kingjuju17

[kingjuju17]

[kingjuju17]

I don't understand why I have to be this emotional ... I really don't care for it. I'd give up everything just to take it away and only care about myself. Why me?

Can't I just be like everyone else and just move for me.

I wanna do good in life. I wanna make myself happy without having another person being the center of that happiness.. I wanna wake up and go about my days with pride and joy. I would like to look in the mirror and smile big without hesitation the way my young self use to.

I don't know I guess I'm just to hard on myself or maybe I'm not hard enough. Like where did I go wrong and think I would never have to face the consequences of my own actions.

That's life right.

Maybe everyone doesn't always get everything , and that's okay. Really it's not but it's suppose to be.

[kingjuju17]

I don't think I had craved for anything the way I craved for her tonight. My body was as close to hers as close as it could get.... yet I still felt so far away, so distant. Maybe it was my mind playing tricks on me, hell maybe I was just making this all up but it felt so real. So heavy . So adolescent. How could this ever so be ?

[kingjuju17]

I hate to say it but I miss getting high. 🙄

I know , I know

....

There's no reason why I should but I do and it's kinda crazy, well it's kind of pathetic actually.

Maybe I really am an addict.

[kingjuju17]

[kingjuju17]

Id rather stay here in the cold in my car and sleep because at least I was close to her. At least when I have those awful nightmares, . . . at least I'd wake up to being some what near her presence... some what close to my home , to my person.

[kingjuju17]

It's only been a week and I miss her like crazy. I can't believe we are back to square one. Hopefully this is for the best and I find " the love of my life " this December or January...

[kingjuju17]

I'm trying so hard to come back to life , I'm trying really hard. I just..... I can't believe I'm really here. I can't go back. I'll die before I go back...

[kingjuju17]

I can't sleep right. I mean all I did was sleep and think inside and the worst part was in there when I slept it was like small increments and when I'd have nightmares and wake up I was waking up to another real life nightmare ! I'm scared ill never be the same. I'm scared that I'm damaged for life. How do people keep going back to jail ? How do people do years like that ? With no celly , no showers, with awful food. Smh I always said I would never go back. Not for me , not for anyone. How in the fuck did I fuck up and put myself in this situation ? All I can do is pray. All I can do is hope for the best and hope I'll make it out of this. I'm trying to enjoy being home but I can't bounce back. I can't even really be happy because part of me got lost in there.. its going to be okay. It has to be .

[kingjuju17]

All I thought about was you & your sisters

[kingjuju17]

I am home...

I am here but my mind is still there. I literally think I lost my mind inside that cell. Sitting there for 3 days 24/7 looking at the walls , talking to myself, becoming dillusional literally has changed me forever. I dont know if I'm ever going to feel at ease again. I keep having these panic attacks. I'm trying to control them as much as I could when I was there. Eveything is different now. I'm scared, I'm thankful for my parents 🙏 God knows I prayed over and over and over again in that cell. I literally died without dying and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

I'm ashamed of myself. I'm disappointed that I let someone who never really loved me dictate my mind and allow me to feel such shame. I'm sorry for any wrong I've done. I can barely face the topic without knots in my stomach. But this is just how it was supposed to be, we were no longer ment to be and its a shame it took my future for me to see it. I'll continue to pray and ask for forgiveness for any sins I've done. All I have is my family and I've never needed them more then I do now.

#Spotify

[kingjuju17]

[kingjuju17]

Sometimes I forget that I use to belong to you.

[kingjuju17]

“Isn’t it strange that we talk least about the things we think about most?”

— Charles Lindbergh

[kingjuju17]

[kingjuju17]

“What’s the worst thing I’ve stolen? Probably little pieces of other people’s lives. Where I’ve either wasted their time or hurt them in some way. That’s the worst thing you can steal, the time of other people. You just can’t get that back.”

— Unknown

[kingjuju17]

“Time always exposes what you mean to someone.”

— Unknown