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Greta Gill: Visibility and Isolation

It’s safe to say that I have a lot of thoughts about Greta Gill. Many of those are the obvious sapphic ones, but there’s so much more to her character than just her being attractive and gay. That is compelling, don’t get me wrong, but there’s this interesting contradiction with Greta that I’m sort of obsessed with. While she is one of the characters who gets the most screen time and who we know the most about, I don’t think it's really easy to know her. So much about her genuine character is not what is necessarily visible to the audience or other characters at a surface level, and pinning her down, to me, is a very long winded process. To really understand, we’re going to have to look at her actions a lot, so let’s just get into it because this is going to be a long analysis.

A Day With Greta

Greta and Jo are the first prominent characters in the series that Carson meets, meaning that they’re the first that the audience meets after Carson herself. When the pair see Carson for the first time, she is trying to remain unnoticed as she follows them to tryouts. But once they notice her, it's fairly obvious that they clock her…as a ball player. She’s dressed to play baseball, carrying luggage, and sticks out like a sore thumb compared to the other women in the street, just like they are. Jo tells Carson that she can’t follow them because she’s competition, but Greta says she doesn’t look like much. When Carson sticks up for herself a little, Greta tells her to come with them then.

Jo seems a bit annoyed at Greta telling Carson to come along, but she says “it’s fine,” and the trio get to walking and talking. Greta is immediately friendly and chipper, but when you look at what she actually says, she’s kinda cagey. She mentions people “not having time to read in New York,” which is obviously a lie given New York city has probably the biggest literary scene in the country, and given that we know that Greta has read at least one book. But this was most likely said so that she could drop information about herself, as this implies to Carson that’s where she’s from. Strangely, when Carson asks outright if that’s where she’s from, Greta doesn’t agree to it outright.

It’s not something that immediately gives off an odd impression. It actually just sounds like she’s trying to brag. “The Big Apple, Houston, Paris. Which is in France. Ever heard of it?” She’s being a little snobbish, but in a way that’s clearly meant to impress Carson specifically, but she doesn’t say she’s been to these places. She says she’s from these places, which gives a very specific impression of a childhood spent moving from place to place with family. That doesn't necessarily have to be what she means, but it's the most obvious way to read this line, especially if you’re just meeting her and this is one of the first things you learn about her. Based on details we get from Greta later, we know that this most obvious reading isn’t the actual truth. Maybe not a lie, but not a complete truth, and she’s at the very least not wanting to give specifics about her origins.

Immediately after this, we get a much more blatant lie. After Greta distances herself from New York and insists that she’s “from all over,” Jo brings up that she dated a movie star. Greta immediately seems playfully annoyed by this being mentioned, but she and Jo simultaneously reveal the person to be “Hendricks Johnson from the Wizard of Oz.” She explains that he is one of the lollipop kids.

Now, this is very clearly a provable lie and we don’t need to have hindsight of knowing that Greta is a lesbian to know this. Lesbians can have dating histories that include men after all, so why do we know that this is definitely a lie? There’s no Hendricks Johnson in the Wizard of Oz.

The actors that played the lollipop guild members were Jackie Gerlich, Jerry Maren, and Harry Earles. There isn’t an actor with the name Hendricks Johnson in the 1939 film–which is definitely the one being referenced here–nor is he in the cast of the 1925 silent movie. There doesn’t seem to be anyone that exists with that name, in fact. It’s a complete fabrication, and that’s the point.

From the way that Jo brings it up and Greta’s reaction to it being brought up, it seems to clearly be a joke between them. We lack any context for its origin, and with hindsight of knowing about Greta and Jo’s queerness, it seems and odd thing to bring up to a stranger. At least it does at first glance.

As a reminder, immediately before Jo brought up Hendricks Johnson (whoever that is), Greta was listing off the various places she’s supposedly from, and she’s doing this specifically after Carson seemed impressed about the prospect of her being from New York. Greta immediately downplays the extent that she’s from New York, but then starts bragging about other places she’s from. “Paris, which is in France. Ever heard of it?”

Greta’s tone is bragging here, but there’s more than a bit of playfulness. She’s turning around while walking to smile at Carson and see her reaction. Then Jo jumps in to bring up this man that Greta supposedly dated, but definitely did not actually because that man doesn’t exist. Greta is instantly amused by Carson, instantly seems to be checking her out and interested in her. Maybe she even clocks her completely right here, and she goes straight into trying to get to the bottom of that (intentional wording). Jo is the one that slows her down and this happens out in the open with no one watching ever knowing the wiser, unless they are already in the know.

But maybe Jo doesn’t bring this up just to cover for Greta’s lack of absolute discretion. Or maybe Greta simply takes an opportunity, because after revealing that she dated this fake lollipop kid, she leans in close to Carson and adds some details.

She says that he was the one that actually handed the lollipop, but gets cut off before saying to who. It’s obvious that she was going to say Dorothy, but doesn’t get the chance to actually say that name, and after Jo interrupts, the conversation never gets picked up again. In fact, the Wizard of Oz doesn’t get brought up again at all until episode six. That episode deals heavily in Wizard of Oz references, from opening to ending scenes, but the first time in the entire season when someone finally says Dorothy’s name is in this specific context:

Here, Carson is very blatantly asked if she’s queer using that phrase. The name Dorothy is explicitly linked with queerness. Relate this back to the first episode when one of the first things that Greta tries to talk quietly to Carson about is Dorothy, but she gets interrupted before getting the chance to actually do so. It’s unlikely that Greta would have actually asked the question of Carson right there in the street, only a handful of minutes after meeting her, but it's part of a long build up to eventually asking that question. All of this is happening in Carson’s point of view, in her storyline, and the only context in which Dorothy is every brought up in her storyline is in reference to queerness.

Greta and Jo have built up a lie that specifically allows them to bring up Dorothy (which the show tells us is associated with queerness) while also protecting Greta from being outed, as it's in the context of her dating a man. It gives anyone who hears that story the chance to show some sign of recognition at the name Dorothy and convey some connection to it, but to anyone else it's just a story. It’s a very subtle way of beginning to advertise their queerness without actually doing so. It protects them from having to be the first to out themselves to other queer people.

This is only a few minutes into the show at all and even less time since we’ve been introduced to Greta, but it's an immediate reflection of who she is as a character. She flirts. She brags. She lies, but she lies in extremely specific ways. She lies by exclusion to play into people’s assumptions about her without saying anything outright, and she lies outright to protect herself from being outed as a lesbian. And Jo is there to help her as she does this.

This scene on the street ends with Greta flirting with some soldiers to get cigarettes for herself, Jo, and Carson. This is something she does in a pretty showy way, and then makes clear to Carson that she was only getting cigarettes for all of them. She’s putting on a show for Carson while giving the appearance to anyone not in the know that she’s into men, including Carson herself if she’s not actually a friend of Dorothy.

Then Greta notices the wedding ring and immediately points it out. She asks Carson what her husband thinks of her playing baseball and she listens and watches as Carson talks about it. Just looking at her expression, she is clearly intrigued by Carson. We don’t know what she’s thinking about when Carson is talking about her husband, but she’s clearly having some thought. When the camera shows Carson, you can see Jo looking at Greta and occasionally nodding or making a face to something Carson says. Then Greta declares, “This is really boring,” and they continue on to tryouts.

This is our first look at Greta, and it actually reveals a lot more that it might seem. She likes to impress. She likes to tell stories that make people–particularly random female baseball players–think she’s impressive. She obscures details and outright lies to protect herself, but will still flirt while doing it. And she’s with Jo.

The first time and really the entire time we see Greta this episode, she’s not alone. Jo is there to chime in. Jo is there to hold her suitcase when she goes to get cigarettes. Hell, Jo is even telling her where to go from the first shot we have of them, because Jo is the one with the map. It’s always Greta and Jo. Carson is the tagalong in this instance.

As the episode moves on, we see Greta keeping up this demeanor if not quite as obviously. She makes sure to wave to Mr. Baker. She winks at Carson at tryouts and continues to keep her around for no apparent reason. And she is always with Jo. When all of the other girls are readying for bed, she, Jo, and Carson are there but not really interacting much with the other girls. Jo and Greta seem to be talking to each other and Carson seems to be more or less there. It might be assumed that she’s being humored, except whenever Carson tries to go off on her own, Greta and Jo go after her.

Greta and Jo come into Carson’s room uninvited and Greta asks to cut Carson’s hair. When Carson allows it, it seems like Jo’s gone and it's just Carson and Greta. This is the first time Carson is alone with Greta, but keep in mind that we haven’t seen Greta alone yet. She comes into the room with Jo and we don’t see when she and Carson eventually part ways for the night. There isn’t actually an instance of Greta being actually alone this entire episode.

What we do see is that in this scene, Greta sneaks a peak at what Carson had been writing on the first indication that she’s not being watched. On an initial viewing, the assumption most viewers would likely have is that she’d read it and keep the fact that she read it to herself. Maybe she will bring it up sometime down the line when she thinks she has some way to use the information, but that isn’t what happens. Literal seconds after reading it, she reveals what she’s done.

As soon as Greta reads what Carson wrote and decides it fits the assumption that she had of Carson, she immediately admits that she read it. She doesn’t ask Carson to explain what is going on with her or what exactly she meant by “There’s something wrong with me…” She expresses interest in Carson’s story, but frames it as something actually interesting to her. She doesn’t ask the question in a way that suggests she finds it amusing or wants to make fun of Carson for it. She sounds genuinely interested.

While Carson is initially hesitant to share anything–not the least because she doesn’t exactly get what’s going on with herself–Greta’s interest gets her to reveal details pretty quickly. It’s more than safe to assume that Greta has been picking up hints of queerness from Carson this entire day, and she read Carson’s note and found it to verify her assumptions. If she isn’t completely certain of Carson’s queerness at this point, she knows its a possibility, and one getting stronger and stronger as she learns about Carson. So instead of hiding the fact that she looked at the note, she tells Carson. Because Greta doesn’t like hiding. Not in herself or in others, especially when it comes to people like Carson. I’ll explain what I mean by that in a moment.

The more Greta learns about Carson and the more sure she is that she clocked Carson correctly, the more sympathetic and encouraging she is. She pushes Carson to explain exactly what she wants and to not second guess chasing that. She encourages Carson to stay on her chosen path to the point where she’s helping Carson write the letter to Charlie. Specifically, she’s making sure that Carson writes the letter clearly, that her feelings are made evident and concise. She makes sure that Carson uses nice paper and a pen with a flex nib–which indicates a focus on nice handwriting if you’re not a freak who knows about pen nibs like me. The letter appears thought out and perfect so that it can’t seem hastily done and dismissed as a panicked response from Carson feeling weird about running away.

All of this happens on the first day that Greta knows Carson. It seems odd, especially for someone like Greta who gives an appearance of someone who’s worldly and who doesn’t care about things like books and whatever farm Carson is from (she’s not from a farm). Greta doesn’t initially seem like someone interested in taking in a farm girl she found on the street and helping her find herself. So let’s reframe Greta’s actions up to this point a bit.

Greta and Jo have just arrived in Chicago and while on their way to baseball tryouts, find a woman following them. Unlike literally every woman on the street around them, this one is wearing a jumpsuit and a baseball hat and clearly looks lost. When Jo confronts her, Carson stammers and tries to brush it off. She tries to fade back into the background and go unseen, and would very likely try to keep following them regardless. Greta watches this and you can visibly see her expression change as she realizes that the person following them is a scraggly little farm girl (though she isn’t actually from a farm) dressed to play baseball and clearly clueless on how to get around the city. Greta sees someone with something very visibly in common with her and Jo, but who’s trying to remain unseen and doesn’t seem to know what she’s doing. So, Greta invites her to just tag along, because she’s going to be there anyway.

Then Greta spends the rest of this first day with Carson doing two things. First, she draws attention to herself but in very specific ways. She makes herself prominent in Carson’s view, but remains in control of exactly how she’s seen and what Carson learns about her. Second, she does her very best to draw out the hidden details from Carson. She sees Carson trying to hide herself physically and emotionally, and she nudges her out of that inclination. She finds a woman like her in at least one way, sees her alone and tells her to come along and follow her and Jo. Once Carson makes that choice and it remains looking like she wants to be there, Greta doesn’t let her isolate or hide herself again.

This is all a very long winded look at Greta’s complicated relationship with visibility and isolation. This is only a handful of hours in her life, coming from the point of view of Carson, but here we see Greta is never alone. Greta thrives being seen and controlling how she’s seen. She actively makes sure to be getting the attention she wants at every public moment, and she does not like finding people that are struggling to do as she does. Especially when those people seem to at least in some way be part of her crowd; people like her. When it comes to people like her struggling in some way, Greta’s instinct is always to take matters into her own hand. She puts herself out there so that they are a bit less hidden and alone, and she does her very best to keep it that way.

A World of Complications

In a perfect world, Greta would not have any issues making herself known and finding comfort in the presence of others. In even a more comfortable imperfect world, there might be struggles but it wouldn’t be impossible. Greta Gill lives in a world where she is aware of what she wants, but she’s also aware that it's impossible to obtain. For all that she hates hiding, not controlling her image, and being alone, it is impossible to achieve all freedom from all of these things.

When the Peaches make their way to Rockford, they are arriving in a much more permanent residence. With any degree of permanence, Greta’s actions start to change some. She revels in the company of her new teammates, but she doesn’t make any obvious alliances with anyone other than Jo. She and Jo came onto the team as an established relationship (something that is clearly known by the team) but she doesn’t make any new close friendships in an obvious way. At the bar, she does go to talk to Carson twice, but Lupe also talks to Carson and Greta can be seen talking to Jess and others. Even walking to the bar, she stayed by Shirley rather than anyone else she was more familiar with. It's not obvious what is going on there, as the only person that Greta sticks to at the bar is Jo. She leaves Jo when Carson is sitting alone, but once Jo is dancing alone, she leaves Carson alone again. To anyone watching, Jo is the most important person there to Greta. She dances with Jo. She always returns to Jo once she’s bounced around talking to various teammates. Jo is the most important person to Greta, which does help hide the fact that she’s flirting with Carson publicly.

At this point, Greta is still in control of how she’s viewed by strangers. She isn’t seen in the corner flirting with Carson and taking her hand to lead her to a storage closet. She’s seen as the person loudly joking with Jo and dancing weirdly. This is evident by the fact that when Clance and Max see the Peaches dancing strangely and pointing it out, its Jo and Greta they’re seeing.

Greta is clearly trying to be seen, to be public (she was the one that had the Peaches go out in the first place), but to also get what she wants. And what she wants just happens to be something that isn’t allowed and would put her and others in danger. So she tries to balance those needs. She has fun with a crowd around her and is showy as she wishes. Then, when she’s finally sure about Carson’s queerness and attraction to her, she goes somewhere dark and hidden to do something about that. She’s careful to control exactly who sees her doing what at this point, but there’s a problem with that.

Because this shot is from Max's point of view.

While Max doesn’t actually pose a threat to Greta and Carson, this still illustrates a problem. For all that Greta does the absolute most to control how she presents herself, what she says and does in public and with who, she cannot account for everything. There is always the random coincidence that can get her caught and there is nothing she can do to account for that, except to never kiss Carson in the first place.

Now, Greta never finds out that she was seen, and so goes about with the assumption that all is fine. This, if anything, illustrates how flawed her planning and rules are. Because while she’s following the rules and is going to places of supposed isolation, that still isn’t enough to have absolute control. She leaves the bar on the arm of a man she doesn’t even know the name of to avoid being outed, when she’s in the alley with someone who could absolutely out her and she is completely unaware of it.

We don’t see Greta have to acknowledge her lack of control here, so she seems almost arrogant in how much she doesn’t realize this. However, as the show goes on, it's made more and more clear just how aware she actually is. She’s the first person that recognizes Vivienne Hughes as someone to impress, and then proceeds to make herself seen by Vivienne at practice. During Charm School, she still tries to impress Vivienne more than is really necessary for her own sake, since she is not in danger at Charm School depsite actually being one of the queers they wouldn’t want around. Jo says that they should suck up to her and Greta seems to do exactly that. And it works.

At the first game, Vivienne notes that Greta is “lovely” where no other girl gets that comment. During Charm School, Greta is able to save Jess from being sent home. Had Greta not made an impression on Vivienne, that may not have been possible. Greta immediately recognizes that she needs to not just be acceptable to this woman, but to be known and viewed as someone pleasant and lovely. It keeps her safe and it keeps people connected to her safe, like Jess in this instance.

Being seen is important to Greta. It’s the basic key to her survival. She wants to be seen on the arm of man. She wants to be seen by Vivienne. Her plans when she’s done playing baseball is to go to California (with Jo) to be in pictures. She plans on being a movie star, where her appearance and social life would only be more on wide display and up to the approval of her employers, especially in this era of Hollywood and the studio system. She is planning to get into a career that will force her into an even more artificial and performative public image, and it would make her known world wide if she succeeded. The eyes of the world would be on her and she would have to meet their approval. Even given that every moment of her life is already a performance to some degree, it still seems an odd choice for a lesbian who is seeking safety from public scrutiny or persecution. But then again, maybe it's the best choice she could make.

A handful of actors are mentioned in this season of the show. Jimmy Stewart, Cary Grant, Katharine Hepburn, Vivian Leigh, Paulette Goddard, Josephine Baker, Lena Horne, and Judy Garland are all of the names I could find (excluding Hendricks Johnson, who does not exist). Before I get into this point, let me preface this by saying that I am not going to get into specific identities and all of these claims come with varying degrees of certainty from person to person, and I won’t get into who is definitely what and who is just a maybe. I think it's pretty gross to assign labels to dead people and focus too hard on what they possibly did in their private lives. That being said, all of the claims I found were at least somewhat credible and more than just random unsubstantiated rumors. Now, let’s look at these names.

Cary Grant, Vivien Leigh, Katharine Hepburn, Paulette Goddard, and Josephine Baker all seem pretty credibly to have been some form of queer. We know of specific affairs with most of them that almost definitely happened. There are some claims of Lena Horne being a queer, but I wouldn’t say there’s much proof of that from what I can see. What there is clear proof of is that one of the closest relationships she’s had is her friendship with an openly gay man. And you don’t have to look too far before you start seeing her listed as a “gay icon,” like another notable on this list. Jimmy Stewart probably wasn’t queer, but the studio sure thought he was and made him prove he wasn’t (by making him go to a brothel, yes, Hollywood has always been very fucked). And Judy Garland is Judy Garland. What more needs to be said about Judy.

Every single actor that was mentioned in this show (who actually exists) is in some way associated with queerness. Again, I’m not going to sit here and say with absolute certainty who was and wasn’t queer, but these names have that association with them. They’re names that were highly regarded at the time and still are today. They’re very public figures and also ones that are queer either by actually being queer or by their association with queer culture (though not necessarily during this time period). This is the world that Greta wants to get into.

Now, Greta probably wouldn’t know the extent of the queerness in Hollywood at the time. It wasn’t exactly public knowledge, but given the extent of her travels and the specific places she claims she’s been, it's not impossible that she might have some idea. If she found herself in the right queer circles in, say, Paris or New York, she might have learned some things about certain celebrities or at the very least heard rumors.

Regardless, being a public figure like this would change things for her. It’d open doors to queer circles that these celebrities exist in. Circles that would be safer and more protected than what average queer people have. They have more money and influence. They have notoriety. Cops are much less likely to raid somewhere that the most famous people in the world are going to have queer relationships than they are to raid a bar full of normal queer people. If she were caught as a famous actor, she wouldn’t likely get beaten or worse as a result. She would have money to ensure privacy and independence. And not only would she be protected, people connected to her or associated with her would likely benefit from that status as well.

This freedom is what is alluring to Greta, and she can get it by becoming extremely public facing, famous, and wealthy. When Vivienne Hughes talks about her own form of independence through wealth (and fixating on public image), it's clear that this is what Greta wants.

Greta asks at least partially because she wants to suck up to Vivienne, like Jo suggested. She might have also been trying to get attention away from Carson and the others taking Charm School less seriously, as Vivienne had been scolding Carson before Greta noses herself into the conversation, but Greta’s interest in the answer seems genuine. She smirks when Vivienne gives her the answer, and you can see her afterward looking to Jo excitedly, and then again still smiling after Vivienne when she’s walking away and can no longer see Greta’s expression.

Now, Greta was always going to take Charm School seriously, but after this, we cut immediately to her following Vivienne and showing off. She makes a point to say that she’s single, hopes that the right man is out there for her, and flirts with Mr. Baker Jr. a little. Whether or not she’s safe, Greta goes out of her way to make herself seem pleasant and available.

All of this is to make it absolutely clear that Greta actively seeks attention. She wants to be seen and noticed and remembered. It is a very specific and at least partially artificial version of herself that she allows to be seen, but Greta Gill is not someone who wants to go unnoticed or hide herself in order to live the life she wants in safety. Instead, she hides in plain sight, making herself entirely visible, but making sure that it's a false version of herself that people see. The real version is allowed to move about unnoticed.

And this is actively self preservation, but it wouldn’t be fair to call it just that, because it isn’t just Greta that benefits from her being noticed. Keep in mind that the entire time she’s been traveling, it's been with Jo. While they’re both gay, Jo is more visibly queer than Greta and in a way that most society wouldn’t easily accept. But if Greta is there, taking the attention, then Jo is less likely to be noticed as anything other than connected to Greta. If Greta is seen and liked, then Jo’s safe. This sort of protection by association instinct happens in Charm School when Greta saves Jess, and when she distracts Vivienne from correcting Carson too harshly. Greta is completely out in the open, lying about herself, yes, but also exposed so that the other queer people in her life go through with minimal notice.

It doesn’t always go as well as it does in Charm School. Visibility has its costs, and that’s seen in their first game. While all of the girls put up with sexist comments by the announcer (and racists ones too in Lupe’s case), Greta is the first person to get catcalled. But that makes sense. She’s the most noticeable, not just because she’s the tallest, but because she makes herself noticeable and is always performing to keep attention on her. She waves to the crowd and puts on a show to make herself be seen, and to be seen as pleasant and lovely. Greta is the one actively doing the most for the team’s image, and it's noticed. So the first time when she is up to bat, separated from the rest of her team, she is the one a man decides to target with disgusting sexual comments.

In front of everyone–her team, the rival team, the crowd of spectators, and all of the people in charge of the league–a random man starts sexually harassing her. Greta tries to smile and perform through it, but she is clearly affected. Not only do we see her struggling to put on a good face, but she strikes out almost immediately.

And no one does anything about it.

Greta, who makes a point of making herself seen, of being the one that’s noticed, gets verbally abused in front of a literal crowd, and she doesn’t get the slightest bit of help. People are shocked and disgusted, but no one steps in and saves Greta from being humiliated.

Maybe the saddest part about this is that Greta doesn’t even really seem to expect help. She’s in front of a crowd, but in a completely isolated position when it comes to allies. The most she does to react is stare at the man heckling her, but she doesn’t say or do anything. She doesn't look around for help, she just tries to smile and get through it. She truly does not know what to do, because her way of staying safe has always been to be noticed. Now, being noticed is what made her the target of this man’s catcalls. When she looks him dead in the eye, making it absolutely clear that she’s seeing him, he only continues and makes the comments worse.

Greta doesn’t actually know what to do when she’s the target like this. Her self preservation instincts don’t help in situations like this, and she’s in a situation where being perceived as anything but pleasant will only make things worse. So she doesn’t try to defend herself. She just gets through it and then moves on. We don’t actually see Greta react to the abuse until it's Jo being targeted.

She doesn’t even let herself show anger until it’s Jo that’s the target. Then, she yells at the man and is the first person to try to stop them. She gets stopped before she can say much, but she is willing to make a scene to protect Jo’s feelings while she wouldn’t do the same for herself. This could be the accumulation of what she just experienced finally building to a point where she has enough, but given how clearly Greta seems to need to protect by putting herself in the spotlight, I don’t think it’s only that.

The spotlight is not an easy place, but it's where Greta seems to think she has the most control. She’s shown here how untrue that is in this world. She does nothing to defend herself or protect herself, but does speak up as to protect Jo and she’s rewarded for that by having Vivienne reprimand her. She’s told she’s “too much” and needs to be sweeter, but when she was doing exactly that and doing it perfectly, she was allowed to be publicly humiliated. The men were only stopped because Dove finally went to talk to them after Greta made a scene for Jo. And she’s told that she can’t even do that to protect her only friend.

With this additional public humiliation, Greta does something we haven’t seen her do up until this point. She goes off to be alone.

Moments where Greta is alone in the show are extremely rare and short, largely because we usually get Greta through Carson’s point of view, but we don’t even really see indications of her being alone often. Where we do get indications that she is alone or going somewhere by herself, it is generally a very unpleasant situation for Greta. In this case, she’s going to cry by herself in the locker room.

When we see Greta there, it’s because Carson came into the room to put away her catcher gear. We don’t know how long she’s been there or what she’s done between going off and being found. What is clear is that she didn’t want to be seen, for the first time in the show.

Carson finds her and she quickly tries to hide the fact that she’s been crying and comes up with an excuse for why she’s here. Even when Carson clearly knows that she’s crying and tries to comfort her, Greta can’t really let that happen. Instead of commiserating with Carson, the most vulnerability she allows is admitting that she “really let them get to” her, and saying that when she really wants something it doesn’t seem to work out. When Carson tries to sympathize, Greta turns that around. She starts reassuring Carson at the first inclination of Carson feeling upset.

Greta’s pain and problems are put upfront by the narrative initially, but Greta doesn’t allow that to be acknowledged. She quickly turns the attention on Carson and even wipes Carson’s eye as if she had been the one crying and not Greta. She tries to take back control of her image as the one that reassures and protects and helps. She isn’t the one that needs help. She needs to protect others because that is how she stays in control. By staying in control of her image, she can protect those around her. Looking at Greta’s actions closely makes it increasingly clear why both of those motivations are present as the season continues.

The Rules

Greta and Jo have rules to protect themselves. We don’t know specifically what all of those rules are, but we know some hints. When it comes to her romances, Greta doesn’t act close to them in public. She doesn’t go on dates. She doesn’t go to queer spaces close to home. She doesn’t go places people know about to hook up. She makes sure she’s seen with a man when she starts a relationship. To Carson, she says this last one is a rule to protect herself, but let’s pose this question: when has Greta ever expressed concern for herself and her own safety?

Because, she hasn’t actually, except in that one moment. Let’s look at what she does do. When she kisses Carson the first time, she leaves quickly and goes home with a random man and pushes back against Carson’s concerned questions, quickly distancing herself. She doesn’t even bring up the events to Carson until they’re practicing and Greta is at bat with Carson catching. She doesn’t seek out Carson and waits for them to end up semi-alone, then asks if Carson got home alright when she was the one that went home with a random man. Then when she and Carson are actually getting together, she constantly makes sure that she and Carson are only alone in places where no one knows about. She won’t even let an owl watch them, and when there is even a hint of someone nearby, Greta leaves first and leaves Carson to follow afterward.

It does seem paranoid and self preservative, but let’s look at reasons why she starts breaking the rules. When Carson is having a hard time with Lupe, Greta steps in more than once to defend Carson. When Carson is clearly stressed, she starts taking Carson to a known location (Bev’s car) to hook up. She lets Carson talk her into the date and then into going to the bar despite previously saying they were too risky.

Greta may desire to do all of these things and more, but she never gives into the dates or hook ups that break the rules until Carson wants them. She isn’t even asked to help Carson in the Lupe situation, she just does it when she sees Carson having problems. Breaking the rules does eventually overwhelm her until she snaps at Carson for supposedly always coming to Greta with her problems.

Now, it is absolutely true that Greta and Carson always talk about Carson’s problems, but as the scene in the locker room shows, that’s largely because Greta doesn’t allow otherwise. She is the one always asking Carson about what’s bothering her and trying to fix it, and when Carson shows the slightest sign of trying to do the same, Greta doesn’t allow it. She all but runs from even acknowledging that she could be in pain or danger or might need help. Because Greta doesn’t see herself as the one that gets hurt.

When Greta eventually tells Carson about Dana, we see this is why she’s been upset and snapped at Carson. She and Carson haven’t been as careful as she thinks they should be and she’s been allowing it. She’s also clearly been falling more and more for Carson, and considering this more than just a short fling. And Carson reminds her of Dana, who had fallen in love with and who was hurt because Greta wasn’t careful. Greta, though, was fine.

Greta’s entire character motivations can really be explained by her intense survivor’s guilt. She was fine, she says. Maybe she wasn’t the one that was put away and tortured in an institution, but Greta is far from fine.

Greta is obsessed with protecting people around her. People like her. Whether that be Jo who she calls her only real friend. Or Carson who she just met off the street, immediately clocked, and decided she couldn’t leave to fend for herself. Or Jess who is her new roommate and never had to worry about passing until now. Or later Carson again, who she’s started to have genuine feelings for. With her queer friends, she puts herself in prominence to take the attention and protect them. When it comes to her romantic partners, she has all the self imposed rules that she follows to protect them, because when she stopped being careful before, Dana got hurt. And she’s terrified of seeing people she loves, people like her, get hurt.

The point of the rules isn’t to stop Greta from being hurt. That’s what she tells people, and that might be what even Jo thinks. But in truth, they’re to stop Greta from hurting people. Because that’s what Greta thinks happens when she isn’t careful and in complete control of her visibility. This is all the more clear when breaking the rules does endanger someone.

In Plain Sight

As established, Greta is hardly ever alone in the series. When she is, it’s always in moments of pain, frustration or otherwise negative emotions. When she’s alone, it's always a struggle, as she’s confronting some kind of vulnerability that she doesn’t know how to deal with, and honestly can’t by herself. She’s not good at being alone and doesn’t seem to like it anyway.

Yet at the same time, she cannot be genuine in crowds or public spaces. She is always putting on an act, a performance. But you see her really wanting to drop it. Throughout the season, as her relationship with Carson gets more and more real, we see Greta making more and more public hints at acknowledging it. She makes playful comments at Carson with the entire team around, making Carson wish her luck or saying she “almost got lucky” when she was almost roomed at Carson (it’s supposed to be assumed that she’s talking about the card game she’s playing, but she’s looking at Carson quite obviously) She making very curious “oooh” sounds when Carson is more assertive and almost holds hands with Carson on the bus.

It’s like she almost can’t help herself, but every time she does this, she seems genuinely happy. Even when she is expressing disappointment in not getting to room with Carson there’s a little smirk to her. She enjoys these little moments of publicized honesty, even if there’s no way of anyone being able to see them for what they really are. Actually because of that, she never quite gets to the moment of fully realized joy in them, because they still have to be subtle enough not to be noticed. She gets closer to absolute genuine joy when she’s in relative privacy with those she can be true with, whether than be intimate moments with Carson or just being around the other queer Peaches at home once they’re all out to each other.

These are still rather isolated places, however, or places where she has to be somewhat on guard. There is only one point in the show where Greta is able to be completely honest and drop her performance for five minutes. The result is the moment where I believe is the only place Greta shows absolute, honest, unrelenting joy.

It’s when Greta is at the bar.

Screenshots don’t really do the scene justice, so I really recommend watching her expressions in this scene or checking out gifs of it (like the set linked here). Greta’s expression here is why I started writing this in the first place. We never see her looking like this at any other point in the season.

She’s not trying to look charming. She’s not trying to appeal to anyone in this room. She’s not trying to look poised and collected and available, because she’s not and this is the first place we see her where she can be honest about that. She’s here with Carson, with Jo, and surrounded by people like her for the only time in the season. We know that Greta hates being alone, and hates hiding. This is the first time we see her out in the open and not hiding while doing so. These five minutes are the only five minutes we see Greta Gill in absolute bliss.

And unfortunately, we know how this ends.

The one time we really see Greta getting everything she wants, it's violently taken away, and it results in Jo getting hurt and forced to leave for another team. That’s not even mentioning all of the other people that got hurt or worse at the bar. It validates everything she believes; every concern or fear she’s ever admitted. When she wants something, it doesn’t turn out right. When she isn’t careful, she’s fine, but people she cares about–people like her–get hurt.

The Isolation of Greta Gill

When Greta is alone, it’s always an unpleasant situation. She’s being catcalled while at bat. She’s crying in the locker room. She’s cursing in frustration in Bev’s car after fighting with Carson. In episode 7, we see the absolute worst of this.

After the bar gets raided, Jo leaves. Then Charlie comes and Carson leaves with him. Jess and Lupe are out looking for Esti, meaning that not only does Greta not even have a roommate in this moment, she doesn’t have anyone who understands the depths of what just happened. Her only real friend is gone. Her lover’s gone. The only other people who know that she’s queer and would understand the danger she was just in, are gone. Greta is surrounded by women in this house, and yet she is the most alone she’s ever been and it's at the absolute worst time.

And it's not just that she’s alone, it's that it doesn’t seem like she’s ever going to get any of them back. She tried to get Jo to leave with her, and Jo refused to go because she was tired of running away for Greta. She knows that Carson isn’t going to give up her comfortable life after the night they just had, and that’s before Carson’s husband showed up and Carson left with him. Any reassurance to Greta that she isn’t a walking time bomb to everyone she cares about has come up hollow at this point.

Now, before we look at Greta’s reaction to this, let’s look back a little. First, let’s look at how Greta viewed her and Carson’s relationship. To Greta, it was always supposed to be a fling, not a long term relationship. She tells Carson this outright.

After Carson asks Greta if she’s been with a lot of women, and with a lot of married women specifically, Greta tells her that it can be good for her marriage. She doesn’t pose herself as a rival to Charlie, and doesn’t even let that be a possibility here. She tells Carson that at the end of the season, they’ll go their separate ways, and this will just have been a fun fling for them.

You can, however, read into both of their reactions to them. We don’t see them continue to talk after this and it feels somewhat awkward. Carson seems almost disappointed and Greta puts a grape in her mouth which she seems overly focused on eating. Before this subject even came up, Greta seemed to be holding back what she felt. When Carson is laughing, before telling her that she’s beautiful, Greta looks like she’s bracing for something.

Greta isn’t getting attached. She’s not even letting that be a possibility at this point. We don’t really have an idea of how many women Greta has been with, much less how many of those were married, but she makes it clear that it's a lot. From the way she talks about it, those relationships always seem to be flings. She doesn’t even consider the possibility of anything else with Carson, and the only time we ever hear her talk about being in love is when she’s mentioning Dana. If she’s had serious long term relationships since Dana, then we have no way of knowing but we do know that they clearly didn’t last because Greta’s here. And also because we know that Greta is always on the move. She’s “from all over.”

So when she’s in relationships like the one she tried to have with Carson, Greta is the third wheel there. She’s not expecting or asking for any kind of commitment. She’s not even going to be staying around. They’re adventures. Everyone at the end will go home with just the memories, but that’s another problem for Greta, isn’t it?

Because the thing about Greta is that she’s from all over. She and Jo have been traveling the world together for a long time. We know that Jo’s grandma kicked her out, but we don’t know specifically what happened with Greta’s family. We do know two things. First, we know that despite Greta initially being hesitant to tell Carson that she’s from New York, she does eventually admit that she is.

We also know that they seem to be trying to avoid Greta’s mom, since even now Greta doesn’t want her to know where they are.

Lastly, we know that Greta was only 17 when she was with Dana, and the fallout of that seemed to put them at some risk and is what lead to her and Jo becoming concerned with following rules and being careful.

They’re running from their pasts as much as they’re traveling to see the world, and their pasts seem to be in New York. That is where they met as kids. That’s probably where Greta’s relationship with Dana happened, and it’s also probably where Greta’s mom still is and probably Jo’s family too. Greta never let herself consider anything more than a fling, because she has to run from what happened in New York. She doesn’t seem to keep in touch with anyone, much less the women she had affairs with because she tells Carson she only has one actual friend. Up until this point, Greta always had Jo along. So even if she could never have a genuine long lasting romantic relationship with a woman and had to constantly move to avoid danger, she always had her very real and strong friendship with Jo. Until Jo refused to go with her.

With Jo leaving her behind, this is the first time Greta is actually truly alone. Jo was the one relationship that Greta actually let be long term. Jo connected her to her past and knew all of what she was running and hiding from. Jo was always there when Greta was going somewhere. So when Greta leaves in episode 7, know that this is the first time in her life that she is actually alone.

By this point, I genuinely do not think Greta expected Carson to come and stop her from leaving. She was quite literally at a breaking point, and saw herself ruining every relationship she had just by being there. She survived everything, just to end up standing completely alone, and if she attempted to stick around like everything was normal, things would just proceed to fall apart around her and more people would get hurt. That’s what always happens.

Because Greta doesn’t see the people she helps. She doesn’t really even think about the fact that she saved Jess until Carson brings it up, and even then she doesn’t give herself credit for it. She doesn’t consider that she helped Carson stick around long enough to discover herself and what she wanted. Greta does these things by just performing as she’s supposed to. She doesn’t see that as a choice or a good deed. All she sees is that people get hurt whenever she tries to get something she wants, and in the end, she’s by herself.

Back to New York

So what does all of this mean for Greta in the end? Honestly, I have no idea, but there’s the seed of something there. We know Greta changes her plans of going to California when she gets an offer to work for Vivienne. She decides to go to New York instead, which is notable because not only is she going there alone, she’s probably taking an enormous risk going to New York.

We don’t know if she’s been there since she left, but it’s probably where the mom she doesn't want to find her is.. It’s probably where Jo’s family is and Dana’s, and all of the bad history she’s spent her whole life running from. She is choosing to go back there, and not only that, she asked Carson to go with her.

Not only was she willing to return there, she was willing to take someone she loves there and have a long term romantic relationship. Before when she tried to go off alone, she was running to isolate herself for the sake of others. Now, she’s going because she genuinely seems to want this job and she’s willing to be with Carson there. Potentially around people who know more about her than any of her social performances could mask.

But of course, we know that Carson doesn’t go. There’s a bittersweet kind of feeling there, but it does seem to be good for Greta at this moment. Because this is going to be the first time that Greta is truly going off by herself, and she’s doing something that she wants to do. She’s not going there to perform for the pictures or run away from some romance gone wrong. She’s going back somewhere where she and her loved ones had been in danger, because she wants to. Because there's opportunity there that she wants to pursue for herself. This is the first time we see Greta Gill doing something she wants for entirely her own sake, and I do think that for now, she does have to do it alone.

Because her relationship with Carson didn’t just open Greta up romantically. Like Greta had done with her, Carson gave Greta permission to go for what she wanted. Whether that be the possibility of a long term relationship, a career where she’s asked to be herself, or just the ability to face her past and stop running. Regardless of what she wants, she needs to figure that out for herself, alone.

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kadenastudio · 5 years

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this is soo cute!!

Primrose (Cordelia x Reader) Part 3

Summary:

Reader just arrived to the academy for young ladies, she met her new roommate and we discover a few things about reader.

Trust me, the last place I would picture myself living is in a school with a bunch of girls with uncontrollable hormones. But it was where I had to be taken to be able to control my powers, I was nervous mainly because I was used to being alone and not be surrounded with people, let alone girls, they get so annoying and I don’t think I can tolerate it. I guess anything is better than the hell hole I used to live at. You sighed as you talked to yourself while entering the gates of Miss Robichaux’s Academy for exceptional young ladies. “Lady” you said under your breath, as if I fit into that description, you smirked.

“Did you say something my dear?” the red headed middle age lady spoke with a softness in her voice. “It was nothing Mrs. Snow.” You assured her. “Please, Darling. Call me Myrtle. Mrs. Snow makes me sound older than I am. You can never put a prefix on natural classical beauty.” She said as she took a drag out of her expensive cigarette. Myrtle put a hand on my left shoulder and you get startle a little, you don’t like being touched, as we headed toward the academies doors, “You’ll fit right in. I already have one of the girls assist you in getting to your room and show you around.” She smiled as she looked at you. You looked right back at her, worried, you really don’t want to deal with people, you are dreading this so bad. You nodded, letting her know you’re ready. The doors open by itself, you both walked in and the four albino body guards stay behind by the long black car.

“Here we go.” Myrtle pushes you to continue moving, as a blonde girl with dark brown eyes walks toward you. “Hello. I’m Cordelia, we’ve been expecting you. I’ll be showing you around.” Cordelia introduced herself in a well-mannered way, smiling, calmed. “My dear Delia, please show her to her room when you finish showing her around, even though she hardly has any luggage, I am sure she is tired from the trip.” The red head say as she walks away into one of the long arched rooms. “Follow me!” The blonde girl says while turning her back at you. “great” you sighed.

She shows you the living-room, kitchen, library, backyard, and walks you through the greenhouse, “This is my favorite room in the house.” She motions for you to go in and look. “a room full of plants?” you asked, “It’s not just plants, you can feel magic flowing in and out of this room. It’s soothing, to me atleast.” She smiles and continues guiding you through the house. -

“And here is your room, your bed should be the one by the window.” Cordelia opens the door of your new bedroom. “There are six beds in there.” You state. “That is correct, we share bedrooms.” Cordelia reassures. “Are you sure there aren’t any with fewer people in the room…” your worried voice is noticed by her. “Y/N, you don’t have to worry about anything. We are very strict when it comes to sharing bathroom time, sleeping schedules and thievery.” You sighed. “Fine.” You entered the room and settled in. -

A new morning, bright, the sun shines through your window, the sound of 5 hysterical girls running around gossiping, getting ready is what woke you up. “I knew it” you mumbled to yourself. You get up and get ready for your day. -

You are heading toward Myrtle Snow’s office, you are determined to have a talk with the head of this establishment. You knock on the door. “Come in” the red head says loud and soft. “Oh Y/n, how are you liking our little humble abode?” she gets up from her chair and says as she welcomes you in, inviting you to sit. “Mrs. Sno-“ you get interrupted, “Myrtle” she corrects you. “Myrtle, I don’t know how much you know about me…” you try not to say too much, you don’t want to explain your past and why you are how you are. “and I don’t want to sound like I expect the best commodities, but I cannot be in a room with multiple people. It’s… I get uncomfortable when there are too many people around.” You lower your head, you don’t want to sound arrogant. “Darling, I know your past very well, and I can’t imagine what it would have been like. I am very glad you are here with us now, instead of-“ she paused as she saw the torment in your face, “Well, I am not going to bring that up, but we will have to deal with it later. I am sorry you are not happy with your new roommates, if you want, I can put you in a room with my dear Delia, currently that room can have up to three people but she’s alone there, I’m sure you’ll both appreciate it. Would that be better?” she goes back to her chair looking at some papers. “Yes”. At least it’ll be much quieter. -

You packed your stuff and got out of that crazed room, knocked on the door of your new room, the door slides open. Cordelia stands in front of the door looking at you with those deep brown eyes “Hey there, something wrong?” she looked intrigued as to why you would be knocking on her door. You took a deep breath “I am your new roommate, Mrs. Snow switched me.” Cordelia looked joyous at the thought of having a new roommate, Fiona wanted her to have her own room as the daughter of the Supreme should not have to share with lesser, and that made it a tad lonely for Cordelia. “Come right in!” Cordelia shouted.

You walked in and put your stuff on the bed near the wall, you smiled at the sound of nothing, silence, crickets outside, you loved it. “I like this, why do you have your own room? If I may ask” you asked shyly. Cordelia closed the door to the room and sat on her bed, explained to you all about her mother, without having to say she’s the Supreme. “Oh, that must be tough.” You said as you took things out of your backpack. “What about you? What’s your mother like?” Cordelia got comfortable in the middle of her bed, looking at you, excited to have someone to talk too at night. You stopped moving for a moment, looking at your backpack, thinking about what to reply. “I don’t know.” You said with a certain grieve in your voice and continued unpacking. “Oh.” Cordelia said, long silence. You felt the awkward breeze, you turn to her “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound…” you paused for a moment, “I didn’t knew my mother, I don’t really talk about it, so it’s difficult…” your heart felt achy so you put your hand to your chest, pressing your fingers in motion of clawing your heart out. Cordelia got up from her bed and walked up to you, she placed her hand on your shoulder, “it’s OK, I’m not going to bring it up again, but you can talk to me whenever you want to about anything.” She said with a smile that could warm any heart. You flickered at her touch, you didn’t like to be touched but you knew she wasn’t going to do anything to you. You looked to her and said “Thank you.” And nodded.

- -

“It’s been a month, you don’t let me get close to you, when I touch you you jerk away. What did I do?” Cordelia said annoyingly mad at you. “You wouldn’t understand, I’m sorry.” You were doing homework at a small desk beside your bed while she spoke behind you. “Help me understand, please.” Cordelias voice soften. “Why are you so interested in getting to know my head?” you turned towards her, “I’m not friend material, I have proven that yet you wont let it go.” You turned back to your paper. “We are roommates, bound to see each other we might as well try to coexist and learn about each other.” She sighed and sat on her bed staring at you, you felt the long pause and her gaze on you. “I’m not giving up you know.” She said playfully. “I noticed” you rolled your eyes and stopped what you are doing. If you tell her your past, what are you going to lose? She doesn’t seem like she goes around gossiping, so might as well do what she says. You sighed and turned to her. “alright.” She got excited and stared at you so deeply, you could feel your stomach having butterflies, what the hell is going on, you thought to yourself. “What do you want to know?” you immediately regretted this. “why don’t you like people touching you?” Of course she would start with that one. You took deep breathes.

(This might be difficult for some people, I don’t know… just warning)

“I grew up in foster care, my foster parents got arrested not long ago for child pornography, on which I wa-“ you paused, this isn’t something you enjoy talking about. You pressed your fingers against your thighs trying to grasp strength not to cry. Cordelias face realizing where you are heading and terror in her eyes, you looked at her and gave her a broken smile, “well, let’s just say when people touched me it wasn’t for support or sympathy, so I grew to dislike it.”, Cordelia immediately asked “Is that why you wont let me get close? Why you push people away?” you nodded agreeing. “I’ve never had friends, family… I don’t know what any of that is like. It’s difficult. So I am sorry if I might seem like a total bitch some times, but it’s better for you to stay away from me. Saves us both headaches.” You turned around back to your desk, you weren’t going to answer more questions, hoping she got the message. “That is not a good enough reason. I’m determine.” Cordelia reassures you. “ay caramba…” you said under your breath. This chick ain’t going to give up. -

The moon shines through the window of the room, beautifully light, stars all over the place. You and Cordelia are sitting beside each other, shoulder to shoulder, contemplating how beautiful the night looks. “Gosh, I wish this moment would last forever.” Cordelia said with sparkle in her eyes. “It’s been 8 months since I’ve been here and the night has always been this beautiful.” You told her. “I know, but when you are sitting with your best friend it makes it even better.” Cordelia winks at you. You could feel all these emotions and feelings whenever she’s around you, when she is close, you don’t understand why, this is not something you’ve planned and you don’t even know if she likes you. “I guess. Could of asked your other best-friends and let me sleep.” You scoffed, hoping to get a response that would let you know. “true, but it wouldn’t be like this.” She stared into the moon. “How?” you asked. She placed her head on your shoulder, silently, she did not reply, she just stayed there. You just placed yours on her and stayed there, complete silence. “Cordelia…” you said, you knew what you were gonna ask but you couldn’t control it, you wanted to let it be but you needed to know. “yes?” she didn’t move from her position. “I have been meaning to ask you something” your nervousness could be noticed. She lifted her head and looked at you, her face inches from you, you could see her looking at your eyes the your lips. “I..” you shocked, “I, well, you see-“ Cordelia without thinking leaned forward and kissed you. your eyes wide open, you froze, the warmth of her lips on such a cold night felt satisfying, nothing has ever felt better than this moment, you slowly placed your right hand on her cheek, and the other one was holding her. You closed your eyes and let your lips do the talking, she wasn’t stopping and neither were you. Your foreheads touching, eskimo kissing. “I can’t do that with my other friends.” Cordelia laughed. “I sure would hope not, otherwise I’ve had the concept of bestfriend way off” you said sarcastically.

“So, does this mean we’re girlfriends?” you asked.

“I guess we have no other choice, we sealed it.” Cordelia replied.

“Dang, I had my eyes on that Veronica girl.” You played with her.

Cordelia acted surprised and punched you softly on the shoulder. “Well she did told me she liked you..”

You gasped, “OK, bye.” You motioned to get up.

“Hey!” Cordelia grabbed you and pulled you down. “Do I have to fight for you?” she asked softly.

“I was yours the moment you started annoying me.” You laughed, and kissed her head. You knew everything would be fine.

“I knew it the moment you knocked on my door.” Cordelia whispered so softly and low that you didn’t truly heard it but she smiled.

Feedback please! should I continue these?

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