l0st-h0p3

[l0st-h0p3]

Maybe I haven’t found true love because I’m not supposed to be here for much longer

[l0st-h0p3]

There isn’t no rhyme or reason

I’m just stuck in winters season

[l0st-h0p3]

The trauma haunts me day by day

I have nothing to make it go away

I’m left paralyzed and confused

Not knowing what to do

I still check my backseat every time I get in the car

Lock all of my doors

But he’s hiding in your closet

Or he’s hiding in your bed

He’s outside the windows

Getting ready to shoot you in the head

He’s everywhere I go

Emotions begin to overflow

Trying to forget you hasn’t been easy

But I know I gotta let go

Everything we were was just a story passing in like a windy day

Dancing until we got lost in a daze

What kills me is I knew so much of your person inside and out

But I couldn’t comprehend your motions and I began to fill up with doubt

Cigarettes and Percocets just to drown it out

I cared too much

You cared to a fault

You reacted with too many emotions it put my brain on halt

From one extreme to the next

I was a victim suck in a witches hex

I know I did you dirty

I know I hurt you

But you drove me to a point of insanity

That really became the half of me

I tried to keep up with your dances

I tried to keep up with your requests

But every lie and all the threats

I fell into your wavering ocean never getting to see the other side

Lost in the storms of those baby blue eyes

[l0st-h0p3]

No

No

N

O

It’s a complete sentence

I am not your yes man

I am not your wing woman

I am not your buddy after you had a few

Frankly, I am not even your daughter

I’m the furtherest thing from anything yours

Let’s just be honest

You hate me

And

I hate you

We don’t need to sugar coat it

Or be dramatic and dance around the issue at hand here

You chose to have me

You chose this

You have a fucked up childhood

So you then went and projected that on to me

You hated your dad

I never met your father

But maybe I have when I look into those possessed eyes

You’re toxic

You’re abusive

You’re manipulative

You’re harsh

You’re crass

You’re mean

You’re negative

You’re a loser

You’re immature

You’re a child

And from now on, no matter the circumstances, I am gonna put my foot down and say no

No

No

NO!

[l0st-h0p3]

We could’ve made it to a year

But I didn’t even shed a tear

You told me you didn’t even believe in love so why the hell am I still here?

[l0st-h0p3]

You always hated the police

Yet you’d send em to my house

Just to see if I was alive

So you wouldn’t doubt

That it was you

Who started all of this

It was you

Who manifested this

I’m falling for it

As I’m sitting in your car

Knowing I can’t escape

For my head and heart will break

I know I can’t escape

This sorta fate

When you play with the devil

I thought I was something special

[l0st-h0p3]

My legs are shakey & my tears are dry

I’m driving in the sleet tonight

You always sound so mean

That look in your eyes

I wanna die

I asked you where you were last night

You choked back the truth and lied

[l0st-h0p3]

It was my first intimate kiss with Chris

Taking my flower

Letting my sexual side devour

The only pure and true moment I had

Never knowing the air turned bad

Then there was Nick

To think about him makes me sick

You might be gone now

But the trauma you caused is remains loud

I was never normal after you

Everything you put me through

Then there was Jamal

Nothing really too exciting just an after school crawl

But then I met the worst of them all

Rob

You made my heart throb

With you I felt so much and so little at the same time

You made me go out of my mind

Then there was Ambrose

A weird creepy bootycall

For 2 nights and that was all

Then there was Tyler

Just a one timer

Then there was Sean

A crazy fuck

A hell of a time

But between his sheets you were also fucking Lennox

The best sex I ever had though regardless

Andrew was weird

Started my period

Bleed all over his bed

But hey he still gave me head

Mitchell was closure

Louis was nothing

Justin was a new door

Chad I blacked out I was on too many drugs

I don’t even remember much

Justin was humiliation and surrender

Roey was a one night stand I can’t really remember

Anthony was damaged and sad

He told me too many things and said I love you which made me mad

Devin didn’t really know what he was doing

Toxicity was looming

So many body’s

So many tongues

Yet love was only temporary with every single one

[l0st-h0p3]

I’ll get high and cut myself

I’ll stay up past 12:00

Because with the blade producing the pain

You feel the same

Connected as one

Shakey and clammy hands gripping the blades

Making you feel insane

The rush of endorphins

Creating a beautifully dark metamorphoses

The first sight of red

The flashes you get in your head

Seasonal depression comes every year

But that is not why I no longer shed a tear

I feel the euphoria

The numbness

Feeling my body plummet into the earths smallest crevices

Buried by darkness and dirt

No longer alert

Just breathing in the toxic fumes

Letting your head disconnect in your tiny room

As you press the blade down

Youre no longer hit with the sound

Your brain becomes radio static

You no longer feel like you will panic

Everything around you becomes pixelated and blurry

But you no longer have the worry

You become Elton John’s rocket man

Escaping this land

As you levitate

You begin to dissociate

Not knowing how much time has passed

Thinking each cut will be your last

Yet every year youre left at the devils front door step

Wondering what will be your final last breath

And every time

You cut a little bit harder

A little bit more

And a little bit deeper

For your heart and soul is bleeding beneath its flesh and bones

Carrying these battles scars alone

Endlessly searching for a home

In chaotic forms and lifeless faces

Surrounding yourself with fakeness

Betting all of your love until you lose to Las Vegas

Walking around feeling broken dirty and tainted

Used up and dry

Get fucked up and cry

Wishing I’ll lose the battle to the blade and just die

Asking myself why do I even try?

[l0st-h0p3]

Fuck recovery I got more love when I was dying

[l0st-h0p3]

And this is why I should no longer try

[l0st-h0p3]

Why is it normal to you that you have to do everything for him?

Why is normal for him to disturb you to do something he’s perfectly capable of doing?

Why must a substance control his actions and words?

Why are you his greatest asset yet greater enemy?

Why must you follow his actions?

Why must you endure his long rants and speeches?

Why must television be “bonding” and conversation?

How can a man not be told bad things for the fear of him hearing it might unleash a side we don’t want to deal with?

Why must you carry his burdens?

Why must you carry his weight?

Why must you carry on like everything’s okay?

Why can’t he walk 3 feet, step high or bend low?

Why is everything and anything always under his control?

Why must the earth stop if he’s lost something?

Why must you wake up everyday not knowing what type of being you’ll face?

Why must his screams sound like a record stuck on repeat?

Why must he only want me when he’s had a few?

Why must he only find joy when he’s sucking the life out of you?

[l0st-h0p3]

Am I that fucked up in the head that now peoples kindness terrifies me. Like I always feel like there is a hidden agenda

Trauma

Trauma

Man oh man

[l0st-h0p3]

I’ve been closing doors in peoples faces

Scared to open a new one

Is it time?

Is it divine?

Will I actually be fine?

I’m so scared of being tangled up in a web of a man

Trying to understand

Trying to comprehend

Until I’m at my wits end

I’ve seen it all

The twisted words

The catastrophic lies

The trauma bonds

The souls being tied

At this point I’ll just be myself

You see I’ve gotta trust my gut

But that’s so hard when someone’s not who you thought

I wanna do over

To start a new

I want real love

Something unharmed like a fresh cut lawn covered in mornings dew

For some it’s not a journey

It’s a quick convo at a bar

Or wishing upon a star

But for me it has been none of this thus far

It’s like a pattern a dance

A maze I’m stuck in trying to find Quentin Tarantino’s true romance

And every time a take a chance

My fears overtake me

And my hearts lost in a trance

I want to just let go

But I will continue to put on my show

Because she won’t know

He won’t know

They won’t know

Why my heart is half full

[l0st-h0p3]

His hands

Gently scraping my body

His eyes

Locked on me

The first kiss

One can only wish

I want you all over

And I don’t care that you’re older

These feelings pour over

I know it’s real because I’m stone cold sober

Won’t you come take me over

I’ll be your lil Lolita

Really tryna meet ya

Outside these walls

If I gave you my number would you call

Or is this wishful thinking after all?

I wanna taste of the wild side

I wanna feel you deep inside

Never had such a craving

It’s making me insane

[l0st-h0p3]

I just know things

But do I know this?

Every couple of days

Thinking you’re just gonna call it quits

It’s a perfect fit

A dark comedy really

One that hits you heavy

But one that begins to go steady

Until one day the main characters ready

To let it all go

To let the truth be told

Knowing that one day this would all unfold

[l0st-h0p3]

I’ll sit in my room

Vape and get real high

Picture your hand running up my bare thigh

As I exhale I am introduced to the thought that I am in fact my own woman

What has sprung this new devotion this fix

I’m so transfixed

Actions and words coming out of my pretty little mouth

Searching and wanting this old intelligence I was forever hid from my whole life

I sense a manly hand

Something I want

To be able to be with a true man

I’m forever trying to fill this hole

This space

This void

I’ve been trying to avoid

But my brain is getting toyed

I go searching for that hand

The one to take me to a better land

The one to save me from all this happenstance

I want the comfort

The warmth

I think I’m fine then every couple of months I get this urge

I want the physical touch

I’m being hit with the overwhelming punch

Maybe the problem is I think too much

But deep down I feel rotten, used and damaged

I try to get by and manage

Left alone and dumbfounded

Not really knowing what to do

Stranded and stagnant

Falling down at my knees from my own defragment