la-kidd-love

[la-kidd-love]

Friends?

How am I suppose to be friends with him?

How am I suppose to just sit back and knowing he’s single and anyone could have him?

Will I ever be enough?

Am I worthy of love?

Why am I like this?

Why must I screw things up every time somethings going right?

He he is the one and I fucked it up like always. Fucking Toby doing as he does pushing people away but this time oh this time I really did it. How pathetic I am.

It’s due to some mental issues I know and some days are harder than others to hold on and for a bit there brax and kel really got to have their fun with there not so little brothers Tobius and lane. Lucky kolt was okay pour little one doesn’t understand only wants to be loved and adored as he does. I really wish I could just end brax and kel they are killing me constantly telling me how worthless I am and how unlovable I truly am. Filling my head with lies and making me believe such a man as him would do such vile things. Making me think all I was was a quick fuck n fill for his pleasure. Blinded me and in return causing me to push him away because toby doesn’t have a fucking pair to stand up and not allow it.

When did that happen? How did that happen?

Because the toby I remember wouldn’t have allowed them to dance around like that. They were caged and I’m afraid my downfall with D is the cause of that. He really broke me in ways I’ve never been broken and sadly that was the result of his death.

But with everything and slowly losing my memories I still can remember the times he raped me and hit me and dragged me up the stairs threw me on the bed body slammed me on the bed. All the things he said to me and then I was the one he drunk dialed and you know I went and I knew better. But he had me. Same as the man I love today. Where he hasn’t done the vile things D did. I still can’t seem to find the right things to do or say with him because they have screamed and in a way bullied me to believe these vile things. And it’s truly killing me because I see into his eyes and my heart trusts him but my head is so fucked I can hardly stop to figure out what I’m to say when he’s in front of me. The wrong words and I’m back to feeling like I’m bothering him.

So how do you find the right words when everything is chaotic inside your head and all you want to do is give up?

[la-kidd-love]

Some days I wonder if I am loved.

You know loved the way you love….

Some days it seems like I’ll never get back what I put in. That I’ll never be enough and it hurts so bad. It really hurts. It’s not the over thinking this time. It’s what’s being laid out in front of me. The way people look at me. How disgusted they look. Even him. When I’m standing there dying inside right in front of him. The blank stares the cold looks. I’ve seen it a million times. I’ll never be loved for who I am with all these mental issues. No one wants me. Or them. I’m too much. I’m too clingy. I’m crazy. I’m psycho. I’m a big ass joke. And it’s fine. It’s really okay. I’m use to it. Hell 27 years of it I should be. But that doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt. Probably more now than ever.

[la-kidd-love]

It really hurts when he does things with everyone else but me. I’m stuck to only being there at night. He promised Christmas lights then went with someone else. Said he’d come to Christmas but bailed because he didn’t feel good and that’s fine I know he needs the rest. But the next day was out with everyone. It’s like he’s ashamed or wants to hide me. And that hurts. But I love him. I love him more than life itself. I’m not killing my self because I’m hoping that one day the man I fell in love with will come back. The sweet man who was obsessed with me and wanted to show me off…. But I’m afraid he never will. So I guess I’ll stay and keep being a secret because that’s all I’m good for. I’ll never be enough for him or anyone to ever love in public only in private and only when it’s us and no one else around…. 💔

[la-kidd-love]

At this point I’m just not going to say anything anymore.

The voices are right. Their always right.

It would just be nice to feel the warmth of a hug and hear someone else voice for once. It’ll never happen but I’ll hold hope that one day I’ll be okay. If not then so be it. Things are just way to heavy to bare this alone much longer.

Will anyone hear me if I scream for help?

Will anyone come when I go silent to check on me?

Will someone save me for once?

[la-kidd-love]

[la-kidd-love]

[la-kidd-love]

“We may love the wrong person or cry for the wrong reason. But one thing is sure, mistakes help us find the right person.”

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[la-kidd-love]

“People may not always tell you how they feel about you, but they will always show you. Pay attention.”

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[la-kidd-love]

[la-kidd-love]

[la-kidd-love]

We want to follow you on Instagram! Add us at @staypositiveblog

[la-kidd-love]

Add us on Instagram @staypositiveblog and we’ll follow back <3

[la-kidd-love]

Guys, we’ve officially moved over to Instagram! Follow us and we’ll follow back <3 @staypositiveblog

[la-kidd-love]

[la-kidd-love]

how- when- did they take this picture of me?

[la-kidd-love]

the mf mood

[la-kidd-love]

you can literally feel your brain become fully developed at age 25 btw. i was dumb as shit before then. i still am but in different ways