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king-urameshi · 5 days

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Prompt: Tommy angst? 👁👄👁

I didn't know I needed this. But I did. And I loved it, so, thanks! I combined this prompt with one of my personal head canons that one poor soul on Discord agreed to talk with me about 😂 One more prompt in my inbox, so stay tuned. So, have Tommy angst (about Buck, of course) and the idea, that Tommy might not be so confident after all. (I'm still looking for future beta readers, sorry about eventual tense mixups in this one)

Kill the Pain Away

–– I was gonna hope to choke the fire I was gonna face up and let go Oh, I was gonna ally with the golden guising And by the light of dawn, I'd put my brave face on ––

That evening in Buck's loft was etched in Tommy's memory.

Yes, also because of their first kiss that started something Tommy hadn't expected, though he appreciated it all the more. Most of all, he couldn’t forget it because Buck, that inimitable man with his puppy eyes and this smooth face had managed to coax a secret out of him, and he had willingly revealed it. As he’d opened up, Tommy had meant every word: he had been jealous of the bonds the 118 found after his leaving. He still was, actually.

Never as much as now.

As a pilot, Tommy wasn’t able to just cancel his shift, couldn’t ask anybody to take over when he was already in the air. And so, while his thoughts were far, far below, he continued to circle above the city that seemed so much bigger than usual. And although he usually enjoyed escaping the hustle and bustle, would have exchanged the street for the clouds at any day, right now he wanted nothing more to be on solid ground. But right now, he couldn’t, and he had nothing but his thoughts and a text message he’d already stared at for about ten times. It was a tough shift, as it often was when air support was needed; it was hard to control the fire, but even harder to contain the one burning in his chest.

The text was from Hen, and he’d been wondering for half an hour whether she had only written because she felt she owed him. Those were dark thoughts, Tommy knew, but sometimes, they were unstoppable; especially up here, trapped in the cockpit which was meant to be his freedom. The message was terse, unemotional, yet it evoked so many emotions in him.

Buck injured during op. Heading to St Mary’s now.

Contrary to his fondness for Hallmark movies, Tommy wasn't interested in astrology, he didn't believe in fate and thought love at first sight was a beautiful but irrational myth. Meeting Buck, and more so, learning that the cool kid of the 118 was interested in him, had been... strange, and kind of overwhelming. As luck would have it, he made friends with Eddie very quickly, and both he and his boy mentioned Buck remarkably often. From this, Tommy gathered the man had taken his place at the 118 in an extraordinary way. They had only exchanged a few words during the breakneck rescue operation for Athena and Bobby, and when the next opportunity arose, Tommy was prepared to meet some kind of superman. Somehow Hen, Howard and even Bobby and Athena, who were adamant about thanking him personally, managed to weave Buck into every conversation.

Tommy was therefore surprised that the man turned out to be anything but one of the usual powerhouses, brimming with self-confidence; not one of those arrogant types who rush into every burning house but have no respect for their colleagues.

Buck looked like a surfer boy, but Tommy sensed that something was lurking behind this façade of sunshine. Something about Buck was purely Evan, and it was mesmerizing.

Even more surprising for Tommy was to realize he was head over heels in love.

They had told him the man was a notorious womanizer, ironically they thought this was common ground, "you'll like him, you'll definitely have something to talk about, your exes". It was clear they meant women, because nobody in the 118 knew at this time. But Buck had sent out some very mixed signals in Tommy’s eyes, and yes, maybe he had been his gay awakening or some shit. Buck, at any rate, had been his awakening of sorts. Maybe Tommy was just a romantic deep inside, but this man, this man…

Tommy's radio crackled, and he bit his lower lip until it bled. Thinking of Buck distracted him, and that was irresponsible. How many times had his hand jerked to his phone, ready to answer the message, to ask questions, to beg for information. He hadn't done it because not only would it have been highly unprofessional; he shouldn't even have looked at the phone while he was on the job.

"10-19 for active units on scene, fire under control."

Tommy hastily tapped the intercom button, "Air support dismissed?"

"Copy that, air support dismissed."

Dispatch sounded almost cheerful, and perhaps there was reason to be – the fire was under control, according to the radio reports there were no casualties; these were the good, the satisfying jobs. Tommy, however, was anything but content. For the first time in a long time he wasn’t even interested in how the job had turned out. The cockpit was suddenly tighter than ever before, the ground much further away, and the loop he had to fly seemed to take so much longer. His hand gripped the controls so hard that his knuckles turned white.

That message could mean anything.

Anyone who was not interested in logic, in cool calculations, was not suited to be a pilot. In this respect, it was pointless to get carried away with what ifs. On the other hand, pilots without instinct were just machine operators. But his instincts weren't helping Tommy right now, except to remind him of all the things that could go wrong. Because one thing Buck really was: a fucking daredevil.

Tommy had experienced it once, during one of those dates that simply hadn’t happened because an incident had interrupted it. Every firefighter knew that a day off could very quickly turn into an emergency call-out. Like most in the services, they took it with humor, they collected the incidents and called them their overtime list, hours to make up for later in bed.

This one time, Tommy had happened to drive right past the accident on his way home, catching a glimpse of the 118 in action. Something inside him had struck a chord of wistfulness, but then he’d seen Evan. No, at that moment he had really just been Buck. Buck, who threw himself under a burning vehicle with a child trapped underneath.

Every firefighter suffered injuries at some point. They all had scars, and they were unduly proud of them. But some of them did not boast about the strength of the fire in which they were burned, nor about the weight of the steel that had trapped them. Some scars were rarely shown, and some were internal: all these were from saved lives. And Tommy knew what it was like to be the one to whom this happened. The one who was hurt. No one was really prepared for the pain, and no one liked to remember it. What Tommy hadn't known, however, was what it would be like to be on the other side. Anyone who got injured was afraid; a fact that was often left out of the bragging stories. But that kind of fear was completely different to the one he felt now, this fear was terrifying.

And how did this happen in the first place? A pair of blue eyes and a sunshine face, that wouldn't have been enough to penetrate his façade in the past. But somehow that's what it was all about. To look behind the guise. Making yourself vulnerable without hurting. Because what was really deep inside was beautiful, worth letting out and discovering –but it was still terrifying. He had only known the guy for a few weeks. Buck had stormed into his life, throwing himself into this crazy rescue operation with determination, a look in those pretty eyes that clearly said, you better get on with this, because I will walk through fire for these people.

There was something about him that magnetically attracted other people, and it wasn't just his handsome face or his sometimes awkward charm. Something about him had made a string in Tommy resonate that hadn't been tuned for a while. Something in Buck made people go through the blaze for him, too. Tommy would happily return to the fire that they had already successfully fought, would walk right through the embers if he had to, if only it was clear in the end that nothing had happened to Evan.

As the aircraft sank lower, he tried to relax his hand so as not to jerk the controls, but he couldn't stop his thoughts from wandering to that blank text message again and again. He had no regrets about leaving the 118; changing jobs had been the right decision at the time. But that dark voice inside him whispered that he should never have left, because these people were with Evan now, they had all the information they weren't sharing with him because he wasn't a part of them... That was irrational, after all, he would probably never have met Buck if he had stayed. He would never have met Evan. Evan, who had been hurt out there, probably in some reckless act; who may have been in pain, scared, but who wasn't alone.

Tommy, however, was alone, still high above the city, and as he got closer to the ground and the vehicles and people got bigger, he appeared to shrink. Would Buck even need him? What if everything wasn't so bad, and after all, his friends were with him… and Tommy, the onlooker, would get weird looks because he hadn't just called, hadn't just answered a message, but had rushed to the hospital with this panic in his eyes.

They had not yet given a name to what was between them. Tommy had been Buck's date for a wedding that had taken place unplanned in a hospital; and as they stood there, everyone had seen there was something, but what exactly? They hadn't suddenly turned up together wherever they went, hadn't picked each other up from work or introduced each other as "this is my boyfriend" at random meetings with friends. It was almost as if they had both navigated around this first, invisible cliff in their relationship.

So what if Buck thought it would be odd for him to show up at the hospital? After nothing but a few dates, far too few kisses and even fewer nights that Tommy remembered when the day was long and Evan was across town? Tommy wasn't part of the 118, and maybe not a real part of Buck.

He landed the aircraft mechanically, did the paperwork, answered questions and couldn’t have told how he got into his car. He didn't recall the trip to the hospital either, but he did remember putting on a confident, relaxed face in the elevator mirror.

They were all there, and his heart sank as cold fear crept up and down his spine.

Henrietta and Howard, whom they called Chimney for some inexplicable reason and who had somehow grown close to Tommy’s heart. The captain, Bobby, who made a more than just serious face. Ravi, who was no longer a probie, but was still busy getting coffee to distract himself or the others. Eddie, traces of dirt on his face, constantly scratching his arm, which looked suspiciously singed. Buck’s sister, Maddie, which was the most disturbing sight, because if she had managed to get here, things were serious.

She was the first to catch sight of him, turning by chance as the elevator door opened, and then there was an expression flickering across her face that confused him, something he couldn't place. Howard's mouth formed a silent oh, as if surprised to see him, and Hen glanced first at Tommy, then at her phone. I shouldn't have come, Tommy thought, but everyone was here, and he wanted to be here, he wanted nothing more than to know what was going on.

He faltered, but started walking slowly towards them. Maddie suddenly approached him, touched his arm like some delicate flower and said, "Oh dear, I'm sorry, I should have called you."

Tommy's false smile of confidence crumbled.

"I assumed you were on call, you didn't answer," Hen said, who had somehow also appeared next to him, "I didn't want to worry you, so I kept it short."

Well, now you've got me worried, Tommy intended to say, because he recognized very well that she was using her first responder voice, the tone reserved for patients and relatives. Now he noticed that they were all surrounding him; it was frightening, but there was nothing but genuine concern on their faces.

"Buck already asked for you," Bobby said, and Tommy finally found his voice again.

"What's going on anyway?" he asked.

All of a sudden, the tension was released. He received encouraging pats on the back, was pushed to a seat, and Hen sat down with him and laid out in concise words a story he had heard many times before.

Tommy had known firefighters who kissed a St. Florian badge before a job, yet it rarely helped – things just went wrong sometimes. Someone stumbled over the hose, jammed the ladder or grabbed the axe at the wrong end. And sometimes a fire could not be contained, with a flame so bright you could no longer see, a roaring so deafening you could no longer hear. Then you were at the mercy of danger, and those were the missions that no one would forget. The ones where no lives could be saved, there were only casualties. It was bad, and it was reflected in every single face around him.

"But he's conscious?" Tommy asked, tuning out the list of injuries he had just heard, concentrating only on Bobby's words. Buck had asked for him.

Bobby and Hen exchanged a look, and Bobby said, "I'll ask the doctor if you can see him."

I'm not a relative, Tommy thought to say, but he could see in the other’s eyes that it didn’t matter. They were family, even if not by blood, and an unwritten law allowed emergency services to be with their wounded in times of need. And all of this screamed that he was a relative after all, at least in spirit. Maybe because he had been part of the 118 before, but maybe mainly because he belonged to Buck.

If that was true. If Buck wanted that, too.

But it seemed that everyone else accepted this, just as they included him in their care and concern. It was almost pleasant if he hadn't been so tense; so full of adrenaline, as if he was about to turn a corner of a building already burning brightly.

And then, again without knowing exactly how he had put one foot in front of the other, he stood in Buck's room. All of a sudden, the strain actually disappeared, as is often the case when reality has overtaken your worst expectations and you can finally focus on the truth. The truth was that Buck looked very young and very vulnerable amidst all the equipment and tubes and bandages, but the truth was also that he was alive; and as bad as everything was, he was going to get better.

Tommy pulled up a chair, sat down and grabbed Buck's hand without thinking. Did it matter if Buck actually wanted him? Perhaps a very selfish thought, because right now Tommy seemed to need this touch much more than Buck, who was asleep. It was a misjudgment, because those beautiful blue eyes opened, and even though his gaze wasn't completely focused, it was directed at Tommy.

"Evan," Tommy said softly, the name flowing from his lips as easily as the weight that was taken from his mind in that moment.

"I was wondering when my boyfriend was gonna show up," Buck mumbled sleepily, but with that inimitable grin that neither a few broken bones nor a bunch of painkillers could seem to take away from him.

Tommy's heart stumbled, but he smiled.

"It's not like I could interrupt a perfectly good job to console you for your lousy one."

"Console me now, think I need it."

"Call me your boyfriend again, and I might," Tommy said, while his mind kept repeating the truth: Evan wanted him.

"I've already bragged to all the nurses about my handsome boyfriend."

Buck’s voice got softer, his words choppier, but Tommy held his hand long after he fell asleep.

He had no intention of letting go of it anytime soon.

#911 abc #911 fanfic #bucktommy

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