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Fitness. Etiquette. Food.
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Right now, after an argument with my father, I left all in pain.
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I hate summer, it gives me asthma every night and every so often.
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"I'll be fine." I said.
"Are you sure?" She asked.
And at that moment, I don't know what to answer. It's like, if she already knows...
It's like she knows I won't be okay, and that I'll just keep sinking into that deep hole one more time until I get distracted again.
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[TW: Mentions of knife threats and 'unwanted touching' (sorry I don't know what to call it and I don't want to say abuse or something in case it isn't.)]
I remember one night, where I was in another house before I moved. I was washing the dishes at 11 pm, (my parents got home from work at 12 pm) and I was with my sister's now ex-boyfriend (he has a daughter with my sister, he was at my house to take care of her.)
While I was washing the dishes, he was sitting on the sofa. At one point, he got up and approached me from behind, I thought he was going to grab a glass or something, but he wrapped his arms around my waist, hugging me tightly as he spoke into my ear. It scared me so much that my heart raced and I thought of anything. I grabbed a knife and "jokingly" threatened him saying that I was going to stab him or call the police if he didn't get away from me.
He made fun of me but luckily he got away from me and continued to take care of my niece, but I thought and still think about that moment too much.
(Context of this moment: My sister's now ex-boyfriend lived for a while in my house.) There was also, one night, where I was lying on the sofa, watching television while everyone was sleeping. Then, he entered the living room, without even turning on the lights. He came closer to me and lay down next to me, right behind me. I didn't care until he hugged me from behind, sticking to me. Again my heart had begun to beat with fear, and he sadly noticed it. He started teasing me about my racing heart, saying things like “why are you so nervous?” and other similar things, which I did not answer.
The bad thing is that I am someone who doesn't know what to do in moments of danger, I don't even have physical strength and my body is too weak and fragile. I just wanted to cry and vomit from fear, mentally begging him to go away.
He lay next to me for quite a while until he got up and left wishing me good night (obviously I didn't sleep.)
I wanted to and so badly want to tell everyone about this, but I'm scared. I think it's nothing serious or I just don't want to have more problems in this family. I also don't want my niece to be left without a father. Although it scares me when she has to go to his house. I'm afraid he might do something to her if he wants to.
I also don't want to tell anything for fear that they won't believe me and have a bad point about me.
I also have to say that sometimes, at night when he had to come to take care of my niece until my parents came, we would "play." Although I guess I wanted to think it was just a game. Since he hit me ‘weakly’, but left me bruises, since as I mentioned, my body is weak and fragile.
He also made movements like grabbing my neck, pretending to choke me, or tearing my neck with his nail without causing a burning sensation on my skin.
When he did those last two things, I was so afraid that I even begging to stop doing that with nervous laughter, but he didn’t stop.
He just didn't stop.
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(TW: Mentions of suicide and self-harm)
I want to stay alive, but I don't want to keep living like this. Suicide is sometimes a solution for me, sometimes it crossed my mind, but luckily I haven't done anything to myself yet.
Although sometimes I did hit my head on something metal or scratch my belly.
But I never touched anything sharp... I hope I still don't touch anything sharp.
Please, let me live in peace... I have not yet begun the adult stage and I already want to die.
Please.
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Meh, at least it's not like my old discouragements. My old moments where I got discouraged were pretty hard, it was like falling deeper into the deep hole that I already am.
Freezing under the covers of my bed in winter, feeling like before my birthday came I was going to die. I couldn't even get up to eat, and my family scolded me telling me that I was just pretending.
Sometimes I hate being in a religious family. And now I am quite afraid, since I was born a woman but I feel like and I want to be a boy, but the deep fear that my relatives will do something to me when they find out about it, makes me want to vomit. I don't want to feel like this. I just want to feel like the gender I was assigned at birth, why couldn't I just feel like that?
I don't like that every time I dress 'like a man' or don't shave, my sisters come over and say I look like a lesbian. Why do they have to say that? Just why?
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Tonight, I'm starting to get discouraged again.
I'm pretty lonely. I mean, I don't push myself to make more friends either, but it's pretty hard to do when I have social anxiety. It's sad to remember that all my friendships vanished (according to them) because of me and now only have one friendship.
I appreciate my only friend very much, and I hope she stays with me just like I do with her. I just want to be with her forever if possible, and she confirmed that she also wants to be with me forever. She's the first person who never hurt me…
I just want to have more friends, but I'm afraid of being hurt or accidentally hurting them.
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