journalofsorts2

[journalofsorts2]

the thing i struggle the most with when drafting an animatic is finding a song to actually make it to. my autistic ass struggles so hard with metaphors and so trying to find a song where the lyrics match whatever im drawing is so hard because i have to deconstruct all the metaphors in the lyrics so they actually go with what i animate

[journalofsorts2]

the only purpose of the bottom rack on an oven is to burn my sweet treats

[journalofsorts2]

petition to bring back my access to a keyboard when in tablet mode on my laptop. i obviously can't type cause my keyboard is behind the screen but in windows 10 you used to be able to pull up and on screen keyboard and they got rid of that in windows 11 and im still seething

[journalofsorts2]

i think no matter how healthy i eat, no matter how skinny i get, no matter how "in shape" i am, i will always end up criticizing myself. i don't eat good now, but in my twisted mind, eating good is less than 500 calories a day, which is bullshit. but i chastize myself for having any sort of snack and having a meal that isn't absolutely chock full of veggies. it's gotten so bad that my mind doesn't even consider fruit a "health food" anymore. there's no winning and there never has been. i don't know how to break this train of thought and i know my relationship with food isn't healthy but i don't know where to go from here. i want to eat food i enjoy, i want to not care what the scale says, i want to not care if i'm out of shape, and most importantly, i want my dad to stop bringing up food and weight and exercise. i know he means well i really do, and he's not even being mean about it but all he ever says is things i have already been thinking about constantly. and all it really serves to do is confirm in my mind that other people notice how unhealthy and gross i am. and i don't know how to talk about my weight and diet without crying and i can't cry when i talk with him about issues i have about him because then i look like my mother and he has his whole assortment of issues there and shuts down and it's just really a no win situation.

[journalofsorts2]

i tried roller skating for the first time in like over half a year (im a lot better than i remember) but it was a lot hotter out than i expected and i tripped and fell into the rocks, i didn't get hurt or anything but my phone was in my pocket and my screen protector cracked, which like, normally who cares, but its kinda a shitty screen protector so it's all flaky and shit and now i have to genuinely get a new one if I don't want sharp plastic flakes scattered around. also the fall didn't hurt but it was terrifying cause one of my biggest fears is falls, no matter how small. one time at summer camp as a kid we were doing a trust fall exercise and i literally broke down sobbing because i couldn't bring myself to fall backwards on purpose, even if i knew someone i trusted would catch me. so half my roller skating sweating was because it was 90°~ degrees out with no wind, and the other half is because i was terrified anytime i got a little bit close to falling

[journalofsorts2]

I HATE THIS FUCKING GAME

nothing manages to piss me off more during splatfests than when im on the attacking tricolor team and im getting aggressively spawn camped but when the other attackers go for the ultra signal, they get it first try. STOP BEING FUCKING ASSHOLES AND SPAWN CAMPING AND PROTECT THE GOD DAMN ULTRA SIGNAL

[journalofsorts2]

nothing manages to piss me off more during splatfests than when im on the attacking tricolor team and im getting aggressively spawn camped but when the other attackers go for the ultra signal, they get it first try. STOP BEING FUCKING ASSHOLES AND SPAWN CAMPING AND PROTECT THE GOD DAMN ULTRA SIGNAL

[journalofsorts2]

IM SO FUCKING BAD AT MAKING CONVERSATION I HATE IT I HATE IT, LET ME TALK LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING I JUST WANT TO MAKE SMALL TALK

[journalofsorts2]

happy disbarment day to phoenix wright but also happy adoption day to trucy wright but also happy 13th anniversary to portal 2 i love you wheatley

[journalofsorts2]

one time at like 12-13 i had an extremely vivid dream of being pregnant and at the end i gave birth to my baby (but in like a non gross fantasy dream way, it just kinda popped out) and i got to hold it and then i woke up to the sun shining bright through my curtains and i have never in my life wanted to be pregnant more than that moment. for like a week afterwards i mourned this baby that wasn't real. and in reality terms, i never want to be pregnant, even before i realized i was trans. and i hate the idea of caring for a baby. a toddler is fine but i never want to be a parent to a baby. but i still remember this absolute tranquility i had in that dream.

#journalofsorts rants

[journalofsorts2]

man my sister has been kinda a lot more bitchy since she started high school. i've tried calling her on her behavior multiple times but it always gets turned back on me somehow. like when i hang out with her i start to feel like maybe i am genuinely a bad person cause anytime she does something shitty and im like "hey that was shitty" she's brings up something i do that's shitty, and y'know idk maybe there's is like a billion flaws with me that im oblivious to and i just actively make everyone's life worse. when i hang out with her i feel like that annoying kid in elementary school nobody wanted to genuinely be friends with again. i've spent so many years trying to run away from that feeling. i've spent so much effort trying to pretend like i exist in a world where i fit in. but ever since she started high school, i've been brutally reminded that i don't actually fit in. that i'm not normal. and it used to be that i could show her stuff i was interested in or thought was funny, and we could bond over it. but now anytime i show her something, it's and excuse to make fun of me. i want to talk to her about how i feel and i've tried multiple times, but it always just feels like i'm attacking her and playing the victim. i don't know how to express that someone has hurt me without feeling like my mother. she was not a victim in any sense of the word. but damn she was a good actor. any outsider would have an easy time believing she was the abused and not the abuser. and i don't want to be like her. because what if im just oblivious to the fact that i'm the problem? what if it's glaringly obvious to everyone else that my behavior is problematic and i just can't see it? and i think my problem is i'm too comfortable with my sister. with friends, it's much much easier to immediately pull back and shut up when i get the hint that i'm being annoying. but with my sister i feel comfortable with her and i don't know how to mask at home. i don't know how to bring my people-pleasing customer-service persona back into the house. what i really need is a break from her. i used to think that if me and my sister weren't siblings, we still would've been friends. but in recent years i've figured out i was incredibly optimistic. i need to not be around her for long enough that i forget what my problems with her were. i just really wish i were capable of shutting the fuck up once in a while. everytime i try my hand at being unapologetically me, i get pushed back into the the corner i was hiding in.

#journalofsorts rants

[journalofsorts2]

um'ami desperately needs a rework. i am so incredibly tired of being aggressively spawn camped on um'ami with literally no escape

[journalofsorts2]

apollo saying "evidence is everything in court" never fails to make me cry. kristoph was his mentor after all, it makes sense that his teachings will always be a part of apollo, whether he likes it or not.

[journalofsorts2]

my local grocery store is hiring and nowhere on the application does it say what availability they're looking for, and nowhere does it give me an option to put my availability. and so when they offered me an interview, i showed up and they had me wait 20 minutes just to immediately tell me they're only looking for morning shift people and to try again in 3 weeks. what a colossal waste of time

[journalofsorts2]

i really need to pick up writing again. people i know used to say i was pretty good at it, but it's been a while since i actually tried creative writing

[journalofsorts2]

i tried c.ai again and didn't enjoy it again because 1) i don't get too much enjoyment from self inserts, i like to see the characters interact with each other y'know? and 2) i start yelling at them when they get their own lore wrong over and over again

[journalofsorts2]

my hopes for aa7 (that probably won't get fulfilled) are:

- no new prosecutor or defense attorneys or detective, there's already so many good characters and you won't have to have one of the prosecutors lose all the cases if you switch them out

- no new gimmicks, i like the magatama, i like the perceive bracelet shit, and i like widget and the emotion reading, but a fourth gimmick would be too much

- 2d sprites please for the love of god ditch the 3d, the series was so much more charming when all the characters didn't look like overly modded sims