kriscantdoshit-blog

[kriscantdoshit-blog]

every wednesday near the end of the month

but i missed it today

it happens EVERY wednesday at the end of the month

if this is real, am i going to have to do it alone? i’m having a crisis. 

did i lie to my mom and tell her i was responsible and smart? yes. 

i can’t handle this anymore. i need to talk to you. 

03/29/2018. 12:11am.

[kriscantdoshit-blog]

consult others before making big decisions

- from a panda express fortune cookie 

i always think fortune cookies are silly. like they’re always just some dumb, irrelevant quote, not even predicting something in the future or whatever. but for some reason, this hit me right home. 

i’ve been going through something weird.

i love him, i do. but i feel the change in him. i know that i have loved him through everything, unconditionally. even as he changed, i loved him. when he shed some of the qualities i had so much respect for, and so much adoration for, i still loved him, because he was him. and i do still love him despite the changes both he and i have encountered. and i will love him tomorrow, and i will love him the day after that, and for the rest of my life. there is no doubt in my mind that he is the absolute love of my life. 

but it’s all different now. and i respect what he does, or wants to do, or how he wants to spend his time. but it is something that i can’t get with. something that i can’t find comfort in. and i do not want to sit here and stress about him all night, i don’t want to argue with him for doing what he WANTS to do. because he needs to live his life. he is young, so am i, but i think we have grown to have different interests. and that’s fine. 

the problem is that i can’t even talk about this with him. not yet at least. and the next time i do see him is supposed to be this big, ecstatic reunion because we haven’t seen each other in a while. but i dread it. what if he agrees with my decision? what if he feels the same as i do? what if i am just in the way? 

i tried to follow my fortune cookie’s advice, but i don’t know who to reach out to anymore. i just want to talk to him. i am happy he is having fun, but i am crying alone in the dark and feeling like i’m the only body on this street. my heart has been racing since yesterday. i just want everything to stop, right now. 

will everything manage to be alright? i do not want to give false hope to myself. i think i’ve grown and matured to realize i should not be living in fantasies. it is heartbreaking, but it is also growth, and i am proud that i am thinking through things rationally. 

i want to cry, but i feel nothing at the same time. 

1:08am. 03/28/2018.

[kriscantdoshit-blog]

so holy fucking shit

spoiler fucking alert i’m a little tipsy, a fucking lightweight as shit 

let me just not edit how i type so i can look back about how fucking mess i am

let me update you on how the fucking shit is going, and by shit i mean life

  so i went through some shit like some good shit 

i moved into my new apartment i and i have been so happy ever since like i’ m having a good tie and i think it is beautiful up in theis bitch. .life is beautiful you know? 

i have been drinking alot though so j shit damn i’m a mess hahah

 iw nn went clubbing last thursday and that was the tits and yesterday was one of my friends 21st bitdhays and we played kings cup and that was so umch fun and i fee l like i am so fun and i have friends now even though they were jerks and yay i’m just really fuckin happy

10/02/2017 11:43 pm

[kriscantdoshit-blog]

nothing is worse

than being alone

nothing is worse than having to figure shit out yourself

nothing is worse than waking up in the morning and washing the dried tears off your face from last night that you barely even had the energy to wipe off because there were just too fucking many 

nothing is worse than acting like nothing even happened while everyone was asleep and you were laying down alone thinking about how karma never goes around or maybe karma is real and you haven’t done anything deserving in your life

nothing is worse than putting your pride aside and finally asking the person that reminds you “if you need anything, i’m always here to listen” if they can talk with you about how you’re feeling but they don’t even respond 

nothing is worse than smiling forcefully around everyone because they think nothing is fucking wrong but really everything is wrong and everything feels tight and i feel like i am in a fucking box i feel so enclosed i feel like i’m suffocating i feel awful i feel sick i feel nothing and i feel everything and i deserve to be happy and i don’t deserve to be happy and i’m indecisive and i’m a fucking piece of shit and i ruin everything and i’m never satisfied and i’m so problematic but i feel like i deserve the world and i have so much love to give but i am so hesitant with it sometimes and i am fucking tired and i want to sleep but i cannot sleep with bad thoughts 

i am fucking tired

07/05/2017. 3:16am. 

[kriscantdoshit-blog]

a dream i had

i had the strangest dream last night.

in my dream, i was walking down the street near p. crest- you know, that road where you turn right to get to church. and there were some protestors, which i was against my beliefs, so i got kind of heated but then a crowd of people shooed him away. then there was a girl, with long hair and glasses. she was asian. she looked like my molecular biology T.A., to be honest. she was saying some shit that made sense to me, but i don’t remember what it is. anyway she gathered up a large group of people and we began to follow her, but then she pulled out a gun and told us if we don’t listen, it’s over for us. we were then her hostages. she brought us everywhere around campus- yes, we were teleported there for some reason. i remember not being able to eat at brandywine- which had a nice renovation. then i was following my hostager (is that a word?) and all of a sudden, bern opens this door and asks if everythings okay. as the hostager turned around, i mouthed “help me” and she brought me in and shut the door. i fell asleep on an air mattress, and i woke up. i don’t know what this dream means. it was just interesting. 

06/20/2017. 4:06pm. 

[kriscantdoshit-blog]

god FUCKIN dammit

honestly i feel like i go to this extreme when my period is coming but fuck it, i am literally so pressed right now it’s insane 

WHY! THE! FUCK! DON’T! YOU! NOTICE! ME! 

and this isn’t some fucking high school, angsty teen crush kinda shit. it’s like a “we’ve been married for a while and you’ve grown bored of me” kinda shit. like honestly what the fuck, we have discussed this MULTIPLE times and yet you NEVER FUCKING CHANGE IT or at the very least, you fucking change it for a week then go back to your old shit

i know it’s been busy for the both of us but if you want something MAKE TIME FOR IT because you know i always fucking do

all you do is fucking SLEEP all we do is fucking SLEEP together LITERALLY sleep together. that’s the only damn intimate time we have.

i bust my fuckin shit to impress you and you don’t notice shit. do you realize that you have an incredible, down ass bitch in front of you and you don’t even take the time to... UGHGGHHH 

i’ve loved your snoring and it actually helps me sleep but right now it’s pissing me off and to be honest i’d rather be up arguing like hell with you because i am so done and i have so much on my mind and if i don’t let it go then i will fucking. lose. my. shit.

fuck you.

oh wait, you don’t have the FUCKING time. 

1:05am. 05/24/2017. 

I  am fuckin PISSED my dude. PISSED 

[kriscantdoshit-blog]

fuck me dude

idk why i have such a temper but uGH i’m so mad i fucking hate being ignored and i hate not getting attention and i hate being a little whiny baby but also...???? fuck him for being hella fucking inconsiderate all the time??? shit dude and fuck my fake ass friends and fuck this i’m so fucking tired fuck it all 

05/12/2017. 10:46pm. 

[kriscantdoshit-blog]

a fat ass rant

ok here goes

this week is absolutely fucking shitty and it gets progressively shittier by the day 

to start it off, practices for cultural night are over and fucking ugh that was the only break i had from schoolwork and now i have nothing left, so i won’t catch a break, and like i miss it, i miss actually interacting with people and being FORCED to interact with people because honestly i get so anxious otherwise but then i end up lonely and it’s just one fat ass vicious cycle that’s not fucking cool at all

second off i was so so so busy and forgetful i didn’t take my birth control pills three times and my dumb self thought nothing of it, until i STARTED BLEEDING YUP YOU GUESSED IT i got two fucking periods this month and i have no idea when it is going to stop. and i have been soooo sexually frustrated i’m fucking annoyed and i feel like i never impress or look sexy to him anymore and i’m just like UGH i am starting to have self esteem issues AGAIN and that’s not cool 

then there was a complete SWITCH UP on my living situation that has been resolved but either way, holy moly like it almost ruined our friendship and brought out the worst of us, i cried three times yesterday like i literally fucking sobbed and i felt like i was a burden to my whole family and i started regretting i was born and FUCK lmao i’m exhausted 

next, spring retreat is this saturday and i can’t go yet again because i can’t afford it but he wants to go and i am so tired of his hypocrisy saying he doesn’t like drinking but actually is uncontrollable and i hate how he is always more well liked, i hate how he doesn’t even care for certain things yet he does better in it, if that makes sense, he talks about how unenthusiastic he is about things but he ends up being better and more well liked and i feel so out of the loop; plus he hates when i drink and complains when he has to take care of me but literally that’s what a fucking boyfriend does?? i wouldn’t have minded if i took care of him but since there’s this whole double standard i can’t even have fun but he can have so much fun and i feel like he doesn’t even like spending time with me half the time, no matter how much he reassures me, i feel like i am a burden and i just regret myself soooo much 

then like we have this nice notebook where we write down all our feelings and HE NEVER WROTE IN IT. NOT A SINGLE TIME. and it hurts my feelings because i pour my heart out into these stupid pages and i guess it’s wrong to expect anything in return but literally my love feels unrequited and i just want to hear verbally how he feels about me 

i am contradicting myself because i know he does care like he bought me flowers and candy this week but UGH i don’t know i always need reassurance and i feel like i’m fucking crazy and unappreciative and i hate myself 

05/03/2017. 8:33pm. 

[kriscantdoshit-blog]

is there a such thing as loving somebody too much?

Because I think I do. Because I keep messing up because all my attention is on them. My body is my home. I let him into my home not realizing what I've done. I expected roses on the coffee table but instead a kitchen full of uncleaned dishes and a messed up couch.

[kriscantdoshit-blog]

missing out

i miss out on so much because i can’t afford anything 

i’m fuckin sad because like, shit, i want to go out with my friends but it always involves going out to eat, concerts, etc. i’m so fucking poor. 

not poor, but rather, i have an insufficient amount of funds i can use, and it’s only for essentials. i guess i am having a first world problem because i know my family is well off and i am here, at university, studying and have an apartment. but like... ugh. i know how to budget but i wish i could treat myself once in a while.

i miss out on damn near everything. i am so upset ugh. 

1:50 pm. 02/19/2017. 

i miss out on everything.

[kriscantdoshit-blog]

how can you miss someone you don’t even know?

i miss my brother and i miss my niece. 

i don’t know if my brother was actually my brother and i don’t know if my niece was actually my niece... they could have been my sister and my nephew, but i’d like to think of them as my big brother and my little niece.

words cannot describe what’s going through my head right now. when i got the phone call i was already worried sick. my heart is aching. i loved my little niece. i really couldn’t wait. how can you miss someone that you don’t even know? 

i hope i will get to meet her someday. i know she was perfect. 

i love you little baby. 

01/25/2017. 2:57pm. 

you were so loved and you always will be loved. 

[kriscantdoshit-blog]

holy shit

I can’t believe how crazy and hectic last Friday was. Shit went doooown lmao

It started off as a normal ass Friday except for the fact that America was just starting to fall apart and the sky was bawling and my umbrella couldn’t save me from the rain

I joined my first protest and somehow wound up in the front with Rina and led it for a hot second

I got home, showered, ate, and stared at my body for a while imagining what it'd look like no longer bare.

Then I was fucking on my way to get a FUCKING TATTOO My artist already had some shit sketched out and I shit you not I fell in love so quick and I was ready af... ok just kidding I was scared of the pain scared of the price but honestly he put the stencil on, I breathed in, he put the needle in and it was not even bad. I had wonderful moral support I was even called gangster and wild af by the other tattoo artist so that made me feel pretty cool no lie I went to my first fucking party at R***** lmao bitch There were meatballs I took four fuckin shots and my man got drunk and me and N*** had to take care of everyone Literally the wildest Friday and I'm CRYIN because I want to have it back. I feel genuinely happy with life now besides the fact that biochem is kicking my ass but let's forget about that and focus on the fact that IM HAPPY. Mark even took me out on a small ramen date just because he felt like it. I am so;..., UGH! So happy. 

 01/25/2017. 2:35am 

 I think I found the friends I want to be with for the rest of my life.

[kriscantdoshit-blog]

You've got to be fucking joking

Why do you make me hate the holidays? We plan all this shit for nothing. All I want is to go out on a FUCKING DATE, a day dedicated to just you and me. Why is your job so important? Can't you take the day off? What the fuck is wrong with you. You know how important this season is to me and last year already was fucked up. I cried all last season and this is the chance to make it up to me and there's nothing different. Fuck me dude. I can't stand this season anymore. 12/22/2016. 2:24am.

[kriscantdoshit-blog]

Tbh (NSFW)

How come I can never express my feelings? This is what leaves me hurt all the fucking time. I never get myself pleased or what I deserve. I just want an unconditional love and shit. Someone who’ll eat my pussy and make me cum multiple times in a row. I’d do that for the one I love. What the fuck? I just keep rambling on but I am genuinely upset, like why does amazing sex stop this way, is it selfish of me or selfish of him? I love him but damn what the fuck I just want my pussy eaten is that so much to ask. Fuck.

12/07/2016. 7:16am. 

We had amazing sex and I didn’t cum. Haha. Guess I’ll do it myself. 

[kriscantdoshit-blog]

Happiness?

I find it hard to believe that people are truly and genuinely happy. I can't process that in my mind, like holy shit people actually wake up happy they're alive and wanna wake up the next day each morning and go through their days with a smile on their face and be happy? Is that a thing? Because that is so out of reach for me. I feel like I will never experience that feeling. I will always be a disappointment. No hope in that. So fuck my life. I can't believe how badly I want to die. I feel bad for saying that because I am privileged, and I understand that, but God do I feel awful. I feel so ungrateful but yet I am so so grateful but then again I just want to die. I feel so lonely. I can't even put it in words. There is nothing left for me. 08/15/2016. 1:47pm.

[kriscantdoshit-blog]

I hate me

Honest to God why am I like this???? Please tell me why I'm so sad and I can never speak up to say that I fucking need help. I FUCKING NEED HELP AND I WONT ALLOW ANYONE TO HELP ME FUCK I AM THE WORST 08/04/2016. 1:33am.

[kriscantdoshit-blog]

When the fuck do I stop feeling so shitty?

I fucking hate myself for pushing people away and I also fucking hate myself for hating myself and making myself believe everyone hates me (which I genuinely think is the case) I think I am fucking crazy honestly I am so mood swingy and I cry over petty things holy shit I just want to get the hell away from my problems. Tbh can I just abort myself even if I left the womb? Shit I am such a god awful person I deserve no one 08/04/2016. 1:24am.