathizing ass is winning the fight, but i still feel resentment rising after angelica changed her profile pics on instagram and twitter. i gotta talk to kim about sending the letter for real this time.

[laptrance]

February 3

woke up around 12:30, had lunch at fish grill (tilapia with hummus and fries), went on the computer, had dinner with tanisha, kim-mai, and dave at young dong tofu (dumpling soup), and now im here. 

im slowly but (maybe) surely growing to hate angelica. i never thought i’d come to this, but it’s getting there.  

[laptrance]

January 26-29

January 26

packed up for the big bear trip

met up with connie and ant to pack the things in the van

went over to ryan’s house

played 5 rounds of codenames (i won all five rounds). was pretty happy fion played with us too

slept at around 2am

i learned a couple of strengths and weaknesses of myself through ant. he’s horrible at word games and i’m generally good at it. but i’m horrible with taking initiative while he can do that kind of stuff in an instant.

January 27

woke up around 6:30

got breakfast at mcdonald’s

picked up our rentals at leroy’s

arrived at bear mountain around 10:30/11

i fell on my ass like 5 times the first two rounds of slopes

i talked to hogun about skiing and he asked if i ever ice skated (cause cki had a social) and i thought of skiing that way and got the hang of it!!

rode down the intermediate slopes 2 times

settled into the cabin

i helped ant shota and hogun cook dinner

showered but was soon interrupted cause ryan spilled hot oil on himself

ate dinner (grilled chicken, dino nuggets, curry, rice) while watching high school musical

played that three word game that’s like monikers two times: one regular and one with a movie theme

played drunk stoned and stupid (kinda like the judge)

played a point system truth or dare (i lost and i still haven’t done my punishment yet, which is to do an ice bath)

slept around 4/5am

today felt like two days. whenever i hang out with ant, connie, shota, and ryan we do a shit ton of things. sometimes it can be a bit too much, but i really love how ant packs as many activites as possible to the alloted time he has. he doesn’t have a lot of leisure time but he makes the most of it.

January 28

woke up around 9:30

packed up our stuff and stuffed it in the cars

visited castle rock to play i. the snow for a bit

made a snowman named tim (cause irl tim had to finish up some work)

ate lunch at the lake area we went on during board retreat

drove back to ryan’s place

once we got back to ryan’s place, everyone played bang and betrayal, but i was hella tired from the drive back and i fell asleep.

drove ant and connie back to my place, but we had taco bell before officially going back to my place

once we got back to my place we unloaded the stuff and ant and connie hung out for a bit.

they went home and i continued sorting out stuff from the trip.

i think the highlight of this day was driving back to riverside cause i was able to have a pretty meaningful conversation with ryan about a lot of things. i told him about everything angelica and i are going through in more detail. he told me about the dynamic of his relationship with fion and his worries about sticking to neuroscience as a major. we were both able to give good advice about our troubles and it felt good talking about those things irl. i really like that with ryan, shota, ant, and connie i don’t really talk to them through text. the bulk of our conversations are held in-person. i also really appreciate how ryan was able to open up about these things because before big bear, i didn’t really know too much about him outside cki stuff.

January 29

woke up around 12pm

ate lunch (adobo)

slept til 4

started doing duolingo again (brushed up on japanese, french, and started learning chinese)

watched watchmojo videos again while rewriting the apology letter

ate dinner (spaghetti)

continued on the letter

[laptrance]

January 24

today was mostly bad, horrible almost. 

ate at mcdonalds with kristine and mom, dropped kristine off at school, bought tickets to see the shape of water, messed around in guitar center while waiting for the movie, then i saw the shape of water 

i dont know why (but i do know why), but i bawled for a good third or even half of the movie. it all started when elisa was trying to convince giles to save the amphibian man. how that conversation was delivered broke me. elisa had giles repeat what she was gesturing, which i’ll provide from the screenplay  

GILES (CONT'D) 

OK, OK, calm down- I’ll repeat it to you. 

(repeating out loud) “And what am I? I move my mouth - like him- and I make no sound- like him. What does that make me?“ 

(MORE) 

(beat) 

“All that I am, all that I’ve been ever- brought me here- to him.” 

(beat) 

“Him??” What are you talking about? That thing? It’s a “him” now? 

She pushes him and re-signs, violently: “HIM” 

GILES (CONT'D) 

Hey! Watch it! 

(beat) 

“The way he looks at me. He doesn’t know what I lack... Or how I am incomplete. He just sees me for what I am. As I am. And he is happy to see me, every time. Every day.” 

(beat) 

“And now I can either save him now or let him die. Never see his eyes, see me again. I will not let that go...”

the bolded is what drove me to bawl so hard and i couldnt stop after that. i guess why it struck a chord with me is because that’s what i felt whenever i talked to angelcia. those were the exact things that made me so attached to her. there was another scene that made me bawl 

Elisa scrubs her bathtub clean. 

A knock on the door. 

She opens: it’s Giles. 

GILES 

I have... no one else- you are the only person that I can talk to... 

Elisa is moved. Signs “Me, too...”

THIS MADE ME CRY EVEN MORE BECAUSE EVERY SINGLE DAMN WORD THAT I BOLDED IS WHAT I FEEL ABOUT EVERYTHING GOING ON RIGHT NOW. this... is everything that i wish could happen if i ever do apologize. 

all the destructive thoughts like “you’ll never know how to emotionally connect with anyone”, “this is what you get for opening yourself up, you always do that and nobody wants it”, “what is wrong with you fundamentally”, “why is it that all the things i love don’t love me back” flooded my head for the rest of the movie. it still rang in my head after the movie and once i got in kristine’s door, i openly sobbed for a good five minutes. i thought of all the things i was rejected from. i thought of the end of the year dinner for KUCR, i thought of every rejected job application, and i thought of the end of my friendship with angelica. i thought of what she said when i had that breakdown in november, “And I just want you to know I’m here for you even if I can’t always be there physically” it just feels like a lie now. i feel like our friendship was a lie 

after, i went to CSUF’s station. randy crashed into a pole and was in shock so his short term memory disappeared, but alicia was able to take him to the er and he’s better now. then i got a drink with the TR crew and it was kinda fun talking to everyone there. i was able to rant a little about all this shit. i kinda wanna go to a korean spa now lolollll 

i just looked up the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. i think i went through denial and anger during my trip to china, more of anger and bargaining during my first couple weeks back, and depression through all of this (even before, and probably after acceptance), with it’s peak coming this week, specifically today. i’ll ask kim to send the letter after i go through the acceptance stage. 

[laptrance]

January 18

woke up at 2pm again, ate lunch at home (chap chae noodles), and recycled some bottles with kristine. it was frustrating because a lot of bottles still had liquids in them so the guy working there told us to scan the bottles through the machine. even them the machine was rejecting all the arrowhead bottles and half of the rest of our bag. we only got through half but made $14.20. we’ll be finishing the rest tomorrow. after recycling bottles, kristine and i got 7 leaves, got some stuff at target, then had dinner at bravo burger. i s2g i dont have much of an apetite anymore because after eating only one piece of the quesadilla, i was FULL. eating the second one was torture LOL. after bravo burger, we went home. i adjusted some playlists for the Top 10 Albums of 2010 and 2014 because i forgot Gorilla Manor and PHOX’s S/T existed LOL. the rest of the time i was watching youtube videos and talking to max about everything going on with angelica and i 

BY TALKING TO MAX I FIGURED A WAY TO POSSIBLY SAVE OUR FRIENDSHIP. I also realize I may have written the letter wrong, but I’ll worry about it when Friday comes LOL. Anyways, I am pretty sure the reason Angelica isn’t talking to me is because she’s either afraid I know about her talking to Dennis again and doesn’t want to admit that she is, doesn’t want to hear my condemnation at this action, or she believes she can’t maintain a friendship with me while hiding the fact that she is talking to dennis again. If she reads my letter and decides to talk about that’s been going on, I will ask her of she is talking to dennis again then tell her this, "I’m not mad at you for talking to Dennis again, I'm just upset at how you've been acting with me the past couple of weeks because of it. I understand why you’d behave this way because of my thoughts on the letter he sent on Christmas Eve. I can tell you what I think, but it is ultimately up to you to decide what you’ll do, and I’ll support you no matter what you decide man. All you have to do is be truthful about it." i really hope that by telling her that, she’ll see that i am really concerned about the friendship, learn to trust me to talk about her interactions with dennis, and our friendship can be restored all this could happen IF she decides to talk to me about it. 

[laptrance]

i think with the way i’ve been reacting to all this, i think it really is best to just cut off all ties completely. she won’t become my version of fucking dennis.

[laptrance]

ok im just writing this to let out some steam. this would have been my initial reaction to the ignored messages and sudden cut from contact. PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS IS EXTREMELY TOXIC AND WOULD JUST PROVE TO SHOW WHY SHE STOPPED TALKING TO YOU.

fine, if you’re going to just cut me off like you did the rest of your friends and pretend like everything didn’t exist, then fuck you. you’re probably doing this because dennis is in your life. now that he’s there, you dont have to attempt to fill the insatiable hole he left by talking to me anymore. 

i know why you suddenly started talking to me more after the election. its because you stopped talking to dennis and i was merely serving as a distraction from him. now that he’s back in your life you dont need me anymore. how selfish and evil of you to use me like that. i deserve better than a friend who drops me for a boy who can’t even proofread an “apology” letter. watch, you guys are going to get into a fight again, just like last two times, and cut off communication. i know you’ll just find other friends to fill that hole. they’ll get close to you, so much so that you are gonna cut them off again if they get too close. how many times will this happen before you realize that he is no good for you emotionally. i can tell you this a thousand times, but it’s all pointless if you don’t listen. 

honestly, i feel like i’ve been the one always asking to hang out, im the one primarily starting conversations. you even acknowledged that you dont ask friends to hang out on one of yout finsta posts, and you still never asked me once to hang out. 

this friendship has been feeling one sided and i dont know why it only took me until now to realize it. 

[laptrance]

January 17

hung out with kim today. caught up on stuff that’s going on with her (cki, danny, classes, internships, letters of recc). then kim told me about how tanisha and karl broke up. then i asked her if i could talk to her about this falling out angelica and i are having and she said yes. i told her everything. she was kind of surprised but also not surprised. kim agrees with me tho that she should stop talking to dennis. kim also said that she didn’t really like him cause he wouldn’t say hi to her whenever he saw her, or it would just be very short. i told her about how her and max broke up. kim said she likes max better cause he looked like a guy who would treat a girl right lol. max does. 

anyways, i asked kim to give the letter i wrote to angelica and she agreed. i asked if she could just leave it on her desk or something instead of having it get to riverside, cause that shit’s complicated. kim told me that she’ll tell me when she gives it/when angelica reads it, which is kind of reassuring. 

im preparing for the wrost. im thinking the worst is that angelica will be so mad at the fact that i talked to kim about what’s going on between us and how i asked kim to send the letter that she won’t even read it. or she might read the letter and she’ll still not say anything. or it might be a combination of the two. i dont know how long i’ll wait in order for it to be a no. 

best possible situation i can think of is that she’ll read the letter, contact me to talk about our issues, and she’ll tell me the whole damn truth. then we’ll reach a mutual understanding and our friendship will be restored. 

honestly i am really hoping for the best. kim said that she thinks angelica might wanna talk after reading the letter if she saw that i hand wrote the letter. eh, we’ll see. 

if she doesn’t say anything about dennis if we do have a talk about the letter, then i will just drop her completely. if she’s not going to be truthful about her interactions with dennis, then i honestly can’t be her friend anymore. i want to help her so much with everything that’s going on between the two because he is honestly causing her so much emotional distress. like there’s no point in having a close friendship if she’s going to be so secretive about her and dennis. maybe i should try to tell her that i’ll be supportive of whatever she does so that she won’t feel like she needs to hide her interactions with him. i think that’s the reason why she’s becoming so distant. but idk, if she doesn’t want the help, then i’ll leave her the fuck alone to deal with that shit herself. 

i really feel like saying the moral of this story is fuck dennis, but i can’t say that. there’s something going on with him that i don’t know about unless i ask him. i feel like understanding his side will enlighten me as to why their relationship is so fucking on and off. i might be more at peace with their behaviors too. 

I DON’T FUCKING KNOW WHY THIS IS EATING AT ME SO MUCH. WHY CAN’T I JUST MIND MY OWN DAMN BUSINESS????    

since then, i’ve just been deep inside spotify. i made top 10 albums for the years 2006-2015. i also checked out sufjan stevens’ work for call me by your name and tonya harding. it’s really been the only thing distracting enough from all the shit i said above. 

also, im seriously working on my cover letter for the all songs considered internship for summer. i’ve always been so scared to work on the letter because im afraid that i wont get the position again. but this time, since i want to get distracted from all this angelica bullshit, i am really focusing on getting it right as best as i can. all the other times i applied i made stupid mistakes. this time, i’ll get everything right. the email from npr internships encouraging me to apply is surprisingly motivating. 

i made a brainstorm about what ideas i’ll bring to the table, how to write my letter in an engaging yet informative way, and just to motivate myself to actually get it done and get it done right. honestly, i really want to put the work in and get the position. it’ll be such a plus for this year if i do get it.

now in terms of preparing myself to actually fly over and live there for the duration, im applying to food service places to make some money. i wanna be able to work part time in two places so i can use one paycheck for everyday expenses (and paying off loans for part of it) and use another paycheck purely for future DC living expenses. 

if all songs doesn’t work out, not going to lie, im going to be upset, but hopefully not so much if my plan B comes through.

plan B is applying for part time promotion assistant positions for stations like KROQ then applying for a part time position at amoeba. i know amoeba wont be so long, but it would be really cool getting to say i work there for any length of time. hopefully i either climb up the ladder on the promotions assistant job and eventually work full time. if not, then i’ll use the time to apply for other full-time positions. 

somewhere along the way, i want to look for programs that’ll help me gain confidence in my writing skills. tbh college did not help at all. i just know how to write a 5 paragraph essay. i dont know how to convince people of something i want, i dont know how to add spice and variety to a paper. i dont know how to sound like myself in a professional paper. good writing will go a long way. 

[laptrance]

January 16

I spent all day writing this multiple times. Mostly because of proofreading and writing the whole damn letter over again

Dear Angelica, 

It has been some time since we last spoke and there may be even more time before we speak again, that is, if we ever speak again. If not, I just wanted to send this message to explain my recent actions and hopefully give you a proper apology. The last instances of conflict we had, I believe, happened because of one reason. I have been in this cycle of reevaluating our friendship, overthinking about our interactions, setting unwarranted expectations on how I thought you should have behaved, and then lashing out at you whenever I thought did not meet those expectations. 

I have been overly critical of myself in many aspects of my life these past few years. The people/things/activities that kept me from overthinking aren’t there anymore and, currently, I continue to find it very hard not to examine every shortcoming. I feel like I have absolutely no control of my life and it scares me so much. In a desperate and futile attempt to reclaim this control, I thought I could maintain consistency on our interactions. Whenever I saw even tiny instances of “inconsistencies”, I feared they were signs of an issue of huge concern: growing distance of a close friendship. 

In my worrying I set expectations on how you should have behaved/reacted to pretty much any situation. I thought “If Angelica is your close friend, she would respond to your messages right away”,  “If Angelica is your close friend, you guys should be hanging out all the time”,  “If Angelica is your close friend, she’ll talk to you about anything.” All of these expectations are nothing compared to what you have done for me in the past and you’re an incredible friend for that and so much more. You are a person I have been able to relate to on a lot of things, you have listened to me ramble about everything, you’ve gone with me on adventures I would’ve never gone on alone, and you helped me get out of my darkest moments. That is so much more than I could say for pretty much any other friend in my life and somehow I still thought that wasn’t enough. 

By focusing so much on those trivial expectations I dismissed all the important things, thought they weren’t enough, and selfishly asked more from you. You don’t deserve any part of this cycle, especially me lashing out, and I deeply regret making you go through it multiple times after everything you’ve done for me.

Out of the conflicts we had, I think I learned a couple of things. First is that there is no criteria on what a close friend should say/do in order to be a close friend. Everybody is different and shows that they care in different ways. It’s narrow-minded of me to think of a close friend in such a one-dimensional perspective. It’s also very selfish of me to demand constant and undivided attention. The second lesson is that sometimes there isn’t an answer for every question I have and that it’s best to leave them alone, especially when someone tells me this multiple times. I’ll remind myself to not sweat the small stuff because, more often than not, things are actually ok in the bigger picture. Whenever I feel urges of overthinking coming again, I’ll remember these lessons to help decrease it. 

Not going to lie, it’s been hard not talking all the time because it seems to have ended so suddenly without warning and I’m not entirely sure why it happened and I wish we could talk, at least to address why we aren’t talking. I’m terrified that one of the people closest in my life won’t be there anymore either. I believe my fears may have been realized but it came on my hand; I fueled the means of this self-fulfilling prophecy. Despite these fears, I think it’s been good how we haven’t spoken directly for this long. I have become pretty overbearing these last few months and I of all people should know that too much of me is not a good thing. I also realize I depended on you too much for emotional stability and this need negatively affected both of us. All these depressive episodes can be burdensome to handle after so long, so I understand if you need more time apart. I think I also need some time to get my head to a better place, but I’m open to the possibility of picking up where we left off (excluding the overthinking and expectations of course).

If you would like to talk again, I’ll be here. Take all the time you need. If not, thank you for everything. Our friendship this past year means the world to me and I’ll miss it and you greatly. I hope you have a great time in London and that you succeed in all your future endeavors. I’m just so sorry everything had to end this way. 

Sincerely,

Karolyn

[laptrance]

January 3rd

drove my mom and karen to ontario mills. we ate at corner bakery before. they only got a portion of the money they needed for china so i had to drive all the way to a santa ana mall to get the last portion. i got a phone call for an interview at noodle world and did it same day. i think it went ok. not sure how they’ll contact me if they want to hire. so im pretty sure i wont get the job. the car almost broke down multiple times and mom lost the covering for the window controls. grabbed in n out for dinner. i finished my packing. 

we havent talked at all today. just sent snaps for the streak. mine consisted of three. the first one was just one highlighting the day, the second and third showed me taking off my pins. hers was a picture in city hall and she said how she feels like leslie knope whenever she’s in it. im not sure how long this will keep up. im expecting at least through the trip to china, but i’m preparing for indefinitely. i think if none of us say anything after china, i’ll write a goodbye letter. either that or a letter expressing my concerns about how the friendship is right now. 

i may be prematurely feeling emotions about a possible end of our friendship, but i think it’s time.

#i am really not liking 2018 so far

[laptrance]

the past two days

January 1

shopped for travel clothes/supplies and exchanged money at the ontario mills mall. also ate brunch at noodle world jr. they had a hiring sign outside so i asked about it and they gave me an easy application. one of the employees said the manager really needs people and would call as soon as she sees the application, so i hope that’ll get me doing something soon. i felt tired most of the day because i slept late. i think the whole family felt that way since kristine’s temper ran short when looking for parking. started “packing” for china 

January 2

Saw the last jedi with angelica today. i also asked her what she wanted to talk about towards the end of november. she said she forgot which surprised/hurt me. she said she wanted to talk about whatever it was she wanted to talk about after i told her at length my problems being LGBT which i thought was really important, so i thought what she wanted to talk about was important too. when asking about it further [”so it was nothing?”] she said that after thinking about it, she realized that it didn’t have that much significance, which added salt to the wound imo. maybe it was because i expected the thing she wanted to talk about being that she liked me, so i took it personally. i thought i was finished with the conversation and proceeded to talk about last jedi stuff, but as soon as i got home, i asked her another question, which hurt me even more because i felt as if she’s discrediting what im feeling.  

- if you weren’t ready to talk about it, why did you mention it?  

- I probably shouldn't have.

I don't think we're on the same page. This isn't really as big of a deal as it might seem to be.

- ok, i’m sorry. i guess i was only making it a big deal because i don’t know what it was and i overthought about it again.

but you said that after i told you something pretty important, so i thought the thing you wanted to talk about was important too

- It’s fine, don’t be sorry. I think you’re searching for an answer but I really don’t have anything

- nah man i’m still sorry. i was looking for an answer. i made expectations when i shouldn’t have and made it grow as time passed. 

i find it hard to trust her now. after all this, she didnt say what it really was she wanted to talk about. if it wasnt a big deal, she’d have no problem telling me. also, during the BROCKHAMPTON concert, she ignored me for the whole day, even after i told her i was developing hives. then when she finally responded, it was as if she saw it for the first time. all i said was “im fine.” and she got passive aggressive about it. 

okay, sorry for responding so late. hope you had fun at the concert

I see. I totally understand, I think your feelings were appropriate. Don’t be sorry, I’m sorry for being inconsiderate.

i find two major problems with what she said. 

usually she says why she was so busy, but didn’t mention what it was she did even after apologizing 

she’s judging whether what im feeling was appropriate to warrant an apology. it doesnt matter if what im feeling is appropriate to you, what i felt is real to me, which occurred because of what you did.

what i think is going on is that she’s talking to dennis again. i showed her a song and she put it in that damn playlist she made “not for you” and she mentioned today that cal poly started winter quarter today but was changing their schedule to semester. cpp is the school dennis goes to. and she only flat out ignores everything when she hangs out with him. it shouldnt be any of my business, but it became my business when she asked me about that damn “letter” he gave her on christmas eve.

i think i need to end this friendship soon. either that, or i just need to reevaluate it.