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look at you kids with your vintage music, comin’ through satellites while cruisin’

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I’m scared I won’t be what you expect me to be

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I never want it to get that bad again. I missed you so much and it had only been one night.

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Instagram live, 17/11/2017. Around 11pm. Late night thoughts, meditation, drugs, show cancellations and emotions. "Hi guys. Ohp, turning the comments off. Shit, okay. This is for me. Not on drugs, but that's uh.. that's something I wanna talk about though. 3rd person perspective, I'm not on drugs. Just weed. Not now though this is just a cigarette. A friend of mine... An old friend. Old old old friend. Boston friend. I'm not gonna drop names, I'm not a name dropper, Diane, that's just not who I am. Anyway he's been hospitalised and uh, not going to go into too much detail. Why? Because it's none of your fucking business, that's why. But I wanna talk about how to deal with that, how to deal with a difficult situation that you as a person, as an individual who needs to push forward with their lives and that is meditation mama. It doesn't work for everyone and that's okay but it has for me, especially recently. It's okay to take a step back and take the time to refocus on what's important in that moment. I've been doing a lot and I... I have a challenge for you. Take that time that you need. I'm having to cancel the show tonight because I need to focus on what's important in this moment. We're, uh, Trixie and I are moving into the house so I need to focus on that. Shows are still on as normal from here on that and that's all I have to say, I think. Bye!"

#// this is relevant to drama I promise

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That was intense. We've never fought like that before.

It's understandable though. We've got limited time to move into the new house, we've got more stuff than the average person if you're including all of our drag and maybe I didn't make the right decision taking that step-out.

Please talk to me in the morning.

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We help each other grow more and more with each passing day

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Past mistakes should teach you to create a beautiful future; not cause you to be afraid of it.

Unknown (via recovery-experts)

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Concept: we’re laying in bed and the world is soft and quiet. You have your arm around my waist and I listen to you breathe as we fall asleep. No one can take this moment from us.

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trixya moodboards 1&2/ ?

and they say to be young is to be free and everything will happen, it will happen in time and they say you belong here with me

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Lana Del Rey: Lust for Life (feat. The Weeknd) | 2017

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Mother, it's time for a life update again.

Traveling all the time and being so disconnected is hard. So hard.

The most important thing in my life, now more than ever is Trixie. We're getting married, getting our own house and overcoming our demons one by one. Together I feel like we're unstoppable, a force to be reckoned with.

She's struggling with her eating, but I'm ensuring that I keep an eye on that whenever we're together and I have plans to take her to wimberly when this press tour is over so we can work out together and do things right.

My anxiety is a powerful force right now. It's overwhelming, I find myself getting in my own head more often than ever and it gets me most late at night when I only have my thoughts to keep me company.

Learning to accept the fact that I'm an addict and always will be is a journey, but at least I'm not taking meth anymore and I never will again. There have been some relapses, an almost relapse only a few nights ago but it's not going to get to that point again. I'm better than that.

I'm applying my addictive personality to other things: yoga, caffiene, cigarettes work, love, meditation, myself. While some of those things on that list aren't great it's certainly not on the same level as hard drugs and I'm proud of myself for getting so far and sticking to my guns. I can beat this. I will beat this.

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What if she leaves me like she did before? That's a thought that's been so overwhelming since it came to me on that yoga trip. I can't lose her. I can't.

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While it's wonderful completely detaching myself from the outside world, I'm missing Trixie enough as it is.

I miss waking up next to her, I miss the energy she brings to a room, I miss having someone that completely understands me but reels me in at the same time. My chest hurts at the thought of no communication, but this yoga trip is so important to me and my mental health.

I hope she's at her apartment when I get home, because that's where I'm heading as soon as I step off that plane.

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It’s the way you kiss me, the way you motivate me, the way you touch me, the way you care for me, and the way you make me feel alive, that I know I’m meant to be with you, and only you.

n.s. (via nrswriting)

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