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it's funny how the people we love the most are the ones who also hurt us the most.

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hindi mo kailangang maging masama sa sarili mo para maging mabuti sa iba :)

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On being too hard on one’s self

I’m one of those people who romanticizes the grind, the struggle, and the overworked version of myself. I have placed a high value on my productivity that I value my worth based on the amount of things that I am able to accomplish. For so many years, I have always believed that if I work more, if I exert more effort, if I just push a little harder, everything will work out for more. But come the college days, hard work is simply not enough. 

I have written notes and memorized concepts and digested theories day and night. I have read countless of pages that it will amount to more than the hours of sleep that I have incurred for the past year. When I am tired and extremely overworked, the angry voice, like a mad captain of a ship will scream at me, saying that I need to try a little harder, to do better, to do more, study more. Countless of mores later, here I am unmotivated and no longer have the desire to move forward. I’ve lost all sense of urgency that I am becoming indifferent to the things that I need to do. Pass and forget. Answer then sleep. Just tick it off the to do list and let the universe do its magic. I simply cannot anymore. I can’t keep on pushing myself to do more. I can’t take even a single step forward. I’m just too tired to do it anymore. And that, my friends, is the reason why we should never place too much glory on the grind.

The grind that never stops will eventually stop because it will consume you. Like a slow fire that will soon erupt into enormous flames that will burn everything in you, everything that you have. It will wreak an irreversible havoc that will take a long time to rebuild again. 

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On making peace with one’s self

For years, I’ve always focused and thought about how I can make peace with the people that hurt me, how to cope with the events that scarred me for life, and how can I move forward while trying to lessen the weight of these baggage. It was always about me and other people, me with the external environment that kept on pressuring me to move along, that I did not notice how the chain on my neck that kept on strangling me was placed by my own hands. I wasn’t aware that it is not the past events nor people but my own self that has been keeping me deadlocked into the same place for years.

It was me who built the bricks of towering wall that shut people away, only their distant voices reaching my solace. It was me who burned the bridges while running away when everything became too much. The problem is, the reason why it became my automatic response, was because I was raised to be like that. It was as if I was programmed to press the self-destruct button when the storm comes, or to be on lock down mode when people try to enter my personal space to help me out. The events that occurred for the past eight years has placed me in a constant defensive mode that I responded to everything defensively. Basically, I rejected every action of kindness shown to me and reacted as if it was a means to hurting me. Well, I’ll blame the trauma for that.

But what woke me up from this never-ending nightmare is the constant kindness and love shown to me. I was not used to be on the receiving end and has settled to be the giver for so many years that I did not know how to handle the genuine affection being handed to me. At first, I pushed people away. My mind created vile scenarios in my head to which the ending is always bad and hurtful and sad. And so, I continuously isolated myself, basically placing myself in a mental cage and never letting people in. And yet, years later, people are still here, knocking softly on my mental doors, consistently, lovingly, unceasingly. And I took a peek and I saw hope and love and peace. Despite this glimmer of hope, I realized that something is still holding me back. Someone is still holding me back. And it was my younger self; my younger self to whom my mental cages constantly revolved, to whom every pain and hurt was inflicted. It was me all along who was shutting the door. It was me all alone in that darkness. My abuser was not there. My bullies were not there. My old friends were not there. It was all just versions of me over the years. And so I made my amends.

It is hard to admit that it was you who was punishing yourself all along. It is painful to digest the idea that my own mind has put me into my own demise from which I have suffered so much for so long. And it is ever harder to forgive yourself before you can forgive others. Forgiving myself never came across my mind, not until today. I was so focused on directing my anger towards the villains that I did not notice that a part of that anger is being directed to me, that I am being consumed by my own wrath. It is probably the reason why I hated my reflection so much. Because in the mirror, I see the broken and weak version that I cannot forgive. I’ve always looked at my issues as an external problem, that I neglected the internal aspect that I have to deal with.

But now, I am reminded. I must forgive myself, heal myself, and love myself before I can give any of those away. I need to face myself before I can face those who hurt me. And this time, I can no longer run away. It is me that I must deal with. It is me that I must love above all. And it is me that I must forgive. I have to make peace with my own self. And so, I started doing things to understand me, to find me in the midst of all that is happening in my mind. I went back to the things that I used to love, I used to have so much interest on, so much passion. I came back to my roots and I am slowly reviving them.

The hardest part is to admit and to concede, to say that all this anger, hatred, and pain must stop here. It is extremely difficult to take that first step away from the darkness that has sheltered you for so many years. But one must step away in order to grow, to regain happiness, to be capable of loving and being kind again. One can not always live in the in between, in the midst of pain and being okay, in the midst of happiness and sadness, in the midst of the past and the present. There can only be one version of us that should take charge of our lives. And that version is meant to be the thriving, happy, and at peace one.

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Healing is Hellish

Movies have always pictured the healing process as a slow, tranquil, calm, and grounded process. This is the time when the lovely soundtrack blasts, the pictures of the main character's growth flashing with a warm color tone, full of hope and light. But in reality, it isn't like that.

Healing is not peaceful.

Healing is not calm.

Healing is hell.

When you are going through the process, it will require you to go back from the start, to revisit the wounds you never tended to that formed a nasty scar over time, painfully opening when triggered.  It will require you to revisit the darkest moments, the times that you never wanted to remember. Healing will require you to go back from the beginning and to have the courage to fight the demons that linger.

It is nasty and messy and painful and dark. The process is excruciating as if every broken bone is being twisted back into place, every wound being pierced again, every painful memory being relived again. It takes a great amount of courage and hope and love to carry on and move forward. Healing is an internal battle that we must all win, a win for our future and past self. A win against all the trauma, the abuse, the pain, the sufferings. A mighty win on the long-overdue battle. Just like a bloody war, you will lose but you will gain as well. Remember that healing is about you, not about anyone else. It is up to you and for you. Heal at your own pace. Heal whenever you are ready. Time does not heal all wounds, it only covers up the pain, it only hides a great deal of darkness but it never goes away. It is only when we learn to pick up our ashes to rebuild our form that was consumed by the fiery fire can we say that we are finally ready to move forward. Until then, cry for the broken pieces, mourn for the lost hope, scream at the top of your lungs for the cursing. But when the rage is over, fight through hell for a tomorrow that is freer and better.

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I want to fall in love again.

Love, the word that everybody’s after. Everybody’s chasing after love, feeling like they’re always running out of time and that it will slip from their hands. But I won’t chase. I prefer the slow burn.

I want to slowly, gently, quietly fall in love again.

To fall in love with life.

To fall in love with my self.

To learn to love everything that I’ve started to hate.

I want to love myself, every broken piece at a time, healing every crack in my own phase.

I want to love life, everything that I’ve started to curse when they broke me into nothing. 

I want to love again, the way that I’ve loved too much back then.

But this time, I won’t be consumed by the raging fire of love, but I want to be consumed by the tranquility and peace of healing and acceptance, of the comforting and stable side of love. 

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i feel so alone

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In these lonely hot summer nights, we have nowhere to hide but under the facade of chills and cools.

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Someday, everything will be worth it, 

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Every moment, I want to disappear. Every second, I want to be gone. Every day, I wanna leave this world.

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And these days, everything starts to get heavier again. I can no longer breathe. I cannot find my peace.

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and once again, I feel like a fool for falling. i feel like a dirty rag tossed aside for something shiny, new, and pretty.

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I hate people

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I'm clean for almost a year now but lately, the urge is getting worse.

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People are the worst. One minute they love you, the next one they already hate you. Today, they care. Tomorrow, they're gone already.

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Why am I writing a new story again???

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And I’m so sick of this life. Everyday, I feel like giving up.