knothanksfeelings

[knothanksfeelings]

Dear K

How are you? Hope you're doing well! you would have said haha aru why are you typing like a boomer anyway.

I dont know what to write here but since it's essential and it was on my list, so here i am.

I think i've moved on from all the negative things i felt when our relationship was rocky. I had a very hard time because things were already bad, and you made it even harder by not letting me go easily.

I know your intentions werent wrong and all you ever wanted was to be with me and so did i, but i had to be practical and had to deal with the reality. Going to US wasnt my future, i wanted to experience so much before i set my foot into a foreign land where everything is different while i was dealing with another change myself.

I also feel we grew apart and became very different people but our love and respect for each other stayed the same. you had a year to work in india, to experince the and understand the corporate life which helped you take the next necessary steps and pushed you to make better decisions in life. But when it was my turn to do that, you didnt let me.

I thought i did a great job by controlling my feelings and looking out for myself knowing you were going to leave but i later realised, i didnt. I just did that infront of you because one of us had to.

I was so lost when you left, on top of that graduating from college and getting into the real world killed me. I spent most of my time rotting in bed or going out drinking. I went on multiple dates but nothing worked out with anyone except for one person.

When i was seeing him i realised i kept looking for you in him, and later i realised i was looking for you in everyone.

i was in denial for the longest time that i was okay, i kept telling myself i could have been so much worse when you were gone but the truth is, this was the worst state ive ever been in.

I wasnt in touch with the person I am, specially my feelings. I made mistakes, did things which i am not proud of and that person wasn't me at all. Only to lie to myself and to dodge a soul crushing heart break. This is the worst thing i've done in my life tbh- avoiding myself and my feelings.

I dont have feelings for you, but i do have a lot of respect and love for you, you will always have a space in my heart. Because of you the bar is so high haha.

You were one of the best things that happened to me and i will always be thankful for the person you are and will cherish our friendship forever.

I'm really sorry for everything, i wish it wasnt this way but i think this is for the best. everything happens for a reason and i hope in future we could be friends again.

[knothanksfeelings]

Tf is happening.

NOT AGAIN. 

so i met a guy, surprise surprise amirite 

We matched on hinge but knew each other by names, in his case i knew him by his cat lmao, anyway, fast forward- We started talking but i didn’t really expect anything for obvious reasons, also i don’t really do any mutual friends, it is a lot of risk and drama which i like to stay away from unless it’s about someone else hehe. 

Anyway, he asked me to come to his party after Posty’s concert. I was really tired and because of the circumstances i agreed. I was shit dead but i made it somehow. I was very anxious because i knew no one and i didn’t know him well either, but it’s me and my impulses idgaf decisions against the world. 

Anyway, i went, i had a great time with him and his friends, they were all nice and friendly thankfully. i was just dying coz migraine fml so i just smoked up and didnt drink. I spent most of my time with R just chilling and talking, and enjoyed. The next day i woke up a lil late and i had to go home but before i could leave, R asked me if i could cuddle w him. Normally i would hate it (Idk how did i do this before i dated Krish w random people smh) but idk for some reason i was comfortable enough and i really enjoyed it, and then i left. 

After 3-4 days, he started to act a bit off. He hardly talked to me for 2 days and deactivated his Instagram. I knew something was up, i just didn’t know I WAS THE REASON BEHIND IT. So basically, he liked me and it was fucking him up and i ofc decided to give it a shot. 

[knothanksfeelings]

Hell naw.

wow It’s been so long. Lol, im glad i could document some of my life incidences here or at least tried to.

Anyway, fuck that. I’m so fucked in the head.

Long story short, Krish and I broke up. Its been 6 months or so. i feel weird you know? Sort of guilty because 

1. It takes me SO MUCH time to move on. Maybe it did because ive known he’s gonna go since 2021 Nov. So yeah it’s been more than a year and i had to enough time to prepare myself, also i we were having problems and our relationship was pretty much dead so i guess it makes sense. 

2. I did cry alot, felt low and everything else. Maybe i have changed? i think im comparing myself when i was in 10th grade or in my gap year. But i guess, during that time i didnt want to move on, i didnt keep myself first. All i thought about that i love them, i missed them, i never thought about what’s right for me and this time i did. 

Dec 2022 was a crazy month for me. Being single is so hard, yes but nobody talks about the amount of attention you get from different men which makes things so hard. I really couldn’t keep up, it fried my brain fr.

I tried to go on dates, mostly it was a one time thing. Then i tried getting physical with this guy who i went out with thrice but LMAO i couldn’t. I literally said no to him for kissing me, holding my hand, cuddling and everything you could think then i went to sleep. 

Then i finally went out with this guy who i already knew and who was cute AND i knew i would be comfortable with him physically, and it happened damn i had a G time hehe then he left to Germany. Then i met more guys here and there then i went to this house party and slept with this guy WHO WAS SO HORRIBLE ARGH YUCK YUCK JUST BY THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES ME VOMIT AND SO PISSED. ill come back to that later jesus.

Fast forward: in the next post. 

[knothanksfeelings]

Temporary.

I know that sounds cliched but I learnt how everything is temporary.

People are temporary. It's really fascinating how people come and go. The face which you see everyday, the presence you're used to, the love that you give and receive can disappear any minute. I thought harshita, sonakshi and ila would be my best friends forever. I thought Yuvraj will always be a big part of me and we have a connection which cannot ever go. I thought Piyush was the love of my life, Ansh would somehow change and we could be more than friends w benefits, we could have deep talks and get to know each other but no. He's gone and so are the other people.

I'm mourning and crying over people who I left my pieces with. I feel empty. I am always empty

[knothanksfeelings]

uneasy.

which ive been feeling for a very long time. nothing feels good. 

why am i missing ansh i dont know. he clearly means nothing to me and hes a shit person. i guess its because hes my type and i was kind of hopeful?? and now im dissapointed and hes gone. i wont be able to hold his hand, insult him, make out with him, cuddle w him, play spot the plane game. 

i hate this. 

i hate how i couldnt prove myself and couldnt be myself with him. and im afraid ill have this problem in future too. i hate how im not being able to bring myself out w people. i dont want to become like the people in my college. thats my fear for now. the fact that i dont have a life in college just sucks even more, i dont know where to begin. i only like the campus and nothing else.

yes, i think the main problem is that im unable to express myself. i cant express myself or how im feeling. its like im dead. i thought college would help me out with it. i wish i had a counsellor, they are so expensive ugghhhh. 

i miss something/someone, i dont even know. 

[knothanksfeelings]

Constant feeling.

I HATE when I'm not myself. I wassnt myself w Ansh sand Piyush too actually.

When I met ansh for the 3rd time, I was tired but not THAT tired that I won't speak anything. I wasn't talking, I was hardly talking but at the same time he wasn't saying anything nor was he asking me anything so it's not entirely my fault right. I can't be the one talking all the time. I HATE feeling like this.

He means nothing to me and I knew it was a short term thing since he would go to US and I'll go away for college. But I guess I'm upset because he hurt me and I know I'll feel this way again. I gave him a chance since I didn't want to repeat my mistakes. And also I'm not boring, I'm fun, I guess I didn't get a chance to prove it.

Ugh I'm just over thinking so much. I am also bummed about how I did not get drunk, I was in a weird state...VERY weird. I didn't give my best in bed w him either but it's okay, I guess. I'm very scared that I have a problem. Idk. I was angry all the time and I wasn't talking, like this isn't me. I wasn't angry at him or something. I'm nor Malloy very cheerful, loud and energetic but idk what's happening to me.

I just want to tell myself that it's okay. It's okay that I didn't give my best and it's okay to feel this way I mean we can't always be ourselves or feel the best. But I hope I won't be like this in future, when I meet people in college. I want to be my best.

[knothanksfeelings]

Ugh.

I'm feeling bad because I'm never a bitch ever. I'm feeling bad because I didn't want to end things on a bad note even tho I was gonna block him on Instagram eventually. I'm feeling bad because he will hate me and think I'm just like nimisha and malvika. At the same time I wanted to say those stuff to him, not in that tone but still wanted to. I'm happy that things have ended even though I didn't get a proper closure but at least I got one. I know it was a bit immature of me and it was unnecessary, I cannot feel any more bad. I hate myself for this, I wish I never existed. I wish he was honest about his feelings, I just want to know if he ever liked me but I'll never know.

[knothanksfeelings]

Reasons to not be with you.

1. You hook up with a lot of girls and talked about considering few girls to me

2. You treated me like one of your hoes when we hooked up

3. You're still into your ex

4. You disrespected my body

5. You live so far so I won't be able to see you everyday or every week.

6. You posted a pic of you kissing a girl as your story. I don't think you even thought about me.

7. You kept my ear ring with you and I realised it's a 'suviniers' from the girls you hook up with.

8. You never liked me anyway.

9. Even after when I told you about how I felt about you, you kept getting scenes from our hookup back.

[knothanksfeelings]

Things I know about you.

You're 19 at the moment. You're from Indore. You have 2 dogs, parents and an elder brother. Your favourite colours are red and black. You've had one of the best adventures during your road trips and trips taken for football matches. Football was your passion and whatever those people did to you hurt you a lot. You love Damien rice and wanna see him live. You love travelling. You drink raw milk before sleeping. You care about your body and confidence lot. Your football shoes are too damn precious for you. You love arguing for no reason and play the guitar when you're upset, you love singing. You told a girl that you love her more than your family. If money wasn't an issue, you would've taken acting as your career. You love experiencing new things and love meeting new people. You think a lot and that's why love conversing with people. You over think too. You feel too much but since you're broken you're numb. You don't let people help you and you punish yourself for no reason. You love dancing and partying. You love pampering people and giving them love. You're funny. You love tea and chicken a lot. I know your 3 close friends. You love cuddling a lot. You're a really good cook. You're a really good writer. You dress good. You're a genuine person. You don't drink nor smoke but you have knowledge about alcohol. Your perfect date is when you earn, you're gonna take her to a fancy dinner, get her to your place and make love while the fire place is lit. Your fav movie is before sunrise series. You support Barcelona. You aren't into fandoms. Do I wanna know is your song. Your birthdays on 29th July and your jersey number was 69. You made your eyebrows. You went to the 2nd base with a guy and that's your biggest regret. You're very close to your mom and share things with her. You're sometimes very insensitive. You make your voice very hush deep to make the first move.

[knothanksfeelings]

10 days.

It's been exactly 10 days since I've cut you off. I try to do everything to forget you. I keep myself busy, even read comics/novels Before sleeping so I wouldn't dream about you.

I don't know how are you. I don't know where you are. Sometimes I feel like sending the letter. I have so much anger inside me, why would you do this? Why did I do that?

The irony is how you asked me if I ever was in love, I denied and you asked me if I have any idea about it. Yes, I do have an idea about it now. Love is laughing my ass off with you. Love is feeling alive and growing together. Love is you naming my boobs. Love is stealing your fries while you watch me without complaining. Love is travelling so far for each other. Love is talking about everything with each other, being vulnerable. Love is being there for each other and pushing each other to do best in life. Love is letting me sleep in your hand. Love is being with you.

How can I be so blind? How can I not see that I was in love with you? I remember how much I cried when I realised this because I knew you didn't feel the same. I knew you were still hung up on your ex and I knew you were seeing other girls.

I did what I had to. I did it for myself. It was the right thing to do, I know. I'm sorry for everything, I really am. I love you.

[knothanksfeelings]

Things I miss about you/memories/ what I appreciate about you.

1. All the late night calls and never ending talks on snapchat and Instagram, literally everywhere.

2. Us tagging each other in memes and whatever we found fascinating

3. Being with you.

4. Your smile. The way it used to form. Took my breath away.

5. Your hugs.

6. Exchanging songs

7. How I laughed my ass off when I met you for the first time. I liked being myself in front of you. How we were just talking and being silly.

8. How I always stole your fries.

9. Talking to you about anything. My likes, dislikes, my past, insecurities. Everything.

10. Kissing you and holding your hand.

11. When you teased me and would let me kiss you so I didn’t let you touch me.

12. When you asked me if I am happy and I kissed you. You hugged me tight and rubbed the back of my head while you were moving your fingers down my spine.

13. Your company.

14. Playing with your hair and seeing you sleep.

15. How you stole my ear ring

16. You named my boobs and my pencil box.

17. How you always like arguing even for very small things

18. you always travelled from so far for me.

19. How I bit your lips and it started bleeding

20. How you held my hand the second time we met

21. When we cuddled and watched batman while you asked stupid questions regarding Joker.

22. Your jokes and stories

23. Your voice

24. I gave you Damien Rice’s portrait and you gifted me a book.

25. we went to the art exhibition WHICH YOU DIDNT LIKE

26. When we ate a lot and chilled in marinade drive, petting all the dogs we could see

27. We were supposed to watch Annabelle and IT

28. How we twinned by watching the same type of T which is embarrassing lol

29. How you cried in front of me

30. The way you looked at me

31. You always wanted to know me. Always asking me questions. Always wanting to help me.

32. Always supporting me and my art.

33. How you tried to take my Mac and cheese and the first time you saw me being genuinely happy. Little did you know, I was always happy with you.

34. MAGIC NOSE

35. How you bit my nose

36. How we fell asleep with our legs tangled.

37. Your confidence and how you’re always so energetic and try to keep others happy. Maybe not yourself, but others for sure.

38. How you made me feel alive after one and a half year.

39. Your body.

40. Your love for dogs.

41. Your passion for learning and experiencing new things.

42. How much you hated whenever I was shit sleepy

43. How you always hugged me for a long time before I went home.

44. How I teased you when you made your eyebrow lmao

45. “NO”

46. Our fail plan of biriyani and Oreo milk shake

47. You asking if I am happy when we hooked up.

48. Always texting, calling and snapchatting me

49. You tagging me on things which you knew I loved or will love, even memes

50. Sexting. Specially THAT night. Damn, I'll never forget!

51. When you pinned me down and kissed me passionately.

52. All the times when you used to put your arm around while walking and gave me head rubs.

53. cocodile lmao

54. When you tried so hard for me to get tickets for Ed Sheeran

55. How we twinned and it was so embarrassing lmaooo

56. When you were obsessed with Bolna Aunty Aaun kya and rapped the whole thing

57. The mess we created after we hooked up. Damn those hickeys went after 10 days dude.

58. When I slept in your hand

59. When you post 4 vids on Snapchat on my bday: me walking, me kicking you, magic nose and telling about Baab.

60. When I was beating you because you wouldn't let me go.

[knothanksfeelings]

I think I don’t have feelings. Im at the stage where I don’t care anymore. I’m not talking to one of my best friends and it doesn’t effect me. Not at all. Not even one bit.

It would effect me if the other 3 people who are very close to me would go away.

I don’t want people to know me. I want to be a mystery. I hardly talk about myself because people are selfish. Why would they want to know me since they aren’t going to stay anyway? They would leave once they get what they want.

I’m actually not sad that I’ve become like this. In fact I’m fine you know? I’m just a bit upset because I don’t have a life and how lonely I am in Mumbai but at the same time I love being in my own company.

This is a bit weird but I swear I am fine.

At the end, we all will die and nothing will ever matter.

[knothanksfeelings]

Friends?

It does bother me when you bring up other girls up and I was insanely upset when you told me you came to my side and went on a long drive with some other tinder girl. I don’t know, I was expecting something from you, argh maybe that we have something, some spark.

I miss you so much and I know things will go out of hand if we hookup again and I really want that but not fucked up feelings. I wish I never had feelings for you so this would’ve been very easy for me. I don’t want to lose you and I don’t even know what’s going on with you and how you feel about me, I have no clue. I wish i had tho.

How can you not feel the same for me? I can’t believe that, seriously.

I need some time for myself maybe then we can be friends? Sigh.

[knothanksfeelings]

Do you ever miss a person so bad that you can’t concentrate on any work and you just think about that person every minute of your life. You stare at your phone hoping that person would call just like old times and re read the old conversations. You make so many efforts but it’s so clear the other person is uninterested and doesn’t want you in his/her life. You miss those times when both of you used to tell each other every detail of your day, laugh at stupid things and talked about the world, sadness, heartbreaks, happiness, favourite memories and what not. You just listen to sad songs in the night and wonder “where did I go wrong? Was I ever enough?”. Sometimes you cry because everyone leaves you and you hate attachments. There’s nothing you can do about it. All you do is try to go to sleep because that’s the only way you won’t hate yourself.