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FASHION ARTICLE

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PERSONAL NARRATIVE

I was able to say "mama" at the age of one, but weirdly enough, not "papa." At two, my mother taught me to sing the "Bahay Kubo," but I always say "atay kubos." At three, I learned how to count from 1 to 10. I started learning the "ABC" song and how to count from 1 to 30 when I was four years old. We moved to Calamba when I was five years old, and when I was six, we came back to Cabuyao. I turned seven, and this was when my traumatic experiences began. I changed schools in 2012 and noticed a drop in my grades. My two friends betrayed me when I was nine years old. When I was ten years old, I kicked my classmate's balls because he kept yelling, "banlag, duling!" At eleven, I met true friends named Phia and Hercie, and we have remained close friends to this day. I was an honor student again in 2016 and graduated sixth out of the entire graduating class. I had a gay awakening when I was thirteen. I had my first kiss with a girl when I was 14 years old. I played the role of our speech choir's lead character in 2015. When I turned 16, I got an album of my favorite idol group. I first experienced getting drunk when I was 17 and drank the legendary "gin bilog" with a Nestea apple mixed in. I just repeatedly relapsed in 2022.

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BLIND FAITH WILL LEAD YOU SOMEWHERE, NOT IN HEAVEN, THOUGH: A REFLECTION IN THE MOVIE "PRAYERS FOR BOBBY”

TW: mentions of suicide, blood, blade, and death.

Any LGBTQIA+ individual could relate to the movie Prayers for Bobby. The story revolves around a young gay man from a religious family who believes that homosexuality is a horrible sin against their God. After realizing that Bobby's death was a result of their ignorance toward him, Bobby's mother started advocating for LGBT rights. Bobby's mother, Mary, realized that her blinding faith prevented her from seeing how her son's situation was getting worse. Bobby was already experiencing religious trauma from his family, but her mother believed that he was ill and that God would heal him. Consequently, Bobby committed suicide.

I also experienced being a Bobby in the family. I experienced the same thing that happened to him: my sibling outed me. The only difference is that she unintentionally outed me, but the outcome was the same for both of us. My family was making homophobic remarks toward me. They started questioning my faith in God and quoting verses they believed would make me feel guilty. I felt pain in response to what they did, and a part of me thought it was because of who I am. Because I had already anticipated this picture, I assumed that I would feel numb and was hoping I would be wrong. Sadly, they are opposed to my sexuality. In the early phases of grief, I initially rejected the possibility that they might be in shock and still be processing what happened because this is not typical for them, given their religious beliefs. In the same way, Bobby did when he denied that he was possibly not gay and had fallen prey to temptation. I also had doubts about my sexuality and believed I might just be confused. Bobby was angry during the second stage of grief because his family insisted he was ill and not normal. I became distraught with myself. I was questioning why my mother was frustrated, how much my sexuality had hurt them, and other such things. Like Bobby, I read the Bible and attended church-related seminars when I was in the negotiation stage. Because I am not viewed as a heterosexual, I need to perform nice deeds for God to accept me in heaven. As I nearly killed myself with a blade when going through the depressive stage, I believe this is a sensitive subject for me. I slit my wrist and shoulders, allowing the blood to pour all over my body. Because I shut my room door, no one was able to see it, and I assume no one noticed that I had been in my room the entire day. I didn't think I was depressed at the time since I was avoiding self-diagnosis. I want to get checked out, but my parents won't let me because we can't afford to counsel. They believe it to be a financial waste. "Kaya ka nagkakaganiyan e, magdasal ka kasi."  It is really tough growing up in a religious household, "Kakasama mo sa barkada mo mga ganiyan natutunan mo at nangyayari sa'yo." I also went through traumatic religious experiences, just like Bobby endured. You will always hear their irrational opinions and observe how they force their beliefs on others. Acceptance, which is the final stage, is a challenging one to get to. In my instance, I started being extremely harsh on myself mentally, emotionally, and physically. Once more, I came close to committing suicide, but I don't know why I hesitated. I've never figured out the cause, and I still don't. I just found that I was slowly coming to terms with the fact that there is nothing wrong with who I am and that I should not let anyone hurt me—including myself—just because they believe homosexuality to be a sin. I regained some of my confidence since my friends genuinely embraced me without making judgments. They are so dear to me. At my darkest hour, they did give me comfort, and I am genuinely thankful for that.

To summarize, the movie is a great representation of how one's parents' ignorance could lead to their child's death. Homophobia is still a big issue in most parts of the country since Christianity dominates the Philippines. This mindset being hard to remove to the people’s mind is the biggest challenge to the community. Being homosexual is not a sin; no one has the right to hurt a person just because of their sexuality. We humans should choose whoever we want to love without feeling any guilt. If being queer will make me go to hell, I will gladly accept my fate rather than be a hypocritical believer in God.

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THE PERSONIFICATION OF THE SANCTUARY, MY SANCTUARY

In her eyes, I see serenity. In her eyes, I felt the sanctuary.

Lara Zachie, the person who made me feel safe in her arms even though we have been just talking recently. I've known her since I was a sophomore in high school while she was a freshman. Basically, we're schoolmates. She's one of the famous athletes on our volleyball team. Before university week, we had never interacted. I'll admit that she caught my interest when I watched her play. I had never witnessed her play volleyball before. She is really great. I am not biased here. I'm genuinely impressed. "God, I like her. I really want to talk to her." That's how I felt as I watched her toned physique move to spike the ball in "slow motion." Luckily, I know someone who is also friends with Lara, and she introduced me to her, allowing us to start to get to know one another.

She has so many qualities that I find admirable. She became more attractive since she was "sporty." She was skilled in basketball, baseball, badminton, and volleyball. God knows how much I enjoy sports and how eager I am to watch her participate in them more. Another thing is that if she discusses something with me about computers or laptops without making me feel stupid, my knees get weak. "Yes, hand in marriage, Miss," I thought.

With each passing day, I could see myself growing to cherish her even more, flaws and all. Although I am the talkative introvert and she is the quiet one, our personalities match well. I really appreciate how relaxed and open she is with me since, as I have learned, she used to be a person who was afraid to be seen, and vulnerable when she needed help. She once informed me that she might have turned silent when we had lunch at Mcdo. However, it never happened, and the entire date we had, I was smiling because of all the exciting stories she was sharing. I'm glad she felt at ease sharing it with me; I was focused on her eyes the entire time. It was a lovely day; I never thought I'd experience where I would be just happy all day.

 We really have good chemistry. She never gave me the impression that she found me uninteresting. Even though we spoke virtually much of the time, you could feel her enthusiasm and hyper side. Her eyes give off a quiet, cold vibe whenever I meet her at school, but as soon as I start conversing with her, that impression disappears faster than my money. I could hear her eager voice in chats because of how she typed and delivered her hilarious humor. I am relieved that little Lara is now proud of how she is slowly learning to open up and be listened to. She told me that she is still scared of telling people how she feels because it might be a burden. Her past still haunts her, and it made my heart ache. She learned to be independent not just because she is an only child but also because people around her made her feel that being vulnerable is bad. 

Her eyes are unattractive to her. She explained that because her eyes always seem tired and intimidating, many people are afraid to approach her. But all I could see was how beautiful it was. I even visualized how her eyes would seem during golden hour. It will be heavenly to see it with my own eyes. It's a cliché, but she would understand why I find it so admirable if she could only view herself from my perspective. I admire it for more reasons than just how alluring it is; I admire it because these eyes gave me safety. Her eyes gave me the sense that she would be someone who could touch my bare soul without worsening the wounds that I already had.

In those eyes, I lost comfortably; I wish it would not be the same eyes I want to forget completely.

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MULAT: ISULONG ANG PAGBABAGO, GOBYERNO’Y BIGYAN NG KRITISISMO

“Yehey, walang pasok na raw Mama! isang linggo raw ata ah!” ang natatandaan kong sinabi ko sa aking ina noong nabalitaan ko na wala kaming pasok sa mga susunod na araw na hindi ko aakalaing iyon na pala ang huling pasok ko bago tayo mag transisyon sa “New Normal” dahil sa pandemya. Aaminin ko na wala naman ako naging pake noong nalaman ko na meron na ngang mga kaso ng Covid 19 dito sa ating bansa. Hinabilinan lang kami na bawal kami lumabas at matatanda lang ang pwede dahil nga mabilis ang paglaganap nito. Tuwang tuwa pa ako noon kasi bilang estudyanteng tamad mag-aral at pumasok, masaya akong halos mag-buwan na ng Hunyo ay wala pa ring anunsyo ng pasukan. Sa halos ilang buwan na natigil sa bahay, masaya ako kasi hindi ko kailangan makihalubilo nang makihalubilo sa tao at maubos ang enerhiya ko. Naging mapayapa ako, ang dami kong nadiskubre. Nakahiligan ko nga noon ang mag-eyeliner at matuto kung paano nga ba maglagay ng kolorete sa mukha. Ngunit hindi talaga ako matuto kaya sinukuan ko na. Sinubukan ko rin paano mag-gantsilyo. Ang alam ko lang kasi ay iyong “single stitch,” kaya sinubukan kong matutunan iyong iba pa. Sa kasamaang palad, tinamad ako kaya natambak lang iyong mga gamit pang gantsilyo. Ang dami kong sinubukan ngunit lahat ng iyon ay sinukuan ko rin agad. Ganoon kasi akong klase ng tao, kapag sa isang subok hindi ko makuha agad, tatamarin na ako. Mabilis kasi ako mawalan ng motibasyon kapag hindi ko naman agad nakikita sarili ko na humuhusay sa isang bagay, kaya hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin alam ang kukunin kong kurso sa kolehiyo. 

Dumating ang buwan ng Agosto. Nababalita na malapit na raw ulit magpasukan. Natuwa naman ako kasi siyempre sa wakas makikita ko na ulit mga kaibigan ko at magkakaroon na ulit ako ng baon. Ang malungkot lang sa akin ay kailangan ko ulit makihalubilo sa iba, kumausap, at mauubos na naman ang enerhiya ko. Nawala naman ang mga ito nang narinig ko na hindi raw “face-to-face” ang mangyayari, kung hindi “online class” at “modular learning.” Pamilyar naman ako sa mga ito kaya pinagwalang bahala ko na lang din. Ang nasa isip ko pa noon, “online class, madali na ‘yan. Hindi ko na kailangan bumyahe pa, iyown!” Hindi ko aakalain na sa online class pala masusubok ang pagiging estudyante ko. 

Sanay naman na ako na lagi akong nasa “honor roll” dahil simula grade 6 ay lagi na akong nasa top 10. Ngunit iba pala talaga ang turo kapag kaharap mo ang guro at sa pagtuturo na kayo nasa isang meeting app. Sobra akong nahirapan sa online class, hindi ko aakalain na ang huling taon ko ng pagiging high school ay ang magiging pinaka madugo. Bukod sa nahihirapan ako intindihin ang mga tinuturo dahil mabagal akong makakuha, iniisip ko rin ang bayarin namin. Bilang panganay, natuto na ako paano intindihin ang mga gastusin. Marami kaming nagastos dahil tatlo kaming magkakapatid. Dalawa kaming kailangan ng gadget at ang isa ay modular learning. Ako at ang aking sumunod na kapatid ay parehas na nasa high school at sa isang pribadong paaralan nag-aaral; ang bunso naman ay nasa ika-limang baitang sa pampublikong paaralan.  Hindi ko na alam ang uunahin kong responsibilidad; ang pagiging estudyante ko ba, pagiging anak, pagiging panganay, o ang responsibilidad ko na alagaan ang sarili ko. Nakapagtapos ako ng high school na nasa “with honors” at hindi ako nakuntento roon. Alam ko kasi sa sarili ko na hindi ako dapat naroroon, alam kong dapat nakapagtapos akong nasa “with high.” Nalungkot ako, ilang beses kong iniyakan ang pangyayari na iyan. Kahit isipin ko na, “Okay lang ‘yan, may Best in Filipino ka pa naman oh, ayos na ‘yan.” kaya hindi na lang din maalis sa isipan ko na kung siguro mas ginalingan ko pa sana, hindi ganoon ang kahihinatnan.

Dumating ang grade 11, mas lalo lang ako na-pressure dahil inanunsyo kung sino ang top 3. Hindi ko aakalain na ako ang mangunguna sa aming klase. Hindi ako sanay na ako ang nasa pinakatuktok. Ang ibang tao siguro ay magiging masaya kapag nalaman nilang sila ang top 1, ngunit ako, hindi. Matapos kong malaman ang impormasyon na iyon, nagawa ko na naman ulit na sugatan ang sarili ko. Ang daming bumabagabag sa isip ko noon, at isa na doon ay kung paano ko ba mapapanatili na ako nga ang nasa tuktok. Iniisip ko rin kasi noon, ang madalas na nangunguna sa klase ay magaling sa math, sa english, sa science, magaling gumuhit at lahat ng iyon ay wala ako. Kailangan lagi ako nag-aaral, hindi ako natural na matalino. Kaya mas malaki ang pagdududa ko sa sarili ko kaysa sa maramdaman na dapat kong ipagmalaki ang nakamit ko. Sanay ako na lagi akong may karangalan pero hindi ako sanay na ako ang tinitingala o ako ang nasa sinasabi nga nilang “spotlight.” Simula noon, tuwing hindi ako natutuwa sa mga resultang nakuha ko, pinaparusahan ko ang sarili ko, sinusugatan. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang problema sa akin dahil wala naman kaming sapat na pera para ipatingin sa isang doktor kung ano nga bang meron sa akin. Hinahayaan ko na lang dahil ayoko na lang din malaman pa ng mga kapatid ko. Panganay ako, at para sa akin ayokong nakikita nila na nagkakaganito ako, kailangan kong maging matatag para alam nilang may kakapitan sila. 

Hindi talaga naging maganda ang dulot ng online class sa karamihan ng estudyante. Lalong lumaganap ang pandaraya dahil nga sa pagkakaroon ng kompetisyon sa paaralan at ang pressure na nanggagaling sa pamilya at sa taong nakapaligid sa kanila. Ang iba ay nahirapan lalo na makapag-aral dahil hindi pa rin sila sanay sa ganitong pamamaraan ng pag-aaral. 

Ilang taon na tayong nasa pandemya at ang problema sa edukasyon ay lalo lang lumalala. Nagsulputan nga ang paggamit ng “modular learning” at “online class” na malayo sa tradisyunal nating pag-aaral. Nasa loob ng apat na sulok ng silid, nasa harap ang guro, ang mga bata ay nakaupo sa mga upuang minsan sira pa ang patungan o hindi kaya naman ay nauga pa. Marami ng problema sa edukasyon dito sa Pilipinas wala pang pandemya, tulad ng kakulangan sa sweldo ng mga gurong nasa pampublikong paaralan, hindi sapat na materyales para sa mga mag-aaral, mga silid-aralan na hindi na naayos at napabayaan na ng gobyerno, hindi maayos na sistema ng edukasyon. Marami ng naging kaso ng pagpapakamatay ng mga kabataan dulot ng sistema ng edukasyon dito sa Pilipinas at hanggang ngayon tinatapakan pa rin ang mga karapatan ng mga estudyante na makamit ang maayos na kalidad ng edukasyon na sa una pa lang ay dapat naibibigay na ng mga nakaupo sa gobyerno at hindi na dapat pa na magmakaawa ang mamamayang PIlipino. 

Bilang isang estudyante na hindi naman gaano nabigyan ng maginhawang buhay habang lumalaki, nakita ko lalo kung gaano kalaki ang epekto at tulong na naidudulot kapag ikaw ay may pribilehiyo. Kaya mo mag-aral kahit saan mang paaralan na naisin mo, hindi mo kailangan problemahin ang bayarin, hindi mo kailangan problemahin kung makakapasok ka ba sa magiging iskolar ng bayan. Nasa harap mo na lahat, nakahain na. Ngayong pandemya mas nakita kung gaano kalaki ang epekto sa isa’t isa ng kahirapan, kawalan ng trabaho at ng edukasyon. Dahil nga nagpademya maraming PIlipino ang nawalan ng trabaho na nagdulot ng kahirapan sa karamihan sa atin. Dahil dito may mga estudyanteng hindi nakapag patuloy ng pag-aaral dahil nga nabanggit ko kanina, lumipat tayo mula sa tradisyonal na pag-aaral patungo sa pagkakaroon na ng “online class” at “modular learning.” Hindi naging madali ang transisyon na ito dahil hindi lahat ay may kakayahan na bumili ng mga gadgets na kailangan para sa online class at hindi naman lahat ng estudyante ay may kapasidad na mag-aral ng walang gabay galing sa guro. 

Hanggang ngayon wala pa ring pagbabago. Hanggang ngayon bulok ang sistema ng gobyerno. Karapatang pantao ay hindi maisakatuparan nang ayos, kung wala kang kapangyarihan at koneksyon, lulusot ka muna sa butas ng karayom. Oo, hindi dapat isisi lahat sa gobyerno pero hindi ka rin dapat maging bulag. Ilang administrasyon na ang lumipas, wala pa ring maayos na reporma para sa mga kabataan na gustong makamit ang edukasyong hindi na nila kailangang paghirapan makamtan. Edukasyong makakatulong sa atin para umunlad ang bansa. Hindi ba tayo napapagod na lagi na lang tayo naloloko ng mga nakaupo? Sa eleksyon sila ay mga maiingay, ang mga pangalan ay kalat pero kapag kailangan na maglingkod sa pinangakuang bayan, ni hindi mo mahagilap. Ngayong may panibagong administrasyon, hindi ko alam kung may patutunguhan nga ba ngayong nakaupo na naman ang Pamilyang Marcos sa Malacanang. Hindi ako madasaling tao, pero kung totoo ang Diyos, nagmamakaawa akong isalba ang Pilipinas sa pamilyang minsan nang gumamit ng dahas. Sa mga nakaupo ay matutong magbigay ng kritisismo, huwag matakot na tumindig sa tama.

Mamamayan tayo ng bansang ito, hindi tayo para sa gobyerno. Ang gobyerno ang para sa tao. 

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ESKINITA

Ang tanikalang nakagapos sa magkabilang paa

Walang susi, walang makakaresolba

Bakit ka tumakbo?

Sino ka nga ba?

"Ate, ate tulong" 

Huling wika ko

Umiiyak, walang tigil ang luha

Aakalain mong si birheng maria nang pinapako si Hesus sa Krus

Makakatakas ba ko rito? 

Hindi na nga ba? Maaari, oo, siguro, baka, pwede— Walang kasiguraduhan

Kita ko pa rin ang bakas ng nakaraan

Sinusundan ako kahit ako'y mahimbing na natutulog

Mahimbing? Hindi

Hindi na ko nakatulog nang mahimbing matapos ang nangyari

Naglalakad ako, galing sa eskwela

Normal na araw para sa akin

Gumising, pumasok, naubos ang enerhiya sa tao, at nangyari nga

Nangyari nga ang kagimbal gimbal na sinaryong pilit akong minumulto 

Minumulto pikit man o dilat, araw man o gabi, walang pinipiling oras

May araw pa, pa-dapit hapon

Ang mga tao ay mulat 

May nag k-kwentuhan, may nag-iinom, nag-iintay ng masasakyan

Malalakas na busina galing sa mga sasakyang natigil dahil sa trapiko

"tangina" ani ko sa loob ng aking isipan

Ramdam kong may sumusunod

Ramdam ko ang presensya 

Hindi ako nagkakamali, eto na nga ata 

May demonyo sa likuran 

Syang pumalit kay satanas, syang papalit kay satanas at sya ring sumira sa pagkatao ko nang wagas.

Hindi ko alam ang gagawin

Sisigaw ba? Ilalabas ko ba ang maliit na panaksak? Tatadyakan ko ba sa bayag? 

Tama nga sila, kapag andon ka na sa sitwasyon na akala mo’y handa ka, titigil ang utak mo, at mapapatanong, "Putcha, anong gagawin ko?" 

Nakakatawa dahil naisingit ko pang isipin na maililigtas ako

Ng isang superhero

Si Darna, Victor Magtanggol pa nga.

Ngunit wala, walang ganoon sa reyalidad. 

Tatanggapin ko na lang ba? Baka, siguro, ewan

May pamimilian ba?

Ngunit, sapagkat, datapwat

Nakakita ako ng pag-asa

Nanlalabo na ang paningin

Ngunit kita ko pa rin ang syang mga paa

Syang mga paa na akala ko ay ang tutulong sa akin

Hindi ako maka sigaw, pero ramdam ko ang boses ko sa utak

Sobrang bilis, sobrang kabado, asaan yung boses ko

Umimik ka, ilakas mo! Isigaw mo!

Binigo ako.

Nagkatinginan kami

Dama ko ang takot sa kanyang mata 

Nagdadalawang isip kung lalapit o lalayo ba 

Humakbang sya!

Humakbang sya, palayo,

Kung saan ako naroroon 

Nakita ko na lang ang sarili ko

Luhaan, hinihingal, gusot ang saplot.

Pagod at Pandidiri at Panghihina at Galit. 

"Panginoon, tunay ka ba?" 

"Diyos ko, diyos ko, anong rason?" 

"Karapat dapat ba sakin to?" 

“BAKIT?!” sa paanong paraan? Bakit?

Paulit ulit na tinatanong sa Maykapal

Kung hindi ka ba tumakbo,

Maililigtas ba ko? 

Kung ako’y natulungan mo,

May magbabago kaya sa sitwasyong kinaharap ko?

Nawalan na ko ng gana sa lahat

Tumigil sa pag-aaral

Tulog at tulala at tulala at tulog ang gawain

Para akong sasakyang natambak na lang sa budega

Hindi maayos, walang kwenta

Sa apat na sulok ng kwarto 

Ramdam ko pa rin ang nangyari

Binabangungot

Gusto ng hininga ay malagot

"TAMA NA!, TAMA NA! Tama na!" paulit ulit na sigaw

Nakita ko na naman ang sarili ko sa daang walang poste ng ilaw

Madilim, nakakatakot, nakakapangilabot

"tama na!, tama na…" 

Hindi ko na alam saan na nga ba ako tutungo

Pasaherong hindi alam kung saan ang pupuntahan

Naliligaw, walang palatandaang nakikita

Daang disyerto ang buhay ko

Kahit ako mismo hindi ko na saulo 

Luna, alam kong pagod ka na nakikita ako naghihirap tuwing gabi

Huwag kang mag-alala, malapit na ko, papunta na ko sa piling mo 

Makakasama mo na ko kasama ang mga bituing nakapaligid sa langit

Eto na, eto na ang huling talim na hahagkan sa palapulsuhang madalas na duguan. 

ESKINITA.

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A Thing Called Love: A Reflective Paper on the Anthology, “Lockdown Litanies: Countless Untold Stories” a Paper by Hannah Millecent 

I chose "love" as our central theme since, after reading these works, you'll see that they all portray various forms and levels of love that we may experience on our own or even in a group context. And I want to talk about how these differ from one another. Finding out more about this thing we call love could be significant. As I browse the internet, I come across articles on the various levels of love, including sacrificial love and the levels of liking, affection, and emotion. These levels of love could be expressed when we relate to the pieces we will be reflecting on.

It isn't easy to define love. It could be understood in several contexts, as we convey it in many different ways. For example,  love could make you happy but also be the reason your soul is devastated. Love may be the reason you are so generous, but it may also cause actions that could harm others. In this reflective essay, we may talk about some kinds of love in this including love for oneself, love for others, risky love that one is willing to embrace because they believe it is the right thing to do, love that requires you to give, let go something, which drains you, and love that one would do everything to prove.

    Reading the first poem, "Dear Diary," which I can relate to, causes me to feel something. The author appears to be talking to me. It's as if I was reminded that, even for a moment, I must choose my freedom and allow myself to be carefree despite living in a cruel world. And the line that has affected me the most is "Corrupting myself online and harming my body, Meeting strangers for warmth and solace, wanting for more But all was left in me, I ended up alone." It sounds like someone did everything they could to feel better or find the fulfillment they longed for but still ended up being broken and feeling abandoned. Even so, I felt proud of the author since they finally achieved their desire for freedom and learned self-love. The acceptance of oneself could be related to Andra Day's Rise Up, where she expresses to accept failures and not lose hope. As the lyric states, "I'll rise up, in spite of the ache." 

In the second poem, "The Tale of a Modern Sisyphus," I thought of a person who, despite what has happened to her, maintains her optimism and self-belief. So, as I read this, I thought of her and smiled. I just realized that while finding solutions to difficulties is one of the most crucial things we can do, accepting failures in our lives can really make us stronger. It could be seen in this line “Gracious to push the boulder up the mountain. And start once again like nothing happened.” It implies that the world won't always be on your side. Always choose to have confidence in your abilities, learn from mistakes, and move forward. Restart and return stronger. This kind of love is when you are content with who you are, self-assured in your worth, and have the attitude that everything is possible for you as long as you believe in yourself and don't let harsh remarks impact you. Instead, let it serve as motivation to become more persistent. This makes me think of Rachel Platter's song Fight Song, where you might hear the confidence you should have and convince yourself that you can handle whatever comes your way. "And I don't really care if nobody else believes, 'cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me," is a line from the song that expresses it.

In the third work, a prose poem titled "O' Yayi," I was saddened by the concept of choosing to love someone even when their love for you is not reciprocal and still going out of your way to make them happy. Knowing that many individuals have had this kind of love kind of hurts. Unfortunately, it's not always meant for you. The line, "Which arms would you go back to if I ran out of time here and reached the other side, mine or Dante's?" really expresses how hurt he feels in this kind of love. You are competing with a dead person. You cannot help your loved one, and it aches more to watch her suffer since she cannot be with the person she loves. This reminded me of Morisette Amon's version of Gusto ko nang Bumitaw, where you could sense the feeling of being in pain and suffering from a love that you wanted to let go of but still choose not to because you still think there is a chance; it's like discussing with yourself while listening to the song. It was evident in the lyrics, "Gusto ko nang bumitaw, ngunit ayaw pa ng puso, Gusto ko nang bumitaw, siguro may pag-asa." 

The fourth person experiences an intimate form of love. The poem "Two Red Laces on the Wonderwall" creatively describes how making love involves partners being willing to look deeply into each other's naked souls and touch them delicately as if they were holding an expensive glass and sharing their lusts for one another. It was stated in the line, "I opened my full to bare my soul." It expresses how someone can feel comfortable revealing their flaws, beauty, and unfiltered bodies to that person because they have unwavering trust and love for them. This kind of love reminded me of Bruno Mars' Just The Way You Are. Every time I hear this song, I feel that someone will accept me despite my imperfections, and believing that I am in love. Even though the lyrics and tone are not very intimate, the lyrics, "When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change. 'Cause you're amazing, exactly the way you are,"  would make you feel lovable.

This poem is about a mother's love. After reading "The Umbilical," I realized that moms go to great lengths to ensure the health and happiness of their children. Your heart will flutter and melt when you experience this kind of passionate, overwhelming love. The phrase "The pain she suffered just for me to see" was used repeatedly to express the idea that a mother would be prepared to endure any suffering to hold her kid in her warm arms and allow them to feel their love. Iingatan Ka by Carol Banawa, one of my go-to karaoke songs, came to my mind after reading this. This song always melts my heart whenever I sing it because of the tone and, if you pay attention to the lyrics, especially this line: “Iingatan ka, aalagaan ka. Sa puso ko ikaw ang pag-asa. Sa 'ting mundo'y may gagabay sa iyo. Ang alay ko'y itong pagmamahal ko” This line could also describe what a mother's love is like

"RE: Paper (I'm Red, IMRaD)," the next piece, is about love for your countrymen. Here, I concluded that the author wants better education systems in the Philippines. Teachers can give students the education they deserve and encourage them to think critically rather than just memorize textbook terms. The author also wants to encourage and help teachers to reach their full potential and use it in their teaching. "Ironically, in areas we expect for leadership, Communication, media, and socio-emotional management. We are not that high." It explains that our system is not assisting kids in thinking creatively, improving their reasoning, or developing a deeper grasp of how society functions. Instead, our educational system is likely focused on just preparing students to enter the workforce and nothing more. This concern reminds me of Taylor Swift's Only The Young because it also relates to our government who still is not prioritizing our educational crisis and we are still imprisoned in a system where there is no progress ahead, still full of corruption. This could be interpreted in the lyric, "They aren't gonna help us, too busy helping themselves." 

"3 A.M. Awakening" is a love of oneself; they chose a different path for happiness. Their sense of satisfaction is leaving everything behind and finding peace in another world.  If they want peace, perhaps some people won't comprehend why the person killed themselves. It is hard to grasp their choice if you are not in their situation. As someone who had several attempts and attacks but is still undiagnosed because of financial problems, some people around may pity you or think you want attention and may guilt trip you by saying bible verses. Knowing that some people are going through this yet are afraid to ask for help because of those types of people worries me. The final statement is "THUD. (Finally, peace will arrive.)" basically just expresses the idea of loving yourself in such a way that you choose to have your happiness and guarantee that you would no longer experience the agony and heavy breathing. This reminds me of one of my favorite songs from one of my favorite OPM artists, Reese Lansangan’s An Opportunity To Go To the Moon. This song's mood is one of absolute serenity, perfect for unwinding. I have this song on my playlist for those times I'm about to attempt it again. I interpret this song as figuratively expressing the singer's desire to end her life and enjoy her peace outside of the harsh life of this earth by flying to the moon and leaving everything behind. "I am never coming home, leaving everything I've known," the song's lyrics declared.. 

"My Frail Lady" is the second to the last piece that bothered me, adding that it was inspired by the "Most Beautiful Suicide." Like the previous piece, the love conveyed here is the love where they chose their serenity differently. As I read this, I was somehow triggered because I remember the image of Evelyn's body after she fell from the Empire State Building. Nevertheless, I was fascinated by how the author used words to convey a person's pain. The terms used were elegant and gave the impression that it was merely a light piece, but there is a heavy context behind them, exactly like the image of Evelyn's body after she jumped. The line, "Dancing on her own. Masking a desolated storm. "Gentle Für Elise." highlights how a person suffering may not always display visible signs; instead, they may have a positive attitude and dance with joy, but people aren't always aware that those times are there to hide the suffering. This reminded me of one of my favorite songs from my favorite artist, Girl in Red’s Summer Depression. The mood is not sad, but the lyrics are. This song always reminds me of my summers 2015-2022, and I did not expect that I would be able to use this song and share it with you. There’s a lyric here that expresses that not everyone dares to tell or show what they feel; it goes like this, “No one knows I cry in my sleep. Waking up, feeling like shit”. 

The final piece, "Major Arcana," is about tarot reading, and as its title implies, it is about that. Here, I learned that sometimes we feel like we can't love ourselves in the manner we want to because of the horrible circumstances that are happening to us. Some people desire tranquility, and to provide it to themselves, they decide to take their own lives. However, other individuals are merely afraid and still wish to live their lives. The world is simply a harsh place. They feel as though they want to end their lives, but they choose not to since they still have hope for the future, still want to love and discover themselves, and still live with their special someone. It is a love where you choose to live your life to the fullest because you still want to experience living in this world. And just like taking a tarot reading, you're hoping and watching for signs that your desires will happen while also working to make them come true. The line, "And so you went in wonder and surprise. For you have seen what lies ahead, through your palm into my eyes," captures the feeling of having your eyes glisten from crying, giving you hope that happiness would still come into your life.  This reminded me of the song of one of my favorite OPM bands, Rivermaya. This song is titled Umaaraw Umuulan; where if you listen carefully to this song, it talks about that don’t lose hope because fate is not always on your side, and you will experience darkness. But, you will conquer it if you fight back, face the obstacles that will happen, and believe that you can overcome them; just wait for the right time, and you will achieve what you desire. This message will be seen in this lyric, “Wag kang maawa sa iyong sarili, isipin na wala ka nang silbi. 'Sang dambuhalang kalokohan. Bukas sisikat ding muli ang araw, ngunit para lang sa may tiyagang maghintay”

I learned a lot by reading every single piece in this anthology, and I experienced various emotions while reading. Although almost all of them have this gloomy mood, a few of the words make me smile because of the learnings I've gotten myself. Some of them make me feel as though someone is talking to me, some of them make me feel triggered, and some melt my heart, just like how we feel when we talk about love which is our central theme here. When discussing love, you could experience several emotions. After giving this some thought, I concluded—as I mentioned in my first paragraph, love may be conveyed differently since we humans have diverse definitions of what it is.

[keisoule]

ABOUT THIS ACCOUNT

Hi, my name's Hannah Millecent. My pronouns are he/him, and I prefer to be called Lee or Millecent. I am a HUMSS student, and this account will be for our Creative Nonfiction subject. You can get to know more about me by reading my works and other blogs posted here.