labyrinthofvoid

[labyrinthofvoid]

february stars

in february, i went through a lot of ups and downs. i cried a lot that i was already at the brink of giving up. however, i stayed put and picked myself back up as i do not want to lose myself like how i did before. i realised that there are a lot of things that i still haven't experienced and dicovered. therefore, i need to be strong to be able to face more positivity in my life. i realised that there will be bad and good days, and it's totally normal to fall when you are standing strong with your head held high. i am grateful that i pushed myself to keep holding on and face my troubles with a positive mindset. i have gone through so much and i am confident that i can go through other struggles with a resolution. through i was at my lowest, i was surrounded with great people to tell me that it's okay and to cease being so awful to myself. sooner then i realised that i am a person, a human-being who needs to be loved and cared for, and the love and care should always begin within myself. i do not want to repeat the same mistake whereby i lose myself to silly reasons. in the end, all i have is me. the one who truly has my back is me. i read a quote that said, "in a world where you can be anything; be kind." i truly agree with the quote as it reminded me of my inner child, whom long for the showers of endless affection she couldn't receive from anyone, but herself. endless love from herself as she; me. . as i will eternally be here. beathing in the same body for the last 21 years. . that seemed like forever.

[labyrinthofvoid]

bits by bits, i let you in

bits by bits, i let you in.

i made you my home.

you were there for me. you listened, you understood, you sympathized.

bits by bits, i let you in.

we were happy.

we were there for each other. we listened, we understood, we sympathized.

bits by bits, i let you in.

you would sometimes disappear.

you apologized.

bits by bits, i let you in.

i was alone.

you hated it, you were angry.

bits by bits, i let you in.

i was knocking on death's door.

you were gone.

bits by bits, i stopped letting you in.

you were knocking on our door.

i was killed. my heart was killed... a long time ago when i made you my home.

[labyrinthofvoid]

disheartened

some things aren't supposed to be said, heard or... felt.

in my case, i wish i do not feel certain things. i wish emotions or feelings do not exist. i cease to believe that having feelings help you in solving certain issues since i feel like its pointless. see, there i go again, feeling something. it's exhausting.

i don't mean to dwell on my personal issues for a long time because i thought these feelings were temporary. maybe it will subside after having my favorite meal for tuesday's brunch or even after driving through the sunset while jamming to indie rock. but... i don't enjoy doing any of those anymore.

i do not think i am sad. when you feel sad, you cry it out to feel better, and you eventually will.

i feel like i am more to feeling disheartened which if i repress more, it will make me feel overwhelmed- and that is when i break down, and it will last forever.

i wish some things would not be said, heard or felt.

you will stop believing or thinking that life is worth fighting for.

[labyrinthofvoid]

anger

i find anger to be very fascinating.

when you are angry, you rile up.

when you rile up, that is when you let your walls down and expose what enrages you.

and when that happens, you would want to win and extinguish what causes you to be angry.

you want to fight.

you need to be the winner.

you start to fail in controlling yourself.

you start to raise your voice.

you start to say things that you will later regret.

you start to slowly lose yourself.

finally, everything explodes.

you feel the pleasure in letting out how you feel.

the feelings of frustration and rage,

gone, forever.

[labyrinthofvoid]

you don't understand

january left.

i hated that month.

i hated how nothing changed.

nothing ever changes,

just another month wasted.

i can't sit quietly and lie by saying that life is great.

quite frankly, life has treated me ugly since few months ago.

i have been living in a bubble that is unhealthy for my being.

the bubble is very dark, scary, and full of negativity.

the worst part is that i have been trying to escape the bubble, but i keep failing and coming back to it.

i have been told that i don't get to complain.

"someone else has it worse."

"i have been through the same thing but i got through it."

"stop complaining, stop whining."

you don't understand.

you don't understand the way my heart aches when i start noticing that i am slowly falling down.

you don't understand how scarily new it is to me to become a different person.

you don't understand my nightmares.

you don't understand how my mind works.

you don't understand how hard i have tried.

you don't because i do.

i am scared. for my life

[labyrinthofvoid]

pretty, pretty enough

it was the moment when she traced her fingers on the stretch marks she has had for awhile,

the stretch marks kissing her soft tummy, the tummy she fills with comfort meals to lighten up her bad days.

it was the moment when she couldn't fit into her favorite denim jeans,

the jeans she wore to places she saw as goodness on earth.

it was the moment when she applied aloe vera on her cheeks,

the plump, round cheeks that gets red on hot, scorching sunny days.

it was the moment when she combed her wavy hair before sleep,

the red, somewhat brown midi hair that gets frizzy after a long shower.

it was the moment when she cracked her knuckles,

the same knuckles she would rub and tap as a fidgeting method to calm her down when anxiety kicks in.

it was the moment when she changed her ear studs,

the same ear that listens to her favorite rock songs.

it was the moment when she bit her underlip,

the same lips that speaks unpredictable things.

it was the moment when she closed her eyes to memorise a speech line,

the same eyes that sees beautiful sunsets.

it was the moment when she did all these,

the same moment where she feels pretty, pretty enough.

[labyrinthofvoid]

"nobody would know."

there she was, laying down on her childhood bed, undressed. feeling cold, alone, unsafe, afraid, and confused.

wanted to let it out, she does. not wanting to feel a certain way, truly. hesitation, she feels. wanting to forget, eternally.

2015. it was him who splashed black paint on her clean hands. it was him who broke her mirror. it was him who extinguished her fire. he knew what he was doing. he knew who she was to him. he knew she trusted him with her thin skin, beating heart, and innocent soul.

"nobody would know."

he left her. bared mind.

she stayed. cold, alone, unsafe, afraid, and confused. betrayed

clean hands were not a thing in her world anymore. scattered pieces of glass from her mirror, the mirror she used to comb her hair and feel beautiful. her fire was extinguished.

"nobody would know." she muttered to herself softly. not cracking a voice. afraid of anyone to hear.

nobody would know as she still feels cold, alone, unsafe, afraid, and confused today.